Self Doubt

I'm coming up on the conclusion of my first month living out on my own. bills will be coming too and I have to admit I'm a little freaked out. I just hope I have enough funding coming in to cover what I have out. I think I do, at this point in time if my benefits come in as expected. Yesterday in an explosion of proaction I called my provider home health providers ie attendants and ask what's the monthly statement would read. I was pleased to find the total  with in my budget. I see if I need to endure a few of these kinds of months so I can get a Baseline of what my life's going to be at least financially.

I was Ill this week at one time running a temperature can coughing significantly and not sleeping through the night. In those Quiet Moments, in the middle of the night, I was getting kinda spooked at the idea of not being able to take care of myself or my life. I just cannot seem to keep my apartment clean. I've dropped things everywhere,thee carpet is toast. I hope to vacation today a little. I am terrified at having to give up my chair for repair. I don't have a backup, not really. I thought I was going to be able to use my manual  in chair but I don't thinik this going to really work. I am not a young man anymore. I don't think I could really ever keep house. I think I always needed some sort of maide a backup of some sort. I may still have to figure out something like that if I plan to stay living independently. I'm hoping most of those thoughts were propagated by the illness and the fact I was alone on a typically family loaded day. Although, I do tend to keep away from these events as far as I can still. I had my night staff leave the vacuum cleaner out and plugged in in the hopes of me actually running it over the carpet a little bit today. Typical Tuesday morning meeting cancelled leaving me home slash in the apartment. I'm actually feeling pretty good and trying to keep from going out in the cold but if I have to I can deal without problem.  I am cooking today my unit reeks of onion and garlic... I love it.

My Thanksgiving

The days become cold at least by my standards. I've got to keep in mind that I'm looking through ill colored glasses. The cough which is been playing with me for the last couple days I finally decide to get serious. The night before yesterday I was up all night sure I had a fever and I was coughing never ending cough. Of course I did bring any of those kinds of meds when I moved. Luckily my brother Carl called and asked if I needed anything. I have course told him I needed ibuprofen cough medicine cough syrup and I even threw in some throat lozenges. I was a zombie all day. They brought me down a Thanksgiving dinner from upstairs. It was okay I appreciate the inclusion but it wasn't what I'm used to Dianne and I could really kick butt on Thanksgiving dinner. I pretty much watched DVDs all day. It was not a real productive day. Today is not much better however I did feel good enough to get dressed but I didn't yesterday so I just hung around in the robe Dianne at made me couple years ago.

I really wanted to be in bed and use the medications to help me sleep and get caught up a little bit but it was just such a weird night. I found myself sitting in my chair like going over the right side chair with a chair everything I did seemed to go wrong. I knocked everything out of my nighttime box more than once I barely had the strength to put the stuff back in it periods the first time I tried to transfer into bed my foot got caught in the footpeddle padding of the chair then wouldn't let them go I struggled with this for about a half an hour. Finally I was able to free my legs by tilting back in my chair and that finally helped had to reach them completely out of the foot padding on the left side. spirits finally I was able to free my legs by tilting back in my chair and that finally helped had to reach down for my leg completely out of the foot padding on the left side. In the trauma of everything I ran over my bed controls for the bed boy was I  bummed luckily the buttons still work and I  have found the top peace and Jim came over this afternoon and put the thing back together it works just fine. I got the heat turned up to 75 it's freezing outside ,snow fell yesterday then maybe more tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm going to make my trips to the market but I'm sure I'll feel better once I feel better and I'll be able to get the Market just fine.

 I continue to worry about my ability to live independently alone. It's spooky at how many assists i need during one day.
I am still living on drugs. I'm sure everything will look different tomorrow or the day after or the day after that...

Challenge Time

 The challenges never stop.  I was actually in a pretty good mood this morning upon waking. it was earlier than I anticipated, the time that I walk and could not get back to sleep, but still I was pretty excited about having a day to myself. no commitments nothing to really leave the apartment about just working on the apartment itself. I was also excited about working with my friend Duane, who indicated he would help me get my printer are a color printer. I transferred into my chair no issues, started the coffee and then did my morning routine ending of course being dressed. Then without warning the left arm of my chair fell off.

 The arm is attached to the chair  by a mechanism, a button that when pushed detaches the arm from the chair when it works. Somehow I have destroyed this as I do everything. I have broken the mechanism. The part  fell  completely off.  I think I was kind of in shock. I scooped up the arm put it in my lap I'm just sort of rolled around my apartment aimlessly knowing what I had to do was too Saddle Up and head into town to Alpine Medical.  I called the resident advisor comma Jimmy who came down and messed with my car in a little bit and sort of got it to stay on but it was not going to stay and I had to get into the shop to see if anything could be done , all I know was that it was going to be a long holiday weekend if not longer.

 I was kind of proud of myself I rolled out and got to the bus stop and into town at good speed. I know they weren't happy to see me rollin to Alpine especially since they're really big on making appointments. Mario  is the head technician there at Alpine Medical. I have developed a respect for this guy over the years that I've had to work with him. I don't know how good he is about pulling rabbits out of hats but so far is that okay with me.Mario looked at the arm and at the damage and agreed there was nothing that could really be done a side from ordering new parts which is really going to be time-consuming and expensive . However Mario cinched the  arm back into place on the frame of the chair.  A  temporary fix,  at best,and will greatly limit my ability to rome over the next couple days  if not weeks if he can push chair repair. Now the case I will be without my power chair which means I'm going to have to really focus on using my manual chair which kind of freaks me out.

 I was ready for a holiday-- not another challenge but looks like challenge it will be, not to say anything about the challenge of cost, already the estimate is closing in on two thousand dollars!!!!

Can any one say "Thanksgiving "?

Rain

I was hoping today would be a slow day. I knew it was going to rain today so I planned on staying in the apartment doing things, apartment things. However, I did get dressed got my shoes on and was puttering around the apartment when I got a call from Jennifer. She let me know that I have not paid November's rent! I was astounded. I think what happened when I moved in because it was late October just a couple days left and I paid for those days and the deposit. So I just think I figured I had already paid the rent for November which I had not.

Clouds had come in over night and I think there had been a little rain in the early morning but today doesn't look too wet. Either way I had to get over to Mountain America and get some checks since the apartments will not take credit cards only checks... That is so weird. So I saddled Up and headed out. By this time it was 12 noon. And I knew nobody was going to be there over lunch so I just sort of dallied here and there. Imagine my shock when I finally got to the bank in the bottom of the Student Union building at Salt Lake Community College and realized they take their lunch from 1 to 2. So I had to kill yet more time but I finally got blank checks. I stopped at the market on the way home I got a bag of onions and other things I probably didn't really need like two packages of country ribs pork ribs. They are on sale I figured it was a good thing to do. Coming home from the market the rain decided to begin in earnest. I got home just in time has the real rain started. It was great to be home in my little apartment.

It's going to be wet now and  cold as we enter this Thanksgiving week. At this point I am planning Thanksgiving here at the apartments courtesy of Salvation Army and Utah non profit. Actually I'm okay with that. Where else would I go?

Turn Up The Heat

I like to cook, in I love to cook. I really have not been able to cook since stenosis 1 and I really missed the experience. I don't know what I like about cooking so much perhaps it's the concept of creation and sometimes when you make something other folks like that is filling as well. I don't have a big repertoire just things lik bread, egg foo young, breakfast many different variations, cookies you know the usual. I like putting all the ingredients together and having The mixture come out something delightful.

The kitchen I have here at my new apartment is sort of kind of wheelchair accessible. Everything is lowered and that's about it. Don't get me wrong I'm totally thankful for this kitchen, granted electric cooking Versus gas and my gas range I could totally roll underneath it to do some real serious.. So I have to approach this electric range from the one But cooking with the electric range is doable just l not as aesthetic is gas.

The sink is pretty much the same situation. However,, I did get management to remove the wooden guard plate underneath the sink which allows me to get further underneath the sink in my power chair.. This certainly makes doing dishes much more bearable.. Again, aesthetics suffer for access at least in my case..

But I really miss is the lowered counterspace/work area. Dianne had installed the six-inch line of counterspace lowered for real charities – – it was wonderful. I have been really not cooking much just because of the limited surface space and lack of really accessible work area. However, my brother Carl fashioned me a piece of whether the handle which allows me to turn the only drawer in my kitchen, Usable working space. Last night I made meatloaf, to cook today, and the pullout work area is perfect for me to enjoy prepping ingredients for the meatloaf a piece of cake. And speaking of cake I will now have a wonderful area to mix of cake I'm pretty excited.

Yesterday,, I was actually making breakfast. It was a Saturday breakfast kind of like Cheerios, milk, Banana and of course toast.. I recently restored toaster oven I brought over from t Utahna house. I have used the toaster almost 20 years and it was pretty hammered an crusted. I was going to throw it away.. But when the toaster oven donated me by my manager here Begin to disintegrate I pulled my red toaster of an out the garbage and spiffed it up. Actually, now I love the toaster,, and everything works especially the toaster part. Anyway yesterday morning I was toasting my bread and all the sudden great screeching and foreign sounding and lights flashing began. I of course, I of course was startled but I figured Wow a fire drill!I opened the door rolled out into the hall and then realized the chaos of noise was coming from my apartment alone. I set off the fire on! I was bummed out thinking that every time I wanted to cook I was in set off the fire alarm. When the alarm goes off, I must contact the resident assistant (R A) and then comes around and shuts off the line.

Donna and Jimmy are my resident advisers. Donna turned off the alarm and assured me what happened was normal and that I should not be embarrassed or weirded out in any way.. I just need to open the outside door a crack when I cook.

Thankfully,, unlike the fire alarm at my Utahna house, this alarm does not go to the fire department. I'm cooking again like I mean kind of fun fire alarms and all.

Youngest

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I'm the youngest person in this apartment complex in I'm 65. Granted,, I knew this was a senior living apartment complex when I moved in but I didn't realize just how senior this project is. You pretty much have to be independent to live here but many folks myself included have home health professionals coming in to assist off and on throughout the week. What's interesting though is that I find myself looking for somebody who looks like me when I roll around the facility and take part in some of the events the facility offers. I wonder just how similar these feelings are the folks of color are minorities. When they live in such a white culture as Salt Lake/Utah and they don't see anyone who looks like them. It's not like I dislike my neighbors and fellow apartment residents it's just that they are so much senior than I that I find myself listening to them out of respect and supporting them in their discussions as opposed to having anything, with me. I don't know if that makes any sense but a good case in point is Sandra (the name is changed for whatever reason) Sondra is a first-generation German Sandra is really nice . A fourth Sandra's right foot has been and continue and she has a great deal of phantom pain.. Many days she sits in a four-year that I have to pass exit the building to get on my way.. I always stop and visit with her dog but I know that doing so will basically rehash many of our already had conversations. I would just as soon not have to repeat some of those conversations. I stop and visit we have a bit of a conversation and then I'm on my way. I feel for her truly do but I just can only spend so much time rehashing.

Jimmy And his wife Donna are what is called resident advisors. They are folk set aside by the property owners as people who can help you when you have problems.. Today washing clothes when Jimmy came in to watch. More often than not Jimmy wears tie-dyed clothes, he has fairly long hair (almost down to the shoulders) and a fine beard.. In fact I understand he plays Santa Claus for a number of buildings is property management program owns. Jim is a nice guy,, he's very good with his hands, can fix almost anything seems to help everyone. Jimmy's two years and I – – so I need to refine my statement that perhaps I'm not the youngest person residing here. But then again Jimmy's almost management. But I feel myself being pulled towards Jimmy more and more. Is someone close to my ag and I can tell we have quite a few things in common. I suppose this is what I'm talking about a wish there were more residents like Jimmy here. Now I just have to be careful but I don't wear him out.

A Tad More Human

Yesterday I got a table. Actually I got a table and chairs four chairs and a nice round table with legs long enough that I can actually get underneath the table with my power chair. I've been meaning to get this piece of furniture for some time butthead really not been able to figure out how. I was hopeful earlier in the week plan the manager of this apartment complex indicated what are the tenets who just left to go into a nursing care facility has left apartment full of furniture and she would check to see about the table in that unit. I was disheartened later to find that she said the table trashed and all the other materials for sale tobacco smoke laden she couldn't see it going into my unit. I thought so that's good no problem and I thought in the back of my mind how long is it going to take to find something? Then a day or two ago she indicates that she may have found something but she's not sure. The furniture was out in front lobby of the building going to take a look at it I would have first dibs on the furniture.

When I saw the table and chairs I was a little dismayed what kind of intrigued at the same time. My biggest worry was how my going to get more furniture in to my fast-growing small apartment? But I was willing to give it a try. The on-call assistant has had some hip replacement work lately you cannot really lift a lot of stuff so we had to wait until we could get some other help to get the table and chairs down to my unit. I was worried when we did get the items there that the table was too big to get in through the door. Jimmy came down and had moved enough stuff to know how to make these kind of issues. You look good in tilted and soon the chair and table or inside the apartment. It's tight but not as bad as I thought it was going to be and after looking at many of the other folks Apartments I think mine will be ok. I'm having to move a lot of stuff in particular my Saratoga silver but that's okay now I have 4 chairs that people can sit on if and when they come to visit and find Round Table but I can get under and eat at and on and I'm feeling just a tad more human.

Options

It seems like there is always something I'm trying to be worried about. Don't know why but that seems to be the norm now. Perhaps I nee the tension, stress or focus get through the day.

I have known for a couple of weeks,, ever since my chair started actively falling apart, that I'm going to have to get some attention paid to the device which means that I'm going to have to give up the chair for however long it's going to take to do the repairs. Well this became a reality this week when I went into Alpine to have chair appraised . I think Alpine's technicians have become sensitive Become sensitive to the problem of having to give up your primary means of mobility for however long it takes to repair. So now they tend to want to get all their ducks in a row so that when the time for repair does comeyou are without your care the least amount of time possible. They quoted me three days I would be without my chair.This seems like an eternity and quite frankly scares the hell out o me sort of. They have even suggested that I could use a loaner chair during the time of repair. However I have learned from experience the care they usually supply is a real dog and actually very painful to use for extended period of time i.e. three days.

I've become quite dependent on my power chair. I've never been this dependence on the power chair at any point in my life. Before I used by manual care at home, pretty much, and power chair I used to get back and forth to work and to use during the day. I was strong then I could transfer into and out of my chair and back again. I had my room set up so I could make these transfers safely. My left side is much weaker now, plus since the operations. When I was in rehab I kind of worked at using the manual chair. I could push my manual care okay but transferring was an issue. I should've been working on ttransferring the last couple months but I have not. I have once again become reliant on my power chair… It's just easier. Now,, I need to really look at getting back in using my manual chair.. I'm going to have to use a manual chair I think over the three days of power chair repair. If I can get a power chair, as a loner, with enough mass that I can use it to block my manual chair during the transfers this might work. I have a power chair but it's at the house and I don't know I don't know the status of any of that material. Even though I cannot use the power chair for transportation I might be able to use it to block the manual chair during transfers. I also have the option… Maybe, to see if the resident advisor here at Plymouth View might even come by just make sure a transfer okay.. He gets up around 430 or 5 AM which would work for me. It's option it just might work for that period of time.

Once again, I feel so fortunate,, to have options. Options are gold spend them wisely

What Should Have Been!!

(This post should have run yesterday bit I did not have any way to access the Net,last night.)

I'm going to meet with nurse Cratchit this morning after I got up had breakfast and went up to the second floor to the computer lab to type out the items I needed to visit with the folks Alpine Medical this afternoon. My appointment with Alpine was at 1 o'clock so I figure that had more than enough time To print out a document and then meet with social worker. I was a little frustrated been trying to print out my document because the printer didn't seem to work to about seven minutes to realize that someone had turned the printer off.. This was something I can fix it I did. That was off to the social worker's office. There is no one there. I looked at the times posted on the door and what I had read as Monday through Friday 8 AM to 4 PM was actually Monday Thursday Friday at those times. Of course today is Tuesday and no one is at home. It certainly solved that problem for today.

It was getting close to 11 o'clock when I left the apartment to begin my trip over to Alpine . It was a good day for riding the bus and I enjoy the last of the good weather for a while stopping off at Taco time for lunch and to kill little time before my scheduled meeting .. It was then that I noticed Cinema 16 movie theaters. And I thought wow! What I don't take in a movie? So just for the reason that I can I decided I would go to the new Marvel movie Dr. Strange. I figured it wouldn't take long at Alpine could I know it was basically going to be exploratory.

I got to Alpine Med iin good time and had about 30 minutes to wait. I checked out the new power chairs,reclind to my chair to take some weight off my butt And goofed up on my tablet trying to use their Wi-Fi. The Wi-Fi was way too slow so basically I hung out. I didn't pay much attention to the fact that I goTo the shop around 12:30 PM and of course everyone was at lunch. But eventually the technician got to me we went over my chair near a bunch of things wrong. He tried to hide the glee and dollar signs in his eyes what the cost is going to be but we're going to run it past the insurance and see what, if anything, they will do. I have my doubts but will have to do something..

I felt like a kid playing hooky when I bought my ticket to the theater.I timed it perfectly I got popcorn and candy $20 worth of three items. And made my way to the theater. It wasn't a great but it was entertaining and at 230 in the afternoon almost deserted. I had a grand time. I'm not proud of myself for having sort of Ferris Bueller's Day but it was kind of fun and I think I will do it again real soon just not the wheelchair stuff.

I Really Did The work!

I actually have a posting for today. However trying to figure out how to load it was extraordinary. I wrote The Post after I got home from the movies and when I finally have it done I tried to Post-it from my laptop of course, that wouldn't work I couldn't get a Wi-Fi uplink. Then I tried to load the document By  downloading the document from the laptop to my tablet and then posting my documents from my tablet to the internet. And that did not work. My next idea was to load the document to a thumb drive didn't carry the thumb drive up stairs to the computer lab and post from one of those computers since they always have access to the internet. I was shocked when I got up there and the doors were locked!! It was a giant conspiracy against me loading tonight. So this will have to do... It's not 500 Words hopefully it'll do until tomorrow.

New Week! .

It's a brand-new week, it looks beautiful outside, the weather is holding for this late in November. I kind of look forward to the cloudy messy days of late fall or early winter but I have to admit I do enjoy the warm days of the end of the season. I awoke again early this morning. I was playing with encouraging thoughts particularly of finding out a way to work with what particularly my sticks making hooks. I realized that I have options that I have Not really explored the setting A mini shop in this area. I mean I'm not going to go full bore – – but I want to make a couple sticks and I can. I cannot believe how much I sabotage myself in this particular direction. I just need to get back to my tools that they're still around or pume wherever I were to go.

I was Facebook by my ex brother-in-law – – major born-again – – who I like very Much. I don't know however if I should be communicating with this guy right now since he is totally LinkedIn with Diane's family. I sure don't want to make issues for him are Dianne or myself. So I thankerchase set of tools minimized for whatever I need – – send it to go with d him for his continued support and then backed away. Things get so complicated. Today, I plan to meet with support coordinator see what she wants. So forward I go

Nothing Else Better To Do

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm waiting for my clothes to dry. I feel fortunate because this place and living has really nice laundry facilities. They have a laundry facility on each floor: three washers and three dryers. The cost of the license $.75 or three quarters which is the same for the dryers. The drawback on the dryers is that it's $.75 for hire along the dryers run. In some laundromats I've used over the years you could pay for the length of dryers use that you want 10 sense of value a few extra minutes or $.25 or whatever. This is $.75 if it's not dry then you're in for another $.75. However I must admit I can usually get the message done with one go round of $.75.

Last week I broke one of the dryers or the door to the dryer I was using. I used my hook to pry the door open and broke the plastic handhold to uphold the door open. I ended up pulling the plastic and hold completely out of the door on the upside with the plastic device gone I can get my fingers in far enough to pull the door open. I of course reported the issue and they were very generous and forgiving in this week the door and then fixed the handhold replaced and the device almost inaccessible to me how ever I was much more careful this time around when using my device to open the door.

The first floor laundry is Just down from the foyer to the front door. There are a number of very nice chairs and sofas in this area and is a gathering place for many of the apartment residents to gather after walking their dogs. I have not mentioned the fact that it seems that almost everyone has a small dog and of course all dogs need to Be walked. The dogs are reallywell-trained as a rule,Pugs and poodlesAnd all kinds of little beasts. Today there were four living residents discussing all manners of political events the past week and their displeasure over the government and the President-elect. It was pretty entertaining. The ladies were quite up to whatever government gossip is going around about the President-elect. In the 40 to 45 minutes I was there there is only one incident on gossip about what the other building residents seem to lean a lot of clothing from dumpsters. This residency be quite adapt and getting nice-looking pieces of clothing. Have to admire her reminds me of my mom had my mom and able to do dumpster shopping. The conversation was intriguing and I was pleased that they allowed me to be part of their commune. As much as I enjoy the inclusion I had to get my clothes and get back to my apartment. I want to go to the market and purchase a few things for the coming week and to get out and enjoy the sunshine. After all it is Sunday afternoon on a warmer than usual November day. I have nothing else better to do.

Beware

I continue to transition into my new apartment. I don't know why I am at such un-ease. The unease is not necessarily intending to which I felt in other situations but I do have feeling of things not being done right or that I am not doing things correctly or will be not doing things correctly when the time comes. First and foremost being the reordering of medications as well as communicating/dealing with Medicare and Medicaid, PEHP and other bureaucracies which have control over my life.

The facility I live in, Plymouth View, I am beginnng to realize, I may have got more than I bargained for. I was stopped by this individual who lives here to find out that , in fact she works here. I think she's a social worker. She stopped and asked me what I can meet with her – – this of course sent up all kinds of red flares And memories of Other such requests from people over my life i.e. teachers, professors, employers.When I asked her why he said to work on my Service Plan.. I dodged setting up a specific Time and rolled away thinking wow. I found out that she's the Service Coordinator. This information kind of spooked me but then I figured why not? A lot of these folks do need somebody like this to help them with their issues and then I thought hey! I could use somebody help me with MY issues.Then, I felt a bit of humiliation why my needing this kind of assistance… Why do THEY think I need this kind of assistance. What kind of place do I live in if I have to be part of such goings-on? I've been pondering this ever since she made a request. I found her office is way up on the third floor of the building I live . I have gone up there couple of times trying to meet with her to find out more about this Service Plan. And trying not to think that I live in some kind of senior institution… But maybe I do. Is that bad? I look around at my peers able-bodied and those disabled living independently in going on in their lives like real people. I'm trying to hammer my living situation into something that I can wrap around my brain and except. I needed to find a place to live immediately and displays popped up… Actually I looked for a place that had accessibility. I knew this organization had such facilities and may have had the unit open and he did. The unit was opportunity and I grabbed the place immediately. I'm a quadriplegic, from 65 years old, I'm having to live on my own and I found a place that I can do that. I'm using programs and services which I've always thought were for other people that I would never have to be like or use myself aand yet here I am. I should be happy, I should feel really… And I do. I am happy and I'm thankful And yet something feels just a little off. I feel a little like Jack Nicholson in Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

I just have to keep an eye out for Nurse Cratchet.

Bottom Concerns

Sometimes I get so discouraged and I do not know If that is a big thing or a little thing but it's a thing just the same. I noticed the last couple of days That might but just got more and more tender. About this time last week but I was so worried that I called Dave Riser see if I can have him look might but see if I had skin breakdown but I had my own health care person look at it she said look fine. And so I went all week thinking it's been pretty good but last night I felt the ruff raised area and I'm thinking breakdown is either imminent or has already occurred. And I forgot to ask Honey to check my butt for breakdowns. So I don't know if the increased amount of traveling I am doing is irritating my butt or is it just my cushion in general as The cushion is exactly turned against me and is doing more harm than good. I know I spend a good part of my day in the tilted back position Taking as much weight off my right cheek or rear end  as possible.

I really want to put the burden of responsibility on this power chair I am sitting in. The chair now is so warped out of Shape there's no way my body had a chance of not being damaged. But maybe I have clouded my own vision by denial. Maybe my body is so work out of line from 50 years stenotic stress pulling my frame massively to the right that I cannot sit straight ahead of what intervention technology throws at me. Wow. That would be hard to grasp something to back my mind's whispering that this is the way it is, it is true and now I am so scoliosis nothing can help me. Be that as it may,, be that totally true I refuse to accept it to live my life as well as I can.

I think I'll try one more time to work with the physical therapist are an occupational therapist or both outlining another chair or system that might help me live independently as pain-free and body safe as possible.

Not that it matters but I've been looking very counterproductive for the past couple days. I don't know if I'm acting/eating out because of the divorce or doing the same from anger/fear of being totally on my own and having no control and by eating I enjoy some control over my life. That is so juvenile I cannot believe I'm susceptible that kind of thing. But I have been buying lots candy bars (even though I'm not eating them all at one time),, I made hash browns with corned beef – – Yum Yum – – I'm really cooking again, which I love to do, then delete more? I think I gained half a kilogram of all kilograms last week! Got to control myself and reign myself in. Saying that, I'm excited I am going do a roast

On My Own – – Sort of

I know I'm going on and on about living on my own, living in the apartment and digesting to all the love. What I'm finding this challenge of adjustment is like everything else which is happening to me at this point in my life. Starting out a new at 65 is a totally different experience of starting out at 30, My age when I had my first divorce. I was working full-time and had a couple good friends who helped me through this. Working full-time is really insists – – I didn't realize how much – – not having to deal with the pain/boredom/futility of being alone. Going through this now, being much more dependent than I have ever been since my accident, having to employ on health people and keep myself occupied and out of trouble really is a challenge. I few things in a weekly basis that I do excuse me focused sort of but then there's all kinds of time I have which is kind of like downtime that I feel I should be doing something and I'm not. I'm proud of myself in that I'm not watching a lot of TV I did go through number of red boxes last week but those movies are kind of unfulfilling. I'm glad that I have read boxes close as I do but I think I'll wait on them and watch them only on special occasions.

I'm kind of proud of myself. I have begun cooking earnestly. I note that I'm cooking a lot of starches and fats but I'm eating cautiously and stretching out a can of Corned beef for a number of meals rejecting puts me in my 1800 cal a day cycle. I purchased bacon, eggs some vegetables not much though raw vegetables, Carrots celery and onions. I Even purchased a pack of steaks which I froze Except for one After marinating way too long. It's pretty salty and still pretty tough. I don't know when going to do with the rest of the states I think you have three more in the freezer. I may get a hammer and pound the toughness out just for the fun of it. I still have a number of meals and going to prepare this week. Most spectacular is going to be this roast I purchased earlier in the week. Beautiful pot roast that I am going to cover with Lipton soup then cook for 6 to 8 hours in my crockpot. This should be a lot of fun make the place now really great inhibitions that eat for a couple of days. The meat is way more than I need I feel guilty that way but I figure I'll do okay. What about the roast I also bought 2 pounds of hamburger 1 pound I froze that I want to make into a meatloaf the other I fried up with onions and garlic and have been using it with Corn tortillas and purchased about the same time. Cottage cheese and grapes, bananas and orangesI'm doing okay for being 65 and on my own. I doubt I could have done any of this on my own say havingthe help from family and friends has made all the difference. I hope I can sustain this level of independence soon earlier I'm going to fail,, I'm making what can you expect? But it won't be today.

Arm Bike

I have not used my Saratoga silver arm bike in at least a week. A week is how long I have been at this apartment. Initial stress of moving is now past the trauma of letting go of things I've held onto for decades and downsizing and then orchestrating the move over to this property. Then reversing that exercise by finding a place for all the things I brought with me in this living space.. I did a lot of stuffing. Stuffing this here stuffing that there stuffing things everywhere I dare. Little by little bit things are finding a place to be. Granted it may not be the final place they will be the the of being right now in the place that is best for them which is best for me.. The apartment still it's a mess. The carpet gets dirtier and dirtier as I move back and forth day and night. I've got most the cans of food put away there's still a box or bag that needs tending toBut I at least have them out of the way behind the closet door and pushed off into a corner. I have my little desk set up so I can address letters and cards And maybe even sketch.

I feel like Marty Sheen in his role as Capt. Benjamin Willard in a great film Apocalypse Now, where the captain is in his hotel suite waiting for an assignment and he seems to of been waiting a great while. He says each day he loses his edge each day gets a little more sloppy need to be back out in the field. I need to be back on my arm bike, everyday.. Every day I feel like it a little weaker, I feel I lose a little strength or ability in my left side. This may be my imagination that's how I'm feeling not being able to use my arm bike like I was. I know things are just settling down, and I will be able to use my arm bike again shortly but until then I'm feeling a bit anxious. Thank God I set up the rickshaw on the patio outside my apartment. I'm able to use that on my regular schedule of every other day 100 reps. This is great what I need for now. This led to some physical regimen and something to keep my weight At bay, all though I gained a little bit last time I weighed three nights ago. I wish I could get some physical therapy going

physical therapy would be great right now – – I need to have to work on this.

I am waiting for people, I'm waiting for someone to move my arm like down or up to the exercise room where it'll be installed for me the use of their. I have kind of indicated that the people could use the Saratoga. Makes me a little nervous thinking of the people be turning the crank and messing with the numbers.. But that's okay really if they wear it out then I get another one I can do that right now. Not that I would but I could perhaps a device not as sophisticated as the Saratoga Silver but something that allow me to work my arms and push up my cardio.I finally moved the last two boxes that were blocking the Saratoga and push it over to a outlet, plug it in and do some pumping.

The Seventh Day

This is the seventh day in my new place. This is my first weekend since the moving and it's all pretty interesting to me. It's a slow day I guess. I actually got some decent rest compared the last couple days. I got up had cold cereal, made coffee did my morning routine just to enjoyed the place. Had to take DVDs back to the Red Box. This was also an excuse to do more shopping. I'm getting a little worried about myself. Kind of shocked my brains out. Today was almost nothing but impulse purchasing. I sort of justify the purchases I am making To myself by replenishing the refrigerator and the closets. This morning I bought mashed potatoes – – already made mashed potatoes – – a slice of ham, bacon, a roast, four large Hershey bars potato chips, and the bag of Fritos. I can justify all the stuff but do I need it?No! Something is going on in my head I am sure of it. Got a couple more movies too ...I'm going to spend my evening watching movies.

I'm getting a little frustrated with the Wi-Fi setup here at Plymouth Place. I was thinking they had their own IT guy but they don't. They have the IT guy of the parent corporation and he just get here sometimes. I don't know if it's my computer or their spotty WI-Fi but yesterday morning and afternoon I was pretty much able to get out on the net. Of course last night, after working hours, I was dead in the water I could not get out on my laptop. I think it out on my other pieces of technology just not with the laptop. I don't know why this is but I'd sure like to find out. I really could use a good connection that worked anytime I needed . I did get my cable operational I guess that's important. I feel pretty pathetic that I insisted that the cable be working and now I have no desire to watch anything offered on our cable. Our cable offering does not come with any premium channels ire. HBO, Showtime etc. Am I becoming too elitist?. Actually I'm beginning to think of the just happy watching the DVDs I already have and which I might acquire. And at the Internet is working on this machine I can actually enjoy a great deal of offerings from Amazon Prime.

Yesterday was my poop an shower day. Jennifer was going to bring a new person,, which she did by the name of Honey.. Honey seems an interesting CNA. She small stature, has red hair, looks significantly younger than she is. She is a nice person and I think will do well as my CNA since it sure looks like Jennifer is going to jump. Which is okay as long the job gets done. Looks like were going to Monday Wednesday Friday schedule and just one segment where we go three nights Without pooping. I did get the go-ahead To call the agency if I need to have a bowel movement. Actually, I'm hoping I can take care of myself and I could if I could just get back in the chair once I do my elimination. Something to work on. I'm still waiting on billing cycle before I pass judgment on these folks.

I think I will begin a movie considered the chips are candy bars and enjoy my Saturday evening

Reasonably Well and Happy

I have been in my unit now almost 5 days, it feels like forever, but that's good. I really like it here. I like the people, I like the place I even like local/ neighborhood. My son has been great coming over almost every other night and much of the weekend to work on getting me squared away in the unit. He was over tonight working on my computer and carrying some the moving boxes away to the garbage.

 I almost feel the same way with my new home health provider but there just seems to be some chinks independently the armor.   as of yet nothing too awfully bad but enough that concern raises its hideous head. Just little things like she was 15 minutes late yesterday. She said she was waiting at the front door waiting to get in she did not have the security code for the front door and had to wait till somebody came in and come in with them. And she leaves me no paperwork nothing to sign, nothing to indicate that she'd been there, nothing to indicate that I had paid her - - actually I have not paid her yet I'll be interested to see what comes the first billing cycle. However the knife Cuts both ways I do not have records to show IRS that I have paid her / company for services rendered. This could come back to bite me on the butt She said or led me to believe she would be my only care provider and now she's introducing me to somebody else who will be trained to  provide my ddisability needs so there  be  will a broader client slash consumer base  to provide a trained group to pull from if I need to. So I guess that's cool still feels a little funny.

My butt has been hurting that's that's that's all I need is skin breakdown. I was so worried about it this morning I was calling my MD to see if he'd look at my butt to see if I need a referral to wound care. That didn't go anywhere which is just as well because my butt feels OK tonight so I'll just keep an eye on it  sure I'm OK and that I do not die of sepsis