Essentially Expendable

It's kind of hard to be non essential. Like to think I'm essential the somebody somewhere or something here. And I know that they will be those who respond all yes but you are essential you will always be Essentialn but nothing like A pandemic to let you know how essential or non essential you are.My friend Lori is essential. She actually has and is a essential job which is able to do online which is pretty cool. I don't know she likes the idea that she's you sinsel enough to keep working and everyone else is not but working is still working which means you're not invisible.

Now I'm invisible and I've grown to accept the fact that I have become a shadow person. There are many shadow people out there Probably more than has ever been before, consider the baby boomers.So maybe I'm not totally invisible as I clean on to my few volunteer positions on various boards and committees in this state. Maybe something in my unconscious tells me when I let go of all those quazi responsibilities I Evaporate into a puff of nothingness - - I heard a great Podcast yesterday on Fresh Air about this one individual who breed believes that at the time of death especially in a senior their their last breath when exhaled takes the spirit out of the body and puts it back into the cosmos or the collective conscious or whatever. The thought kind of freaked me out at first but the more I thought about it the more that it's probably right.

I've been listening to NPR all day which is sort of typical interestedly I've been listening for “essential people are persons”. Of course the pandemic is worsening as it works its way through the USA. Americans are getting spooked. They're still love all touristic feelings out there you know “we're going to make it” “America strong”. I'm amazed at the 5 o'clock block national news has all these uplifting stories of individuals/communities/neighborhoods banding together respecting social distancing of having supportive and cutesy things. That's just about run it's path I think. I'd noted with interest yesterday mourned more nursing type organizations and professionals are beginning to talk about strikes and sickout's and walkouts. I can't really say that I blame them that sure is kind of scary. I think those professionals probably justified in what they want more protection from the virus. They do have the skill sets from the medical doctors on down to even people like Annette my provider. I don't necessarily think were talking gouging moneywise they just want more protection and security and who can blame them. These are essential people of course, but I'm hearing more stories and see more articles on the news about the other essentials the fieldworkers, the employees at grocery stores and other stores. The folks that typically have done the grunt work of the American pie.

So the medicals are definitely essential as are law enforcement and then you have this giant class of essentials that we really need to keep what's left this country churning. Public works folks (which I guess includes law enforcement) power people, water people all those kinds and then those that do the feeding fast food people, grocery store people, and perhaps as important as anyone the field people. The field people those back breaking jobs that only low-income and non-documented folks work that really keep us fed. Some is going to happen, something's got a happen all these people have inherent value and are ESSENTIAL! I hope we are not stupid as a class to turn our backs on these folks and their families. But I'm not going to hold my breath so far this pandemic has totally blown me away with questions I can't even begin to answer….

Senior!? Who Me??

I have babbled before about being such a senior stereotype. I was thinking about this this morning even about how I visualize myself internally. I'm almost 70 years old I don't feel like I'm 70 years old and I like to think I don't look like I am either but that's debate I'm not willing to get into here or anywhere actually. I look at others, who are about my age, and say yes they are elderly therefore I am elderly. So, be that as it may I have to accept the definition and the stereotype.

Remember Saturday? I was waiting for my own health person who is coming around 2:30 PM and 2:30 PM came and went with no Annette. I was a little concerned just because Annette is so dependable but as I said I saved the $40 that was good enough for me. This morning she came and we chatted as I got ready for the program and finally got around to asking “so, what happened on Saturday”. She then went to tell me about having gotten stuck with a client that one of the other caregivers couldn't do because the caregiver's illness (not Covid 19). Then she said I messaged you. I did not see anything coming over my phone text lies and I told her and she said well I messaged you and I looked closer and found there was a Message folder or holder or something and sure enough there was a message about 1 o'clock on Saturday indicating that she would not be able to make her scheduled cleaning appointment. What could I do or say except when is there a separate folder for messages? In this folder there is also other messages from her including pictures of her chickens/chicks. I suppose everybody on earth knows about this messaging thing that is not texting. I guess they actually call a phone number and leave the information in this message file. Clearly, this reinforces my senior credentials. I like to think I know my cell phone and how to use it most effectively (deep down in my heart of hearts I know I use probably 1% of what the cell phone is capable of). I make calls, I do videos and imaging i.e. photographs and I send and receive these plus I use my phone as a writing device where I can do everything from writing letters to poems, short stories and even blogs. I can pay bills, which I do on a regular basis, and I love to use the video chat to have “face-to-face” encounters with good friends and family. I like to think I'm sophisticated but sadly I am always having to find someone to assist me with problems I'm having with some part of my techno-universe. I've learned to accept this station of life. That's okay. I find most young folk are more than willing to help me figure out an issue I'm having and I'm luckier than most to have a son who actually is employed as a tech specialist. I may have to wait sometimes significant amount of time they can usually stroll in fix my system with the click of his fingers and recently he has installed an apt which allows him to take over my computer from his station and work out the bugs without even being here. Of course that's risky just because that means he has access to all of my files in that can be spooky.

I reside in senior living apartment complex. I love the place locale, close to services and markets in my transportation. So perhaps the biggest identifier of my age is where I live and sometimes that's just the way it is…

4:00 PM And IS Well

4 o'clock! How can it be for o'clock p.m.? Seems like I just got up granted I did sleep in till seven something but still I was hours ago and now the days almost gone. I could blame daylight savings time that seems to be the finest in the best excuse to use. I haven't really done anything except watch a few dishes early this morning, early being after I got up. Looks like a nice day outside even though the sun is not out the temperature is actually the 50s. I went out a few minutes ago just a test the day that felt good on my short sleeves – – that's right I worn short sleeves today. Truth is I pulled out what I thought was a longsleeved black shirt and was one of the shorties. I was too lazy to rehang the garment so here I am short sleeves of all sitting in front of my computer with my trusty dusty space heater blasting away.

I'm not going to make a federal case out of this. In fact I'm kind of glad that it happened since it's the end of the month and I want to spend as little money as possible before the next influx of federal money appears, like magic into my bank account. On Friday morning when Annette was finished with my morning program and heading out we agreed that she would return on Saturday at 2:30 PM for the weekly two-hour housecleaning. Typically, Annette comes at 1:30 PM so I noted the difference in time and since I'm pretty much chained to the apartment made little difference what time but as the day wandered on 2:30 PM came and went and there was no Annette. I guess I could've called or texted but I figured something must've come up. As I alluded to that's okay because that's $40 I saved. Sadly however I weakened and climbed the bus and headed south to Walmart for some materials that by regular market, across the street, were out of, spending $30 in the process. It was nice to be at a market that didn't seem to be so traumatized by the Covid virus. There were fewer people at Walmart that I'm used to on a Saturday but I didn't see shelves depleted of materials. I did not get the panic feeling to hoard but I felt down my Fresh Market.I was kind of surprised because the Walmart meat counter had packages of fresh hamburger formulated into patties similar to what I was searching for at the Fresh Market across the street. The only difference was these patties look very handmade purses to the exact replication patties that Fresh market sells. The only problem is the handmade patties are like two of the F M patties. I wish I had been thinking more clearly and picked up a tomato are two. I have a number of hamburger buns that were rescued from the sharing shelf. I think I'll fry up the burgers to write hamburger sandwiches behalf throughout the next week. Looks like I took off on another tangent and I guess I should apologize but will not. I'm worried about Annette and will most likely be okay when she wanders in tomorrow morning for my Monday morning program. She will tell me about her 91-year-old mother, her new chicks which are quickly becoming pullets or the status of her hospice patient that takes up so much of her time. Everything will be fine you'll see. Annette will have a great excuse…

Shadow Man

Every once in a while I find myself on a bizarre thought tangent. I'm not really sure what the trigger is that since we often these tangents, I guess, it doesn't matter the important thing is that I think about what I need to think about. I know that sounds strange and a little convoluted it's true. Today I got launched on such an thought tangent when I noted I was driving my power chair from the living room of my apartment to the kitchen. And for brief second I noted to myself how lucky I was to have such a dependable piece of technology which I use to get around. I just returned from shopping over at the Walmart just down the street. Every day I'm in this chair. It is my responsibility to make sure the chairs charged fully with electricity every morning (or every night before I go to sleep) if I see the need I must plug my chair in to make sure I have the power I will need for the next days activities.

I live completely alone. In the morning after I wake I get myself from my bed to a power chair. I find getting myself up relatively easy. The task would be much more daunting had I not this power chair. I use this chair before my stenosis operations a couple years ago. I used my manual chair in the morning and the evening to get around the house and the power chair during the day to get myself back and forth from work or whatever since I just concluded by work careerafter said operations. Since the operations I rarely if ever use my manual chair. I should use the chair more often but living by myself does not make using the manual “push” manual wheelchair practical. All alone, I am so blessed, to be able to get myself out of bed, before my basic ADLs, perhaps most importantly gave myself dressed to the point that I can show myself to the world. The chair has to work, every day all day without exception. I have another power chair very similar to this chair which I keep as a “backup”. I have the same faith in that chair as I do this chair and having just said that freely admit that the backup chair is just what it sounds like a chair there for emergency situations to use when something goes wrong in my regular world. I am amazed myself every once in a while when I realize I've left my apartment gone all the way downtown Salt Lake done what I need to do and get back without any problems whatsoever. More often than not this is my travel experience. I am up and out the door and don't think twice about the miracle which I'm seated in an moving from point a to point B without restriction.

Right now I have 3624 miles recorded on my odometer of this power chair. I've had this chair for nearly 5 years. I desperately need another chair a new chair. I am 69 years old! I think the next chair I get will most likely be the last chair that I use for that great and dreadful day that I separate from this body and report to wherever I go to next if anywhere. I would like to get a good-looking chair with adequate speed and features that will allow me to live the next segment of my wife with even less stress than this chair. However, I don't know if that's good to happen now. With everything that is happening in this turn down world thanks to Covid -19 . I don't know if I'm going to have any issues in procuring my next chair. If are authorized to get my new chair Monday I don't even know if they would take my application request. I don't know if they would have to process the request. Who knows they may be making respirators or something at that point. Until then I'm pleased with this chair I'm in right now. This chair is dependable, it always has been, I feel my spasticity is getting worse. I'm twisted in the chair it seems I am quickly becoming is Stephen Hawkins clone (before he died). The way that my body is being played upon by spasms which, I'm afraid, is really beginning to twist my body making it difficult, at best, to sit squarely in my chair. I have a fantasy that I lose weight, go back to lifting up weights getting stronger and getting back control of my body. I don't know if this will happen at being 69. I hope I get a new chair shortly.

There's my tangent for today. I survive day-to-day, out our buy a power chair without which I would just be a shadow man…

I Tend To Wander

 It's kind of weird I wake up in the morning and think a brand new day! What great and wonderful things can I do today and then I remember I'm self quarantined, kind of. This virus is weird . I kind of don't know how to explain the feelings I'm experiencing, like trying to get used to somebody who's died. You know how weird it is when you've lost somebody specially like your parents or a best friend someone that you communicated with on a regular basis. I do this particularly now with my mom even though she's been dead down three or four years maybe longer. I suddenly think “you should talk to mom about that” And then suddenly I remember she is dead , dead and done .

Now, generalize this just about everything I do in a day's time. Many times when the first things I do after I wake this check one of the weather apps to see what kind of day ago I have and then realize that doesn't matter. I'm not really going anywhere. If I go anywhere I'm going to the market a fast and out and that's it. Even though I know the movies are closed, I find myself thinking “maybe I'll just take the bus up to 5400 S. and do a movie and then remember the movie houses are closed, all gathering areas are closed. And it's not like it's heartbreaking, or that the realization sends me into a funk of depression it doesn't it just jolts me back into what is happening ALL OVER THE WORLD! In fact I'm really quite happy all things considered. I have a friend in the Netherlands who was a art instructor at a community College and she is getting a little stir crazy. She just finished her first week of total online teaching and she's taken to putting together chairs for her new dinette set. This physical act of completion is keeping her sanity.

I feel a little guilty for not feeling more despondent with the situation I find myself in. I'm really pleased with being able to text and even video chat with anybody else who has the ability. Most everybody I know now has a cell phone or computer and we can communicate fairly well. I have a little bit more guilt and that social distancing is allowing me to ditch certain social functions with the excuse of “social distancing” prevented me from attending at least a person. This does not necessarily excuse me from attending over the Internet but so far Internet functions I've really attended virtually has been various volunteer board and committee responsibilities. The worst part is not getting the free lunch but think I've droned on about that before somewhere else. Yesterday was Assistive Technology Council for the state of Utah (one of the better lunches offered) there of course with no lunch but there was no travel, no need to dress up and the quicker meeting since there was less socializing and tends to happen at the regular meetings. One of things I've been pondering a lot the last couple of days has always seen this is the new normal. Rather than pull people from all over the state in for an A T Council meeting just have people dialing into Zoom and be done with the mess of face-to-face meetings, travel and lost time for all the above. I think yesterday's meeting went off fine. We scheduled next meeting for the last week in September which feels like an eternity away. We joked about whether or not we would need to reserve the regular room at the Bufmire Center everyone thinking in the back of their minds that the pandemic will not be over. Now all I have to do is convince the chairperson of the program to reimburse us if we buy our own lunch for the meetings…

Preparedness

under the

I've never really been ashamed of upbringing in the Orthodox LDS faith. That particular faith is all I have ever known and it's pretty tough growing up under that theology. Case in point food storage. If you ask me, food storage is a major tenants of the LDS faith. Right wrong or indifferent food storage has just always been there for me. We always had areally large pantry. Bottles upon bottles peaches, green beans tomatoes (lots of tomatoes)and all kinds of canned goods. We of course the at least the frozen beef in the freezer review no locker downtown, but we didn't do that rarely is just too far to go in the whole concept about preparedness is that you have access to backup when the systems fall. The LDS faithful like duty driven little antsjust kept their heads down and trudged on indulging in the caseload sales and working at the cannery is a Gentile neighbours and friends subtly rolled their eyes and frolicked out hunting fishing and assorted sports events like the happy grasshopper being taken care of by the virtuous ants. Even now in the back of my mind I almost feel like “I told you so” to nobody in particular and everybody general. There is literally nothing on many of the shelves at the grocery store. Just like THEY said would happen ! The prophecies are coming true! Who would've believed the collapse of the world would happen this way? A virus?

Things really haven't changed a whole lot in Utah, after all we are the Fountainhead of the oldest church. People continue to take food storage and food conservation and stride. This morning when I went to check the sharing shelf there was a bag of sesame seed hamburger buns nice and soft looking all delicious. I have no use for 12 buns so I let them be for someone else in the apartment complex. It's Thursday which means it's coffee social. My neighbor across the hall was with me when entered the room and she saw the hamburger buns. She had the idea that she didn't want that many buns either that she would freeze a portion for herself. We split the bag. I only wanted three or four buns but it ended up with about six so maybe I will follow her lead and use two or three future and freeze the rest.. I even considered (I still am actually) frying up a bunch of hamburger patties making hamburgers to freeze so that would just have to plot the sandwich after a long day of volunteering, reading or whatever microwave a hamburger sandwich dinner. I was so enthralled with this idea that I went across the street to the Fresh Market to buy one of those packs of superflat hamburger patties. Their fresh patties four to a package and they really make a good hamburger sandwich. Of course however I forgot we are in the end of times there were no hamburger patties made up. Supposedly, a new shipment was coming in that very hour or so but I couldn't stay. I had to get back to the apartments for Marketplace. I do have a little more compound hamburger frozen in one giant while in the freezer which I can thought out and make into deformed patties that only I could make (have never been able to make it delectable and). I could make a fairly good-sized portion sloppy Joe's increase the sloppy Joe mix the file with the frozen hamburger buns or even put the sloppy Joe on the buns then freeze them. That would not be too bad actually. Either way it would be a great meal or two and a great edge against the coming doom…

MEDEX

I listened to a piece today working out broadcast on American Innovations podcast platform

currently mining for some pretty great pieces of information especially from the historical standpoint. Podcast I was today was on the innovation of the ambulance. And yes, the podcast did kind of cover the ambulance but also covered the whole or what it deemed the whole history of the paramedical program. And I think, the information was okay to a certain point. The kind of left out the entire Medex program which I thought was pretty interesting.

I think I've covered this to a degree in the past in earlier postings (I would have to go back and check) but in the early 70s I was involved with the neighborhood health programs which was an offshoot of Lyndon Johnson's great Society program. I was part of her crew that delivered medical and some psychological support to folks were low income and minorities in Southwest Idaho. We had our very own Medex person was José Rodriguez became a very close friend of mine from that period of my life. The Doc of our program, Clarence a McIntyre M.D. Was the brother of the economist from University of Colorado who helped develop that program. I was just fortunate to be a small part. Rodriguez was a Vietnam vet and a field medic. Rodriguez was one of the first classes to cycle out of Fort Sam Houston Medex program in the early 70s. The MEDEX folk eventually became the nurse practitioners. Not that it mattered because these folks were supposed to assist in delivering desperately needed medical services to low income and rural area people (which they did to a certain degree) but were soon gobbled up by the medical profession in private practice allowing these older Mds to greatly increase their practice and see more paying folk. They broke my doctor's heart.

Interesting enough I did not really realize that ambulances did not come in the service till about the same time I had my accident in 1966. Up until then many ambulance services were nothing more than hearses that weren't being used at the moment of need. Things change rapidly after that particular with the advent of Vietnam and again just the bucket load of medical folk, field medics with hundreds of not thousands of hours of hands-on experience. I guess they had to go somewhere. I wish I had the wherewithal and the energy to document this other side of the discussion of how the med X program came about. We're going to try for a link on tonight's page that will cover at least that part of the history of the nurse practitioner program in the United States…

Invincible Me?

It's one of those dynamically beautiful spring mornings which makes me feel that winter is finally behind us. It's not necessarily warm, but the forecast calls for partially cloudy skies temperatures up and roll high 50s but it's a beautiful morning giving me the illusion power and completion.

A piece of my chair or part no longer works. That's the latch mechanism on the arm of my chair. It will no longer engage and I can no longer lift the right arm of my chair free. Luckily I really do not need to have that chair arm mobile except when I need to get under the sink in the bathroom to shave are brush my teeth. And I've learned to be able to get to the sink at an angle so I don't have to lift that arm up but still I like having a chair that all the parts works as much as I can. I suppose in the worst-case scenario I could have somebody remove the part from your departure I own residing in my bedroom as the back and share. I hate this one cannibalization and theoretically, I could use that part get my arm functional on my regular chair the values and then when the stress of the Covid -19 virus passes get the assembly and restore the back-up chair.

Last night on the news it was reported that the LDS church called back almost 2000 of its missionaries many of which came directly to Salt Lake international mind you demonstrations from federal down the local of all indicated no large gatherings of people and hear thousands of people lately disrespecting the Council. This made me think about my self assuredly as well as my illusion of personal elitism/privilege. Thinking that I'm above the law just because I use a wheelchair or/and I am impervious to getting this infection both cases which are wrong. I texted my friend today Dennis Ward who is in the middle of a heavy-duty cancer fight. Dennis is a fighter, I've blogged about you, but I can tell from this text exchange morning that my boy was on the ropes. It got me thinking what if my own stupidity and arrogance that I somehow became infected with Covid – 19 languished and died! Seriously, I can get by with this chair right now. I think I am above the law/commonsense as far as being out in public? My actions are just playing hubris. Last night I texted with my friend in the Netherlands where they are on forced walk down the next two weeks if not months she's already going stir crazy. I can get all my needs met in the apartments. If I want to go out and go out and sit in the parking lot where my van used to be. If I need social interaction I can use video chat or whatever and get satisfied.

I don't have to be like Bart Simpson waving my arms back and forth taunting the authority of administration. Hopefully I've learned my lesson: I am not invincible…

A Thousand Points Of Fire

it's hard to see but the red marks that look like cat scratches are the Burns left by the hot glass hitting my skin

I am so proud of myself. For the last couple of months I've been able to sneak in 30 minutes to an hour of reading every night before I turn the light off and tumble into sleep. Sadly however, I usually don't get to this behavior till about 1030 or 11 PM and usually this is not a problem. I just secure everything in the apartment, make sure I all supplies I mean at my bedside and sidle up next to my bed enroll in, get situated on the covers turn on the overhead light (if not on already) and then delve into my current reading challenge usually a novel.

Last night was really no different. I have been trying to get naked and into bed by 10 o'clock so I can read a good hour or so. By the time I got done with my evening texting it was almost 11 PM. Still, I knew I could read till late if I chose. The only I had the morning was home health person, Annette, coming in from our program. I turned over, under the covers raise the bottom portion of the bed then raise the top portion to a semi-seated position and cracked my book. Currently reading another medical mystery. I'm a sucker for the Robin Cook type of writer. Anyway, I was just into my first chapter for the evening when all of a sudden the lamp above my head explode! I was in shock, I couldn't believe it, I felt the shards of glass rain down upon me. The glass itself terrified me but I was not ready for what immediately followed it seemed the upper part of my body was covered with 1000 points of burning light. I bought these light bulbs across the street from the True Value store. I'm not sure how much I trust their merchandise. Lightbulbs are cheap however and that's why several on. I thought the burned hot, I thought they would just burn out quickly, never a zillion years that I believe the lightbulb would explode over my head and shower me with fire.

The pain was short-lived thank goodness, I almost panicked, now I just had to figure out how I was going to get the glass out of my bed. The clock now read 11:45 PM. I thought about calling my neighbor Billie from across the hall. But the hour so late I didn't feel comfortable resting the lady up. I then thought about calling the fire department and just laying in my bed until they got there and they could sweep the glass away from my pillow and bedding. I found it just took a deep breath and figured I could do this myself. I started trying to brush the glass fragments away from my body, they were under my shoulder neck and everything, I quickly realized I needed to be careful as I lacerated one of my fingers. Even in the darkness illuminated only by outside light in my cell phone clock I can see the dark spots of the blood on my sheets, my DEAD POOL Marvel comics sheets. I eventually was able to move enough class out-of-the-way to transfer into my chair and then using my sticks went over my sheets as much as I could throw in the class on the carpet under the bed.

About 45 minutes later I felt comfortable enough to roll back into bed. I set the clock for 6 AM brushed a few shards that escaped the general glass cleaning. I surprised myself when I woke up this morning a kind of thought I was going to be awake all night afraid of turning a lacerated myself with errant shards. I didn't and I got pretty good night sleep… I was surprised!

Aftershock Afterthoughts

I wonder if you get PTSD from just one little 5.7 earthquake? I don't know but just a few minutes ago, I was just finishing watching Ironman 1 when all of a sudden I got definite movement here at the apartments. Kind of weird – started out small then grew a little bit then was gone. This aftershock was nothing like the 5.7 but enough to make me wonder if the ceiling was going to come down. I had to take a deep breath and intellectualize the fact that this was just an aftershock, one of hundreds of aftershocks since the 5.7. They'll be more aftershocks but still a kind of freaked out just in my head if nowhere else. So now I wonder if every time a big truck passes and rattles the apartment and go to get these weird feelings. PTSD? All I know is I'm not the same.

Maybe it was not the aftershock at all which upset me. I was texting Dianne newsflash crawled across the screen indicating a 60+ man had just passed away at Lakeview Hospital up in Davis County! This was the same hospital Dianne just had a procedure done on her shoulder last week. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I hope she's okay. I have not heard anything about folks who are at the hospital having to quarantine or anything but still.

I often text a friend in the Netherlands. She is an art teacher at one of the community colleges . Her whole city is on lockdown and she's beginning to go stir crazy. Tomorrow they should start online teaching and maybe that will help when she gets focused on something to do and teach her classes online. I can sense in her texting that she's getting frightened of what's happening in Europe. Pretty spooky.

Right now my immediate worry is that I have a a molar the temporary Which feels like it's about ready to go nuclear. I don't know what dentists are doing these days especially my dentist. The reason this tooth has a temporary cap Is because there's hardly anything left of the tooth. In my dentist put on the crown just to get me by till the whole thing implodes. I was really hoping it would be a long ways out but the last couple days I think it's time is coming. I don't know if I'll have him extract what's left or whatever but that I'll need to counsel with him on. If he still seeing people.

I believe I still harbor those feelings of invincibility that I had as a kid even now. I continue to pump my bike for more than 180 minutes every week. Like to think that I'm strong and that whatever is happening around this country doesn't have anything to do with me but I better be careful that kind of thinking as a way of common right around and bite me in the butt the least that you think it will happen. As I think back over the last week have had minimal contact with anyone. The Thursday coffee group was the most and we all pretty much respected 6 feet boundary. The social was lightly attended anyway didn't seem to last very long. I guess what I'm saying is that except for video chatting (which I really like a lot actually) I don't see much of anyone. Perhaps that's best for the next couple weeks.

Socially Distant

I'm beginning to find out that creativity might be the best weapon for surviving this new concept of social distancing. I'm not necessarily trying to get around the concept of social distancing just how to survive in a world where people no longer congregate, share and touch. I'm fortunate in that I've not been too negatively affected by the quarantine thing and I really haven't been sentenced to “quarantine” and I might feel different if and when that comes about. However, as a person with a disability, and I don't know if it's just the disability could be that I'm just socially inept but I've often gone whole weekends without talking to someone, or seeing someone an even longer being touched (physically). It's something I really didn't think a whole lot about until the last couple months.

I'm pretty independent and that's a blessing. However, I started this new regimen will try to apply lotion to my body every day in an attempt to keep my skin as simple as possible in an attempt to ward off pressure sores and such challenges. I used to as soon as I got out of the shower or once I would get up and dressed myself without putting cream on my legs elbows worlds I think I might need it actually particularly my butt. Graphic perhaps but true. The point I'm getting to is that couple months ago a home health person started assisted me in putting lotion on my legs every morning that I shower. In this case, three days a week and this extra attention to my skin is made of noticeable difference on my legs as well as my feet. Perhaps even more important that I've noticed in the past few weeks is how much I've appreciated the actual human touch, and literal human touch physically on my skin. In many ways I think the physical contact is as important as the chemical properties of the lotion be applied to my skin. Crave is a strong word I don't think I crave physical touch but I certainly have appreciated the contact over the last couple of months.

I went to the market today as I do most Saturdays and I don't know if it was my imagination but I think I really did see people “social distancing”. Every once in a while when someone was way far away from the other person like trying to reach a purse or some other item in the grocery cart are on the other side getting the groceries the joked about “oh, we got a make sure were social distancing” and then there is that weird kind of strained laugh. I've never really taken advantage of some of the new features allow the local markets are instituting like home delivery. For one I like shopping, I like physically going out and searching for the best grapes, potatoes or meat that I want to purchase. I've been somewhat disappointed when someone else has shopped for me. I appreciate their efforts but somehow I like picking my own items. This might be a thing of the past with this social distancing becomes more pronounced. I mentioned earlier this week about the meeting I attended over the Internet which was a great way to meet, I certainly didn't have to worry about getting too dressed up or riding the bus in cooler weather back and forth to the Buffmire building and not just because I didn't get my typical “free lunch” but I think I really did miss the physical meeting of the other members of the board. I see these people four times a year and I enjoy being in their presence just as I do with my other friends.

Kind of weird “the writers Guild” that group I belong to which meets three or four times a year to have lunch and talk about our writing efforts, what's going on with us and anything else you want to may be a casually of social distancing. I hope not because the social interactions great what's even better is the group hug which typically ends are lunches which would definitely fail the social distance test…

Random Hugs of Kindness

Maybe the best way to process this whole Covid–13 thing is to not process certain like the wisdom that the computer displays at the end of the War Games movie “the only way to win is to not play”. I don't know about anybody else but I think this might be the best way for me. I've noticed on television a lot of the networks are pushing this whole agenda of helping neighbors, strangers and doing general good deeds's sort of like the “random good deeds” campaign which is running a couple years ago. Was pretty good idea I thought, but never really caught on. However, the concept is coming back now with a vengeance. One PSA suggested one random act of kindness a day. I've been doing acts of kindness I guess but they're not so random. I gave my neighbor some bananas. I gave my neighbor some cornbread that I made this afternoon. I hope she still has her chili left over. She gave me a large sized amount of chile a couple of days ago and I got around to taste it this morning. The chili was pretty good for little bit different than the way I would make it but I jazzed up with crushed red pepper, garlic powder, dried onions and a good little of jalapeno peppers and juice, oh and I almost forgot the can of Nalley's chili. It wasn't because the chili was lacking I just wanted to make sure I had enough chili last for a couple of days. I'm really testing a new concept in cooking right now and that is using a commercial standard like for instance Campbell's condensed vegetable beef soup and then adding anything I have floated around the refrigerator. Last week I did this with the last of a roast that I cooked a couple weeks ago + added beings, corn and other items I cannot remember right now.

I almost went to the market today and I would have had the weather been better. Colder temperatures and threats of rain kept me in the apartment. I worked out and totally entertain myself cutting bookmarks. I found that the boxes that my never ending catheters come in render great stock for bookmarks. This is a great process with my relatively new acquired long arm paper cutter. I really liked for 10 but I'm doing something culturally acceptable by manufacturing my bookmarks. I even listen to a “How To Draw” podcast or YouTube broadcast. I came across this guy who's a real artist type of guy and he's offering these basic free podcasts on how to draw and make art. He even has professionals from all around that it brings in for the broadcast is pretty cool I have to admit. I don't know if it'll teach me anything but certainly makes me motivated enough to get back into doing my own drawing and making bookmarks. The guy is out of New York City's and he's doing this mainly because he can't go out because of the spacing thing and Covid 13. What a great thing to do!

This kind of outgoing, altruistic behavior, seems to popping up all over which I think is a good thing. I don't know how long the last especially if these get really rough. I hope they don't not get really rough. I hope we seen the worst of this epidemic, as one of my friends suggests, I don't know how long this culture can go without random hugs of kindness…

Darkness

If I thought about it very much I could really get freaked out about the big earthquake that supposed to hit Utah at some point in time. The earthquake that I went through yesterday is a stark example of not knowing when and where something like this can happen. Also this was a relatively minor event. Again as a person with a disability, one who relies on a power chair, would be dead in the water if walls came tumbling down, floors get buckled and more importantly power goes off and could not charge my chair, operate my bed and lose all my frozen food and stuff in the refrigerator. So, I'm trying not to think about the consequences of a major environmental event.

But not thinking about this is like a person with a toothache. It's not wise to tease the tooth with your tongue because that causes pain but you continue to do that than with hopes the pain might go away and it's just a mistake. That's what I do anyway so my mind keeps playing with the idea that if a major event were to happen an hour to survive the initial assault I would somehow be able to make it. However, I would not, I could not. If I couldn't get somewhere in my power chair I doubt I would get to where I needed to go. Your normal person would not be able to carry me. Even if I had my manual chair available (right now both tires are flat) quite frankly I would have a challenge pushing the chair on a regular flat surface that alone a broken surface. Someone have to push me or drag me or lift me along the way to get me to the next station.

Boy, this is dark, I really want to be hopeful I really want things to go back to normal but things are changing so quickly and so completely that I think all of us can no longer build enough defenses against having to accept what the new normal is going to be. Mind you, for the most part of this blog posting I'm talking about just the physical reality of me, Mark Smith quadriplegic, add on top of that the new normal of the virus and the many waves of change that pebble in the pond has established and things really look weird. I could take the naturalistic view of saying the earth is just trying to adjust to the population that has the misfortune to host at this point in time. So because I can't stand being this pessimistic I'm going to have to say things may be bad, things may get worse but I'm a true believer that things will get better. Maybe not for me and other people with significant disabilities and people who are aged but they will get better. I believe the species as a whole will step forward and evolve into a stronger communal entity. Hopefully we will take these harsh examples and lessons of our need to change and take them to the next step. …

Shaker!

I really didn't have a tough time sleeping but I just woke early and couldn't get back to sleep. Today is one of those days even if I could get myself back to sleep but could not because my home health person, Annette comes today for program and a shower. I hardly ever read in the morning (and possibly I should) but when I turned on NPR all I got was the virus and I'm a little overwhelmed with virus reported right now. And please note I did not say “a wish that report on something else”. I really believe sometimes in watch out for what you wish for. Anyway, I'm always up by the time Annette arrives. Since I'm going to shower anyway I never get dressed. And as you know, I like rolling around my apartment naked. I was in the bathroom just after 7 AM like six minutes after and all the sudden the room began to shake! Actually, maybe “role” might be a better descriptor. Seems like I heard old noise to like a roaring sound. I thought maybe it was a big jet or maybe a garbage truck or maybe just maybe EARTHQUAKE! Have to admit for moment I was a bit scared looking at the walls move listing the things fall in other parts of the apartment. I knew I should've gone someplace like under a doorway but I never got mobilized. I just sat there and wondered if the building was going to “pancake”. All the news stations and reports said it was just about four seconds five seconds long but it seemed a lot log me. The shaking finally subsided, after what I thought was the eternity, feeling pretty good since the rest of the building did not come tumbling down on my head or anything.

I need to get outside, away from the building but I couldn't find my robe. I knew I had the robe close by because of just this kind of thing. Later on I remembered I put up one of those little hooks on the breaker box by the bathroom door to side so I would always know where my robe was. I could not find my robe save my life and then Annette walked in. She was goofy as ever somewhat excited for having survived the earthquake. I forgot about going out into the parking lot and being safe , we decided to go ahead with the mornings program and shower. Of course, nobody was talking about the virus anymore.

One of the State advisory boards I said on usually meets in Salt Lake at the Judy Ann Buffmire building but because of the Corona-virus we could not meet together as a group instead had the meeting online which worked fairly decent. Just as we were into the meeting all of the sudden the building start rocking and rolling again. I was sitting at the computer and I did not witness this is much as the other individuals who had me in their computer screens can see my computer camera rocking all over the scene. This aftershock was a 4.4 whereas the initial earthquake was a 5.7. The 4.4 was still pretty rough. I came out of the whole event unscathed. Couple of the items on my table filled to the floor which Annette swept up and threw away. All day long, local media has done nothing but cover the earthquake. It's I feel like I dodged a bullet but it was a hell of a bullet to dodgeI am sure tomorrow we'll be back to the coronavirus…

The New Normal

I really don't want to have this blog turned into some sort of a microscopic review of how the pandemic is affecting my life but seriously, the pandemic IS a major part of my life! And right now the major points of my life seemed to be revolving around what's going on with the virus, the community and me. I know I seem to be putting myself at the center of all this but who better else to be there right?

So with that preamble I was just up and out of bed and actually feeling pretty good. I would like to slept in more but that wasn't in the cards. But I did notice something on the carpet not far from my bed. At first notice I paid little attention but then I looked closer and I realized the shape was the latch for the arm of my power wheelchair. Instinctively I dropped my hand to the side of the chair and sure enough there was no latch. This was on the far side of my chair, the side away from the bed, I don't know why or how about plastic latch snapped off but it has. Luckily, I really rarely undo that side of my wheelchair usually when I'm trying to fit under the sink in the bathroom so I get closer to a faucet. I think I can live without the latch but I don't want to. So with that in mind I thought to myself “well maybe this is something I can do today”. I knew it would be best to contact wheelchair shop just to find out if I need to make an appointment like I did last month.

This is about the same time that I went in to turn on the coffee and mix my morning beverage. I flipped the television on to listen to the “Today Show” as I padded around the apartment. Out of the corner of my ear I caught a message about bus routes shutting down. I hadn't thought about the bus routes being impacted by the virus but it makes sense that it would. After all, I was quite verbal about calling buses a “germ infested test tube”. So why wouldn't the transit authority close under-performing routes and really if the drivers are sick what else they going to do? So I had to take a second and ponder what I would do without adequate transportation. Once again luckily I've landed in a spot where I can actually power my chair to markets if I need to. So I figured first things first. I better find out which bus routes are still functional and pray that my 217 and 47 are still intact. And of calling Utah transit Authority information line finding out that only two bus routes which of the taken out of service are the ski bus routes. These are buses that carry people up to the resorts and since the resorts are shut down no need for bus service. All the other routes are still running on regular schedules. With that information taking care of I contacted my service provider, my wheelchair shop. I was totally disappointed to find out that I would not be able to just show up and have a technician from my chair with me in it, as is my usual practice. They would force me to give up my chair and they would pick my chair up and bring it back the next day once the repairs are completed. This kind of repair regimen is doable and I guess acceptable worst-case scenario. I certainly don't want to have to give up my chair. However, if I need to I need to. I have a couple of other options however. I can cannibalize my other chair or I can wait and see if Create will be back in service, but since CREATE is State type agency I doubt they are going to be functional too soon. Hopefully, things will return to some form of normality unless what we are experiencing now is going to be the new normal. As I indicated earlier I can use my chair with the right side frozen until the shop opens up the role-ins or the worst worst-case I give up my chair for a night but have the repair executed.…

Saratoga Sadness

.

On a quick note I just heard from Dianne and the operation is over and seems to be a success using her room and doing well. I thought should really be a lot more faded than she is in fact will be getting her active in a few minutes to begin her physical therapy regimen. Thinks is going to do pretty good.

I'm getting a little weirded out due to some technical difficulties I am beginning to experience with my arm bike, my Saratoga Silver. I use this equipment nearly everyday. Sunday is the only day that I don't pump on my arm bike. The mechanical parts of the bike, the crank that I actually spend our turn are somehow hooked into a electronic keyboard, some kind of computer chip of some sort that is adjustable and modulates the resistance on the crank that I push or pull throughout my workout. They're like for settings that I use during my workout each setting has its own resistance pattern. Some more resistive than others. Each one one of the programs has five or six settings each one which runs for a minute and can get very challenging to me. I do each workout session 3 of which I run at 40 minutes the other three or 30 minute challenges so altogether a pump a little bit more than 200 minutes a week. My trainer indicated I probably only need 180 minutes for a good valid workout.

When this phenomenon first begin to show itself I would be working out for 15 to 20 minutes and all of a sudden electrical system would collapse and I would lose all resistance. I can still turn the crank but would experience no resistance and therefore was kind of useless. I did find however if I turned off the arm bike (there's a toggle switch just in front of me that I can switch on and off) then turn it on again the computer logs right back into where I was and usually I can pump couple more minutes before happens again then I've noticed a pattern that when I hit a certain number on the indicator board that's when the system shuts down and I have to reboot it or something. The last couple days I've been able to buy with turning the system on off numerous times throughout my workout. I can do this but what really worries me is that, is this behavior symptomatic of something more significant happening. I would hate to replace my arm bike. If I did would want to get another Rand-Scott product, I think. The problem I'm having is that Rand. – Scott doesn't seem to be too supportive technologically speaking. In fact a couple years ago when I was possibly considering replacing this machine I got weird information that they no longer made these machines which was partially right and partially wrong. I gather they are still building a similar type product but it's not called the Saratoga – Silver to have a product called the Saratoga-Cycle. I've tried to speak with the technician but they've got their phone system set up so he could only leave a message then they will get back to you. I don't think they got back to me the last time this happened. I get the impression they would just assume wash their hands of the whole Saratoga cycle thing but it's just such a nice product the public won't let them. I just wish there were more supportive…

CB&C

One of the best things about being an adult is that array of food things that kids don't like. I don't say this to be malicious just nice liking stuff at the younger set doesn't everything from beets to broccoli. It's true when I was a kid I hated buttermilk I cannot believe people ingested a liquid that coded a glass the way that it did. I felt the same with sauerkraut, kippers and corned beef and cabbage and don't forget bread and milk. There are a host of other items that I can't remember right now and some of those outages still cannot tolerate like liver and onions in some kind of German meat paste this got the word “Brat” in it. These of course were all delicacies my family or my parents loved. I kind of drew the line at the inner body parts of animals including brains.

For some reason most kids don't like corned beef and cabbage, and to be fair love adults feel the same way, maybe because it used to be such a poor man's food source. I mean when the comic strips I grew up with “Bringing Up Father” a.k.a. Maggie and Jigs about this blue-collar worker or maybe even poor somehow struck a big and were upper-middle-class and how he always stop at a bar where he could pick up a pail of corned beef and cabbage to his wife consternation and humiliation. Anyway, I love corned beef and cabbage. Again, the devoted reader can research a post I did a few years back about corned beef and cabbage and how I enjoy this dish.

I was kind of hoping I could share corned beef and cabbage with Dianne this year. St. Patrick's Day is in a couple of days which would've been a perfect time. But since she will be in rehabilitation recovering from her knee surgery that's not going to happen. Fortunately for me, my next-door neighbor or neighbor across the hall likes corned beef and cabbage too. Yesterday we decided we would cook the meal between us. Last night I ventured across the street and found a nice piece of corned beef and Billie cooked meal up this morning. She brought me over a plate just now. I apportion but I think I'll save the rest to hash up for breakfast world's first days. I enjoy doing this this home made hash I'm thinking I will use cabbage left over from the dish. I must admit I do like corned beef hash out of the can covered in catsup served with two eggs, fried over easy, and two pieces of wheat toast it doesn't get better than this.(I'm just a side note I remember a couple of times I've had breakfast and high-end restaurants and they offered corn beef hash and what I got was good and indeed it was hash made with corned beef but the corned beef was actual beef cut from the brisket and shredded up the as best as they could which I'm sure was high-end. They would never use corned beef from the can and beefs from South America.

Once again I veered off topic but that's me and you've got except that. I still come back to the topic of adult pleasures and adult tastes and for me nothing beats corned beef and cabbage in March.

It's Not Personal

You know that old saying “Everything's local”? I guess I always sort of knew what it meant didn't really ever pertain to me so I didn't put a lot of thought into the meaning of that phrase but now they seem to be dealing with this Coronavirus thing on a personal level. So I guess what was out there pandemic wise, world wise, national wise is no filter down to the neighborhood. And I'm kind of wondering if the whole Corona virus thing is just a major excuse So producers and providers can just slack off. Maybe I'm sounding jaded I don't know all I know isuses come home to roost and it's bugging the hell out of me.

One cannot help but see snatches of news bites on the Internet of long lines of people at the Cosco store or shelves and shelves at the local market, vacant as the look of a debutantes eyes. Local news carrying the same scenes accept the explain a little bit better what's happening on the local level. I really haven't been to the market much this last week so I didn't really pay much attention and besides the market that are usually patronize called the Fresh Market is undergoing a major ownership change in facelift. They're going down to a third of its size and so they're doing a major refit. Everything's torn up friezes are moved from one end to the other and there seems to be a lot of empty shelving. So it's been somewhat difficult to ascertain what is rehab and what is the virus. I actually baked baked biscuits and he upgraded this morning. I worked out and by the time for my cleaning person to get here I had an itch to get out of the house/apartment to get a few things for the weekend i.e. so I don't have to mess with the Sabbath. So I was off to the market. And granted, there is a lot of empty shelving when I got to the market . But the meat vendor, guys cells the exotic smoke/barbecued brisket in such was there but there weren't a lot of folks around him as usual and there were no samples. I decided I would get my list and head back home being pleased to gotten out and away from from the apartments in for a little bit. That's when I really noticed that seemingly the things I am interested in the market didn't have. There were no bananas! There's usually a giant pile of bananas. Rolled around the store twice looking for bananas thinking they may haveem somewhere else while renovating. I figured it'd be good to get another package of Lynn Wilson frozen burritos and they were gone. I had to look closely because I noted earlier in the week when I was there but the burritos were no longer in their regular station in fact the whole station was gone. Finally I asked where they were at the store person said they were out. I got the same answer when I asked about the bananas. I did find a loaf of the bread I usually use but there's only two loaves left and hardly any other loaves of bread and the bread section. When I asked the store people who said it was all because of the virus. It does not make sense to me. I'm sure Lynn Wilson had a pile of burritos made up before the virus hit and bananas just don't stop coming. I know there's a warehouse somewhere full of green green bananas. Am I in denial? Do I not want to admit the viruses come home to Salt Lake County? It's here baby! The effects of the coronavirus is in my neighborhood that my local market, my library shut down and who knows what else will be closed tomorrow.?. I'm certain I can live a couple days without my bananas (the girl who works in the garden section says a new shipment should be in by tomorrow. Hopefully Monday I can get some bananas I have one left on my table I should be able to make it. I'm pretty lucky I still have a pantry pretty much full of soups, vegetables and meats and some seafood cans. I wish I had a sack of flour but I do have a red can of Turkey red wheat had for over 30 years and I have a hand wheat mill. It will take a while but I could grind enough flour to make my bread. It's not personal it's just the virus…

Friday The13th

It just occurred to me that today is Friday the 13^th! Luckily I'm not a superstitious fellow, not really, but coming across small revelations that today is a day when people should take care due to its superstitious influence over our reality. I had only one goal today that was to deposit the check I got from the Utah Developmental Disabilities Council (U D D C) for the use of my image in their generation of publicity documents and resources.

Dear reader you will remember that one of the reasons I went to book club yesterday was to get my check. Ricky, the office manager, said that she would haven't been would give it to me at bookclub. I had to sign a release of course and she handed me a sealed envelope which look like a card which I assume would be a thank you card. I was late getting to bookclub by a few minutes so rather than open the card then I just stuffed it into my man bag with the thought of going to my credit union today and make the deposit. I really was going to put $20 into savings and $20 into checking and then keep $10 in cash to get through the weekend. (last couple months I spent way too much money on debt medical, clothing dental etc. I just feel a little anxious right now so rather than generating cash and spend it I was going to be thrifty and save).

I don't know where my afternoon went the afternoon just kind of evaporated. I was supposed to hang around the apartment for the manager and maintenance guy who is supposed to be the head honcho on my rehabilitation my unit. I kind of forgot that they were coming round and for some reason late in the afternoon as I was istening to my radio show Marketplace I realized that I did not have to wait for the end of the show I can actually listen to my radio show all waiting for the bus. I threw a jacket on my shoulders and took off the day was colder than anticipated but I was comfortable. My credit union is not relatively easy to get to. The simplest route is going south to about 6800 S. getting off the bus and crossing Redwood Road which is dicey at best. Today was just cold enough and I was feeling at risk of mouth but I decided I would take the bus all the way to the South Jordan train station where the bus turns into the returning route the 217 inbound. This would allow me to stay on the bus and then disembark the bus right in front of my credit union. I had about a seven minute wait before we headed back north and I decided to open my card and have my check ready. To my shock when I opened the card it was full cash! I did not need to be there I could've been home. With a chuckle I shared this information with the bus driver don't think he fully appreciated the humor. I had them drop me off at this Mexican joint not far from the graveyard where I got a fine Friday night dinner with my acting money…

50 Pieces Of Silver

Do you ever get that feeling that you are just an actor in a major movie production? That is the sensation I am feeling these last couple weeks as this flulike virus has gone from a pesky illness that many people have will full-blown pandemic! Universities are closing shutting down for the rest of the semester if not longer. The NBA the national basketball administration, or whatever, is actually counseled their games as has NCAA “March madness” as well as the LDS Gen. Conference!! In the last week I've watched “Breakout” and “12 Monkeys” both major motion pictures about pandemic illness. I have to admit I'm getting nervous.

This morning, Thursday morning, I even considered not going into the coffee klatch, that group of residents here at the facility that have coffee every Thursday morning and some discussion. I consider not going just because of the virus and its possible threat. We talked about the pandemic but somehow I could tell nobody really believed the virus will visit here at Plymouth view. As I've indicated earlier I've been thinking about the whole concept of traveling in a UTA bus and am I seriously putting myself at risk writing in the sealed tube with a number of folks many of which are low income many of which have poor options as far as medical care goes, which means to me, they might be major candidates for carrying the virus. With that in mind I called the Utah Developmental Disabilities Council (U DDC), the organization which hosts Next Chapter book club to see if management had considered or is considering shutting down the book club until this virus runs its course. It made sense to me not necessarily from the standpoint of the book club members spreading the virus as much as going to and from the event on public transportation as well as a public library possibly be in a harbinger of the virus. I can envision low-income families with parents who are working having to stow their children somewhere since the schools in many areas are closing down, what better place than the public library? Luckily, I have heard of no great schools closing yet. However, major universities in the town and state has shuttered their doors.

As I visited with Ricky, the office manager and really the unnamed boss of the organization, she indicated there would be no consolation of the book club. I should have just said “sorry I am not coming to book club until this thing passes”. I really should do so that but I didn't possibly because Ricky indicated that she was coming to book club today with check in hand for my presence at that the photo shoot a couple weeks ago. She would give me the check and have me sign for a release of information form. Money, filthy lucre, positive reinforcement and inducement for me to be at bookclub this afternoon. I could've just said “they'll drop by and morning signed the document pick up the check” but not me I'm way too stupid. I'm going to ride the bus and travel to the library to pickup my 50 pieces of silver.

Death and TAXES

You want to hear something scary? I haven't filed my income tax return for at least three years and most likely four. To be totally honest I don't really know how. I know how does a grown man did to be almost 70 years old and not know how to file his taxes? Well, truth is DD has filed our taxes for the past almost 30 years. So when we split up some four years ago on my own. The retired I figured I did not make enough money to even worry about taxes and the few other seniors I've talked to sort of indicated the same. I figured it was a perk of age. I didn't really think the process through and besides the process, quite frankly, terrifies me.

I just finished my Assist, Inc. meeting was on the train heading home when I got a text from DD was pretty excited because she just finish filling out her taxes. Dred flooded over me as I listened her about getting a significant refund. DD encouraged me to be swift on filling out I taxes is assuredly I had a sizable refund as well. I hemmed and awed And finally confessed that I probably would not file. Needless to say she was dumbfounded. Why would I leave a significant amount of MY money on the table. I told her just was not worth it to me. Filing my federal return was not worth the stress. DD then begin the hard sell and she can be a great salesperson and she wants to be. And I began to waver thinking maybe I might return/refund. The more I began thinking about my life the more I began thinking about how much I am paying out for medical, prescriptions, rehab, durable medical equipment, dental, and perhaps the biggest of all home health care! Somewhere, among all that money going out there has to be a way to suck some of that money back in. Dianne told me about this free software that exists out there liks Intuit Turbo tax and other bits of free software. There's even tax people over at the senior center if I were to go over. There's all kinds of resources I need to stop playing the fool.

This means of course I'm going to have to pull together all my bills are payments or whatever I'm going to need. It's I know from say having to pull together stuff for my rent qualification every year that I have a lot of this material stashed away and I'm going to have to bite the bullet and put together the record is best that I can. I can call my dentist, my Mds and home health folks who all have records of what I pay. Dianne, bless her heart has actually worked very diligently with software for like bookkeeping to help with this and I should be able to figure this out . I used these spreadsheet software programs when I was working and had to put together monthly and year-end reports/have a basic feel. I've just never use this software for something really important like my personal taxes. I'm not feeling so bad now as I face this monster of possible filing a federal and state taxes. Who knows maybe a good enough to cover one or two months home healthcare… Thanks Dianne for all your encouragement!

Wrinkles

I barely recognize the person looking out at me in the mirror every morning as I shave. That person in there is so old. How can that image the mine? Even so, that face getting more and more ancient I don't really spend a whole lot of time examining it except perhaps from a novice artists point of view. There are certainly a lot of dark spaces shady spaces caved in places on that face that might be worthy of sketching. But it was the other day when I was at the bus stop taking if you sell these in the bright pre-spring sunshine. I took a number of images and did not pay much attention until later on my bus trip when I was selecting one of the images the post on my Facebook page. I flipped through the images that I had just taken a few minutes earlier and stopped dead in my tracks. It was an image of an old guy with serious old guy skin. This was me! This was my skin crinkled and folded and looking almost like paper getting ready to be blown away by the winds of time. Luckily I was on public transit and I had other things I needed to attend to immediately so I shut the image to the back burner.

Now, that I've had some time to accept the image (and I have not accepted it completely) have to figure out what to do with language however that will take some time to because once again is getting shipped to the back burner of my life. Yesterday, I messed up my computer screen I quite fully maxed out the image made as large as I could so I could read some font on directions on how to printed image I was going to run through my new ink cartridges on my printer. By the time I gotten the fonts large enough to read had forgotten what the project was for but I could not retrace my steps and minimize the screen on the computer. I've done everything I can think of. I even called tech support as well as my son Mark Anthony. So far I've not been able to get my computer back up and running way it should so I can write and print. I'm sure it's just an easy fix and I am just making more out of it than I need to. Fortunately, for me I have this great laptop I'm able to at least run my blog postings from the laptop. Mark Anthony was able to remote in to my screen but cannot find the problem. I think it's just me and the way that tried to explain the issues. Again like I said lucky me I have a backup computer just like that.

I'm sure I'm going to write more on this issue in the next couple of days. Dianne had just finished preparing her taxes. Dianne strongly suggests that I should probably file. I don't think I filed my taxes for the last three years at least. Since I haven't been earning money I hadn't thought that was an issue but Dianne suggests that perhaps I'll be getting some money back and I need to file. This really kind of freaks me out but maybe I can couple hundred bucks here are their would help with home health if nothing else. It's just part of this process of growing up. It's time that I do I certainly have a face for it…

Printer Blues

You know what I hate but I really really hate how I can, without thinking, make a few strokes on my computer and totally messed my system up to the point for a cannot use it any longer until I can get some kind of intervention somebody who knows what they're doing. Today for example, I was working on my system actually yesterday Mark Anthony came over and put the new cartridges in my printer. This morning I was being very productive and wrote a letter to my nephew. I printed the document and it was just fine. Letter came out perfect. I don't remember what I was trying to do, I think as trying to find where I had to file for my nephew's address. Of course the computer screen I use is quite a ways from my workstation and I cannot really see that well some of the small print. I have learned however that I can greatly increase the image by hitting alt + and the system increases the size and I'm able to read and make my selection. Will I did that today and I don't know what I did besides but I somehow increase the image so much that now I cannot reduce the size of the screen. That means not only can I not read the files that I want to print I cannot get the corner of the screen to turn my computer screen on enough for my computer on and off.

Of course Mark Anthony is my go to guy for technical support anything to do with computer type technology. However, I must respect the idea that he also is working and I have to squeeze myself and in some timeslots when they become available. Sometimes however, Mark can break free and address my need. I was hoping that Mark would be able to take control of my system remotely and see what the problem was. I know it's relatively simple I just cannot find the solution I think anybody who knows anything about computers will be able to figure it out. Now having said that, I must confess I spent 30 minutes on the phone with tech support from P C Computers. One of the big come ons of this organization is that if you buy your computer from these guys they standby ready to help at any time. Well today that did not necessarily happen. After waiting for about a half an hour on”Hold” then I get a hold of a tech who really doesn't seem too excited about helping me. Well I played the disability card and use a little more responsive but he couldn't fix the problem. He basically did everything that I had done which did not leave me very hopeful. I know it's got a be an easy solution it's just eluding me. Mark Anthony said he did back with me and I said that's cool I'll be here.

The day worked its way to the end and after I watch the evening news I decide to give Mark Anthony a call for sometimes I know he works this late. I thought maybe I could snag him and if nothing else he could remote into my system and work the bugs out there. Interestingly, Mark Anthony did install some software that allows this to be done. I think you forgot about me but he also had a fairly important meeting with his wife so I told him not to worry try to alleviate any pressure. The only thing I was really concerned about was updating the blog. I could've done up with my Samsung handheld are even my Samsung tablet but I just assume work off Dragon on my computer. And again I am fortunate in that I have the laptop that I nearly destroyed last year. The system works great screen it's a little bit problematic but it works good enough for blogging.

I kind of wanted to print the envelope for my letterbut it looks like if I'm going to use tomorrow's mail a better handwrite the address stamp and get it out the door. Kind of really like using this laptop even though it's a little slow works for me…okay

The Watcher

Wall art from Africa in my dentist's office

Sunday afternoon and the sun is trying to make a breakthrough the clouds. It's been raining this morning and the temperature is not the nearly form as in the past couple of days but I just put out this afternoon just to say that I went out and the day was kind of nice. Not as warm but not cold either, granted him wearing a stocking cap but that's basically just for looks. I rolled around the parking lot I do that a lot. I miss my van even though I don't or didn't drive it all as well as when it left it was undrivable actually because it was not legal. But still on days like today I could go out and sit by it feel tethered to something that seemed permanent borders I wrong. But that's not my point by point is I looked out across the way, through the wrought iron fence of our gated community and I can look directly to my dentist office. Not that I'm stalking my dentist but I'm beginning to worry a little bit about him. I mean I could be selfish and say that if he's sick and I'm sick because I don't have anyone to rely on for my teeth that's too simplistic. I like to keep tabs on him because it's so easy with him being across the street.

Anyway, I was out getting some fresh air and noticed I dentists pick up parked in front of his office. It's Sunday afternoon. I thought about giving him a call – – since I still have his cell phone number from the Christmas thing – – he had parked his truck there and taken another vehicle up to the mountains with the snow machines to frolic. Was going to invite them out to lunch or dinner since it looked like he'd been there all day my thought he was working. So that's probably it today. What is so however I'm a bit worried he seems overstressed. Last time I visited with them he was shorthanded particularly things like billing and collections. I could tell he was stressing and he needs not be stressing don't think his heart is all that strong or healthy. I could be wrong however is dropping weight that's a good sign.

My dentist must do okay . He's been to Africa on photo Safari I'm sure more than once. The décor of his office is quite a collected sculptures of the American West in the Remington tradition as well as masks native to Africa decorate the walls walls of his humble three chair office. I used to think what a humble setting then I found that he pretty much inherited the place from his dad. That means everything must be paid for. He's not running totally state-of-the-art equipment but everything needs to practice. So is really no rent, very little overhead, just salaries for staff who seems to been there forever. I think he has got it made. Just family stressors but they can be the worst. So I won't call him ask him if he wants to go to dinner or something. He's probably up in the mountains frolicking in the snow. He's in the middle of his three-day weekend. I'll just keep an eye on his truck I think he likes that. I am the watcher.