Working It Out

I am sure somewhere in writing this blog I have used the analogy  of the dog who chases  the car and what would  the mutt do if he actually catches the vehicle? Well, I think I'm becoming that mutt. As you all know I have been involved with the Wellness program offered by the University of Utah physical therapy rehabilitation program. Again I am impressed with the quality  and the amount of good the Wellness program has done for me: I've dropped a little weight, trimmed up and got some definition in my musculature. This project has obviously been good for me to the point I want to keep going in the direction of healthy self improvement. The Wellness program is okay, actually it's damn good for what it does. Wellness offers a platform for folks with disabilities to take some healthy control of their lives by offering a weight room and quasi trainers to assist in their efforts at an affordable price for most if not many folks with disabilities. There are a host of drawbacks with this program but I believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks to the point where my involvement with the Wellness program has become a major focus of my week visiting the program at least three times during the week.

So obviously the next step is leave your home to exercise if you could exercise at home?  I have been kind of searching the Internet for used equipment that would allow me to do the same exercise that I do at Wellness. To this end Dianne found a rickshaw listed on KSL.com for 50 bucks. This is a deal regardless of how you view the equipment or the price. I have endeavored this week and making contact with the individual who posted the rickshaw. We may contact and I bought the item, sight unseen except for what was listed in the” Classifieds”. The item listed looks like a rickshaw, not as nice a rickshaw as I see listed, but again, for the price very much worth the risk. 

It's the morning of Wednesday, October 30 and I am waiting optimistically for the individual to drop off the rickshaw. I'm a little spooked, not knowing what to expect for to put this piece of the equipment that will be worked out in due time. Dianne and I spoke last night and she is supporting the acquisition of an arm cycle here at the house. The arm cycle is a major part of my exercise regimen at Wellness. With these two pieces of equipment I'm well on my way to realizing a full-scale home gym. This excites me kind of. Dianne has also been researching neighborhood health programs and there is one really close in our community that has not only accessible weight/exercise equipment put a warm water pool and maybe even supports that would allow using the pool but safer than what is available close by in the public sector. If I were to get involved in one of these County programs, that is if they met my requirements for supported physical therapy, I. E. Working out then I would shed a relationship with Wellness/University rehabilitation altogether. This I have to consider more fully...hmmmm?

More to come…

A Teachable Moment

We have been blessed with numerous beautifully perfect autumn days the last few weeks. Each day is beautiful and perfect for being out in my chair, in the community and doing things I like to do. I think I am beginning to let my guard down, beginning to have faith that if I do, there will be no sucker punch . It's just beginning to feel like maybe no sucker.

Friday was beautiful of course and I spent the morning goofing around the house before getting ready for Wellness. I almost went in early having some errands to do before my workout but I dawdled too much.  Dianne drove me to the station and I was pleased to see I was quite on my regular schedule. I did my errands and still had a great time to kill before my three o'clock work. Therefore, I took the moments and wandered through Barnes & Noble on the excuse that I was doing recon for Christmas gifts. Friday was the 25^th, exactly 2 months before the great event.

You know as much as I should hate , big-box stores, and particularly big-box bookstores I don't. I really like Barnes & Noble the book mart, I feel good just being in Barnes & Noble, smelling the coffee, smelling the books and seeing the beautiful people which enhance the store. A fall afternoonin  Barnes & Noble is a fantastic place to spend a few minutes, on a rainy autumn afternoon or stormy winter afternoon Barnes & Noble is a great place to escape from the weather and just be for a moment or two. I even like to nod out sometimes deep within the stores stacks. Today however, I wandered back to the deli/coffee bar and just wondered if the cookies or cookie would be worth the investment. I had stopped earlier at Central Station and got a small order of fries at Carl's Jr. and felt since I didn't have a major lunch I could maybe justify a cookie. The Barnes & Noble Coffee shop has a very nice closed in baked goods window,showing all kinds,pastries.What intrigued me most was the cookies: giant “Dick, Jane and Sally”cookies. The price for these delicacies was two dollars each! I can afford two dollars for cookies I just don't know if I want pay two dollars for a cookie. So I looked and I looked and I look at the cookies. Somewhere along the line I decided I was going to buy the cookie regardless of the price a cookie seemed to be the perfect item for an autumn day waiting for Wellness.

As I stared at the cookies behind the counter there became an influx of people wandering up to the, and getting coffee and other treats which was okay I didn't want to have to make my decision to soon. I wanted to drag out my desire for the cookie. So I continue to look at the cookies not knowing that people were looking at me. As I sat back and let people in before me I noticed a small family: a mom and four boys all probably under four or five or six years of age. They're pretty well mannered I was impressed, they were cute not dressed stylish or fancy but in regular clothes, Tennis shoes jeans, longsleeved shirts under short-sleeved shirts and messy hair. Mom was also dressed accordingly the young upward mobile family out of Barnes & Noble being cool. I was amazed I somehow knew she would not even blink at paying two dollars a cookie plus whatever cost the hot chocolate was. That was cool after all this was Sugarhouse. It seemed this small family took forever to choose, and again that's cool, I was in no hurry. But finally the got their treasures and white wax paper handies and migrated to some empty tables not far from the dinosaur book section. I had made my decision  and it was time to order. Two dollars a cookie unbelievable! I can't think of the cost I just got a do it.

“ I'll have that macadamia nut cookie”, I said trying not to think of the price but trying to act cool. I had already fished out my wallet so I would not have to spend time rummaging through my backpack. I had the change I was ready when the sales girl said something like,” this is already been paid for”.

You know how in the fast pace of life, things happen to get said and no one pays much attention to, sometimes it seems the verbiage is just the lubricant of social interactions. But I had stopped to think and still with my wallet open and my hand ready to dig out dollars I asked again,” two dollars is that correct?”

“ This cookie is already been paid for” the salesgirl said again.

“ Who paid for this?” I said trying not to sound offensive or offended but curious then I realized it must be the lady with four boys. In a few brief seconds I had a major thought storm of how to handle this situation. A few months earlier someone had purchased my lunch, unbeknownst to me, and I'm not above accepting a free lunch now and then, but at the same time I must resist falling from my realms dignity.' I quickly came to resolve,' except the gift you fool this is a two dollar cookie!'

I called over to the small family and thank them for the cookie and the mom said " You're welcome.

I was amazed at how huge this cookie was. This probably was a two dollar cookie of value. Had I been smart I would've purchased a hot cocoa/coffee to go along the cookie but I did not. The cookie was free and I wanted to keep it that way.. As a munched on my cookie I thought about the counter. Was I somebodies teaching moment for the day, and upper-middle-class mom sure your kids be nice to the disabled guy perhaps worse be nice to the disabled bum. Why did she choose me, to look pathetic staring at the cookies behind the counter? Did she think I did not have the money, that I was one those people, pathetic people, who frequent places like Barnes & Noble to get out of the cold or other pieces of ugly weather? You know those hobos that have to take a break from the corners are standing on with their cardboard sign, we wander into Barnes & Noble to use the facilities and watch how other people live for a brief moment it may be spent a few of the hard begged dollars? Or maybe I was somebodies karma generator, someone trying to erase some bad karma. So I figured I'd turn it around and see myself as generating some good karma for myself by being the target of someone else's good intentions. To” roll with it” and doing some good in the world by allowing some good to be done.

The cookie was marvelous.

Dream. Scape

I don't have a recurring dream although I must admit I have dreams that have a reoccurring theme and that kind of worries me. Last night I dreamt, are what I remember dreaming was that I was having difficulty in my volunteer position and seemed to be causing me much stress. It seems so real like dreams do but I was actually sweating what the folks are how the folks at my volunteer site were going to terminate me. Then in a “ ah ha” moment I realized “ I can't be fired!”. I can be asked to leave and not return which I guess would amount to a firing but that the same trauma and fears that would come with being fired from a regular job.

Don't get me wrong I currently really enjoy my volunteer position. I like to work that I am asked to do. What I currrently do is inbound calling basically answering the phone when the next call comes in and try to match the person with their need hopes to help them get off their lives. It is a great chance for me to do good and believe me I need to do good.. I believe doing good..is burn off bad karma. I may be whistling in the dark but this belief makes me feel better. I have written in the past that I like the staff I work with and even the parent organization regardless of their high in the sky “rah.rah” mentality. They are kind of cute. I'm not too pleased with the direction the program seems to be headed but that's not my responsibility or problem. I am a volunteer. I can leave if and when ever I want. The best part more or less is that I can set my own hours. I currently work about 12 to 13 hours a week. I work a full shift on Mondays which is eight hours and then I come in for about two hours on Tuesday. On Tuesday I come in for the beginning of the shift so I'm there by 8:30 AM which means it actually there about 7 AM. This is what I like getting up early riding public transit and being downtown is the beast awakes. The Monday shift goes fast usually in Tuesday's shift just a sneeze in time. But I finish on Tuesday I have my whole week ahead of me it doesn't get better than that.

I have been thinking maybe I should be thinking of something else to do, something else to volunteer. Seriously now I'm thinking about volunteering somewhere else is like a kid in a candy shop what can I do, what should I do, what would be fun to do. I can make choices like that. Oh, I'm not ready to give up my headphones yet at 211 but things are changing I don't like change I don't like cheesy rah rah and I don't like other folks trying to drive my volunteer bus. More about the volunteer bus to come…

Fair Fare

It is not news that I leave for my volunteer post at 211 early in the morning. It's not news that I usually stop at the Starbucks directly behind my bus stop and I count my moments at Starbucks, on these mornings, many times is the high points of my day. I enjoy the experience of being welcomed by committed the building, all the baristas seem to know me and what I want or need or will order. It's kind of fun. I learned over the years now that is difficult to carry out coffee in mygear, A backpack that I carry in front of myself. I place the coffee in one of the pockets of the backpack and I do quite well. I have rarely had problems carry my coffee from Starbucks to 211.

Yesterday morning I woke slowly almost hung over it seemed. I had only had 3 1/2 hours. So I cannot say that I was surprised when I woke up half an hour later than usual. I'm new at this time would affect my travels but I was not worried. I have almost 90 min. built into my early morning schedule which allows me to get to work way before the time I need , In fact I actually laid an extra half an hour in bed knowing I would still be able to get to work on time, Toyota cutting it close, but I would be on time and besides hell, I volunteer! Still I don't want to push my volunteer options. So, it's Tuesday so I get my venti coffee, two pumps of vanilla and whole milk. And I was out waiting for the bus even with the time differential I had only missed by regular bus. Sure enough the 201 inbound was on time but I got on the bus 7:09 AM. I was amused somewhat taken back when the driver asked to see my bus fare when I entered the vehicle. This rarely happens and that's okay. Most drivers act as a seeing my bus pass was the last thing on their minds as they strapped me in for my ride to the train station. But every once in a while there is an eager beaver or I sometimes sense comments are made during report that all drivers will look at bus passes and bus fares on specific days. I don't know? But anyway today this driver let me know if He needed to see my.fare. Now consider a use power chair for mobility I have a backpack rested on my feet I have a large cup of coffee in my hand and Coming board the bus and the driver wants to see my bus pass… Something has to give.You have to get rid of my coffee so I motor my chair to my usual seating area which has the regular seat folded upTo make room for my power chair. What I learned is that on most days I can wedge my cup of coffee in the foldout seat which works just fine. With my free hands I can then dive into my backpack and pull out my bus pass. I don't know what happened yesterday morning but as I was attempting to wedge my cup of coffee into the seat the top exploded in a third of the coffee escaped the Cup And went on to the floor.I was pleased the driver did not lose it on seeing the coffee I think he realized it was his demand to see my bus pass which caused the problem. Still there was some tension. We danced around the issue at the end of the ride both agree that had he been my usual driver and seeing my bus pass at the first of the month he would know that I was good all month for the bus fare and not asked see the document.

The bus driver is the boss. I wish they could be consistent either show the bus pass every time you board and not worry about is more important things to worry about than making sure the poorest of the writers have bus fare.

Eugene and Me

I briefly mentioned yesterday thatI'm in the middle of the scanning project, Scanning hundreds of images into my hard drive in an attempt to organize my computer room and get rid of a lot of the clutter which has plagued me for literally years. The project has proved most tedious. However I plan to continue the effort until I have all the images on the hard drive and organized into some kind of meaningful folders. I can across this image buried deep in one of the folders and brought up lots of old memories..

This image is of myself and a friend of mine, Eugene. We met at the Elks rehabilitation center in Boise Idaho in 1966. We both had broken our necks and were quadriplegic. Eugene was a little older than me maybe about a year. He broke his neck out on a Boy Scout project. He and I were pretty different and our disabilities be in our commonality. Our level of injury was pretty close to the same however I do think Eugene's injury may have been slightly higher than mine his level of functioning was a little less than mine. We ended up hanging out a lot pretty much by default. The only other person who went through rehab at the same time that we did lived in Seattle when he was gone he was gone. So we Ended up hanging out because there was no one else to hang with. But we were pretty much opposites For example I was a Mormon gene was a Roman Catholic I couldn't do anything and Eugene could do anything. He smoked cigarettes, drank beer and did we do to get away with it. Perhaps one of the reasons I put up with Eugene as long as I did as he was my source for tobacco and alcohol it was kind of fun to push Gene to his limits. Eugene sort of acted like a tough guy who probably wasn't BK, Bishop Kelly high school where he attended up to his accident. I don't think he ever went back following is that neck break. But in reality, it probably was because of his spinal cord injury that he pulled into himself and I really think sort of afraid of the whole world. That was a big difference between us. My parents really did not treat me all that different after my disability except that I wasn't able to work as much around the house or was given work around the house. It was pretty much the same. I was expected to continue my rehabilitation at home as well is attending school. Eugene stopped his education, treated his parents poorly in many ways viciously to the point where he basically disowned his parents a year or so after his trauma and relocated to a long-term care facility, old folks home, downtown Boise which I marveled at. Eugene got some kind of settlement of the Boy Scouts lots of money to l led to pretty much what he wanted. Eugene have his own room at Restful manner, truly that was the name of joint. As I said Eugene smoke dope whenever you get it, he was in love with the hippie lifestyle kinda fantasized about being on. Eugene was the only person I knew who had a subscription to the Berkeley Barb. I would visit Eugene once or twice a week. My mom would drop me off after school and my dad picked me up on his way home. We would watch television, order pizza, smoke cigarettes and talk about California and everything else we didn't know anything about. Many times I would just take off after my time Eugene and begin rolling home where either my dad would pick me up for somebody else would pick me up usually take home. Eugene thought I was crazy would never do anything like that that is the difference.

I cannot say Eugene and I were close, I used him as much as he used me ever used each other. As I write this document I'm surprised at how many experiences I remember way more than I thought and way more to put In one posting. It might be a fun project to put some of these thoughts down maybe some stories about some of our adventures. Anyway that's a little more poop on the image above stay tuned.

Judge Not

Friday is one of my Wellness days and usually Wellness is the only thing I have going on Fridays so I busy myself around the house washing dishes, folding clothes and messing around in my computer room. Today I worked on that image to CD project. For the last couple of weeks I have been trying to focus on scanning all the loose photographs I have kicking around my computer room onto the hard drive of the big system. Like most projects I start it seems simple but quickly becomes overwhelming. However I'm committed to the project and force myself to work on the scanning as much as I can. I hope to somehow organize these images into usable groups and burn CDs to distribute to various family members who would be interested mainly my kids.

As usual I got carried away not paying attention to the time and soon realized I had to make haste I would not catch the 12:39 PM bus. At this time of day this bus route runs once an hour so if you miss the bus You have to figure out something to do for the next 60 min. However I made haste threw on some clothes and was out the door and heading to the bus stop. As I neared State Street I heard the thrum of what sounded like rotor blades. I also noticed there was a couple sitting at the bus stop with the stroller piled with all kinds of stuff, seriously looked like belongings of a homeless couple. As I got to the corner I noticed indeed there was rotary blades chopping the air and I could just see helicopter blades spinning above the Starbucks. A chopper was sitting in the parking lot of ShopKo. I was fascinated I even considered missing my bus affected scoot around Starbucks to get myself into the ShopKo parking area check out the chopper. Alas I had to wait for lights and would not change and wouldn't you know the burden lifted off just as I was crossing the street. It's always fascinating to me to watch helicopters lift off in public areas. The chopper climbed turned and was gone heading north to University Hospital. Oh well opportunities lost. Now the couple at the bus stop for having an animated conversation are actually a female of a couple's verbal the abusing her mate are sounded like she was. Both of them were just thrown together they look like in 2013 version of the grapes of wrath. They were very young and she seemed very hostile and I just sort of backed away. There were other folks at the bus stop when one lady seem like a social worker type engaged couple or the girl to which the girl seemed immensely grateful. But I could hear was just that the young girl seemed to know something about the helicopter. I thought it was weird that this is couple had a child in the baby stroller they were paying much attention to the child. These two seem like prime candidates for D C FS, Division of Child and Family Services. Maybe I was just being critical because I have such a problem with folks who use strollers/children to geton the bus or the train take a viable space which was meant for wheelchair folks. I've grown to accept This and usually I don't have much issue with these folks, but it still irks me move. I was trying to keep distant from these two but when the bus came I was taken aback at how helpful they tried to be to me in assisting me on the vehicle. Even if I did not need the help they were going to help me. We broke the ice or should I say they broke the ice. And since I figured they had inside knowledge of the chopper I made small talk.

Well it comes out the chopper was there for them or rather for their baby and nine day old infant that has something wrong with it something so severe that when the medics at the dock in a box around the corner and saw what was going on ordered and life flight to Primary Children's Medical Center. Now, these two were just trying to get to Primary to see what's happening with their kid. I can be so judgmental and I used to be so nonjudgmental I really do need to work on myself.  

Monitoring

Its been almost a week since I put on my cardiac monitor, Electronic box a little bit larger than a pack a cigarettes that hangs off a dongle I must wear around my neck. I cannot say the past week is not been hell but I can't say I have been a hell of a lot more comfortable. But I'm trying to keep an open mind on the whole project and hopefully something good will come out of it.

As you can see the monitor hangs between my boobs—yes I know I have man boobs and that's okay with me I got used to them in fact I kinda like the boobs but that is a entry for another time. I held off putting the monitor on till last Saturday. I really didn't want to wear it, it really intimidated me. I didn't know how it' going to live my life this thing hanging around my neck. But I decide to go with game plan and give it a shot. Dianne and I read up on the system, the monitor comes in the mail like something from Amazon.com. You have to take the monitor out of the box did the batteries in and then call the 800 number to let you guys know that you indeed have the monitor that you are getting ready to crank it up. They walk you through some initial steps to make sure you're broadcasting and that that. You go on with your life if you can. So of course I plan to start wearing the monitor during the weekend so I did a little comfortable with the device come Monday when I headed into work/volunteering. I don't like anything hanging around my neck for a very long and I'm surprised that tolerated this device for a week now. Probably, the biggest issue I have with the monitor is trying not to rip the electrodes off my skin as I get into bed at night. I have to be careful because when I flip myself into bed I usually end up face down i.e. chest down and have to push myself up and onto my side. You see of course with the monitor this is really difficult I landed right on top of the monitor and any move I make seems to jeopardize the leeds but after a couple of days are nights I seem to be doing better the leads are staying on. The other issue is shaving in the morning.. I cannot get moisture on the monitor. So what I have done is to wrap the monitor in a plastic bag( the kind you get from the market, the real filmy plastic). So far this seems to be working however I've noticed some moisture getting into the case so I am now wrapping the monitor in the plastic bag in a towel which seems to work okay. Aside from that everything sort of the same. I wear a shirt or sweater over the monitor and no one seems to notice that's okay by me. It's cool now so I wrap my hood around my body anyway so no one sees the monitor like I said it would be a big deal if they did see the monitor in fact it might be cool. I really haven't told anyone about monitor unless they happen to be on Facebook right bitched about a little bit.

I like to be naked you all know that and this monitor has really cut into my nudity. So you cant be completely naked wearing a monitor and event  if I have the monitor off as I did this morning when I showered for the first time this week, I'm still wearing patches for the leads to click into. It's like I am wearing pasties which seems a little erotic. I'm doing okay I just hope this is worth it.

I Borg

Couple weeks ago, when I was stopping smoking, I was experiencing feelings of anxiety. I don't know if the anxiety is related to the smoking or other events happening in my life such as retirement. There is also the thought that the anxiety might be related to something more nefarious or rooted in my body so I start the process of examining what could be happening in my life that might cause such anxiety. The only thing that raised its ugly head was that I had seen the cardiologist months earlier at the request of my primary medical person. You might remember from reading about the cardio cyst A few months back. Anyway, I sort of became fixated that the events of anxiety are related to the cyst. So I called the cardiologist spoke with his nurse who of course hemmed and hawed and finally said I should come in. Now you got to realize the cardiologist is ancient! Seriously this guy is old but I think he's brilliant in an old guy sort of way. He's old school, he told me to come back for year unless something similar happened and I don't think feelings of anxiety is something to him. I could tell. But anyway the nurse made the appointment for now & last week.

Sure enough Dr. Sheen looked at me like I had three heads which is even stranger two heads. The docor lookd at my file then looked at me then looked at my fileagain and asked me” what are you doing here”? I could tell he thought I was just fine and those as being a little histrionic. He looked at me like his time on this earth a short and he don't need boobs like mw take enough but little precious time he have left. But he paid attention to what I said and especially to what Dianne said Then To pacify me Ordered a CT scan of my heart and then as if to punish me he also ordered that I wear a heart monitor for a month. Who has to wear a heart monitor for a month! A couple days I could see, maybe even a week but sucking month! I mean really I don't see how I could wear the monitor a night time sleep. But I'm going to try to be compliant and see what comes. I think I'm okay and if I can wear the device for couple days or even month I'll get this behind me will see.

Well anyway yesterday was the CT scan. I scheduled the scan for Thursday, that is the day I don't have anything going as far as volunteer or Wellness. I scheduled for 10 o'clock just so I could make it on time and not have to get up too early. I don't know what I was expecting I mean I did this before I thought it was no big deal. But I got to Radiology and was wheeled me in to the CT machine. They took blood! I did know they're going to take blood, the tech said it was to see if my kidneys are working to flush out whatever they use for the contrast. That scared the snot out of me. Then they wanted me to transfer on this little plastic can't that would eventually be shoved inside this giant plasticdonut. I could not transfer they looked at me like I had three heads again.They finally brought in a crew to make the transfer. Then there I was laying on the plastic cot I was scared I was going to have a maximum spasm and throw me off the cot. Well luckily nothing happened oh except when they took the blood hurt like everything but then that's me being a boob. I did get the heating sensation which was weird, and was scared me big time if the tech had not explained the phenomenon to me before hand.

The images turned out great and I should hear back from a cardiologist in a day or so. The heart monitor arrived a couple days ago and so to put it on soon see what happens… I'll let you know