Slowly, Back to the World

March 29th Thursday

I am again University of Utah , for a follow up of the medical valuation I had last to Thursday, I've been down now for nearly a week. Really anxious to get back up into rhythm of my life. I think I'm okay but my doc well have to check out my butt, so I get back to work. Seriously, I'm just too healthy I don't think I'm going to be able to swing a medical disability at this point in time. I guess I should be happy about that but it also means having to deal with trying to find employment the last past July 1. perhaps I'm being late night but I think I can do it I can do some work for me interstate system so keep me in benefits up until next February.

I finished the follow up with more scripts and orders for more down time and she gave me samples for testosterone therapy which I have been avoiding but now I will try it/to see how well the testosterone will heal my butt. If the process is not too traumatic and if the gunk is helpful maybe I’ll continue the therapy. It is all still a lot of stuff to try to absorb.

March 31, 2012 --Saturday

It's Saturday morning, the wind has picked up brisk and warm before the next storm, which should be in tonight sometime. The cold of course will return with the cold front but as the weather guy says “ its spring", but I've been pretty good this week, had been down in bed waiting waiting for my body to heal. I could not do without my tablet, you just said to say how much my life revolves around electronic devices, social networking and direct entertainment from the Internet. In this morning, I started the dreaded Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT). This stuff really frightens me, the directions it come with the boiler jelly sounds really scary. I have to rub the jelly on my shoulder were nobody else will touch it let it dry, put on the T-shirt and make sure that no one touched the T-shirt until it's washed. It's really spooky how lethal is the stuff.? But this morning, I guess I was up for a challenge. I was really lucky and pleased when Dianne helped me. She donned plastic gloves and went to work smearing the stuff on my shoulders . I let the stuff dry the 3 min. called for the T-shirt that was it. Now, let's just see what happens. I'll be surprised that the change is as positive as my doc and other reports think. But I have to try it, at least, for the two weeks that the doctor wants me to to see if we can toughen the skin get me past this time skin breakdown.

So, back to work on Monday, and as they say, this is where the rubber hits the road now. I have to really start putting the press on finding another place to work in State. Supposedly, a number of folks working in the background to influence this choice, of finding a place to work. I of course want to find something I can get to easily on the bus route or on TR a XX(I almost changed that, but then I thought looked sort of cool), and the organization of the State I can deal with, I mean really I cannot see myself working for an organization that I loath. Having written that now, I have to say if the location in the building was sort of cool I would consider the place special till just after Christmas, or February. February is the first date that I can retire. I guess also I need to start dragging stuff out my office. This is going to be a job maybe I'll just throw a lot of the stuff away. I hope the next couple months pass with little pain.

Just aying Around

So, it's Tuesday of my week in bed. I have to be down until least Thursday, when I go back to the doc and see  about how well  my butt is. . There is just something not right about having to be in bed when you feel great. I wish I could to get a better outlook on this butt healing  project but it's been difficult for me to do ; I should be thankful that I am not in bed months and months on end like some of my quadriplegic friends with
decubitus sores. Still it's spring and I would like to be outside enjoying the warm weather.
I apologize for  the  lack of  posts to the blog. Between the drama at work, and the going to medical appointments , and then having to  be on bed rest I just haven't felt like writing, and in fact if not for the dictation device on my tablet I would not be posting now . I just hope I'll be able to cut and paste this post  into my blog.
Yesterday, was my c t scan. Dianne drove me  to the hospital and hung out with me while I was having the procedure done. I was scheduled to have the procedure  at 1015 in the morning which means I Had been fasting very long time.  I was hungry.
Morning traffic was uneventful, Monday morning people going back into work. university hospital also seemed to be waking up from a long  weekend. It was not a problem finding parking ,I was surprised , luckly for us, radiology seemed to be a pretty systematic operation of the hospital, the people were ready for me and I went right in for , procedure  as soon as I got there . They  grabbed a couple bodies and hucked me on the ct machine and pulled down my pants and got  the machine going,  you know the way it goes : the tech situates , your body then runs and hides behind the lead partition. Then the tech instructs you how and when to breathe by the use of the voice thing to take  deep breath hold it  then  exhale-- three minutes of  this and I was all done and it was the bodies again throwing me  back into my chair squared a way and sending me on my way.
Since Dianne had been fasting with me, we  decided to stop along the way an have breakfast.
We stopped at the Other Place restaurant.  We both enjoyed the place for some time, since we both used to work in the area of the city. the place is simply a Greek restaurant, serving breakfast all day long and have all kinds of  food to choose  both American and Greek go to choose from . All the food is good so it doesn't really matter what you choose. ' This place used to be a working man,s restaurant /university hang out /good food cheap place But Dianne  and I both noticed the prices seem to be creeping up word : to bad.
When we got home, I had messages on the phone waiting for me, one of which, was a report from chemical work, I had done on the blood pulled the other day. Surprisingly, the report was not  bad, most my levels are okay . I'm low ?on some but most should be taken care of with over the counter drugs. I just hope the CT turns out as well.

Zing A Little Here Zing A Little There…

Yesterday was my A.T Council, a group or board I have been involved with for almost 20 years now here in the Salt Lake area. A. T. Stands for assistive technology a big issue for folks with disabilities, and the folk rehab machine. The Council used to be a pretty big deal actually it was the a. T. Council and with the called M.I. or management implementation board. All the big players in the community attended folk rehab director, Spanish director, representatives from the major private nonprofit agencies and programs of service folks with disabilities were also part of that program. This or do lunch a really good lunch and I still do but the membership dwindled quite a bit over the years. Now we're just a shadow of our former selves to kind of a drag. Interesting to note though, may the players who now attend A T Council are Part of the agencies that have cut the funding my program allowing my position to disappear. I'm finding it challenging to have to see these people on a weekly if not monthly basis, as I make my rounds, to these various meetings. I see the score, I can tell they are uncomfortable, and something has to be said of knowledge situation I find myself in now. I'm intrigued that when I speak of the events of this last legislature which led to the final demise of my position how angry and self-righteous these individuals seem to be. Just curious and I'm hoping that I do not come off to pitcher in these meetings I would hate to be a pariah. Good friend of mine is a director of an assistive technology program across the valley and he attends these meetings as well as I. I texted him yesterday just so I could get a reality check on how I seemed to be coming across at this meeting. Kent indicated I seem to be okay in control of the situation, not striking out and not acting as if I am seeking vengeance. I do want to be vengeful. But I am finding I just may be harboring more anger than I anticipated and as I face a number of these players I cannot help but launch zingers here and there. It's kind of fun, probably not healthy but fun.

This Is only a Drill

Fire truck pulled into the apartment building next to my office today and sent the ladder up to the roof and then set up firemen up there who started walking round and acting all suspicious...I went out and a looked and started taking pictures and kept doing so tell the three guys in the roof started glaring at me. Then the guys packed up the engine and looked like they were leaving but actually pulled the fire engine in behind the apartment house . One of the people in our office went over and asked questions but was told “it is only a drill...” yeah, right, it was right after this the moved in closer to the building. What ever is happening its weird that norther emergency vehicles are around and the fire fighter guys have not told the residents anything or have started evacuating the building or anything---I am sure going to miss this neighborhood when I have to leave.

Hey I'm Still Here!!

The office is getting weirder and weirder there's no question about. I'm becoming invisible, more so than I usually am. I still have no concrete solution to my lack of occupation after first of June or make that July. Our ace in the hole, director of Utah human services took a much deserved week vacation after the legislature concluded. This Palmer is able to indeed pull a rabbit out of his hat, we will find out when he gets back. I suppose really there is no rush except there seem to be a lot of individuals interested in my demise.

Not that there any office barracuda fishing around but my office has been divided up and given the various staff members after leave. I'm pleased that my office the main part, will go to my buddy Frank certainly deserves a window on the West. Such really strange though is that so much that is happened that typically goes on behind closed doors, has been out in the open for all to hear and answer, I. E., The daily rundown of the battle with legislators, the status of my position relevant to those battles, and then the final demise of position altogether. Now, it's not unusual for the loss to be showing Council members and other individuals touring the office how the office is going to be remodeled and divided after I leave. It really doesn't bother me too much, as much as it bothers others in the office seem to be upset if not a light case of grieving at my disposition. For them I feel bad for me I just feel a little surreal again that whole concept of living through your death seeing those who survive will go on. I think staff I begin to wonder when I will begin boxing up my office and making motions I will be leaving. The way I see it I still have a couple months now and happen next month's. Holy cow A lot can happen in a day if the planets are aligned and luck smiles just a little.

Slippage

I'm slipping. I am slipping,I can feel I am slipping and I am having a difficult time trying to correct the slippage. I had a meeting this week I had a meeting today that I completely spaced off. I did not realize I had this meeting until I just happened to see the notification looking at my emails for something else. It was 11:00 am and I suppose I could have sprinted for buses and connections and would have been late but I would still have made the meeting, grabbed the hot lunch and then came back on the bus. I saw the time and thought of the stress of busing and decided to stay at my office. I did not even call the program director to be excused—which I always would have done but no. not today: I am slipping.

I am slipping because I am in vocational limbo. I don't know what is going to happen to me except I will no longer be here at this office or even with the State for that matter. I still sense things are happening in high places regarding my demise and I suppose that is good, if not a little intimidating. Its like why update my web site if it just going dark the end of June; should I even try to appear at information fairs since my program is vanishing: slippage. I should start thinking about boxing up my office but I just cannot box up the place until I get the final word that I have to leave.

My boss has worked long and hard trying to find a place for me to land and she has maybe almost found a place, now she is looking for funding so the program can hire at no impact to their budgets. The place is another room—that is what I do best, phone—the major issue I am having with this almost solution the agency is a private non profit not tied in to the State and what happens to my benefits with the State especially the insurance? I gotta have some form of coverage—the more the better. But I gotta have coverage. I have tried to get this information from the guys at HR, or
Retirement Systems I just cannot pin them down. I would like to think and feel I had till the last day of June but somehow I am sensing that as soon as some program or agency offers me a position I am going to be bum rushed out the front door from here. I would like stay on here as long as I can. That we'll have to see.

Tomorrow is Thursday and tomorrow is also a broadcast day—now, I have not slipped on that. I have about three to four interviews left unless I am rushed out. I like the interviews I would like to keep doing them even when I leave this office. The interviews I can do entirely on my own if I have to but the meetings. My memberships on various councils and board is another matter. I suppose I could serve on them after I am cut loose, but why—I'll have to think on that—this could all be part of the slippage.

Both Sides Now

Last week I was pleasantly surprised when I picked up my phone at my call center and I heard a familiar voice—I was not sure just exactly but I knew I knew them. In a second or two the caller identified himself as John C, my best friend from childhood. John and his older brother Tom were town to ski “the greatest snow on earth”. They had warned me they were going to come to Salt Lake to ski but I did not take their statement seriously. John has a child who now lives in the Sugar House area so the brothers have a place to crash when they come to town—but they called me and wanted to do something...with me, that very afternoon.

Since I work downtown I have any number of places to choose from for a meal suggestion but my mind went black I was so excited. I quickly did a couple of mental slaps in the face to focus and defaulted to Applebees at the downtown mall. I was to meet them at the front of the mall at 11:30 and we would take it from there. I of course had calls right up to the meeting time so I was late meeting them but I was glad to see the two brothers who had totally surprised me a decade earlier when they walked into my dads funereal service. They looked great, we did that awkward hand shake dance finally settling for the hug—a hand shake being too formal for what we had been through as children.

The brothers first came into my life (or I theirs) when I was six, We had just moved to a small farm in S.E. Boise and Jon and his brother were the only other kids in our area—My older brother, Ross and I came as a set, so we fit right in with John and Tom, even though Ross was a bit older then the rest of us he really did not have anyone else to hang with, with the ease and access of John or his brother. So by default John be came my best friend, he must be I use his name as the security name, you know when the computer asks, “Who was you best childhood friend?” Our families never did anything together we just were always together for that short span of life called childhood—we started drifting apart in the 7^th grade the great economic separator of kids. Then they both got real jobs—more financial separation and the I had the accident and that was that.

Now, as adults, we are kind of drifting back, Tom has acquired a disability which may or may not surpass mine as far as severity goes. They are both retired and have the ability to enjoy life a bit. We love to talk about the old days and talk about those folk we used to know and what are they doing now.I think we tend to tell tales about family members,especially if we happen to share the same history. We dance round the edges just barely talking about death, our ages and maybe even our deaths as inevitable. These two are concrete and a comfortable validity of my life past and present.

So, the guys called ME, they really did, will they call again next time their in town I don't know but maybe they did once why not again?

More Than Enough

In all the drama which has had be concentrated on all the wrong things I neglected inform you all and discuss the passing of our twentieth anniversary or is it our 5^th?. The last week of February was wet cold and at times snowy. It not a good tome to go out after work. Still I was very much aware this was our 5th or 20^th celebration. We were married on Leap Year, February 29^th, which comes round once every four years. I could have wanted to celebrate and least go,out for dinner and flowers and during lunch I did visit the downtown drug store and picked up a less the totally cute card. Earlier at least a week earlier I had noticed the new Leonard Cohen's latest CD Old Ideas at the Starbucks where I often seek shelter from the elements when I catch my morning bus. I had Cohen's piece earlier on NPR, when Cohen did an interview—I was taken woth the music-so dark and so rich—like fine coffee almost to dark to drink. I found some samples at Amazon and let Dianne here them and she was as impressed with his music as I but I could not tell if Leonard's music too dark for Dianne but I ran with it anyway better to have a dark collection music then show up at the anniversary empty handed.

As predicted, a storm rolled in on Wednesday night, I was a head of the storm all the way to the train station, homeward bound, as came into the Murray Central station the first punch of the storm was landing, strong winds were blowing snowflakes, emasse in horizontal direction the the ground. I turtled into my jacket as the driver opened the doors of the train and let the bridge down. I noticed that was parked and waiting for my arrival. I dashed down the switchback ramp and headed for the van the wind was freezing spiked with driven snow. I finally boarded the van and we discussed going out to celebrate the day but the elements were against—we elected to do drive thru from the “stands” on State street and went home to hide from the storm. We ate our take out and Dianne made popcorn and covered me with my TV watching blankets.

Because this year has been so tight we have had to be somewhat frugal in the gifting area. I doubt I would have gotten anything for Dianne Old Ideas had not been conveniently at Starbucks. Our evening was quiet and civilized as evenings of folks married twenty years should be. We have weathered most challenges and assaults which tend to erode and weaken relationships in this day of age. Kids, bills, catastrophic illness and bankruptcy and yet, we are still together. We ate committed tom getting by and staying together. I wish we had more money, a new van job security but we don't. We have each other and we both know that having each other is way more then enough.

POINT OF VIEW

The surreal has has upgraded or degraded ( from your POV) to comically bizarre regarding my impending employment doom. I am at the point where I am just working to produce the needed items for people who are requesting items from me which may or may-not hurt my further employment prospect after this job puffs away. Last weekend Dianne and I developed a new and improved resume which is actually beautiful, beautiful in spite of my many self defeating and non-productive behaviors through the creative experience—luckily for me Dianne just patted my head told me to shut up un less I had data or support to give and plowed on with the resume creation. Everyone I have exposed the resume to have been impressed from my current boss to the “Fixer” who emailed me back “Thanks and this is exactly what I needed”. These responses were so rewarding that I have been sending out the resume to folks all over the valley.

One of the very interesting things I have noted going through this resume thing, is how many people and memories I have forgotten. I have actually re-contacted a few I have not engaged with for two decades, mainly past employers—one said “ yeah, I do kinda remember you.” my boss and the Fixer keep working behind the scenes. I had a meeting with the local 211 call line director. She is relatively new but seemed open to hiring someone for to cover the disability question vacuum the loosing of Access Utah Network could create( namely me) if I could bring over a pot of money to cover the position—this sounds a little counter intuitive—like if I could conjure up a pot of money why would I need to migrate to 211? what I understand this maybe what the Fixer may have some input with—he maybe able to come up with some one time money which could get me passed the next year and into retirement age and retirement land. The current legislative season is nearly complete and as the season winds up powerful folk with see what funds may be hanging round after the blood letting is over. I really do not need much, I really don't, as the famous cartoon Mitt Romney says “ all we need is just enough”

Its March, snow fell yesterday and during the night, I made it to work OK, rattled my teeth a little with all the ice ruts on the streets getting to the bus stop but I made it loosing control on the but once and I was able to stop my forward motion before I slid off the curb. It cold too but not too cold. Snow has been flurring off and on all day but there are patches of blue and the sun keeps breaking through burning off the snow and giving me hope. Its March, after all, the day's hours of sunlight are longer and longer forcing the season to reconsider its grip in the area and think of moving on, twenty days to Spring nuff said.