Today was the day, today was the day I was scheduled to pick up the manual wheelchair we ordered a few weeks ago. You might recall this whole event started back in February, I think, when I will swallowed up by my manual wheelchair that I use at home. One of the cross axles broke causing the chair to implode and swallow me.( this post is written couple days after it was initially started).

Normally, I would be somewhat excited at the prospect of a new wheelchair, like a new bike or a new car or anything new but this is the case with this chair. Initially, my goal was to get a chair just like chair that imploded on me: quickie 2, folding chair. I seem to lose control of the whole operation the second method my therapist, that's physical therapist. Now I love my physical therapist, she's intense, she's focused and professional and a seating specialist. I really just want someone to sign off on a script that would let me order chair. But no I have had the whole 9 yards. Evaluation was intensive it took two hours intended discussion. I tried to make my point but it was a losing battle. My PT pushed strength of the chair, butt protectionand a lot of other stuff that only professional would push. I just wanted a functional piece of equipment that would let me get on with my life when not in my power chair. The only silver lining to this dark cloud was that by this point of my coverage year I met my deductibles and theoretically the chair not cost me anything out of pocket. I knew I would be disappointed.

I hate being right. Even the fact that the chair had been in the vendors shop almost 2 weeks before I was able to pick up because I had to meet with the seating specialist and the vendor do a final fitting. I think my PT and see my crestfallen face when I was presented the chair. I think they want to see me boiling over with excitement that was not to be. I essentially was transferred out of my chair and sat in the new chair. The chair is a solid frame quickie, it has especially back like my power chair, which I guess is okay it could help. The question is a mega cushion its huge. It must be at least 4 inches tall which will make transferring from the toilet to the chair are from the bed to the chair near impossible to say nothing of transferring from the shower to the chair. The chair itself is 2 to 4 inches longer than the chair that broke. I still haven't figured how to deal with this. Needless to say I haven't even really tried the chair yet. I think I'm still in mourning. Now get this to top everything off remember couple weeks ago and I fell down the steps at the library in my power chair? Well it's been acting weird ever since. Yesterday I finally had my appointment with the technician. Of course, the technician found major issues with the chair. I've been having problems with my controller which is what I was really worried but it seems the chair itself is broke upon which tells the chair is actually broke and of course will take time and money to repair. So I'm shagging ass everywhere trying to find a cheaper solution which all takes time and I'm sure I'll write more on that later.. So, I am off to find a loner power chair which will get me by until I can get my 6000 Z repaired.

Where t Are The Technicians?

Blog June 11, 2013

There is a conspiracy out there I can feel it, I know there is I just cannot prove it yet. Once again I am being plagued by a wheelchair cannot rely on. There seems to be an issue with my controller, the mechanism which allows a wheelchair to function. I would say controller the most port device on my wheelchair.. The controller allows me to communicate with my chair, how go, when to stop, when totilt in place and so and so on. My chair has been stopping its forward motion and switching into tilt mode at which time I must manually return chair to one of the forward speeds. Many times when I do this I travel just a few feet or yards event happens again I have to repeat the procedure. I have found if completely shut down a wheelchair and bring it back up I can then continue my trip causing great frustration and great concern and safety of myself and my chair. This problem seems to have gotten worse in the last couple of days. So much so I switched from denial mode to action mode.

Today I called my main provider and found I could not even have my chair diagnosed a week. I made an appointment thinking there's no way I can continue using this chair but I have to, it is how you get around. It seems my provider has so few technicians that this wait is not uncommon but thisuncommon to me. I even called the only other service provider for power chairs that I am aware and was shocked to find my wait will even be longer. She explained that her shop is down to onetechnician. This is uncanny. She further noted they used to have three or four technicians but they're gone now. I was think it would be an abundance of technicians, wheelchair technicians, and the Valley since a major wheelchair shop imploded. But it seems there are only two technicians serving the Salt Lake Valley. Unbelievable! So I was forced to accept week long wait. Fortunately for me that after a number of tries I was able to get my chair to sustain forward motion for my travel needs today. I have a full agenda for the rest of the week, meetings, wellness a birthday lunch with my son I cannot afford to have a chair malfunction. Even if I make it to Monday when I'm supposed to have my chair diagnosed I know this just going to be a diagnosis they will be time and great expense after the diagnosis. But what can I do?

Something or someone is taking the technicians I'm sure it is aliens. To me the answer is always aliens. Why aliens would be interested in power chair technicians is beyond me.. So here I sit on a time off not knowing when the bomb will explode or implode. I should be thankful the malfunction exhibits itself by just switching into tilt mode and not switching into uncontrollable high-speed) just as the train approaches.. But I fear something bad is going to have and I think it's going to be something like the chair stopping never go again in the middle of an intersection downtown Salt Lake.

One of the rituals that has filled my space of time left by retirement has been my involvement in the Wellness program offered by University rehab. I believe I have blogged about University rehab before and the Wellness program. Recently outpatient rehab separated from inpatient rehab at the University of Utah Hospital. University outpatient rehab is now in Sugarhouse Utah, a small community and the larger area of Salt Lake City. Sugarhouse is a cutesy area of the city which is fast becoming the new yuppie center with art houses, coffee shops and trendy apartment complexes. Sugarhouse offers great restaurants and other fine amenities to the Salt Lake area. I usually access this area at 1100 E. and 2100 S. I'm fortunate that my bus drops me off at this point and then it's just two blocks to outpatient rehab in my workout area. I've noticed that last couple of weeks since the nice weather has started back there has been a looks like a street person selling walking canes that he makes right at my bus stop.

This little guy is there every afternoon I get off the bus, runs over this stick carving away. Truly, he looks like a homeless guy trying to make a buck. I quickly categorized this fellow as a huckster, flimflam guy trying to shakedown the public. He's always there, is by close by with his inventory of sticks. I always flew past this guy as quickly as I could, making no eye contact and try not to make any other kind of contact. Friday was challenging, without going into a host of boring reasons now is just say I felt I needed to speak with someone who maybe have been having the worst day than me. I had a great deal more time than I usually have to get to my appointment when I got off the bus Friday and I really had no other place to be at that exact moment or maybe I was at the exact place to be at that moment. I roll over and just watched this fellow worker his sticks for a moment. Was definitely a carver with great skill. Use only a humble pocketknife but very sharp. The strokes are short clean and exact you knew what he was doing. He scanned the bark from the sticks Swift and clean he made it look easy like one of those guys at state fair sales kitchen equipment for fixing vegetables making it look easy but it never is once you get the product home. I work with enough would you know how hard it is for me to carve and to see him handle the knife like you did was a joy to behold. I risked and said something and he looked up his face broke into a smile that put me to rest. I don't know his name, yet but for the purpose of rest this blog I will call him John Carver.

I looked into John Carver's eyes clear, focused and sparkling. John's face is a sunburned, bearded craggy portrait of solitude focused on his work and at turning stick into a walking cane. His is clothes are not raggidy, is not a hobo, he wears a bandanna aroundhair that is not gray and most likely was once golden. Carver looks like an aging country singer truly this. Carver's quick to speak, is eyes dance to a quick smile when asked a question. Carver told me he makes these canes for anyone who wants. Carver does not put a price on his work just asking folks donate what they feel the cane is worth. Carver told me, in not so many words, that he has been homeless but is not now. Carver does not strike me a raving Christian but he definitely attributes what security in life he has to his God. Carver stated he does not worry about food nor place to live saying those things be taken care of Carver just has to take care of his fellow man. Carver told me he has to range for his sticks harvesting them where ever he can find them, backyards, riverbanks, parks and alleyways, anywhere wild things grow. He has a bike and pedals far for his product. He told me heartbreaking stories of how his bike had been stolen with his sticks and tools, we dashed into a local restaurant to use the restroom. Carver smiled when he told me almost immediately someone had replaced his bike and now he used his knife to whittle his sticks.

John told me to get handouts, that he was a veteran that he had no ID so you can collect any veterans benefits. I tried to tell him there was ways around this but gave me a look that said there's more to that story a lot more so I stopped. This guy is probably been around the block more times than me. There's more I could write about this meeting and I just might at some other time but suffice it to say I will speak with him again and maybe drop a dollar or two into his hat not because I feel sorry for him but because I admire you doing, is surviving by his wits and his skills and his ability to entertain me.

Another Scrape on the Wall

It's the end of May and once again I neglected my blog but the upside is that I have been busy very busy and I guess that's an excuse as best I can do today. I have been faithfully attending the Wellness program. I think this program is doing me some this. I was a little concerned at the beginning because I didn't think I was being challenged enough. However, my main trainer has been done on vacation for two weeks and Stephen the replacement trainer's been very good. Essentially I have been much more directed in my own exercise. Before, even though I was committed to the project, I was doing work for the trainer and not really for myself. This is changed, I now have really bought in to the idea that I'm there for myself in any work I do is for me and for some reason that makes all the difference.

Wellness is just that working to be as well as I can be. I know this sounds corny but it's true. I try to be the first one there on the afternoon workout. I am beginning to identify and feel like I'm part of a group. This is also corny but it's how you feel. I'm getting used to seeing other people with disabilities some similar to mine working out and taking control of their lives in some small way. I'm also beginning to feel that making inroads with members of the staff which is a small thing but makes me feel good. The staff: physical therapists andaids produce an interesting hierarchy of service and tension I find fascinating. The two aids I have worked with both share a goal to be more than physical therapy aides. Both of these physical therapy aides are working to enroll in physical therapy school with the end goal of Becoming physical therapists. I get the impression they really hate the role of being an a in physical therapy. I've seen them kind of being mistreated and second-classes by the other Pts. It's just interesting. The wellness program I sense is being driven by one of the PT's will call Kristen. She's young but has a doctorate in physical therapy clinics are one of the gods of the room. She's nice enough but has a real mean streak or need for control. A few days ago while working out I saw her walk past a wall that had been damaged by someone's wheelchair most likely a power chair. She became more than irritated not full-blown angry but focused on finding out who had done the damage. I'm sure it was not me but I sure have been guilty in the past of damaging walls. I watched Kristen intergate various individuals mostly aids and inquire if they know who did the damage. No one fessed up. But I could feel a thick oppression fill the room. It was not pleasant and I dialed down the speed of my chair.

Watch Your Wheel

Some days are just more physical than others. The only real item I had on my agenda today was an appointment with Standard Optical for an eye exam to get a new prescription for glasses. I made the appointment for 10 o'clock figuring I would have enough time to get dressed and get up to the corner catch my bus and get to 5300 S.

I was lucky I rolled in a few minutes before 10 o'clock. The office was all but deserted except for three employees sitting in the back of the office. Employees seemed locked some sort of bickering debate as I rolled in. The oldest male was disheveled say the least bit overweight, there was an overweight female who may have been the receptionist seemed to delight in doing the opposite of anything the male asked. The third individual somewhat younger tending towards obesity location dressed in a black suit and white shirt and skinny tie. The entire batch looked like losers from an optometry game show. However, they did stop arguing long enough to sign me in and have me fill out the information that they asked me over the phone the day before. That done it was time to get me into the exam room or more specifically the exam chair. I have to admit a cynical as I am, I am usually ready for just about anything that deals with disability. I have to admit though I was sucker punched by the fact the exam chair of course bolted to the floor did not spin their turn it was fixed in the forward position to the eye exam materials. What followed was a Marx Brothers routine and getting me out of my power chair and perched on the exam chair. The exam chair of course was slick Naugahyde and I could barely keep myself inside the chair. I really thought I was going to slide out and I was dead. It was during this time that Queen Joan entered the room, Queen Joan is the O D and she rules. Queen Joan is nice but it's definitely a step above the rabble trying to serve me in the chair. There was questionable if I was going to even be able to test right for the eye exam. Long story short I think we are able to pull it off, the eye exam but it was difficult and took true creativity.

I left Standard Optical eyes fully dilated with Windows weird black plastic sunglass things they see seniors wearing long after the senior has anything to do with the optometrist. The senior thinks it's cool. I mean you could use these devices is welding goggles the plastic is that dark and difficult to see through. But I left dilated to the bright afternoon sun. I had the time so I figure for the heck and decided to visit Murray public library during nice facility not far from the optometrist's office. I was okay crossing the road, I was okay navigating my way into the library which was much darker than the outside and it took my granny shades off. I was okay, I could see and I spent some time looking around the library. I'm quite interested in seeing how I might be able to use the library and I Legacy project. So I was interested in a row of rooms off to the side of the children's pit. Turns out this short row of officesbelong to staff. Having noted this I turned my chair to my left and then literally fell off the floor and into the children's pit!The events happened so quicklyall I can remember was “oh no!”and knowing I was going down and wondered what was going to happen to me. I am amazed at how much the human body is like a bag of cement whenever I get the floor. There I was on the floor and thank God the power chair actually rolled over me not over me but over me it didn't touch me as it went over my body. I still haven't figured this out but I'm not questioning.

Immediately one of the librarians ran out of her office and asked if I was okay, I was of course but there's no way I was getting back in my chair by myself and we ended up calling Murray fire department who dispatched three paramedics take care of the downed grandpa. I was pleased that the crowd did not form. Paramedics were great asked all right questions, held my pants on and lifted me into the chair. The chair seemed okay. I seemed okay just a little rug rash on my shoulder. I left as soon as I could. I caught the bus home kind of freaked out usually I bounce pretty good, I recover pretty good but this time I was spooked. I'm still a little spooked over how safe I am? But I am going on with my life hopefully I will get a chance to live much longer. I was glad that and this challenging day.

Gang Of 10

We are a blended family, we're a mashup family, their families large part made by adoption of one sort or another but we are a family and are coming together. We're family is now scattered all over this great country coming together for a reunion is no small feat. I frankly don't know how the other kids doing, those who live in other states must pull up the business of the cold for a week or so to make the trek, this year, to Utah. In years past the reunions have always been invoicing. We have made the trek most times for the voice he reunion but there've been a couple times we didn't make it. Car trouble are just plain poverty we didn't make. I don't I will even considered going downto Colorado or Kansas or Illinois. These guys always made the trip out to Boise and now to Salt Lake.

I'm feeling the reunion is coming together. I shlepped together a Facebook page and oddly enough people are reacting to it positively. The pages be liked and commitments are being made and Facebook. This is great for planning the event. I called my sister Leah this morning and she gave me some great ideas to consider . I've already decided, with Leah's help on a spot for the evening meal Friday night before the reunion. We still have to put together some events that well entertained younger family members hopefully will be able to put something together that will be viable, memorable and fun. Mark A has volunteered to run a sound system and I want to see if I could give him to assist in the legacy portion of the event. I must confess I feel a little bit spooked because the event seems to be coming together to easy. But, we'll just have to do the best we can; people are going to show up that's for sure if we do nothing more than sitting around tables and talk like old people that we will have a successful reunion. If we do more than just sit around and speak to each other well that's just icing on the cake. I hope the Smith family will have many more reunionsbut I don't think we will with the players that are alive now. I was remarking today to someone that I am amazed that all of us are still living. That's 10 kids all alive and relatively good health but that can't last forever. But for now we are family, we are a force to be reckoned with the our gang of 10.

Reunion 2013

I'm finding one of the joys of retirement is the misguided thought that I have nothing to do. True I did carry on for the first two months about what I was going to do with my life and what could I do to keep busy. Well that is all changed. As I believe I have mentioned I have become involved in the Wellness program because I physical therapy project that does not include a real physical therapist. The wellness program is ran by University rehab takes place in a late hours of the afternoon when there physically accessible rehab gym is open and staffed with a trainer. I did not think I was going to like the program but I have changed. I can see the Wellness is for me. I can use this time to strengthen, work on balance and even lose weight if I so desire… It's up to me. I attend the Wellness sessions three times a week for an hour. However factor in two hours of travel at least it takes the whole afternoon three days a week.

I have also become involved with the local senior center. I don't know how much I'm going to do for these people I'm receiving some weird vibrations and I don't know if it's me or them but I have to find out. I got roped into doing their Facebook I don't know just what that's going to take time wise. I have meetings with their folks tomorrow and the end of the month and we will have the see what they expect.

Then I was contacted by my brother asking me if I could help out with the family reunion is being held in Murray this year. I of course is happy no am happy to be part of this gathering. Frankly, I am pleased that Carl contacted me with this assignment I just hope I can be of service to those I love. Boy, this is mushy. My brother was kind of surprised to see how busy I had become. I was to once I started telling him everything was up to. Still bringing this reunion to fruition shouldn't be that big a deal. I doubt this reunion will be as dynamic as others we have had invoicing particularly since we had some great Parks and a great river. I don't know how many younger family members will be here. We do have a lot of younger family i.e. kids which need to has something to do. I think the old ones for seniors like me just want to sit and talk to the other family members as long as we can but that's not fair to the others so you have to be thinking on what to do on that level. I have set up a Facebook page for the reunion and I hope various family members believe messages and ideas things we can do at this family function. I myself would like to do a brief legacy project which would entail filming as many folks that would be open to telling the story and that story of the Smith family.

Don't Give Up

Don't give up on me, I am going to write again, soon I promise. Rest assured I am well and settling nicely into retirement.

Get Back On The Horse

I really wanted to post this Sunday when the event happened but life just seems to get in the way. Last summer when I was going through all those issues with the decubitus ulcer on my butt I. E. Pressure sore I sort of gave up driving. Actually, even before the decubitus I was driving less and less. I hate to drive the truth be known, but transferring to the driver seat of the van with little or no protection for my butt made driving a painful and somewhat dangerous ordeal. So after the fling in the hospital I sort of gave up driving. I use public transit so much anyway given up driving was not a major sacrifice. I get back and forth to my work and most everything else very well with public transit. I bus or train everywhere and the system works. DeeDe is always happy to drive me where I need to go when I need to get to somewhere public transit doesn't go in this usually works well to. I tend to become complacent and take the easy way out. I don't like that about myself but I'm afraid it's a truism.

About a year ago maybe shade longer, in an effort to pare down, we got rid of are more expensive cable provider went with the local city provided cable provider at much less expense. For the most part this provider has met our cable needs but we of become less and less satisfied with their service, equipment and quality of viewing. We have started trolling cable channels looking for movies. Only find one we want to watch we record the item on the cable recorder. Many of these films are saturated with commercials (which drives me crazy) but at least we can fast-forward through commercial breaks. If the video is good then I tried to find the video on red box so we can watch the whole movie without commercial breaks. I know just another step to elitism. The trouble with red box is that they just have their current selections they don't really have an inventory of older CDs. I suppose if we were tech savvy we could figure out a way to download the movies from the Internet. We have never done that and besides our television set is older and seems intimidating hook up to the Internet if indeed that is even possible. So I remembered blockbuster and they should have a number of older titles and they did. I diligently researched where the film was I wanted and found a blockbuster nearby. The daily and Sunday the transit was barely running so I figured why not? Why not just saddle up get in the van driver blockbuster and get the film. My rear end had been healed for some time DeeDe did a great job in taking care of me. I was a little intimidated at driving but figured I can do this.

The day was actually pretty nice as I drove out of the driveway and headed east and came to the address listed on the Internet. I've been here many times that something didn't seem right and it wasn't. The blockbuster was empty and I remember the blockbuster had been one of those shucked off by the Corporation last year and effort to save themselves. They circle the parking lot and decided to download anyway and at least go to the grocery store and pick up a few items. As I made a right turn into the parking area I felt the front wheel go up on the sidewalk. I had turned too sharply and before I knew it I was on the sidewalk there is a large crash from the right side of the vehicle. I could neither advance or retreat. There was an old guy walking in front of my van and this all happens he froze his face anguished and told me not to move. He told me I had driven over a stone, a large stone, a small boulder sharp pointed and had slid itself under the running board the passenger side. I can either go forward or backward without causing damage. I rock back and forth trying to free myself but he just shook his head and said I need to call my insurance agent. Who really calls their insurance agent? You want me to get out and look at the mess I created but I told them I was in a wheelchair and could not do that especially the van was situated. By this time the younger fellow strolled by looking at the vehicular carnage. And the both of them began to direct me in the best way to free my van. Damage been done the running board had been brutalized by the stone and he guided me off the rock the noise was gruesome but I did get off the stone and except for the cosmetic damage the van seems to be okay. I have not driven the van sense. But not because I was afraid to I just didn't need to. I have made the decision to continue driving. I'm basically a good driver but I need more practice so it's back on the horse and regaining control of my life.

Wellness

It seems I'm fully immersed in the Wellness Program of the University rehab program set up by University of Utah. I had my doubts going into the program since it doesn't even start are open till three o'clock in the afternoon and traditionally been well wasted physically by that time. But I said I would give it a try and I have and am indeed glad that I did.

I have had a bit of a challenge wrapping my mind and life around retirement. There is so much time to fill I was becoming worried that I would just be a set at home retiree but with the wellness program and exploring other volunteer options in my neighborhood I am finding my day quite full. I'm doing Wellness three days a week, at least, and I have been a discussion with folks at the Heritage center here in Murray and I can see if I don't watch out I might overextend myself timewise. Who would've thunk? I am also trying to cook more at the house and that to is filling my days. Trips to the market to gather fresh vegetables for dinner and take a couple hours. I'm traveling mostly by UTA and that seems to be working well. True if I chose to drive I can see I would not get any more done because of the physical expense I would spend getting into out of the van and just driving to say nothing of the risk. I will explain this further in another blog later this week. So my days are becoming full and I am pleased with that. I am also finally exploring more art options. I found a good art store on 2100 S. that's right on bus route and got some supplies and now I must push myself to draw more possibly and paint. The weather has not been ideal yet but we have had a few days of extremely nice weather in the 70s and I can see travel of the delightful once the other stabilizes.

Wellness is interesting. The program is pretty self-directed now have gotten all the preliminary physical baselines out-of-the-way. The facility just off 2100 S. 11^th East is fairly accessible by public transit. I can get there and back on a regular battery charge though sometimes I have charged for an hour after a workout. I have a trainer and that is interesting. I'm still just a few weeks into this project and I think I am a little over excited… I want to do more. If anything I feel a little frustrated in that I don't feel I am being challenged enough. I would like to be pressing more weight but the trainer says I need to pace myself. One builds muscle by actually tearing down previous muscle, interesting. So the first day I have a fairly rigorous workout using the arm machine, and the rowing machine and a couple others. I work out for an hour and that's it. The next day I go I work on just one or two of the weight machines and spend the rest of the time stretching and a lot of the stretching I can do at home which is cool. But the middle day is mostly stretching and letting the body recover. The third and final day of the week I work out is again more strenuous. The arm bike I can see and feel can be a fairly rigorous workout pumping and ever-increasing strain for eventually 30 min. at a time. I am currently pumping just 15 min. and that's okay. I know once I get to that 30 min. mark I will be quite exhausted. Still I feel I could be doing more but I will defer for the time being but my trainer says have faith in her wisdom. So I go to the workout and it is 45 min. to an hour and I'm usually out of the center by for clock and home by five if I make my corrections. So this is about the same time I was usually getting home.

The best part is I can feel I'm losing weight which is splendid. My transfers are getting better my pressure releases are better and I even think my spasticity might be coming down which is really great. I am even making more salads for the evening meals I think that is helping too. I am feeling good, not necessarily great yet but I think I could see that coming. I am even contemplating getting back into the pool and swimming at least once or twice a week. Maybe even getting my hand bike repaired back out onto the road.

I'll discuss more about the project I'm working on at the Heritage center which will and include managing a Facebook account that to seems exciting if not a little daunting.

There's Always Another Train

I don't know why I did it I know better, I know 100 times better. In fact I often make comments to the drivers of the train when I see people rushing in front of the trainin order to be sure to get on that particular train. We talked about how stupid they are, these people that take the risk, we talked about how getting rid of them bettors the overall gene pool.

So a couple weeks ago and hadn't for the train, in fact trains coming quite a ways down the track I know I can make it and I did it. I powered up to the max shot across the tracks in front of the oncoming train. Second I did that I felt the driver shake his head and think what a ass hole. I was chagrined immediately I didn't something I'd totally ridiculed others for. I was stupid. To make matters worse I happen to of been caught by one of the traxx cops walked over and gave me a stern warning. He indicated he give me a $300 fine for what I did. I looked pitiful me finally relented but you know he probably should find me should find good. That was stupid there's always another train save

Social Contract

Really, I have been trying to write this blog artist finished this update literally all week. So far this week has been the most busy week since my retirement. For the first three days I had to be out and out the door like my old schedule. Like I have been out the door like six clock to catch the bus I need to get the were going. Monday was volunteer day of course, Tuesday I started my physical eval's at University of Utah rehabilitation center at the new sugarhouse facility. Actually that was kind of fun. It's been cold this week, unnaturally cold, with rain and snow and wind. This has not been to discomforting to be out in the elements. However I am happy to be basically at home today.

A few weeks ago, I received a piece of mail from my brother, Ross who lives in my hometown Boise Idaho. Inside the letter was a photocopy of a piece of news indicating a local Boise resident had murdered his wife by strangulation. I was totally blown away to see this individual was my old buddy Bruce. Bruce and I had gone to the same elementary school, we played baseball together ended down to the same junior high. I lost contact with Bruce as I did with many at the time of my accident for my life detoured away from all those I grown up with. In the ensuing years I thought of Bruce often on but I doubt ever to the point of trying to actually making contact. I heard things through the grapevine and I would run into old friends but nothing definitive. So, until the letter I got from my brother but had no contact with Bruce in over 40 years.

So what do I do? I've been trying to wrap my brain around this incident for the past three or four weeks. I even contacted my old buddy John who I knew had been quite close to Bruce and his family. It took me three weeks to even talk to John. I didn't know how to frame the question or was even speaking about the issue appropriate. In verbalizing and thinking about this horrendous event I realized how long reaching Bruce's actions had on me. In fact his actions have had some issue on everyone who knew him. Luckily, I live in Salt Lake and Bruce lives in Boise. Even if I wanted to I would not be able to easily visit or communicate with Bruce if communicating with them is even possible. Still what is the social contract? How long does the embrace of friendship reach over the years? And what nullifies the social contract? I have joked that distance might nullify the contract are marriage might nullify the social contract of friendship. I mean I don't think my wife would be open to me packing up and driving to Boise for a weekend to see if I could visit Bruce and offer my support. What support could I be I mean really I am thinking support “hey buddy I hope everything works out, I'm thinking of you” and that's about it. It's not like I would contribute any kind of legal fund, he clearly did it, he's a murderer does that nullify everything? Boy, how much more awkward would've been if there was a question of innocence? I mean this is hardball good old Bruce could swing on something like this, since they still hang folks in Idaho. My friend John said he was done with Bruce and that was that. The conversation with John did help to some degree. I mean I start pondering the issue gets weird really fast. It's like now everybody in our class from campus school, East Junior High and those good folks who went to Boise High is sort of colors the whole class just because Bruce was part of that group. We all end up taking a little of this responsibility whether we like it or not. That's just really strange. I just can't wrap my head around it.

Taking Control

I've talked in the past about my fear of losing Independents which is natural, anyone including me, as they age is going to lose independence is a natural fact. So I feel is a person with disability I'm rather scrutinized closer than other folks without disabilities. So any time I look like I'm losing the ability to care for myself I began to get nervous real nervous. Such was the case this last week when attempting to transfer myself from my manual wheelchair to the power wheelchair something happen and before I knew it I was on the floor playing on my back looking at the ceiling.

Again in the past when I would fall out of my chair ,for one reason or another, I could actually physically pull myself back into my chair. Actually, it's more of a function of climbing back in my chair but the point is I can do it myself by myself. I can't do that anymore to fat are two week are elements of both. So I'm laying on the floor looking at the ceiling wondering what the hell am I going to do now. DD rushed into the computer room as soon as I yelled I was going down but there is nothing that could be done I was gone I was on the floor. I mentally sifted through my alternatives: call Gabe, call Mark A, call Dan the neighbor called 911. Neither of these options seemed desirable. The most logical was to call on family I. E. Gabe or Mark A. We did check to see if Dan's vehicles that is house that was a no go in unto spoke to call 911 is a something in the back of my mind that says if you call them too many times they, 911 or aging services puts you on the fast track to long-term care, nursing home. I called Mark A but he was at work and would not be off for at least an hour. Dee Dee called game got a hold of him who is able to break free from husband duties for a few minutes came over through me back in the chair easy as pie. Thank goodness for children are able to come at a moments notice and help out. We're indeed blessed and fortunate. So we are able to dodge the bullet this time but DD and I sat down, well I was already sitting down, had a hard discussion on what was to be the next step. We did it! We purchased an all electric lift, a left that should allow DeeDe to be able to pick me up off the floor, if need be, and get me back to a wheelchair of some sort. We have spoken about getting such a device numerous times over the past couple of years but have never made the next step. The trauma of the days events was about to push us out of denial. DeeDe jumped on the Internet and before you knew it had found the left which was actually shipped the next day we think. In any case it took a week for us to get our hands on the device that we have it now and it's pretty exciting. We have not tested the device yet but can already see how the left is going to help us stay in place hopefully for years to come. I've excited because the lift comes with a built-in scale, I think it accurately weighed that's pretty exciting and hopefully will motivate me to lose more weight.

I am even excited to the point that I'm willing to explore other options of assistive technology that could greatly assist me in my day-to-day living. I have always not really considered investing in these kind of devices, tools that stupid. We are at point right now where we can afford purchases that we don't often consider. I'm willing to give it a review. I deserve a break.

Morally Bankrupt?!

Remember, I volunteer at 211 on Mondays? I do this not because I'm a nice guy full of unresolved altruistic needs but really I love to have a reason to get up and get dressed and get out the door on Monday morning. This true, I am finding that I don't have something to do are go to I just don't do anything during the day. Mondays bring me back some form of routine. I'm shocked at how much routine I need this in my life. So yesterday it's Monday morning I'm up and I'm out the door. A storm front moved in during the night in the dark morning was overcast but as of yet no rain. So I get to the bus stop and headed directly into Starbucks for my weekly latte.

This morning is kind of quiet at the coffeehouse. I visit with the baristas, I get my latte to kill little time sense the inbound 201 had passed just minutes before across the street so I knew I had another 25 minutes to kill before the next bus rolled up. I rolled over to my table next to the window and fiddled with my tablet, checking Facebook, twitter and e-mail accounts. I lingered at my table by the window for about 15 minutes then headed out to the bus stop. Despite the overcast morning the temperature was agreeable as I waited for the bus. I was mindlessly facing South, looking down State Street peering for my bus when I heard the crunch. I heard a light crunch found two malicious, like a warning, I turned to the direction of the sound and saw a late model vehicle backing away from another late-model vehicle parked against the wall of a small printing and office supply shop. The vehicle was the only vehicle in the lot clearly the vehicle belonged to one of the patrons of Starbucks and had parked, purposely all the way across the shared parking lot so it would be free of any damage risk. So it is pretty ironic that this other late model vehicle back all the way from the front of Starbucks arced directly into the parked vehicle. I took all this in an instant. The vehicle backing up was not going very fast, thank goodness, and actually just The bumper but a loud enough tap that it gained my attention.

I just watched and wondered if the driver was going to get out of the vehicle and go around and look to see if any damage had been done. I sat there and remembered times that I had “ tapped” and I had to adjudicate whether I would turn the car off get the wheelchair out of the backseat transfer and and inspect for damage. I hated doing this. The driver did leave the vehicle, there is a long pause and I can sense them making the decision of to check for damage but they did not. They quietly turned and left the back of the parking. I was intrigued and I knew I had the time. The bus was not due for another seven minutes. I rolled over to the car and looked for damage. Luckily I couldn't see anything amiss. I did see some scuffing the bumper which I'm sure was the contact point of the two vehicles but really no damage I could see. However, I did take an image of the vehicle just for the fun of it.

I immediately began to ruminate over my action or lack of action. Was I supposed to come forward as a witness to this event? Should I have gone into Starbucks and try to find the owner of the vehicle and let them know what I had seen? Should I have told someone am I a total slacker because I shirked my civic responsibility? Is there an unwritten social contract of reporting accidents when the occur in your immediate vicinity? So many questions that I don't have the answer for. Clearly I flunked my good citizen test yesterday morning, waiting for the bus in the sun to rise.

Struggle

It's April and that means April showers. Already this month has brought a few very warm days with temperatures in the 70s but we have also seen much lower temperatures in fact tomorrow forecast is for snow on the valley floor and of course tomorrow being Monday is a workday. I will be out in the elements going back and forth to work in the rain and snow. That's okay, it's Spring. I don't think I've ever noticed how April is such a month of struggle. It seems the very world is struggling to pull itself out of the grasp of the frozen clutches of winter. I have never noticed how April builds off the herculean efforts of March to begin this separation process. I witness how April struggles to wrestle its self free. There was a time when I was impatient with this month, I wanted every day to be warm and dry and to be out in the month as much as I could. I would be so frustrated when the day would present itself to be cold, wet and dark and sometimes even snowy. I've grown to accept this is April, this is the way it has to be for a host of reasons. This is April's going to be cold and it's going to be wet but it's also going to be warm some days and dry and eventually beautiful more days than not. I'm at peace with this.

This is April the second month of my retirement and I am amazed at how difficult this transition is becoming. Perhaps, if I had been seeking retirement, longing for retirement, this transition would not be so difficult. But, I felt the retirement somewhat forced on me particularly physically. My body just could not tolerate continuing to work at the way I have been working. The fact that my position was no longer be funded also contributed to my decision to leave the workforce. Again, I am eternally grateful that I had a boss who went the extra mile to make sure that I had a safety net to catch my fall. I am also grateful that I had the health and the commitment to work not take off time needlessly but just when I needed to to have amassed the sick leave and vacation time I would need to bridge the gaps until I reach Social Security age. Still I am struggling. As I have noted earlier I continue to go in to my old position at 211, as a volunteer, once a week. I have enjoyed doing this, I have enjoyed staying in touch with not only my fellow workers but the feeling of occupation, being occupied one day a week not having to think what to do with my time, with myself. I've been doing some cooking, trying to do some artwork, try and do some writing but I feel I'm not doing enough. I am wasting days, I am wasting the final days of my life and that's unconscionable. I am struggling to come to grips with what to do with the days of my life. I sense that I am using my one day of work as a crutch and I will shortly have to make a decision of ceasing this behavior. I'm going to have to grow up and figure out I plan to do the rest of my life and do it.

A Man and His Dog

I am now a little more than one month into my retirement and I'm still getting my retirement legs and I'm finding retirement is a bit more challenging than I anticipated retirement would be. I find it challenging to structure my day with meaningful things to do and not waste the day or the week. I'm surprised at how quickly Friday's come along. I'm surprised at how quickly Friday's come along and I have not updated my blog. I'm surprised at how little sketching I have done. The surprises worry me know little bit. Granted I've had my hands full with minor traumas and duties. Applying for Social Security, state benefits and attending to medical needs and appointments. The collapse of my manual wheelchair notwithstanding has taken a lot of my time in trying to get this issue resolved. Not only getting our ordering a new chair but trying to get the broken chair repaired. It just seems like so much energy to get these little things done and it should be so much energy consuming. The fact that I was left with less than ideal backup options for manual wheelchair which would allow me to maintain my independent lifesp
tyle has also been frustrating and eye-opening. I'm amazed, once again, how quickly and completely I can adapt to new situations. Case in point: having the use the manual chair I had a garage for these needs. The manual chair is a solid frame and way too large for my needs but I have been getting by to the point where this kind of becoming comfortable. However on a good note I have received word that my old wheelchairhas been approved for repair, the park has been orders and hopefully the chair will be repaired by next week send. This is been most frustrating. Gratefully, the chair is under warranty and should cost little for the repair, at least to me.

In the meantime, life goes on. I have been pleased at how close have been able to stay with my work mates from my last and final employment. Yesterday we met again for a” staff meeting”. Our staff meetings are actually lunches where we discuss mainly how I am doing in my retirement. Yesterday we met at the restaurant and the Gateway Mall across the street from my old building. I was concerned that I would have enough power to get to the restaurant and back home with the power in my chair but that was not a problem. The trip into the city was uneventful, I got my coffee, caught the bus then the train with ample time for my appointment.

I noticed I got off the train at the planetarium stop at the mall. A homeless guy with the dog on a leash got off with me. Not a big deal. As I got off the platform and on to the sidewalk I hadn't gone far, and the morning sun when I heard a crash behind me. Startled I whipped around my power chair and there was the guy with the guitar, the homeless guy with his bike and my dog he was laying on the sidewalk right just been. He must've been 10 yards behind me there were a number of other homeless guys begin to crowd around. I could see the homeless guy was writhing on the concrete. I could tell immediately the individual was suffering a clonic tonic seizure. The seizure was not as violent as many I have witnessed but a seizure nonetheless and someone had to do something. I am always a bit stressed about who has responsibility and who should take the first step in the event such as this. And since no one seem to be stepping up I thought the least I could do was make the phone call to 911. Luckily, I noticed there is another person with a cell phone and ham working through the same catatonia that had seized me and he in fact was beginning to dial 911. I made eye contact and asked him are you dialing he acknowledged in the affirmative.

The morning was a bright and beautiful spring morning, still crisp from the morning temperature. I could see the seizure person mildly thrashing on the concrete. There were a number of other homeless folk helplessly wandering around the down vagrant. Some were trying to verbalize psychotically what was going on as I move forward to the individual the crowd began to dissipate. Interestingly the Samaritan with the cell phone and I tried to get closer to the victim of the seizure when suddenly his dog began to bark rabidly. I was impressed a little spooked but impressed at how well the dog guarded his master. In fact the dog so well guarded his master complications begin to arise.

Luckily as we waited for 911 response mall security begin to appear. Mall security gathered around the circle and basically scratch their heads. I was looking for something to put under the seizures head, as he was rhythmically pounding the pavement with the side of his head. As I try to get closer to the person the dog barked savagely. This was also the case with mall security as they tried to assist the seizing person. Eventually the fire engines arrived and an ambulance. The dog standoff continued until eventually one of the firemen grabbed the leash and dragged the dog to a nearby lamp post.

The man with the seizure was coming around. His mouth was caked the spittle there is blood from his mouth from where he chewed his lip. He was still way groggy but the paramedics bundled the man up and whisked him into quick response vehicle. The event was over. I made my way over to the restaurant where I met my party. I asked him if it's seen the emergency vehicles. Enough time had passed where the vehicles were now gone. However Amy indicated she had seen a dogcatcher truck. My heart broke I am sure animal control was called to take care of the noisy beast. I kind of hoped somebody would've stepped forward to take care of the pooch. In fact a couple of hippie looking types did offer just that but they're just pushed aside. No I think the black and white protector was sent to animal control hopefully to link up again with his master. I kind of doubt that though. I think the clock started for the pooch on death row.

Struggle!

What a challenge! I am really trying to maintain a positive attitude as I wandered down this bizarre rabbit hole of trying to one fix my broken chair and in 2 begin the process of acquiring a brand-new manual wheelchair that will fit me and be a joy to use. Thank goodness D D has led the battle on both fronts: chair repair and new chair acquisition. I am always amazed how people get trapped in minutia on a simple request. I just want my broken manual wheelchair repaired, as quickly as possible. I would be double pleased if the chair honors its warranty and replace the part at no charge but what's important to me right now is to have that piece of equipment fixed as quickly as possible. I just called National Seating and Mobility to see how the progress of the chair repair was going and of course silly Sarah seems to delight in letting me know she is the gatekeeper of knowledge regarding my chair. Essentially nothing is being done and tell a decision by Sunrise Medical renders a decision of whether or not to honor the warranty they've already indicated they would. In the meantime I am having to hobble around in a solid frame para-chair. Again, thanks to my beautiful wife, we have made the chair a bit more usable by raising the front end by one notch while lowering front-end making transfers a bit easier both to be onto and off of the commode and out of bed in the mornings. Of course by raising the foot pedal I change my whole reality just a little and that little makes all the difference. I was noticing this morning while trying to get dressed how difficult this one adjustment made in the “ standing” to pull my pants up. I was able to achieve the task but was more difficult. We had to raise the foot bar because the flooring the front and of the wheelchair made me gouge the floors and made even the smallest transition from one level to the next a major challenge. So now the floors are safe and I'm under my own power once again.

Of interest to note when D D dropped off my broken chair they send with her a solid frame, 18 inch wide, chair for me to use. When I saw this yesterday afternoon after work I was hopeful but alas when transferring into the chair I found chair totally usable for my needs. Once again, I was using, the huge solid frame I got from Create a couple years ago. We call this chair the green chair even though the chairs rickety and somewhat difficult to use, the chair is usable as gets me by. Today is Tuesday I wonder how much longer I shall have to wait. Tomorrow I am scheduled to meet with my rehab team who will fashion a letter for my MD to sign which will, hopefully push my insurance provider to allow me a new manual wheelchair. It should not be this difficult.

Thursday night I had just finished watching Grays Anatomy and and was taking in the 9:00 news when the wheelchair I was sitting in essentially imploded. I was sitting in a Quickie 2, a manual wheelchair which collapses for convenient storage. The Quickie 2 has been a wheelchair standard for people with disabilities for more than two decades. The chair is heavy duty yet lightweight and this particular chair I had more than 14 years so I guess I've got my investment out of the device.Still I felt it was just plain rude for the chair to fold the with be in it. It was weird I got the sensation of being squeezed by my chair. I couldn't figure out what was happening. When I tried to roll I found it most difficult my hips were in the spokes, literally. Dianne was sitting behind me on the sofa and could not see my chair self-destruct. It was only after I heard something dragging on chair and had Dianne look under my chair informed me that one of the crossmembers of the chair had broke and was hanging down and we had better do something quick or soon I would be dragging my ass on the floor!

Understand that my manual wheelchair is an intricate part of my life. I rely on this technology to get around inside the house specifically the manual wheelchair allows me to get close enough to the commode to transfer on and off. I also use the chair to get under the sinks of my house as well as close enough to my bed transfer on and off. And I must confess, embarrassingly so, that I really don't have a backup system. It was all Dianne`to get the in the bathroom and on the commode. Two or three years ago I purchased a piece of used equipment from a State program which refurbishes assistive technology particularly wheelchairs I got a solid frame, manual chair, but never really used it because the axles, release axles, which came with a chair were too small to deploy successfully so what we'll was always at risk of coming off whenever I pushed the chair. It was just too much bother to get the chair should—major mistake. But Dianne jumped right in found the chair in the garage, drug the chair in the house and fixed the problem by finding a quick release axle which would secure the wheel to the chair. Even though the chair worked there is still a host of challenges. The biggest challenge being the width of the solid frame. There is a very narrow path between the wall and our bed and the solid frame chair was just not wide enough. I eventually had to jump out of my chair at the bottom of the bed and drag my butt out to the top. It had taken nearly 2 1/2 hours to achieve this desperate solution.

Needless to say we spent the day Friday trying to find a solution to our problem. We thought for sure it would be no problem to find an acceptable wheelchair at one of the DM providers in town. We found one provider who actually indicated they had a 18 inch wide manual wheelchair. Of course when we got to the vendor it was indeed a 18 inch wide manual wheelchair, but it was a real “ dog” . We ended up getting a manual chair from the local I L C (Independent Living Center). I knew this chair would be a challenge at best but I was desperate. We threw the dog chair in the back of a van and at home. There was cold, snowy and depressing.

I grew even more impressed at the end of the day, transferred him to the chair and found it almost impossible to one, to stay in the chair and 2, to push the wheelchair anywhere. Dianne was able to give me in bed this morning we drive solid frame downstairs and I have been using the solid frame sense. I also spent some part of the day on the Internet in various classified pages desperately looking for a used Quickie 2, and I may have found one or two chairs which might work.

I am so thankful Dianne was able to save my butt in the man eating chair and fix my solid frame to a usable status. But I should've had a viable backup system. I am smarter than that I should have a backup system that worked. I commit the change that one way or the other.

Night Terrors

Blog March 21, 2013

Something is going on I'm not sure what is, but whatever it is it is affecting my sleep. The last couple nights I've woken at three o'clock in the morning or earlier and not been able to really get back to sleep. Last night was really weird I woke up almost totally congested. I could barely breathe out my nose. I started drinking all the water I could from the container I keep it the head of the bed. This finally kicked him particularly after a drug myself up to a sitting position. I also noted I was feeling slightly terrified. Not screaming terrified just upset enough not to be of sleep. I read an hour then eventually got back to sleep for just a little bit. I guess I'm okay today functioning on his little sleep as I have had but I just hate waiting three hours of the night open for sleep.

Well I waited there waiting for sleep I came upon but I feel maybe the problem. I think I'm feeling stress at the lack of structure to my life now. I think my brain is beginning to see how wide open retirement might be or can be. I think this is what I am feeling the stress from causing my night terrors. I am really hoping that some of the ideas I've been having may fill up this void. I also think I am missing the daily contact with people. I hate to think I am that people dependent but who knows? So I've got lots to do develop my time.

One item that I am getting excited about is reentering the Wellness Program offered by the University of Utah rehabilitation center. This was the program, you might remember, that focused on physically tuning up my body. The Wellness Program is a less expensive alternative to physical therapy. The problem I had with the wellness program was bad the program is only offered in the later hours of the afternoon usually from three to about 7 PM. While I was working I just could not see myself physically working out after a full day of work. Now however that work is a thing of the past feel more open to the program even at its late hour. Still I would much rather have my program earlier in the day. But I'm willing to try the program at the stated time and see how I do. I'm really hoping the increased physical workout well decrease the amount of spasticity I have recently been experiencing.I'm currently in a holding pattern as I am having to have my medical provider send the various prescriptions and requests needed to enter this program. Then once that information has been sent I will have three visits which will be establishing baseline information and tolerances to physical activity. Of course all of which will be attached to my insurance. Oh well I've met my deductible for this year so use it well I can.

Another item of interest will be contacting the local senior center, Heritage Center and see about becoming active in their program and seeing what I might be able to do at that center. This will take some sneaking up on but it might be fun. And lastly I still want to produce some more interview programs similar to what I did with Access Utah Network. So, I feel if I can get some of these items up and functioning maybe I will be less terrified into night.

Senior Thoughts

Finally, the temperature really feels like spring, fairly clear skies just a little wind and promise of a warm day.Dianne had Asher duty today so I had Dianne drop me off at the Sprout market—local natural food type market. Last week I made a pretty good stirfry using some vegetables Dianne picked up a couple days earlier. We both enjoy fresh vegetables and cooking fresh and after last week's dinner we sort of made a commitment to start eating better I. E. More Asian cooking. Asian cooking is not a problem for me I enjoy the process meal prep and the results and hopefully the meal is just better for us. So today I picked up fresh vegetables and nuts to use in making stirfry for tonight. I contemplated taking the bus back to my stop but the day being so nice I decided I would motor on home and window shop along the way.

The Murray heritage center is the local senior center and just happens to be on the way back sprouts market so I decided what the heck today I will check it out. Now I've been in the center before that was for work related reasons—I think I did a couple information fairs there. But I never got in the center as a senior so I figured why not see what it's all about. This was weird. I was surprised to see how busy the place was. I've noticed a number of vehicles in the parking lot and figured that since it was around 12 o'clock they would be serving lunch. They were serving or just finished in the place was crowded with doing daresay seniors. Real seniors kind that I figured would be there was just shock to see so many white haired folks in spandex,knit pants and white shoes. There were walkers and wheelchair folded in the corner and a lot of hustle and bustle. Again, I was shocked to see so many staff besides the seniors in the building. There was an information desk staffed with two volunteers who welcomed me. I picked up a monthly schedule of events and cruised the area. There is one large room filled with people playing bingo which somehow made sense. Another large room was filled with folks doing some form of crafts which also makes sense. I pass another smaller room filled with seniors sit in front of laptop computers. This was the first promising scene I had encountered. I stayed a few minutes longer then fled like a ninja. I don't know what I expected, I thought I would've found a few more folks closer to my age and not many ancients. I really feel I will be out of place or well be out of place when I return. But I do plan to return and see how place fits me and just see how I can make the place fit my needs.

I know this is a senior community center and I know there are a lot seniors who were here before me but life is change and this isn't your dads Oldsmobile any more...

Slippery Slope

Spring has finally found its way to the Wasatch front. Winter has fought the arrival of spring tooth and nail but longer days of sunlight have prevailed and the days are warming. I'm still getting my bearings regarding life in retirement. I'm enjoying the eight hours a week I spend at 211 answering phones and helping out where I can. The weather has been cold the last two weeks of February and March but now the cold weather is breaking it looks like spring is on its way. I continue to ride UTA on almost a daily basis going to doctors appointments and meetings and work. This is good, I get to keep involved which helps my self-worth. I could really see how some people have problems making the transition to a healthy retirement. So far I've been pretty lucky.

There is something happening to me however which is caused some concern. The spasms I have struggled with since my spinal cord injury seemed to be getting worse. I'm not sure of the etiology and I must find out why the spasms are so persistent and strong. The spasms seemed to peak as I go to bed at night but lately I having a more and more severity with the spasms as I travel out in the community. Yesterday, for example, I was at the local market after I had met with Mark Anthony and Jasmine. But my legs spasms got so severe I was afraid I would be thrown out of my chair right there in front of the market, where I was waiting for DeeDee to pick me up in the van. Usually, I don't think I look as distressed as I seem to be these days. Two or three people actually stopped on their way out of the market to see if there was anything they could do to assist me. I eventually elevated by chair shoved myself back in the seat but something is happening and I'm sure I'll be making another visit to my medical practitioner to see. I'm currently on a regimen of antibiotics to attack persistent bladder infection I have. We thought the medication would have an impact on the spasms but as of yet the spasms persist and I am hypervigilant, watching to make sure I am not thrown out of my chair especially in public. I mean Friday I made it to my meeting with DDS Advisory Board. I was late missing the whole meeting the least getting lunch, but while I was there again, my legs loud in front of me and I began sliding out of my chair. Luckily Paul was not too freaked out and was able to assist me in climbing back into the chair. DEE D EE thinks it may be calcium deficiency or some other vitamin deficiency. Would that be the case I would be so pleased. Will have to keep an eye on my spasms in my chair. I kind of think it has something to do with the cushion and the way the padding in the cushion is pushed to the back and forces my whole body forward on the cushion and I tend to slide out of the chair. There's something about my foot pedals as well and the way my foot tends to slide off, my right foot, the foot platform. So I don't know if this is a trip into rehab or into magic rest are whoever is my provider now. Either way it's just more weird stuff as part of this transition.

Yesterday I was fortunate to spend time with Mark Anthony and Jasmine. Mark made special time to visit with me in trying to assist me in getting a new cell phone. It's time I'm well past the point where I'm eligible for new cell device. Looks like I'm going to go with the Casio commander, which is a special tough cell phone, a smart phone! Not sure how I will deal with this, a smart phone but should be fun and hopefully, reckoned to large a bill. Will watch it closely and see how the transition goes. I really do think I well like the 3G capability. More importantly I think I will like the spring – – temperatures in the 60s by Friday.

 Ross and me from  long ago...

I received a letter this week from my brother Ross, my older brother Ross, who is a bit of a Luddite and I mean that in the best sense of the word. He just has no use for things of the 21st-century. So I was a bit perplexed when I got this letter, Rosset even sent a birthday card earlier this month and knowing are hard it is for me to send a birthday greeting I know it was majorly more difficult for Ross but he didn't I got my birthday card on time with money inside. I opened the letter with some trepidation not knowing what the inside – – I could tell there was hardly anything inside just one paper folded three times. The paper was a computer printout of the screenshot of the screen of an article published by KTVB Channel 7 the BoiseNBC affiliate. The screenshot showed an image of a grizzly old guy named Bruce( last name is not important) what was important was this guy named Bruce had been arrested on suspicion of murdering his wife and what's important to me was/is I know this guy or should I say I knew this guy in a time. At this point in my life – brand-new 62 – I didn't think anything surprises me anymore, is been a long time some something took my breath away. This article did just that.

I can safely say I have not been in communication with Bruce for 40 some years, not since grade school art maybe junior high. Growing up with Bruce we' had been in many of the same grade school classes. Bruce had a set of twins for older brothers. These guys were great they were minor sports stars for the local high school and I know a couple of years they were a little league baseball coaches. They were tough to there for Bruce was tough. Bruce was someone I'd never want to fight and I never had to thank goodness, I'm sure Bruce would cleaned my clock. Bruce was part of my universe growing up, he was not a close article in my nuclear existence that he was there. I lost contact with them after junior high and my accident. With the advent of Facebook, and the Internet, averaged out and try to find him a couple times but to no avail. I'd heard rumors that Bruce had enlisted during the Vietnam War and even served in special forces which did not surprise me at all. But every search I did for Bruce dead-ended. I figured he was gone one way or the other.

So, I was blown away, when I received the mail from my brother Ross. I of course immediately went to the website identified on the screenshot and read what I could. Bruce lived in the old neighborhood not far from the house he was raised in. So, he'd been around, he had a life it seems a quiet life until one day something exploded and he did the unthinkable. Since I got the letter from my brother I have been trying to wrap my brain around what happened in Boise a couple weeks ago. I haven't talked to any of the people I know who knew him yet. I don't know how to do that just seems rude to talk about Bruce behind his back that way yet I need to know what some of these folks think. Eddie, John, Tom, Rosemary and a host of others who knew Bruce. I almost want to write Bruce a letter delivered know I support them – – but do I? I don't know him obviously not this Bruce that the Bruce of the five o'clock news. What would I say to him if I did make contact? It's obvious he killed the person in question, it's obvious he's going up the river if not worse – – Idaho still maintains capital punishment. Do I just turned my back on this person of my childhood and walk away? I feel like a jerk doing something like that. I guess that's what I want to know: for the other folks dealing with this? We have to deal with it he's part of our past – – and maybe in some way part of our future… I just want to know.

Retirement Week I

It's Saturday night, the first Saturday night of my retirement and I would like to think this week would be somewhat reflective of what my week will be like-- but this is not the case. This was a holiday week meaning I did not have to go into work on Monday, also this past week was also a transition week. The week was taken up doing activities I would normally not be doing. I was called earlier in the week by the University medical center wanting to know if I have followed through with meeting with the cardiologist about the pericardial cyst which popped up on one of the pictures of my chest way back in November. I was freaked out when this was first brought to my attention before the holidays and was freaked out again when this was brought to my attention last week. But, made the appointment and got into cardiology first the week.

On Tuesday I met with Dr. Frederick Sheen, an ancient cardiologist working at the University medical center. I had taken the train of course up to the University, the day was a good day for traveling out on the tarmac. I got in the office, got myself squared away and waited for the good doctor. As I indicated Dr. Sheen was ancient, he'd been practicing medicine since 1965 and he looked it. He looked at me strangely asking if I was at the clinic today because of dizziness, palpitations and other indicators of heart involvement. I looked shocked, shook my head that I felt quite good all things being equal. Dr. Sheen looked bewildered but continued with evaluation. Dr. Sheen like a Shaolin priest, I could tell, this guy knew everything,his movements were slow and measured, his eyes clear saw every thing. We chatted I could tell he was impressed with the fact that I have been disabled as long as he practiced medicine amazing. Again he expressed bewilderment, why was I there if I was not feeling any kind of cardiac stress or distress. I told him I think my managing doc just wanted cover the bases—he nodded understanding but he did not seem to be in agreement that I needed to be there today. The day ended with me making an appointment for an echocardiogram. I would've liked to have gotten it that very day but of course there was nothing often so I was scheduled for two o'clock the next day another trip into the city.

Thursday was much cooler than Tuesday had been, snow had fallen during the evening but was not a problem. I missed my first bus and waited a while for my bus to come and it did and I got into the hospital and in good time. I actually ordered a salad with sesame seed sticks. So it was huge with all the good things I really do need to eat like this more often.

Cardiology was busy as I rolled in but I was taken right in since I had been there just the day before, all my paperwork was done, I was directed to a room filled with equipment to measure heart function and there I waited till a young Justin showed up. I was pleased that I did not have to transfer from my chair. Now I have been aware for years that I have a pretty significant scoliosis. I really don't think about the scoliosis much except that is beginning to get in the way of some of my ADLs like putting on my pants and shoes. Well, young Justin was having a problem and left the room returning a few minutes later with another tech was always with older and more experienced. I found out then the issue of the day was the technician could not find my heart! It seems my scoliosis has gotten so severe it is pushed my cardiac sac way over to the right side of my chest. It was obvious that the technicians were having difficulties in imaging my heart. They even introduced a solution that was supposed to enhance imaging, that really didn't work. The technicians finally gave up hoping what they did capture would be enough to satisfy Dr. Sheen and in turn Dr. Rosenbluth. The important part to me was that Dr. Sheen, the ancient cardiologist, did not seem worried. In fact it's he seemed still confused why was even there. But I'm touching all the bases and touching these bases really took the whole week so it's not a real good indication of my first week into retirement. We'll see next week when a report on my second week of retirement

What To Do??

It's not a bad Sunday for the first Sunday in my retirement life—I just have not done anything productive except get up and get dressed. We were going to go out and do some shopping for groceries and other things but sort of run out of energy as we put together our chicken salad sandwiches. I'm glad we at least made the sandwiches from chicken we froze last week. Was pretty happy to use the new rocker knives Dianne ordered for me a couple weeks ago. The knives are small but I think I will enjoy food preparation with these devices.

Interesting, the more sleep I am getting the less clouded I am regarding my life in retirement. I'm beginning to think of things I might be able to do and feel excited about doing these things. Things like doing more interview shows for the Internet. I really still want to do the interviews: “the gimp on the street” interviews along that same line the interviews with notable people with disabilities. I still feel them passion with this concept people with disabilities were just living their lives successfully, quietly but remarkably. I would not necessarily do the” super crips” but would not necessarily shy away from doing that interview because the individual was a “supercrip”because oddly enough many of those I deem “ super crip” are pretty damn interesting people. So this group of interviews would be with people in my life. I was wondering if I could do this with individuals for say U D D C interviewing various individuals with developmental disabilities in Utah or develop a similar project focusing on positive closers of U S O R clients. I just don't know how I would sell this to the various people who would have the money to pay for such project. Yes, I do want to charge something for this or I want to get something out of this or project like this. This may be I can do something for trade. I was thinking possibly interviewing people for specific DME provider I. E. Magic rest medical, Peterson medical, or similar operation. The just seems to be so many places I could take this concept if I could sell the idea to the rightful. Anyway, this thinking was enough to encourage me into believing retirement may not be as bad as I might have anticipated. Still, I have not really experienced retirement per se but with it being the middle of a holiday weekend will have to see what happens come Tuesday.

The course there is the old standbys once the weather warms a little dries out I plan to get back to the garage and redevelop my hook project, or put together my best pieces of poetry and develop a book and see if I can get V S A to publish it and finally to work on my “Burros of the Apocalypse” project. So I have things I can do and I have the rest of my life to do these things if I can just keep my focus. Keeping my focus now that's what's really scary.