Creamsicle

 
It's absolutely beautiful out there, it's a beautiful day to beautiful they shouldn't exist this early in the year! Right now the temperature indicator on my computer which I assume is registered some Internet data collection agency link to the airport or something which captures a local temperature says it's 90° outside! 90°, and is not even May yet. This is going to be a great summer maybe one the last great summers of the universe. Last week, was the bimonthly Council meeting, which a lunch is supplied to our Council members which of course all leftovers are property of staff. Leftovers this lunch consisted of rice, braised vegetables, and chicken breasts in a goopy soup that is very good. Actually, one breast is enough for lunch especially when on a bed of rice and that's what I've been having since last Tuesday's Council meeting. The challenge is how to change this combination enough to keep one's interest in finishing off the whole entrée. Since there are only three of us in the office this week and the other to refuse to leftovers for one reason or another I've got the whole ball of wax. Today for instance, I chopped up one chicken breast placed it on some rice and mixed in a can of chicken rice soup that Frank donated to my cause. I nuked it for 5 min. and it was pretty good but I still needed something. Due to the heat outside my window I felt it would be good to go to a little placed not far from our office about half a block and get some sort of ice cream confectionery, you know ice cream sandwich, Fudgsicle, Creamsicle I just feel ice cream sandwich. I was totally shocked when I got to the the rainbow market didn't have anything like that I was blown away. The weather is so nice and I had near a full charge by battery might be fun see how far I'd have to range defined ice cream on a stick or sandwich. I have a block further West of the rainbow market is the access point to a large downtown open mall and I know one place in the small, quite a ways out of my way, is a Ben and Jerry's which I know you get some excellent ice cream but it would go that far. I found a Chocolate Factory they really never knew was there but was delighted to find they did have some form of ice cream. I knew the charge for this treat would be exorbitant to the heck, order two scoops the small waffle cone headed back to work.

Now I'm sure mentioned more than once that my office as well as the downtown mall is an extreme proximity to the downtown shelter which is kinda weird when you think about it high-end upscale selling neighborhood next to the poverty-stricken Utahans . One must remember that it's hot outside 90° right this minute and I had two scoops of vanilla bean ice cream melting away making me look like mad and try not to give myself covered in white sticky goo. Across the street from the mall and passed the section a block home to the Shelter. Courses lunch time there were lines out the door were mostly men stood in line waiting for a sandwich or two the bottle water to get into the rest the day. I continue to rapidly lick my two scoops of ice cream and vanilla waffle cone and try not to look back and ice cream prayed one person.

Fortunately, for me, something is going down the shelter, something not good, my afternoon travels were briefly halted by fire engines raging down the street past my corner and down further to the shelter – – nobody was thinking about my ice cream anymore. Emergency vehicles, were followed by and by police vehicles which made the Monday lunch hour and sideshow complete. Like I said sirens are never good. Within months the local weather guy has said we are going to be in for a hot one the summer I believe them... I just have to find another way to the mall.

Hurry Up and Wait

Right now my new boss is meeting with my old who will actually stay my boss as I am outsourced to another call room—away from the State. This will work out that I am technically still with the state but not at State facility. Of course the door is closed here are pretty thin if I concentrated I could make out what they are speaking about. There is a lot of talking going on and the talk seem friendly.

It kinda sounds like they're discussing how to dismantle the program I run now, things like my website, my broadcasts, and the advisory board that I quarterly reported to. It is also what seems, a lot of talk regarding the vendors who traditionally has paid my salary. How they will stay involved with the switchover I don't know. I think my boss is also sharing with the new boss carries of reasonable accommodation she feels I might need in making the transition. A lot of the stuff I will not be able to really answer until I see the new physical layout and specifically what my area looks like.

Okay, so this is the plan as I understand it, I will be leaving this office that I have had for the last 12 years, and I will shift to a phone line in desk, cubicle, over at the local United Way Agency, United Way as everyone knows is a private nonprofit agency, but I will continue being a State employee. When my current funding exhausts itself June 30, 2012 I will be hired by the DD Council formally. I will be working as their employee training United Way operators to answer disability related questions. Currently questions regarding disability are forwarded over to my operation here with the State.

New information this afternoon, I had really expected the results of this morning's meeting to give me some clear information of how I was to be integrated in the 211 system. But as it turns out there's still nothing if it, which is kinda spooky because it really doesn't say were I'm going to go yet. However my boss did pull me aside, realize that this is probably frustrating for me, and rehearsed to me that regardless of what happens, the worst case scenario, would be be staying at this office until the second pay. February when I'm slated to enter early retirement. Which is okay with me which is what I would want anyway if I could. The boss of the phone room over at two and one has to take this new information back to her people and see if there's a way to integrate me in to their operation. Of course the big hangup is money, the new boss wasn't of the idea that I was going be bringing along a pile of money and that's just not the case. So once again there are things in the air and will just have to wait and see. I have to bit thought get a bit antsy on what's going to happen to me or rather were I'm in and up…

It Starts

Well, it had happened. The transition is beginning and it's a little spooky for me. This morning I got a new e-mail for my boss indicating that the new boss, the boss of the place I'm going to, is meeting with her possibly me and other members of the staff tomorrow to begin I transition phase away from this office I suppose to begin my transition to the new office. It's weirding my boss out, she doesn't want to see me go – but now it's really going to happen.

If I was smart, I would start dismantling my office; bring in boxes, throwing stuff away and just getting ready for the move. I'm not sure when that point will be, I suppose those items will be ironed out in tomorrow's meeting in meetings to come. I know I should be out of here this office no later than June 30, 2012. But I don't know if my boss think I'll be out before then, I do know she and other staff have been looking hungrily at my office area. That's the way it is. I wish I could tell you more but this is all I got for now stay tuned for the move.

Tax Day

Funny how we meet and develop relationships, not that I have been courting a relationship, but I'm in a relationship now that seems to have been somewhat unavoidable. As many of you constant readers know as I ride the train in the morning and half asleep, groggy barely conscious I'm lucky if I am conscious spend a lot of my time on my tablet reading or on my cell phone updating either my blog or my Facebook page. I don't know if I do it intentionally but I try not to engage as much as possible. Don't know if this makes me one sick cookie but it is how I am right now.

It's interesting this one rides the train or bus consistency seems to be important. If nothing else to get to know your driver because you see him every day, just as are other traveling mates. These folks if they get on the bus at the same spot enough you begin to look for them and even somewhat concerned if and when they don't show up at their appointed time. So it is been with Cory. Cory is a guy who would get on my bus, heading for the train, one-stop further down State Street from my stop. I noticed when I got on the bus he was often with Hispanic or Latino woman who he would try to conversation with in her native tongue. I overheard him say it was his way of trying to learn her language was somewhat ironic is that she was trying to learn English and I believe engaged in conversation with Cory for the same reason. Cory seem to be somewhat blue-collar longhair, a shade of an accident from somewhere down south – – later I learned from Ohio. I'm amazed at how many people I meet were from Ohio. Anyway, we wrote the train to Murray station 2 and he began to unfasten the wheelchair tie downs when we came into the station. His undoing of the tiedowns I thought was a nice gesture freeing up the driver who at the time has his hands full deploying the ramp to download be off the vehicle. The little thing about pre-nice thing well those things so demands you further engaging conversation with the individual. This will now for about three weeks we decided it's finally time to exchange names. Now I'm not good with names but his is actually a name that I used as a codename when I worked hotlines in Idaho in the 70s so it was easy for me to remember his name: Cory. Our conversations were still quite limited only two sentences, usually about how we spent the weekend or the day. Other bits of information gathered and is one to sentence exchanges is that he's a single-parent, the parent of a female teenager, which in my book makes it somewhat super. He actually structures as life around this teenager girl: taking vacation on her birthday to make sure he has time to be with her even after she decides she has something else in mind to do that day. Structures weekend events to be with his daughter it seems to be working. What I think is really amazing is that Craig does this without a vehicle this is all done on public transit. I was a Saturday dad non-custodial, and for a while I did the same thing on Kid day and I know how hard that was to do once a week, to try to do that everyday you drive me crazy. Today for some reason we moved to the next step. I don't know if it was because it was raining or they had missed his regular University train but I found out what he did for a living, his shipping clerk or manager for ceramic research and development production operation. I found his certified for hazmat work, he's in awe of the a heads/engineers who developed the stuff that he works on. He is a bright guy, when I should've gotten a break and on the school and really moved up. Looks like a biker, tattoos, longhair and the walk – – maybe he is that toys on the bus. What is a good guy, I can tell I just wonder where relationship goes now. Cory gets off the train at the 21st St. stop it has West out his plant. My thought that was to encounter for the day.

Two stops later, John the quad drove his power wheelchair under the train. Now John is interesting piece of work, he's a fairly high quad, relatively new to his disability and working as a teacher's aide somewhere on the east side of Salt Lake City. I've never really understood his relationship. John has some sort of a love-hate relationship with his wife. I'm sure John is a lot of maintenance, John seem somewhat fastidious, since this by the way he dresses and how he seems to see himself. Unlike my friend Cory, I have been somewhat distant with John. Oh I given them a card once or twice and engaged born morning conversation the more it seemed to run into him on the train rolling around downtown. But still we are quite a ways from that" that next step". So was a little surprised release taken aback when he looked at me and said" can I ask you something? Is getting on is getting dumped normal for disability? How do you get on with your life and your wife dumps you." So instantly, I dropped into" big brother, counselor, down the road quad" try to do a little active listing in the few minutes left on the train. John, smart enough to realize he was still sort of in shock, said he was numb, I understood this, I told him I'd been to this twice before – – John seem some what shocked, for a second, he was too involved with his own pain spend much time online or see me as an authority in his pain just yet, but I am and maybe, just maybe this is where neither be this rainy Tax Day morning when I have it all figured out with Cory.

One Hot Night in July

I know I spoken briefly in the past about my accident some 40 years ago. Today I was facebooking a person from my old neighborhood, who is a bit younger than myself. I was intrigued to read her thoughts on my accident.

It had been a hot July morning and afternoon. As spent the morning across town mowing the lawn for Mr. Svenson. I was 15 and for the most part the only jobs I ever had were traditional lawn mowing jobs. Earlier that so I close friend, Charlie A. Had gotten on a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and had used his influence to get me working there as well. In fact, I have worked my first shift Friday night and I just changed from my cutoffs T-shirt to my whites, whites for cooking fried chicken. Like to call my “hospital whites”.

The summer had been typical for Boise Idaho: after a short wet spring hot weather moved in stayed. That summer I got to know Charles A much better, sleeping over at his house, actually his treehouse to three nights a week or as many nights as I could get away with, I still lived on the farm and had my host of chores and other jobs. Charlie, could be all serious, but he got me the job at KFC and I felt I was on my way.

That hot summer afternoon I rushed home from a long job on my brothers 80 CC Yamaha motorcycle. My older brother was out of the state spent in the summer my even older brother in North Carolina. I had a small 55 CC Yamaha was just not as much fun as my brothers 80. My brother of course had taken the key to the motorcycle with him, but I figured out how to turn the ignition with a metal fingernail file. At home I changed into my whites. Of interest, I love to mow in my bare feet therefore my feet were green as green as the Hulk's but I did not think much about agreeing feet as I headed off to work. 4 miles in about 15 min. later I was struck by a vehicle breaking my neck and change my life. I did not make my shift that night, my second night on the job as the new fry cook at the local KFC.

What's interesting is I found the friend I was I was writing on Facebook sister actually worked at the KFC. She knew me and knew I was starting I really didn't know her. She was significantly older than me. She says she was devastated at my accident. You know I've always thought about the accident in terms of how it affected my life, very rarely have I thought of how my accident affected others. In this case KFC was short one fry cook that long hot night in July.

Spring showers for the ride home.

Waiting for the Bus

In my daily life I use two wheelchairs one wheelchair is a manual chair that I use in and around the house most of the time. I use this manual chair at the end of the day transferring from my power chair to the manual chair where I can get close to the toilet then to my bed to transfer in and out. The same in the morning I rise, I transfer to my manual chair and go to the bathroom transferring to the shower shower day earlier the sink shave, brush my teeth and do my regular ADLs then I get dressed transferring to my power chair to go to work and spend the rest of my day. So, with the advent of my use of power chairs I have used my manual chair relatively little. Still, the chair is received its share of wear and tear and I'll have the chair 12 to 13 years, getting the chair soon after I went to work with the State.

I don't know if it's me or what, but in the last three or four years the manual wheelchair just has not been easy to use. The brakes have worn out and I have replaced the back of the chair once. Trouble I'm having now is that I seem to be sliding out of my chair is kinda freaking me out. So, as I come to the end of my State service and health coverage, we have felt that this important it we consider getting another manual wheelchair, to that end, I have set up a real chair evaluation for yesterday afternoon at the University hospital. The only problem was that they wanted me to have the manual chair with me during this evaluation – – which I sort of figured it's bringing my chair in plus my power chair means that I would most likely have to saddle up in the van and I do not want to drive any more than I have to. So I had made the appointment to have my evaluation done yesterday afternoon at two o'clock, I figured with all the transit for my office to the University and back, and not knowing just how long the evaluation to take I took the whole afternoon off his medical. So I was somewhat disappointed when I got the call from my durable medical agent indicating we had to cancel since I would not have my manual chair with me. So we reschedule for the next week when I would have the manual chair are make sure the manager was there at the hospital for the evaluation I have to admit I was somewhat disappointed because I was looking forward to taking the afternoon off. Now there is no reason to so I decided to stay at the office Mark after a lunch.

Little did I know this one hour lunch would stretch into two hours. I jumped the train with the idea of getting off at 1300 E. second South, where I know there are some interesting places to eat. I just spaced the information that the train doesn't stop anywhere close to that area. I backtracked commute from Stadium parking lot 1300 E. and when a couple streets to second South and found a hamburger joint that looked good – – the burger was okay, not world class, not tasty but just okay. I was anxious to get back to work so I rolled over the bus stop, on second South, waited for the bus. I was not at the bus stop 5 minutes when psychotic homeless guy wanders up to the bus stop and begins ranting and raving primarily about Asians in Utah now they are wrecking the state(this is highly cleaned up the individual was foul, vulgar and obviously crazy). I wished I had taken an image of this individual, I can't describe it would do in fairness but he was obviously mental health material and needed some help. I was tired and backed away from the individual seem more of a threat than an ally. This is why I was totally surprised when the bus, I've been waiting for, did arrive in the driver opened the door and apologized indicating was wheelchair tie downs were taken – – there is no room in the Inn. I would have to wait for the next vehicle, which he said would be about 10 min. I could do was wait swallowing bile and wait. Then to my surprise the psychotic racist start ranting about how I had to get on the bus, I had to get on the bus before, for anybody else. I try to assure this traveler that it was okay I could wait 10 min. for the next bus I just continue to get more and more agitated. Finally I backed away all the way and he seemed to forget me instantly wandered onto the bus and was gone. I wondered if somehow these actions had somehow save my life, what if psychotic little guy pulled a gun stopped the bus rolling permanently?

My bus finally came, the right bus, blessedly the bus was almost empty. I got him at my office and sat back and thought about the incident. That's the last thing I thought would happen from the psychotic traveler was him standing up for my perceived by rights. Just goes to show you don't judge the nuts of the bottle.

Just Show UP--What I Do

I handle stress in my life by continuing to do the things of everyday life, the things I do everyday. I wake up, get up do my ADL's eat something get ready for work then head out the door. Its what I do and I usually do this pretty early. I just keep showing up to where I perceive I am supposed to be.

Following my accident it was returning to school not like I had an alternative but seemed everyone else thought I did have an alternative and I chose to return to my education. People would tell me how strong or brave I was which was always confusing. I just kept showing up for breakfast, lunch and dinner and life kinda of just filled in the space between the meals.

When I interviewed for my job at the independent living center. I came down from Blackfoot Idaho. The night before my interview an early Winter storm buried Salt Lake in 8-12 inches of snow bring the city to a stand still. The Center put me up at local hotel and I saw the morning news and heard about the snow but shrugged my shoulders and headed for my interview: its where I was supposed to be. I Was the only candidate to show up and the only staff member was my new boss, Maurice. I got the job. I never gave it a thought of not showing up because snow had fallen during the night.

Later at this job, I was closely involved with someone who embezzled a hunk of dough from the office I worked, this person always was working sat the same office. I continued to show up even though my showing up was extremely uncomfortable for me and those with whom I worked. I did not know what else to do.

Now, this last thing, the demise of my State position. The prospect not only of loosing my job but all the “sick” leave I have complied in the 12-13 years I have labored for the State—just showing up to answer phones. My “sick” leave is over 500 hours which if used correctly could help me make the critical bridge from work to Social Security which is going to be a couple years if I retire at 62, next February. Then there is the whole thing of competing for another job, being 61 years of age and starting over. I have been made the recipient of a couple of daily job dumps to my email account, Dianne tuned up my resume to where it ( I ) looks very sharp. But yesterday I found out that my boss has found a way to keep me on the payroll until my 62 birthday when I will be eligible for early retirement!! This is grand news but not yet a done deal, loose ends need to be tied, agreements need to be made and hand offs completed but at this time confidence is high for an acceptable conclusion for my end of job experience. But I think it will be OK though, I think I'll transition much smoother then most thought. I had not really expected anything different—I knew if I just continued to show up things would work out

The Little Things

Years ago I first came into this area, I came in this area to work at the local independent living center. The I L was a small organization in just about four people on the staff. We were pretty nimble as an organization, a private nonprofit which that we could do just about anything that we want to do. Of course from the first things I did was I came on staff was to set up an agency newsletter, a newsletter that would go out to not only consumers of the agency but to other private nonprofits state agencies serve folks disabilities as well. You know a folksy publication highlighting the agency, programs of the agency and some of the other things going on the community for folks with disabilities that you all serve. It's funny how often one sets something like a newsletter in motion it tends to take on a life of its own. Now been separated from the independent living center for over a decade now I'm more surprised at how strong the newsletter tends to be. It seems just to be run on its own course a lot of the newsletter's health and well-being is up to its current editor. Lucky for me, each editor the Wasatch Scope has had test taking great care of the document and even strengthened the document. So I was a little taken aback the other day I got Facebook message from the current editor of the Wasatch scope. What she wanted was an article for the summer edition on the demise of Access Utah Network and my thoughts about seeing the program go dark.

I of course jumped on this opportunity to pen a thousand, 1500 words on the conclusion of my job and perhaps more than that, the end of the significant disability support system in this community. Wow, this is like writing your own obituary – – maybe they'll even let me submit an image of myself. Spend 24 hours now since I agreed to to write this document am still not sure which direction to take. I am not angry, though some people think I should be, nor am I bitter. I just have to the whole thing rents course and come away with as little negative karma as possible. I'm sure the long run this is going to work out to be a positive thing in my life and a generator of positive karma. It's just get is that point that will be challenging. So, I'll write a paragraph or two of the beginning of Access Utah Network, couple paragraphs about my involvement with the program that conclude where I would like to see things go in this state in this area with disability information systems.

But I finding out is that it's the little things that are orbiting and swirling around the big things out there that bring the finest my attention that the position I currently hold will soon be gone. When they begin asking you for your obituary or how you found the last 13,14 years of your life to be in the work that you did then you begin to realize that you better get your cardboard boxes ready and you better start find out what's worth saving was worth throwing away as the sands of the our class are almost through and so are you.

That's Life

I have been sitting round the past couple of months having folks in my life work on finding me a position with in the State system so I can keep my health insurance. Two of the key players, my boss and the director of human services have been in and out of their offices the past couple weeks. So if something is being done, or has been done, I haven't heard anything about it. I'm not sure how aggressive I need to be in finding another position, on my own but this morning something clicked. I don't know if it was just an new application of testosterone but I begin sending my resume out to anybody I feel might have any power at all in hiring me.

One friend, is an individual with a disability attorney in the Atty. Gen.'s office and true he of the him self may not have any hiring capability himself but he sure knows was going on in his agency and I know he knows a lot of people. The other individual is a friend of mine from my past life in IL. He and I share similar laws same ideas and thoughts but I've lost contact with them over the past couple months or years. He's been bouncing around in various directorships within the State and I have just lost track of him. Today I did earnest search for good old wearing and found them and sure enough he is in the director's position in another State posting. We talked, we had a good conversation and I e-mailed a copy of my resume. Hopefully he'll check it out maybe, just maybe, he might be able to pull a rabbit out of his hat and find something for me to do. The more I've thought about this reconnection the more it feels right. The cell understands disability, as few other folks within State government does any he understands the bureaucracy I have a lot of faith in him or maybe I'm desperately grasping at straws.
So there you have it, I have sunk to making contact with friends and some cases old friends in hopes of finding somewhere to end up after June 30. Don't feel bad either, it's like this is what I was supposed do. Yes I know "the old buddy system". Is it fair, does it work but really it's the way things are, to you know and how well you know them. May not be fair but that's life.

I Wait and Wait and Wait

Still, nothing, I have heard nothing from anyone about what is going to happen to me in my job. All the people who have control over the situation seemed to be gone either on vacation, business meetings, are just out of communication. Little spooky as we get closer and closer to the end date. I need to be getting more proactive--and not rely solely on these folks who seem to be looking after my best interest. Nothing paranoid, but sometimes I wonder if my best interest is the same as their best interest. Anyway, the phone so been dead all day, yesterday the phones rang and rang and rang I was busy and this is good. Today I sit and wait for the phone to ring an wonder what is going to happen.

You know what's weird, is that last two days I have been on testosterone replacement therapy and I seem to be more active network. When the problems with testosterone usage is yet to be very careful on who is exposed, what is exposed to the testosterone jelly. Put we have been doing is applying the jelly smearing it on the target area, before you go to work. But this has to be done early in the morning since I leave for the office at 645 650 something like that. Since Dianne has been helping me with the application it's only fair work around her schedule and what she can or cannot do. So this morning she was pretty tired so we decided to apply the medication in the evening as opposed to the morning. The long run should all be the same the the testosterone will be absorbed by the skin and I will wreak whatever benefits testosterone therapy has to offer. It's where it is today have been somewhat ambivalent, all they and I'm wondering if is the correct results of not applying the testosterone this morning as I had the last test two mornings. I just cannot believe the testosterone's making this much difference work I'm going to have to watch this more closely.

Some Things Never Change

This just weird coming back to the office after being gone for such a long time.  This has been a day  of many phone calls, return calls and just plain ketchup.  I'm feeling okay all things being equal my butt feels little sore but I guess that's to be expected.  Of course, how I was gone we went through pay.  And I wasn't able to submit my timesheets, this morning I try to first thing, and I did it wrong it seems to be the usual thing for me.  Now the timesheets are locked and or have addicted to time been able to go in edit them.  The boss is out of town and is trying to manage this whole thing long-distance from Arizona and again I'm caught in the crossfire.  It's great to be back.

Slowly, Back to the World

March 29th Thursday

I am again University of Utah , for a follow up of the medical valuation I had last to Thursday, I've been down now for nearly a week. Really anxious to get back up into rhythm of my life. I think I'm okay but my doc well have to check out my butt, so I get back to work. Seriously, I'm just too healthy I don't think I'm going to be able to swing a medical disability at this point in time. I guess I should be happy about that but it also means having to deal with trying to find employment the last past July 1. perhaps I'm being late night but I think I can do it I can do some work for me interstate system so keep me in benefits up until next February.

I finished the follow up with more scripts and orders for more down time and she gave me samples for testosterone therapy which I have been avoiding but now I will try it/to see how well the testosterone will heal my butt. If the process is not too traumatic and if the gunk is helpful maybe I’ll continue the therapy. It is all still a lot of stuff to try to absorb.

March 31, 2012 --Saturday

It's Saturday morning, the wind has picked up brisk and warm before the next storm, which should be in tonight sometime. The cold of course will return with the cold front but as the weather guy says “ its spring", but I've been pretty good this week, had been down in bed waiting waiting for my body to heal. I could not do without my tablet, you just said to say how much my life revolves around electronic devices, social networking and direct entertainment from the Internet. In this morning, I started the dreaded Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT). This stuff really frightens me, the directions it come with the boiler jelly sounds really scary. I have to rub the jelly on my shoulder were nobody else will touch it let it dry, put on the T-shirt and make sure that no one touched the T-shirt until it's washed. It's really spooky how lethal is the stuff.? But this morning, I guess I was up for a challenge. I was really lucky and pleased when Dianne helped me. She donned plastic gloves and went to work smearing the stuff on my shoulders . I let the stuff dry the 3 min. called for the T-shirt that was it. Now, let's just see what happens. I'll be surprised that the change is as positive as my doc and other reports think. But I have to try it, at least, for the two weeks that the doctor wants me to to see if we can toughen the skin get me past this time skin breakdown.

So, back to work on Monday, and as they say, this is where the rubber hits the road now. I have to really start putting the press on finding another place to work in State. Supposedly, a number of folks working in the background to influence this choice, of finding a place to work. I of course want to find something I can get to easily on the bus route or on TR a XX(I almost changed that, but then I thought looked sort of cool), and the organization of the State I can deal with, I mean really I cannot see myself working for an organization that I loath. Having written that now, I have to say if the location in the building was sort of cool I would consider the place special till just after Christmas, or February. February is the first date that I can retire. I guess also I need to start dragging stuff out my office. This is going to be a job maybe I'll just throw a lot of the stuff away. I hope the next couple months pass with little pain.

Just aying Around

So, it's Tuesday of my week in bed. I have to be down until least Thursday, when I go back to the doc and see  about how well  my butt is. . There is just something not right about having to be in bed when you feel great. I wish I could to get a better outlook on this butt healing  project but it's been difficult for me to do ; I should be thankful that I am not in bed months and months on end like some of my quadriplegic friends with
decubitus sores. Still it's spring and I would like to be outside enjoying the warm weather.
I apologize for  the  lack of  posts to the blog. Between the drama at work, and the going to medical appointments , and then having to  be on bed rest I just haven't felt like writing, and in fact if not for the dictation device on my tablet I would not be posting now . I just hope I'll be able to cut and paste this post  into my blog.
Yesterday, was my c t scan. Dianne drove me  to the hospital and hung out with me while I was having the procedure done. I was scheduled to have the procedure  at 1015 in the morning which means I Had been fasting very long time.  I was hungry.
Morning traffic was uneventful, Monday morning people going back into work. university hospital also seemed to be waking up from a long  weekend. It was not a problem finding parking ,I was surprised , luckly for us, radiology seemed to be a pretty systematic operation of the hospital, the people were ready for me and I went right in for , procedure  as soon as I got there . They  grabbed a couple bodies and hucked me on the ct machine and pulled down my pants and got  the machine going,  you know the way it goes : the tech situates , your body then runs and hides behind the lead partition. Then the tech instructs you how and when to breathe by the use of the voice thing to take  deep breath hold it  then  exhale-- three minutes of  this and I was all done and it was the bodies again throwing me  back into my chair squared a way and sending me on my way.
Since Dianne had been fasting with me, we  decided to stop along the way an have breakfast.
We stopped at the Other Place restaurant.  We both enjoyed the place for some time, since we both used to work in the area of the city. the place is simply a Greek restaurant, serving breakfast all day long and have all kinds of  food to choose  both American and Greek go to choose from . All the food is good so it doesn't really matter what you choose. ' This place used to be a working man,s restaurant /university hang out /good food cheap place But Dianne  and I both noticed the prices seem to be creeping up word : to bad.
When we got home, I had messages on the phone waiting for me, one of which, was a report from chemical work, I had done on the blood pulled the other day. Surprisingly, the report was not  bad, most my levels are okay . I'm low ?on some but most should be taken care of with over the counter drugs. I just hope the CT turns out as well.

Zing A Little Here Zing A Little There…

Yesterday was my A.T Council, a group or board I have been involved with for almost 20 years now here in the Salt Lake area. A. T. Stands for assistive technology a big issue for folks with disabilities, and the folk rehab machine. The Council used to be a pretty big deal actually it was the a. T. Council and with the called M.I. or management implementation board. All the big players in the community attended folk rehab director, Spanish director, representatives from the major private nonprofit agencies and programs of service folks with disabilities were also part of that program. This or do lunch a really good lunch and I still do but the membership dwindled quite a bit over the years. Now we're just a shadow of our former selves to kind of a drag. Interesting to note though, may the players who now attend A T Council are Part of the agencies that have cut the funding my program allowing my position to disappear. I'm finding it challenging to have to see these people on a weekly if not monthly basis, as I make my rounds, to these various meetings. I see the score, I can tell they are uncomfortable, and something has to be said of knowledge situation I find myself in now. I'm intrigued that when I speak of the events of this last legislature which led to the final demise of my position how angry and self-righteous these individuals seem to be. Just curious and I'm hoping that I do not come off to pitcher in these meetings I would hate to be a pariah. Good friend of mine is a director of an assistive technology program across the valley and he attends these meetings as well as I. I texted him yesterday just so I could get a reality check on how I seemed to be coming across at this meeting. Kent indicated I seem to be okay in control of the situation, not striking out and not acting as if I am seeking vengeance. I do want to be vengeful. But I am finding I just may be harboring more anger than I anticipated and as I face a number of these players I cannot help but launch zingers here and there. It's kind of fun, probably not healthy but fun.

This Is only a Drill

Fire truck pulled into the apartment building next to my office today and sent the ladder up to the roof and then set up firemen up there who started walking round and acting all suspicious...I went out and a looked and started taking pictures and kept doing so tell the three guys in the roof started glaring at me. Then the guys packed up the engine and looked like they were leaving but actually pulled the fire engine in behind the apartment house . One of the people in our office went over and asked questions but was told “it is only a drill...” yeah, right, it was right after this the moved in closer to the building. What ever is happening its weird that norther emergency vehicles are around and the fire fighter guys have not told the residents anything or have started evacuating the building or anything---I am sure going to miss this neighborhood when I have to leave.

Hey I'm Still Here!!

The office is getting weirder and weirder there's no question about. I'm becoming invisible, more so than I usually am. I still have no concrete solution to my lack of occupation after first of June or make that July. Our ace in the hole, director of Utah human services took a much deserved week vacation after the legislature concluded. This Palmer is able to indeed pull a rabbit out of his hat, we will find out when he gets back. I suppose really there is no rush except there seem to be a lot of individuals interested in my demise.

Not that there any office barracuda fishing around but my office has been divided up and given the various staff members after leave. I'm pleased that my office the main part, will go to my buddy Frank certainly deserves a window on the West. Such really strange though is that so much that is happened that typically goes on behind closed doors, has been out in the open for all to hear and answer, I. E., The daily rundown of the battle with legislators, the status of my position relevant to those battles, and then the final demise of position altogether. Now, it's not unusual for the loss to be showing Council members and other individuals touring the office how the office is going to be remodeled and divided after I leave. It really doesn't bother me too much, as much as it bothers others in the office seem to be upset if not a light case of grieving at my disposition. For them I feel bad for me I just feel a little surreal again that whole concept of living through your death seeing those who survive will go on. I think staff I begin to wonder when I will begin boxing up my office and making motions I will be leaving. The way I see it I still have a couple months now and happen next month's. Holy cow A lot can happen in a day if the planets are aligned and luck smiles just a little.

Slippage

I'm slipping. I am slipping,I can feel I am slipping and I am having a difficult time trying to correct the slippage. I had a meeting this week I had a meeting today that I completely spaced off. I did not realize I had this meeting until I just happened to see the notification looking at my emails for something else. It was 11:00 am and I suppose I could have sprinted for buses and connections and would have been late but I would still have made the meeting, grabbed the hot lunch and then came back on the bus. I saw the time and thought of the stress of busing and decided to stay at my office. I did not even call the program director to be excused—which I always would have done but no. not today: I am slipping.

I am slipping because I am in vocational limbo. I don't know what is going to happen to me except I will no longer be here at this office or even with the State for that matter. I still sense things are happening in high places regarding my demise and I suppose that is good, if not a little intimidating. Its like why update my web site if it just going dark the end of June; should I even try to appear at information fairs since my program is vanishing: slippage. I should start thinking about boxing up my office but I just cannot box up the place until I get the final word that I have to leave.

My boss has worked long and hard trying to find a place for me to land and she has maybe almost found a place, now she is looking for funding so the program can hire at no impact to their budgets. The place is another room—that is what I do best, phone—the major issue I am having with this almost solution the agency is a private non profit not tied in to the State and what happens to my benefits with the State especially the insurance? I gotta have some form of coverage—the more the better. But I gotta have coverage. I have tried to get this information from the guys at HR, or
Retirement Systems I just cannot pin them down. I would like to think and feel I had till the last day of June but somehow I am sensing that as soon as some program or agency offers me a position I am going to be bum rushed out the front door from here. I would like stay on here as long as I can. That we'll have to see.

Tomorrow is Thursday and tomorrow is also a broadcast day—now, I have not slipped on that. I have about three to four interviews left unless I am rushed out. I like the interviews I would like to keep doing them even when I leave this office. The interviews I can do entirely on my own if I have to but the meetings. My memberships on various councils and board is another matter. I suppose I could serve on them after I am cut loose, but why—I'll have to think on that—this could all be part of the slippage.

Both Sides Now

Last week I was pleasantly surprised when I picked up my phone at my call center and I heard a familiar voice—I was not sure just exactly but I knew I knew them. In a second or two the caller identified himself as John C, my best friend from childhood. John and his older brother Tom were town to ski “the greatest snow on earth”. They had warned me they were going to come to Salt Lake to ski but I did not take their statement seriously. John has a child who now lives in the Sugar House area so the brothers have a place to crash when they come to town—but they called me and wanted to do something...with me, that very afternoon.

Since I work downtown I have any number of places to choose from for a meal suggestion but my mind went black I was so excited. I quickly did a couple of mental slaps in the face to focus and defaulted to Applebees at the downtown mall. I was to meet them at the front of the mall at 11:30 and we would take it from there. I of course had calls right up to the meeting time so I was late meeting them but I was glad to see the two brothers who had totally surprised me a decade earlier when they walked into my dads funereal service. They looked great, we did that awkward hand shake dance finally settling for the hug—a hand shake being too formal for what we had been through as children.

The brothers first came into my life (or I theirs) when I was six, We had just moved to a small farm in S.E. Boise and Jon and his brother were the only other kids in our area—My older brother, Ross and I came as a set, so we fit right in with John and Tom, even though Ross was a bit older then the rest of us he really did not have anyone else to hang with, with the ease and access of John or his brother. So by default John be came my best friend, he must be I use his name as the security name, you know when the computer asks, “Who was you best childhood friend?” Our families never did anything together we just were always together for that short span of life called childhood—we started drifting apart in the 7^th grade the great economic separator of kids. Then they both got real jobs—more financial separation and the I had the accident and that was that.

Now, as adults, we are kind of drifting back, Tom has acquired a disability which may or may not surpass mine as far as severity goes. They are both retired and have the ability to enjoy life a bit. We love to talk about the old days and talk about those folk we used to know and what are they doing now.I think we tend to tell tales about family members,especially if we happen to share the same history. We dance round the edges just barely talking about death, our ages and maybe even our deaths as inevitable. These two are concrete and a comfortable validity of my life past and present.

So, the guys called ME, they really did, will they call again next time their in town I don't know but maybe they did once why not again?

More Than Enough

In all the drama which has had be concentrated on all the wrong things I neglected inform you all and discuss the passing of our twentieth anniversary or is it our 5^th?. The last week of February was wet cold and at times snowy. It not a good tome to go out after work. Still I was very much aware this was our 5th or 20^th celebration. We were married on Leap Year, February 29^th, which comes round once every four years. I could have wanted to celebrate and least go,out for dinner and flowers and during lunch I did visit the downtown drug store and picked up a less the totally cute card. Earlier at least a week earlier I had noticed the new Leonard Cohen's latest CD Old Ideas at the Starbucks where I often seek shelter from the elements when I catch my morning bus. I had Cohen's piece earlier on NPR, when Cohen did an interview—I was taken woth the music-so dark and so rich—like fine coffee almost to dark to drink. I found some samples at Amazon and let Dianne here them and she was as impressed with his music as I but I could not tell if Leonard's music too dark for Dianne but I ran with it anyway better to have a dark collection music then show up at the anniversary empty handed.

As predicted, a storm rolled in on Wednesday night, I was a head of the storm all the way to the train station, homeward bound, as came into the Murray Central station the first punch of the storm was landing, strong winds were blowing snowflakes, emasse in horizontal direction the the ground. I turtled into my jacket as the driver opened the doors of the train and let the bridge down. I noticed that was parked and waiting for my arrival. I dashed down the switchback ramp and headed for the van the wind was freezing spiked with driven snow. I finally boarded the van and we discussed going out to celebrate the day but the elements were against—we elected to do drive thru from the “stands” on State street and went home to hide from the storm. We ate our take out and Dianne made popcorn and covered me with my TV watching blankets.

Because this year has been so tight we have had to be somewhat frugal in the gifting area. I doubt I would have gotten anything for Dianne Old Ideas had not been conveniently at Starbucks. Our evening was quiet and civilized as evenings of folks married twenty years should be. We have weathered most challenges and assaults which tend to erode and weaken relationships in this day of age. Kids, bills, catastrophic illness and bankruptcy and yet, we are still together. We ate committed tom getting by and staying together. I wish we had more money, a new van job security but we don't. We have each other and we both know that having each other is way more then enough.

POINT OF VIEW

The surreal has has upgraded or degraded ( from your POV) to comically bizarre regarding my impending employment doom. I am at the point where I am just working to produce the needed items for people who are requesting items from me which may or may-not hurt my further employment prospect after this job puffs away. Last weekend Dianne and I developed a new and improved resume which is actually beautiful, beautiful in spite of my many self defeating and non-productive behaviors through the creative experience—luckily for me Dianne just patted my head told me to shut up un less I had data or support to give and plowed on with the resume creation. Everyone I have exposed the resume to have been impressed from my current boss to the “Fixer” who emailed me back “Thanks and this is exactly what I needed”. These responses were so rewarding that I have been sending out the resume to folks all over the valley.

One of the very interesting things I have noted going through this resume thing, is how many people and memories I have forgotten. I have actually re-contacted a few I have not engaged with for two decades, mainly past employers—one said “ yeah, I do kinda remember you.” my boss and the Fixer keep working behind the scenes. I had a meeting with the local 211 call line director. She is relatively new but seemed open to hiring someone for to cover the disability question vacuum the loosing of Access Utah Network could create( namely me) if I could bring over a pot of money to cover the position—this sounds a little counter intuitive—like if I could conjure up a pot of money why would I need to migrate to 211? what I understand this maybe what the Fixer may have some input with—he maybe able to come up with some one time money which could get me passed the next year and into retirement age and retirement land. The current legislative season is nearly complete and as the season winds up powerful folk with see what funds may be hanging round after the blood letting is over. I really do not need much, I really don't, as the famous cartoon Mitt Romney says “ all we need is just enough”

Its March, snow fell yesterday and during the night, I made it to work OK, rattled my teeth a little with all the ice ruts on the streets getting to the bus stop but I made it loosing control on the but once and I was able to stop my forward motion before I slid off the curb. It cold too but not too cold. Snow has been flurring off and on all day but there are patches of blue and the sun keeps breaking through burning off the snow and giving me hope. Its March, after all, the day's hours of sunlight are longer and longer forcing the season to reconsider its grip in the area and think of moving on, twenty days to Spring nuff said.