I slept poorly last night. I had weird ass dreams that seemed to go on forever. I had to go to the at some point in time around 3:00 in the morning and it didn't really get much back sleep after that. The dream wasn't necessarily a nightmare but it's a strange dream just the same and of course now that I'm writing about this dream I cannot remember really what the dream was about except for that it was really weird and it was one of those dreams that you know you're dreaming but you question yourself during the dream process like what you're going to do when you wake up and what I'm going to do so I never have to deal with this dream again. Of course there's no way you can wish a dream away- the dreams are going to come whether you want them to or not just like the voices. I really do not have voices for say just one voice that usually comes out of my subconscious just as I'm preparing to sleep and just says”No! But it allowed in commanded voice which always startles me and quite frankly scares me. You have to play all these weird games and think these weird thoughts before I'm able to get back to sleep. It took me a long time to even acknowledge, even to myself that these voices or voice was inside my head. Then I got to thinking about neurosis and I got to thinking about multiple personalities and that really scared me. Or just psychotic folks in general, for the first time I really think I was able to consider how they might live if just for a little while. If I have just one voice and it's very intermittent how bizarre is it to have many voices rattling on inside your head at all times day and night? I would hope I would be able to cope with such a thing but I could tell now that I would be too spaced out to cope with anything outside the voices. Right now however there acting pretty good they haven't been out for a couple months. They never come when you think you could deal with them it just come when they want to. I pray and hope that what I'm experiencing is not psychotic issues or just psychotic episodes. Maybe at this point in life I won't be characterized as crazy as much as eccentric.
It's Wednesday night tomorrow is coffee social. I raised such a stink last week about them not having any cookies or really good treats that I would do some shopping for cookies for this week's meeting. I contacted the resident social worker are they contacted me I'm told that I'd be happy to do this but they weren't too excited about it so I didn't. So tonight is the night before and I hate going to this function when there's no goodies to eat. Sometimes some of the women like to bake something for the event mostly cakes which I'm okay with cakes I like cake. They're a bit messy for a function like this but they would still be I think basically appreciated. I wouldn't mind going somewhere in the morning as soon as I got up but that would be very cold and it would be quite a trick to go that early to the market and back in time for coffee. I should have done it today but I just listened to intimidated by the cold weather in the bleak reports from the weather people. It's easy just to stay in especially with all the streaming content that's available especially what's on Netflix. I would feel better have I had a package of cookies that I could just take down and spread out if nobody else shows up without treats. Life Will Go On regardless it's just nice to have a little bit of socialization even though it's contrived..
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