Lighten Up

Wow! I was talking to my therapist today, my occupational therapist Amanda. I sent Amanda my address to my blog a few days ago and then I've been waiting to find out what her reaction would be. I was really quite surprised when she reported that she had finally gotten around to reading the document and found it was really depressing. Of course, she didn't say it in exactly those terms she's much too nice for something like that but I could tell that she thought it was pretty depressing. So, I had a few extra minutes this afternoon so I went back and went through a couple of the entries for this month and found out she's absolutely right. My immediate reaction, my knee jerk reaction whoa  I had better  do a reality check, I had better try to find the sunshine, silver lining , upside to this downside, sunny side of the street excetera excetera. I don't want folks to see me as this morose rolling cloud of thunder and negativity. Then I thought so what? I am pretty depressed right now, I am more than a little upset and you know what that's okay. I'll be a little messed up if I wasn't. I just went through a year when I went to two major operations and isn't up living in a SNF but not really knowing if I'm ever going to be able to get back into my regular living scenario.

Now having written this I have to confess I do have some very positive feelings about what does New Years going to bring and I know this time I'm spending at the facility is going to end and I'm going to continue on my rehabilitation. Hopefully, the results will be positive and I will be better for the time I have spent in the facility is going to end and I'm good at continue on with my rehabilitation. Hopefully, the results will be positive and I will be better for the time I have spent under the knife  and in institutions. I seem to have an uncanny ability to bounce back. I know this I just get waylaid sometimes by my situation. I am so lucky to be surrounded by good people like my family, particularly my wife, an occupational therapist and supporting cast who seem to believe in me and their face seems to push me forward. I also have quite a following on social media it is really surprising how much their support has been for me. What a great group of folks many from my past school chums then friends have not seen in decades and probably never will see again in the flesh but they continue to support me and that does mean a lot to me corny as that sounds.

I doubt I will write all things blue skies, smiles and happiness with my posts but I will try to keep away from the darkside any more than I can and still function in this environment I find myself in at this point in life. I mean basically I like where I'm at, I like the people who are working with me to help me become stronger and better than I am at this point physically now if we could do something to help me out psychologically then I would really be writing some sunshine and rainbows.

Just Meat

I cannot believe how long I've been at the SNF and yet how much longer I have to go. As it so, I guess the lesson I have to take away from this, is that nothing belongs to me in this place is terribly corporate

So stands now I will be at the SNF for another month the whole month of February. That seems forever to me and then on top of that if things go well I will be off to the acute rehab facility whatever that's going to be for at least another 2 weeks so I still have a month and a half before I can even dream of going home to my own room to a new bed. What is really kind of spooky yes I am beginning to feel this place is my home, even though I know that's not the case I'm getting that feeling. Also strange is that even though I feel this is my home I have no control over my room. This seems to be a real ball breaker of a person at the top here at the facility that has got the CNAs terrified. They feel the rooms have to be immaculate so they are always in my room straightening up. So this might look really nice I'm always losing stuff nothing big nothing expensive are valuable its just little things like paper bags I use as well as I've lost two finger nail files, good ones. Plus everything I used to survive hour to hour day today is always put back to places I can't reach. Sure it looks neat but sure is a pain in the ass. Case in point the bag that I used to drain into. Case in point the bags and I use to drain into is always kids in somewhere out of sight usually in the bathroom. So when I come in from wherever and I need to use the bag to drain and I can't find it drives me up the wall.

So the message I take away from this is that nothing is mine in this joint and everything is terribly corporate everything has to look just right. That I am just meat, decoration, decoration for the bottom line on the tally sheet.

Just Like Peter Pan

It's a pretty great Monday as far as Mondays go. I got up in the overhead harness in the parallel bars this is a pretty big deal for me cuz its been years since I've been up in parallel bars. It's kind of too because I used to get up in the bars all the time when I lived at home when I was a kid. My dad actually built a set of parallel bars that stood beside our house for the longest time and I would go out and pull myself up in his parallel bars at least one today.

The time in the parallel bars was not really productive and it's not like I really thought that spending time in the bars would allow me to walk again but there was just something about pulling myself up in the bars and standing on my own for however short a time I could do that and actually take steps up and down the parallel bars, that felt good that felt like I was doing something I need to be doing. Somewhere along the line I heard that the human body is best functioning when do the standing up, the human body is made to stand up in the upright position anyway. But I always felt better after time in the bars. Course this was all stuff I did on my own. It's not like a rehab therapist it's got me in the parallel bars because they knew it was worthless time for me in my immediate rehabilitation.

Time moved on and so did I and once I left the house where the parallel bars existed that was that. Every once in awhile I would find something I could drag myself up with like a couple of cars Parkway close together that allow me to standing between them are even sometimes if I transferred out of my chair on to a chair and put the wheelchair in front of me I can pull myself up and feel the stretch from a good stand. There's also time when swimming in the pool the buoyancy would allow me to stand to some degree and walk in the water again to some degree. Alas I don't get the opportunity to swim that much anymore which is a dirty rotten shame cuz there's nothing better for a gimp and water and good old water therapy regardless of the form.

I have been out this rehab facility now for about 6 weeks and all that time I've looked longingly at an overhead track used to Assist somebody , in a harness color, this was brand new,beautiful and worthless sense the item was shipped with the wrong harness system. As I understand it the system is in place since March when the facility opened what a waste. & I mentioned it a couple times and I mentioned that I would be interested in using it if it was available. I did not think 1 they ever get it fixed 2 I would get to use such a system if it did work. Well, my occupational therapist car Amanda said sure we get fixed you can use it.

Last week I was blown away by news that facility and finally acquired the correct harness for the overhead system. Today we used it. I'll bet it's been 30 years sense I've really been truly up instead of parallel bars and it showed. The only had that put on tons of weight but my legs and ankles and feet just or not prepared to sustain my weight but is strictly went through the motions. In fact Amanda and team worked with me like I was really rehabbing to walk again.
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I think we used the system and the time as a justification for stretching. Whatever the reason I look forward to getting in the harness again in flying down the parallel bars just like Peter Pan, just like the old days. Like being young one more time.

Another SNF Sunday

Another SNF Sunday which means no therapy in a lot of just sitting around. It snowed during the night one of the staff members had an accident which meant me getting up late which is OK I roll with it. Not a lot of snow compared to Washington DC and Baltimore but it's enough to where it could mess up travel I suppose. It's totally weird being here inside warm and dry watching the snowfall feeling guilty because I am NOT part of the outside and having to suffer like all the able bodied people who do not have to be in a SNF today. I was so late getting up I decided to have breakfast in my room and work on the blog as well as Facebook. But once again I'm having a major issue trying to have the machine record but I have dictated, rather save but I have dictated. This is beginning to drive me crazy as well as giving me impetus to seriously consider the purchase of a newer tablet. I mean I love this tablet that I'm using, I love the Samsung but I realize the machine is ancient by computer standards. And I'm just spook that I'm just using the ancient excuse as a reason to get a new system or tablet. Every time I take it in to Best Buy they always whine about how old is tablet is and that is why it's so slow there's just such and increase and software capability since I purchased this tablet that the tablet is struggling to keep up with the new innovations in the computer world our internet world I guess. I am surprised at how much I am using this tablet now with my dictation - - actually I really have not had much choice since I do not have access to my laptop and that's by choice to a certain degree. I just want to limit the amount of stuff I have here at the facility.

Well, I shot myself in the foot I did the thing that I knew better not to do and I did it anyway. I turned on the television set or the flat screen whatever and I got caught up watching one movie after another and soon my day was eating. Went to dinner SAT by myself and that was that. Dinner was less than stellar: Monte Cristo sandwiches and macaroni salad it was not good. I choked on enough but eventually ended up taking the rest of the sandwich apart and eating the turkey and the ham but just left. Not worried about not having enough to eat I have been fed well the other meals of the day. Now I'm just feeling remorse for having wasted so much of the day of course there was the visit with Mark A and Dianne which was great. We talked a lot about mark a new job and how well he was doing  new job and how well he was doing in the job he's kind of sick right now which i think is play get him a little bit. But he seems almost passionate about the job. Dianne is very supportive and we just had a good lunch. Kristie called and mark had to leave Dianne took that as her break to leave as well. They had to get back to their lives and I understand that cuz I sure had to get back to mine, television for the rest of the day.

There was one of the high point of the day that was when the lab guy showed up and do a couple vials of blood. I thought she was going to do it I forgot what they're going to test for but it was all precipitated by the slight temperature I had last week. So that's another Sunday at the SN f.
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FNG

I have noted an entertaining phenomenon with me here at the SNF as the facility seems's to be filling up more so than I've ever seen it. Every day there seems to be new people in the lunchroom or the dining room. So all the table seem to be filling up and you have to sit with somebody you don't necessarily kknow our think you don't want to know. Just so you know I did not sleep well last night and I really was not in the mood to meet anybody new or old for that fact. A good example would have been lunch today, Dianne and I were sitting at a table having lunch when the old fart with the knee repair came by pushing his walker how much time do I do vote to the FM G ass to sit down. I really couldn't say no I made it take so much for this guy to move anywhere. So he sat down and really that was the end of day and at night discussion.

I did not sleep well last night making the last 24 hours real challenge. So I speak and pretty grumpy buy dinner. So when I finally got to the dining room idea the fast survey and found Bruce the F ng sitting alone and I figured that would be the least challenging scenario for dinner. I had heard a little bit about Bruce and most interesting is that he's actually from China or he's at living in Shanghai China and came to this place via the University and before that China where his legs gave out. I wish I understood the scenario more he just seems alone in this country. Now he is a no he is not Asian and it really must be challenging living in Shanghai with the population the 14 million with very little white folk. He seem to get by however just fine. He is scared because he does not know why his legs have given out and so far learn medical minds of Utah have not been able to figure it out either leaving him just a bit scared I don't blame him going to allow the same scenario myself.

I wish I had felt better so I could have paid better attention to the guy talking we did okay though I think we could on a lot better.. Though he does have an interest in story get could have been a lot better and there's so much left unsaid the background story the back story I'm sure is way more interesting than the front story. My question is how much time do I want to devote to this F ng. Best case scenario he's going to be here a couple weeks they're going to cure him are not and send it back to China. So if you lose her if he dies it soon have all the same to me so why even spend time getting to know him cuz he'll be out my life soon one way or the other. But I'm still the beans have told in my name and a lil bit about myself and I'm sure he'll want to know more. So straighten up , be the person you can be and get on with it FNG or what.

Super Pooper

One of the most difficult things for me to deal with in my life after stenosis has been having to deal with suppositories. And really it's not the suppositories that is difficult - - and I must admit there are some real challenges for me with the use of the suppositories- - but what I am really vexed / concerned about is just the whole concept of pooping in bed.

I mean pooping is a major issue for people with disabilities especially for the spinal cord injuries like me. And I know it probably was from the onset 49 some years ago but I just don't remember it. I have a very distant memory of possibly pooping in bed but have no distinct memory of it which is weird and you would think I would. But I do remember is that on the day , one day years and years ago when I was in high school that good old Bora High School that one day in class I feel a poop coming on and for the first time excuse myself from class went down the bathroom so how about my pants off and on the commode and did my business and even got back on my chair and got myself together and went back to class. And from that point forward I think I was using the toilet again like everybody else. I'm sure that's how it happened so I wish I had a better finite memory of that event.

So, from that event forward I was suppository free until last January when I had the operation, the first operation the removal of the first stenosis and I've been back on suppositories eversense. I think the biggest issue is that I have to have Assistance on and off the commode actually I can get on the toilet I have done it once or twice but I have a hard time getting off the toilet once on. I think also people are not used to spinal cords doing it for themselves. I have to admit also that as barbaric and gross as using a suppository is it's kind of convenient to know when you're going to go and go and have it pretty much done with. I'm also finding that I think I evacuate my bowels better when I am sitting erect and letting gravity do its job. I think I do not evacuate as good when laying down then doing it in bed. It just makes sense. I mean last night for example I dumped a pretty good load and I should have been done but maybe an hour so later I squirted out a little bit more it's really spooks me.

I just can't seem to feel like I'm finished and sometimes I feel like I am at risk all day following a night when I use a suppository. True I have to admit, I have gotten used to wearing briefs, as much as I hate to wear them I have to accept the fact that at times I need them particularly when I'm not feeling sure of myself after a night and a questionable suppository use. This experience has been so enlightening to me I understand so much more about my fellow beings who are spinal cord injured. I can't believe it's taking me so long to understand these folks and what they've had to go through that I have not. I am so lucky. I mean I've got about forty eight years without having to act like a real spinal cord injured individual. I just amaze myself?

Laundry Mystery

Today is like the third day since I had staff take my clothes to be washed, in fact I'm wearing the clothes today that I wore yesterday because I had no clean clothes to wear. Really quite fortunate in that I didn't soil pee on the clothes really yesterday so I could get away with wearing the same clothes again. & I don't find that at all in fact I think that I should do that as much as I can so I don't have to go through this stress anymore than I have to.

So I have not seen it in writing nor have I been told by administration that staff is not to do the laundry of folks who live local but I've gotten a strong impression that people who live locally should have their families their wash or something like that, so I have felt a little at ease pushing my whole agenda of clean clothes but you gotta do what you gotta do. So I am blessed with having a couple CNAs who are willing to take my clothes down to the laundry in the basement and running through the wash. It certainly helps us out a great deal however I always think or feel like I'm cheating at something.

The first couple of weeks I didn't even realize this was an issue , in fact I lost a whole stack of clothes. I am Not sure what happened Dianne firmly believes one of the nurses sent the black bag of clothes to the garbage thinking that she was sending the clothes down to the laundry , since the laundry chutes, since the laundry chute and the garbage chute are close together. This is quite painful sense I a lot of the clothes in that bag where my favorites particularly a large red oversized long sleeve tee. I love that shirt. I've never given up hope that they might show up but I doubt that really ever going to happen. I've gone down the laundry myself and they're just not that many places the clothes could be. We actually ended up buying more clothes at the savers in town which is not really all that expensive it just a pain in the butt and I still kind of feel violated.

So anyway couple days ago it was a good time to have the clothes washed the girls took them down to the laundry and usually other done on the same day. But I don't know for a bunch of reasons the laundry never got done. Its not like I am going to complain to the administration cuz for one this shouldn't be doing my laundry in the first place, into appreciate them taking the risk, & 3 I just flight clean clothes when I need them. So everybody promised they were going to do that then I guess I just keep forgetting even last night one night my night CNA , John said he would go down, when things slow down about 3 a.m. and get the clothes folding to bring him up to my dresser drawers that never happens. If you just can't complain cuz ' they are doing you a solid to begin with even, if I'm just saying it, it makes you feel good and you want to believe they're telling to you straight.

Painful as it was I brought up the fact that had my clothes gotten washed? And I always insist that I will fold in myself that's pathetic as that looks and sounds. My CNA so now that cool I've got it and sure enough before I got back to my room from dinner the clothes  my bed for me to put into my drawers.

I greatly appreciate but my friends, the CNA's do for me.. but every time the clothes go down to be washed I freaked out thinking that going to get lost again or whatever. I just have to buck up 5 more weeks that shouldn't be an issue any longer.

Short Comings and Goings

Darren is a dentist I met here at the SNF. darren is small in stature, he is here to have his replaced me rehabbed. I met him a week ago that she was cruising around trying to find a table in his wheelchair at dinner. He was pretty grizzly under a baseball cap and wearing the t-shirt. I had seen them around the facility earlier and wonder about who he was so I decide to join him at his table. I was kind of shocked to find out how easily we took up a conversation. I found Darren to be quite bright and interesting.

Darren took a medical retirement from his dental practice number of years ago, after being hit by a vehicle. I'm not quite sure the extent of what the trauma left him so I guess it was significant enough to close this practice which was going very well it seems like. He also had some sort of a smartphone like an iPhone or an iPad or something like that he showed me the dream home he was building in Montana. Montana?!! The place is beautiful in that rustic, house built of logs kind of way. I don't have a problem with a lock house as long as it has Access built into it for a person with a disability. In fact I did ask him point blank have you built access into his property but I don't think he understood what I was talking about as far as wheelchair access goes. Granted I know for knee replacement rehabilitation but still you're not going to be able body forever and this really should have been a wake up call to that fact. I'll let the issue drop for the time being and we won on the other areas. I was impressed with the images that he showed me on his smartphone. I figured he was rolling in dough maybe from this practice are from a lawsuit from the first accident or something. Only later on did I find out he's been building this house in Montana for some time and it's a one day at a time type project more so when he has the money he built on to the Project. Again I was impressed when Darren told me the House / cabin set on 60 acres of timbered land. Granted this land is in Montana and Darren made the purchase decades ago but still property is property and 60 acres is 60 acres.

We had meals together two or three times and each time we seem to have a great deal to speak about. And I have to be Frank where you it was good to have someone to visit with that wasn't an elderly person with dementia. This morning he welcomed me to his table but seemed somewhat concerned. No sooner had I got myself situated he launched into a discussion regarding a family member who is suffering from substance abuse. He informed me that he was probably going to leave rehabilitation and immediately go home to see if he can help with the issue that is household. You had some questions about support programs for people with addiction issues and I was able to direct him to 2-1-1 the local information referral line for all questions. I don't know how much this agency will help but you never know. In the course of the conversation I found out that this family member at all ready been through the YWCA program and I don't know other program she may have looked into. You seem somewhat scattered I was worried for him because if he left I would be back on my own with a bunch of seniors with various degrees of disability. I also did not envy Darren returning to home but I assumed he would do what he was going to do and I would support him on that level. He did you give me his email since I could not remember mine and I fired him off iMessage when I got back to my room after lunch so it would have my email. Later on in the day the admissions / medical coordinator stopped me in the hallway and asked me if I knew where Darren was. she asked if I knew what he had checked himself out. She wondered that because his room was totally barren Darren was gone. She needed to have him sign some paperwork .

 I hope he is okay, I think our paths were to cross for one reason or another. I hope you got one of the good operators at 211.

Happy NewYear!!

I know I should have written more I could have written more but I have not. I think truth be known I've been a little depressed can I know it's bad to be depressed but still sometimes it just happens.

I finally went are had the meeting with the neurosurgeon rather his clone the PA or NP who I came away really respecting. This guy really knew what he was talking about in a lot of ways I wish that Andy the neuro had told us let the nurse practitioner told us. In essence the practitioner indicated I was doing well the necklace healing up really well but he was not going to lift the restrictions, the weight restrictions that I've been operating under the last 3 months. In fact he went on to say that I could not go to acute care rehab for another 3 months or until March 1st. March 1st we will do another set of xrays and meet with the nurse practitioner and make plans for our next step after that. At this juncture the nurse practitioner I could not go to a cute care rehab for another 3 months or until March 1st. March 1st we will do another said of xrays and meet with the nurse practitioner and they plans for our next step after that. At this juncture the nest I could not go to a cute care rehab for another 3 months or until March 1st. March 1st we will do another said of xrays and meet with the nurse practitioner and they plans for our next step after that. On the positive side the nurse practitioner did release me to 25 pounds as opposed to 10 pounds which I suppose is a good deal. Still it's not too acute rehab which I think will be just two weeks and then hopefully, I will go home and continue with my life.

I seem to be doing well at the SNF. It's really interesting that the first month and a half I think I was doing okay really good I think my mood was fine but after the meeting with the neuro I don't know something changed - - are something is changing at the facility. I really think the facility is going to growing pains and I just got here as those changes began to take place. Before the neural visit it seems like this exercise at the SNF was kind of exciting, kind of like camping out but after the visit it's like almost a punishment or a sentence for the next 6 weeks. It could be just me but it seems like staff is treating me different more like a old fart, like one of the old farts here. I know thats perception issue but I don't like it I hate it when I'm no longer special and that is so cheap but it's Who I am. I really didn't complain the first 6 weeks because I felt I was a short timer and that means this will end soon and I'll be on my way but not so anymore now I'm in for the long haul. I'm tired of a little bad the little room and the rules that are beginning to be imposed on me like hiding the drain bag, having to cope with a shower bench that does not work or meet my needs. and a host of other things that is made this experience turn into a bit of drudgery. Perhaps one of the most annoying things which has happend has been the disappearance of a bunch of my clothes as well as getting my clothes washed. Actually, facility is not even supposed to wash your clothes but I love him pins on a couple of the workers here who wash mine weekly and I am deeply grateful. this kind of makes it worse though because they are jeopardizing themselves / jobs to do this but if they didn't I would be in a mess.

  that is just a little bit of what has happened since the last part of December. I will try catch up on some other items in the next couple of days. I hope you have more posts

Rehabilitation What A Weird Industry

 My butt wound is healing are trying to heal anyway. I'm having the lean back in my chair a lot and that's okay I guess just one more thing to show me I'm getting old. That being said I think I'm doing okay. I don't know what will happen when I go to my next rehab setting but that should be interesting. I don't think the extra time and rehabilitation is going to wear me out or anything like that this is the downtime that has the most concern for me. I am just spending hours and hours doing nothing except watching TV, reading then of course writing. I'm thankful for the time to write that's just regular stuff like letters, log, and updates on Facebook and Twitter. These are things I would probably be doing at home where I at home. Except I think I would still they heavily involved and but few meetings I still go to and wellness. I kind of miss wellness. However I have began to use the arm bike here at the center at 4:30 and that's been good for me I think. Sorry I got a little off task. The point is I'll be going to another setting for a couple more weeks so I don't know when I'll be getting home again if indeed I am to go home again.

One of the women who are here at the facility has really going out of her way to try to introduce socialization to the other patients at this facility. She has actually moved the dining room tables together until one giant table for everyone each together and talks together and I think she even has been instrumental in having the TV turned off during dinner lunch and breakfast so the machines are not blaring all the time. Actually , I think she's a bit of a busy body  but in a good way. Usually I am the only male at the table seven or eight senior ladies which is interesting particularly when I end up talking about myself. Interesting and surprising  to seewhat  the others are in for.

Rehabilitation what a weird industry

Christmas Week

I love Christmas week, that time between Christmas and New Years even in this crazy skilled nursing facility. I am kind of taking the advice of one of the people who posted to my Facebook account indicating I should treat my stay as in a posh Hotel. Well I can hardly call this a posh hotel but I certainly with a lot of stresses. Meals made for me, room made up most mornings, workout in very nice gym with good OT's in pts. .. A big ass flat screen in my room with fairly good cable connection watching AMC and other cable networks all day long when not in therapy. I know I'm not going to hear much from my neurosurgeon until way into January (it Christmas season) so I'm just hanging out trying to stay out of everybody's hair specially my family's.

I am trying to make the best of a sucky situation and I'm doing okay all things considered. I just have to deal with having to be scrutinized morning day and night even during the night. People watching exactly how much I eat and what I eat and drink and then measuring the results. I know I know it's all for my own  good but the whole medical model thing really scrapes my ass.

Butt Wound!!

I am currently laying back in my chair in order to take pressure off my butt. Last night or yesterday afternoon during my shower I was made aware that I have skin breakdown on my left buttock. Yes of course terrifying mean as it should terrify anybody with spinal cord injury who's must spend their life sitting on their ass because once your ass goes  your whole quality of life goes actually to the point you could die.

I don't know if it is the amount of physical therapy that I am doing these days that forces me to exit my chair scooting and then doing a lot of scooting on the mats or perhaps it was the days when my cushion was it my chair backwards causing stress on my buttocks either way the small breakdown has occurred and I must take action even if its going back to bed between therapy sessions. This is just another step of the process. I'm trying to minimize the issue and understand that I will heal eventually and hopefully get back to my regular life style. I however I'm also a bit worried because my spasticity are tone is beginning to return. I had thought the last operation should have taken care of that - - hopefully it's just part of the healing process all that last surgery in the spinal cord is still taking care of itself. I just hope this is the case.

I'm not sleeping well again because of a number issues I'm trying to get under control. Worry I guess that's what I'm saying worry about everything for Dianne has it so much more than me it's really affecting her physically and emotionally. I'm just feeling guilt from so many sides it is hard.

I'm still making do with this little tablet it seems to be working its brains out for me. It's difficult to write with any large amounts of writing will require great deals with editing but that's all you got its all you got. I still dread bringing in a laptop from home just because that's just one more thing I'm taking away from the house my home and I don't want to hear because it would be in this league that much more of my new home which I don't want it to be.

Dianne is checking into some more intense physical therapy joints closer to home and May be better fit my needs. It's nearly Christmas and it looks like Christmas Day I will go with the family to our favorite Asian restaurant the next week we will go to our favorite Mexican restaurant. So it feels a little faster and that helps a little.

Snow Fall

 In this rehabilitation facility ice it and it is nearly Christmas. It is odd to be in a facility like this that's such a festive time. Being here now totally exemplifies the concept of being disabled. It is really almost the last working day before the great holiday. People who have slaves hard and earned extra leave are using that leave starting today. People are saying goodbye cleaning their areas and locking their desks and leaving one by one. Actually there is a fairly large company party be going on you know the multimedia rooms in the facility. tables are laden with brightly colored gifts and there is a raffle that everyone is trying to get in on, that is everyone except consumers or patience at the care facility.

 Not working, I think I missed this season most, the parties, luncheons, private lunches then gifts in bonuses and feeling part of the holiday season from both of worker and earner standpoint,  I've gotten a few Christmas cards actually they came to the house and Dianne brought them in band a few Christmas gifts here and there even one for the facility which is kinda nice. Its cold though this is the first full day of winter from this day forward the days light will lengthen which will make me feel great as we wander towards summer.

There is a tantalizing rumor running around the facility of the hunting of the third floor here. Somehow it makes sense. It's overcast cold and its snowing. It would be great to just be home watching the snowfall.

Clean Clothes Desperation

I am questing for my clothes which I really have not seeing for a week now. I am staying still at the sniff I have been living at for the past three to four weeks actually it's probably just like 14 days but seems longer. The point is I wearing clothes I have worn for the past couple days and quite frankly it's getting a bit embarrassing.

I thought I had the problem solved earlier in the week who works in my room took my clothes down to be washed and I haven't seen them since. I have asked 2or03 people to assist in the project but seriously they are all flaked out which totally surprises me I know they are busy here that's why that's why I appreciate their involvement so much but you're the man his clothes. I've gotten conflicting reports that staff do not do washing for clients and then I hear they dont I don't know to go.

I know where the laundry is at, I also know they keep the place locked up but I am going to go down to the basement to see what I can find I am desperate

Just Aa Little Christmas Gloom

I don't know what it is, if it's the snow hemming me in or its the little old lady who runs a television all night long really loud like last night which of course that makes me druggies sludgy for the rest of the day. I asked after how the old lady crank it down a little bit they never did. A major storm came in over the night last couple days and we've been short on staff what time I get to bed at what time I get up there's also the issue of I'm getting real sore on my butt and I can't elevate enough to get the pressure off the sore and that is beginning to have an impact on me so I could be getting depressed there might be the night skilled nursing facility something in the back of my mind is warning me be careful be awake be aware skilled nursing facilities are bad, there soon to sell these are bad and I'm stuck right in the middle of one they don't know about HealthSouth what minor medical advice Poland store are tragedies what they might be able to pull out of hat but all I know because I'm not feeling too good about anything right now. Maybe I'll feel good or better about everything tomorrow. I just feel like I'm losing ground Hey and all the way you look at it. I think Dianne really believes I'm going to get back to doing transfers real transfers I just don't see how that's going to happen... But I might be wrong they need to work it out somehow to be focused totally on transfers but I don't know how to pull that off right now..

Ho Ho Ho Christmas Sucks

I truly apologize for not writing in this blog since Thanksgiving! I have a great excuse for which I will begin to unravel over the next couple of days and weeks. Succinctly the surgery was moved up 2 weeks and that really freaked me out which means that I did not update the blog like I should have. Actually, the surgery did not freak me ou as much as I thought the surgery was going to.

I did it. I rolled right up and they cut me when did I went to the wards. I was so pleased when I woke up And found I had space decent hand function. I was so afraid I was going to lose more ability send hardly any pain and fairly decent function. Granted I am now at a skilled nursing facility but that's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm having some issues but you're not quite scary the hell out of me what are sure making me wonder how I'm going to do on the other side and Harley any pain and freely decent function. Granted I am now at a skilled nursing facility but that's does bad as I thought it was going to be. I do not know how much longer I will be here I will be going to a more traditional rehabilitation setting, over at Health south.

I'm writing this post on my tablet which leaves a great deal to be desired. I'm trying to get access to a more conventional computer which will allow me to write better posts until then you're all going to have to deal with this posting device one broken down old tablet that I'm thankful as hell for.

Thanksgiving Week

It's Thanksgiving week with temperatures dropped. It feels like Thanksgiving, it feels like storms are coming, turkeys are being purchased and thawed And being kept in the fridge until Thursday morning early. Pumpkin pies will be made and relish dishes With celery sticks, carrot sticks black olives and whatever else goes on a well filled out relish tray. Dough will be mixed, raised and formed into roles on that special day. And real butter will be used. Folding tables we brought up from the basement for the kids table.

It's a short week, this holiday week, I think one of the things I miss most being retired is looking forward to holiday. Weekdays when you feel you should be at work But because of the holiday you're not. You stay up late the night before, sleep in if you don't have to cook the dinner, and just hang out with family and friends. Thanksgiving in particular is stretched itself is a holiday from Thursday to now Friday making Thanksgiving major holiday event. It's amazing how luxurious that extra day of the Holiday Can feel. Quite frankly I'm amazed how many private nonprofit businesses shut down completely on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I still sore get a feeling of the holiday week. Like today I went in to Wellness Folks were all talking about what they were going to do or where they were going to go for Thanksgiving. Since Wellness is a state government program i.e. part of the University of Utah, they will be closing early Wednesday before Thanksgiving and will not reopen again until the following Monday. So no workout on Thursday or Friday. I guess I cannot fault them for wanting holiday – – who doesn't want a holiday? Even I want holiday and I'm retired . Hopefully I will see some of these folks again on my Wednesday workout. A couple of course will be leaving or traveling on Wednesday and will not make it in. That's cool because it's not that big a deal. It's just that holiday thing that reminds me that it is a holiday week.

Seems the days are going quickly, each day in the much closer to the surgery. Surgery is slated now for December 14 which means like three weeks to the cut date. I have been dreading this whole thing particularly fearful of how the surgery will leave me. Cannot say that I am scared just concerned. However over the past couple weeks I've noticed my level of spasticity is increasing. My ability to sleep is truly impact of as well as my mobility. However not as bad as before the last surgery spasms are getting quite challenging.. I guess what I'm building up to is that in a funny way I'm looking forward to the surgery if in fact that surgery will calm my spasticity is not rid myself of it entirely. I know there will be a trade-off I hope to trade-off is not so severe that I cannot deal with that trade-off. However, if it means a better quality life than I'm all for it.

Have to admit I'm kind of excited to be in this holiday week.

My Posse

I'm just back from working out at Wellness the Sugarhouse clinic. Today was the second day this week I made the clinic since I was released to physical activity Tuesday. I have to admit that I really like going to Wellness not so much for the physical Workout but for the Association I have with a number of the folks who come to Wellness..

One of those guys is an old fart named Tony. Tony is even older than I and It looks remarkably well and good for a guy his age. I don't know what brought Tony to Wellness but he is probably been going longer than I. He could be a stroke, head injury or something but not sure but as I said he's quite a character. He's one of these guys who yammer's a lot seems to try to make time with all the girls/female physical therapist and anyone else he can engage. Sometimes he wears you out but is always, at least for me, enjoyable to talk to. His only business last summer that I got to know a little of his background. I still not all that sure but he had one time worked pretty heavily in the motion picture industry. Did something in the background keeping things straight or something. Whatever it was, he seems to know everybody in the older industry, not so much the new Titans but the old Titans for sure. Even has his name on the number of credits for the amount of movies he has lost count on. I'm amazed/impressed with Tony.

Howard is another old guy who tends to hang with our group. Howard is really interesting. Knows wear shorts and he's older than I am excited been through the ringer couple times. Howard is from the East Coast and it looks the part. Yours has interesting tidbits but are discussing anything New York or the 50s and 60s. He called himself an old Jew – – nonpracticing. Howard has graduated From University, Which one I do not know. He's definitely been around the block and I don't know what his disability is although he is pretty high functioning. Do not see evidence of head injury are cerebral trauma of any kind. I think just bad bone/back kind of stuff.

Then there is Mark, actually there are a couple Marks: Mark K and March K. I call him Kirk because that's his last name and helps differentiate when all Marks are on the floor. Kirk has had some stenosis issues. Is older than I said quite a life. He small stature is headed back fused really has to rely on other folks to get by similar to me. Kirk often helps me with pillows, setting weights and other things around the gym I cannot do or get to. Is okay for the posse. Kendall is the other Mark. I think I've written about him before. When I first met Kendall I thought he was intellectually impaired but I enjoy talking to and Was impressed to find it actually had a career janitorial services at the Veterans Administration. I've not seen a lot of Kendall recently. For some reason Kendall hates Tony works his schedule around when he thinks Tony will not be in the gym, so I rarely see him anymore.

So this about posse the guys I work out with. They are a good bunch of guys My wish I knew better. I think I can get them together is coming Monday or Wednesday see if I can get a picture of us all that would be fun. Until then I am just using this picture of Tony, I call I his Frankenstein pose. It may not be nice but somehow it fits.

Good News Bad News

Just returned home from the medical clinic, At the University of Utah and all it was a good visit with my doc. It seems that wound is healing well, it is granulating – – whatever the hell that means – – and she put another dressing on the wound and encouraged me to keep doing the same thing for the next week and hope for closure. She also indicated that I need to increase my protein intake. She wants me to max out on protein, were talking up to 100 g a day whatever the hell that means. Hundred grams

protein were talking protein bars, drinks like Ensure And whatever else might be out there to increase protein. This of course is to assist the body in what it needs to finish mending my leg in that same time crept me for whatever is going to encounter the surgery. I kind of revolted at the hundred grams of protein but I decide what is right is best to go into the poker game with the best hand that you get.. She also described another antibiotic which is bigger and tougher than the last antibiotic that I got. It's just a lot of stuff considers me. I wish I didn't have to do all this but I do and got a be easier to work with. I think again, I've just about burnt out Dianne. I hate to think of living without her, In fact I think I would die literally on all levels. Just have to be better.

On the upside Katya, my doc,Has released me to return to Wellness which is good. I missed working out. In fact the whole thing About not going to wellness was a bit of a misunderstanding. Katya understood I was working with my legs at Wellness which is not the case I work entirely on upper body which is or has nothing to do with my wounded leg so she says by all means returned to Wellness. Have to see how the weather looks tomorrow and whatever since it's a bit of a challenge to wear shorts in the outside. It's overcast today cloudy cold almost cold Enough to snow.

After clinic we met Bridger and Asher for lunch at this little place in the Avenues. Places okay They did not serving Enough food, It was definitely a neighborhood joint but certainly had character. Boy, there's nothing corporate about it was almost an entire one-man show. It was kind of fun However little testy when begin to talk about my issues with compliance to medical direction. All downhill from there and I suppose it was my fault it always is. So, I'm going to increase my protein make focus on getting upbeat for the operation. There's not much I can do otherwise.

Searching For Control

It's Monday afternoon and again I missed my workout this morning at Wellness and sugarhouse because I'm having to take it easy do to my leg. I've been really good in compliance this last week in sitting In such Away that I did not put any pressure on the wound. This is taken almost all my resolve to do. Because, I know tomorrow(Which is my scheduled appointment with m doc)I will have my wound looked at And most likely have a fresh dressing applied which I will have to suffer another week. So I will have just a short time, I think, after I get rolling papers before I have my surgery and who knows how long I'm going to be out of commission following the surgery.  It's getting close and begin to feel some anxiety not so much with the surgery, which definitely there is some, but more with what happens afterwards and how much this is going to affect my life our lives Financially particularly in just How We'll get along and home health support the full gamut of becoming elderly/disabled elderly/in America.

I am having to wear a boot over my wrapped of leg. Therefore I have been wearing shorts at this late time of year. Luckily, the days of the Warm and I've not really left the house for any significant amount of time.It would be so difficult to get my booted foot in my pants so I guess I think the boot off long enough To Put My Pants on – – Maybe That's What I Will Do Tomorrow When We Go to the University Hospital at 1115. Today supposed to be the coldest and most wet days this week wearing shorts is not so bad. I've got a check for mail once or twice and it wasn't too uncomfortable.

So this is the way it is for  now, I'm not even really exercising home except for my green band. With the way my legs are bound together holding them straight up and down I cannot get close enough into my Saratoga silver to do my daily pump which bums me out. Hopefully I'll be back to my normal workout scenario soon. This has got to stop need to regain some form of control over my life.

Objects In Motion

It's really weird I know the people who love me and really care – – literally, try to understand why I hate laying in bed as much as I do But they don't really can't until they have to lie in the same bed feel the isolation.

One of the weird things I'm having do or that we are having to do right now is to find a another electric bed, You know, hospital type it. The one I have that we got from a local writer provider Being taken back by the vendor something weird like not being covered by my insurance which is bull because we checked with our provider in fact it wouldn't even give us the bed until our provider authorized the bed. Regardless, I'm having to get a new bed or another bed. So going back to all my resources where the fully electric hospital bed might be found. One of those places is the local Independent living Center. In this case the Utah Independent Living Center . Interestingly enough the person I called who I thought could give me some good Intel was not there and I left a message. A few minutes later I was contacted by the director of the independent living center was also a close friend. Her name is Deborah or Deb.

Deborah is a high quadriplegic, Deb is much more involved than I disabilitywise but she is totally independent as much a she can be. Deb cannot dress yourself, toilet yourself get in and out of bed by herself but she lives a full life, is director of the largest IL in Utah has traveled all over the country and manages your life to the max. As I visited with Deb about the bed She mentioned how it was impossible for her to also stay in bed if she didn't have to and if she had to how horrible the experience was. I can't explain but was so happy to find someone who understood how I felt.

I stayed in bed wonderful day this week in an effort to assist my wounded leg heal. I watched movies one after another all day. Doing this will survivable and got me through the day but I could not face another day watching the sun go from one end of my window to the next even if I had total entertainment. I can use my tablet or my cell phone dictate posts to the blog, letters, emails or even make calls very same things I would do if I were sitting at my computer in my computer room up in my chair. I think it's the ability to move. Movement regardless of how short the distance is so meaningful to someone who has reduced ability.. I think it may also be that scientific principle “objects in motion tend to stay in motion objects at rest tends to have rest”. I guess I'm afraid if I stay at rest too long I may not get moving again. Already I'm having to stay home from working out and even at home because I have to find my legs together so my injured leg does not press against my foot pedal cannot get close enough to very and bike or Saratoga Silver to use it. I'm not losing strength I don't think right now but I'm not building any strength either.

Dianne got me up this morning and I'm so thankful. Dianne helped me out of my shorts and help me transfer into my chair. I shaved, finished dressing, got me a quick breakfast, took my meds and washed dishes. I was an object in motion, I am an object of motion and I intend to stay in motion

Spasms B Not Proud

My spasms of gotten worse over the past couple of weeks, not looking forward to my upcoming operation, but this by having the operation my spasticity slackens and I'll be able to get some sleep then the operation was then worthwhile – – I do not know the worth deficits which might be left from the surgery hopefully I can exercise those away or fill them up again however whatever happens.

I am dragging my butt Today is a result of not being able to sleep most of which is due to the spasms experience into the sucking bed, hospital bed. This is a short-term problem however since we been Informed by Intermountain healthcare that we need to turn the bed as soon as we can find a replacement for it, something to do with my insurance provider not covering the bed. Hopefully I'll catch up on some sleep tonight. I've been searching around some of my old contacts in hopes of finding a hospital bed that we can have and which meet my needs. I even put out some feelers out on the web hopefully someone will bite me some information about accessible hospital type bed.

I spent the day in bed yesterday in order to keep pressure off my wound. This drives me crazy Staying in bed all day. I watched five different movies is about 10 hours of not more of Amazon viewing. It certainly helped me get past the day I hate wasting a day watching TV. This morning Carl and I devised a system that allows me to sit up my chair and have my feet on the hangers without putting pressure on the side of my leg. I just hope and pray the medical intervention Fixes the problem. I just don't understand why things keep getting worse and worse medically. I don't see the Doc again until this coming Tuesday and hopefully we'll see lots of progress then.

I really miss not being able to get to the gym/rehab facility workout. I do what I can here at the house but it's kind of limiting plus I miss my Association, however limited, with the other folks who come to the Wellness facility to work out. Im pretty sure I'll be limited again next week when I go to the doctor to see how my leg is doing. That means if I'm released to be a little workout the following week all have to deal with Thanksgiving and I doubt if I'm going to pay for the month of December since I will have my surgery in the first half of the month and I be down for who knows how long after that. Hopefully I'll be able to do some working out once I have the operation and I am rehabbing on Ward and after that skilled nursing facility I end up being at.

I know this is a draft posting but not a whole lot is happening in my life right now just prepping for the operation: and what comes next hopefully a wonderful spring.

Heal Dam You

It just never stops. I wonder if I'm going to ever be healthy again, and be truly healthy is much as I can be healthy as a quadriplegic. A couple days ago maybe a week or two I was undressing and I scraped by leg. I did not even know that I had scratched my leg but was told that I had by my wife. I really did not pay much attention to the fact until couple days later in my spasticity increased And I was feeling a little pain in my leg. But my Dianne checked She found I had a major wound on the side of my leg! We watched the wound for a day or so until Dianne got really concerned and we made a trip into my doc.

By Doc or more specifically PA is great and she immediately started caring for the wound space cleaning and getting the wound ready for dressing. I'm so pleased and lucky Dianne had been doing all the right things to minimize the wounds impact but still needed professional attention. However the result was putting my leg into a boot made of guaz that is medicated. And looks like I will have to wear this boot for at least a week when I go back to have the leg looked at and evaluated. Most likely I will have to wear the boot again for another week and then possibly a week after that. Plus during this time I can not participate in Wellness are other activities which might traumatize the dressing in the wound. Essentially this is home confinement and I had to accept that – – which I have. I cannot believe this happened in trying to be upbeat about the whole issue. However I'm going to try to keep some of my exercise routine here at the house going with the mindset at keeping my leg is free of pressure as possible. I'm having to do sponge baths since showers which seems like a step backwards. I plan to use this time to catch up was writing, sketching and communications as well as finding a different hospital bed. So I'm going to look upon this healing time as a gift and enjoy it as much as possible.

Techno

1001 trying to time the relentlessly banal I got the paper now he's using is the nice check to see that the no liability for me lately (I and when was th well that's strange I don't know Sadie got up I remember you I don't reiterate that wasn't right unfurling Tibet was designed as I trained I must embrace another time during the night because it might just make you I drank not I I I is okay why don't you let me be a little less yesterday

my struggles on the reliable rooms place eyelet screws were able to call this the warm about know the Lord bless you how mine is a staff is was I listening to Cedillo on you absolutely will I think the relentlessly thing right now trying to not let my imagination but I think that is because that is a nice is really strange I go on Hannity

I use/have a voice to text program which I like very much and use as much as I can Overall the program works pretty well And I'm basically pleased. The program has some issues which I'm sure if they bothered me enough I could research out and fix. However, I don't use the program enough and professional situations where exactness matters. There's all kinds of things I can do to train my computer to better understand my voice, inflections and personal vocabulary but so far I have just to lazy to hone the program. I use a headset which is not the best headset in the world which I am sure would make a big difference, but again I'm either too lazy too cheap To make a change.

The first paragraph of this post is the result of leaving my headset on with the program. What is written in this paragraph is the result of couple minutes of me talking in the background, not knowing the program is still functioning, and the poor program picking whatever it can up through the headphones. It tries to make words out of whatever he hears resulting an interesting paragraph to say the least. I thought about deleting this paragraph but on second thought imagined it would make an interesting post. I am thinking I might just do this on purpose sometime to see if it would stimulate any ideas to write about. Will have to see.

Train Ride

I could not help myself. I have really been trying to be better at sniping images of people in public which I think are interesting. I thought about actually offering some of these people of interest a buck for their image. I just haven't known how to get around to asking that person for permission. I think I'll do it though one of these first days. I don't mean to poke fun at these folks just there images and plights are so interesting to me. I know I got a great deal of the sport when I was posting an image once a day from my ride in to work On the train or bus.. I'm afraid as long as I out in public an have an option to harvest an image here and there I will do that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day even though I struggled through the night trying to sleep. If only come to grips with the fact that my spasticity is definitely getting worse or my night spasms are getting worse. I tried to sleep with the legs bent because it's more comfortable for me but my spasms tend to straighten my legs like somebody was pulling on my legs. Sometimes if I'm lucky I can raise my bed or situate my body in such a way that my legs are bent up and uncomfortable for a short period of time and if lucky can drop off into a sleep. However it seems to always, leg spasm, I awake start the process all over again. I am blessed that at least I'm not in pain when this happens – – even though it looks as if I am. I'm just in some discomfort both from the spasm in the knowledge that I will not be at the top of my performance the next day. Hopefully the upcoming operation will lighten up the amount of spasticity I am now experiencing. I was coming home from my Wellness session. And I boarded the train at 2100 S. at the central city station. I sit at the front of the train and look back on the rest of the seats and in the first seat that I saw and noticed this large fellow sitting just sort of staring off into the distance. He looked tired, detached forlorn. The train Rocked back and forth As we hurled down the track And I clung to my chair to not be thrown out. This is when I noticed the traveler Had a folded piece of cardboard at his side. This guy was a better man one of those people who stand at driveways the supermarkets are interstates with a sign saying they would do something for money usually work. I cannot read but was obvious guys placard but obviously he was either traveling from point a to point B or maybe it reached his daily quota was heading home for a big night after stopping at the market first or maybe even the liquor store.It didn't matter to me whether market or liquor store,hell he had earned his money – – I think begging is one of the hardest jobs there is. He was most likely going to another intersection for the going home people. It was the middle the afternoon when we shared a train. He had the look of a factory worker with two jobs Just trying to stay awake to make ends meet.

November Thoughts

I'm really trying not to let this whole surgery thing freak me out. And I really think I'm doing pretty well. I've accepted the fact that surgeries coming and that I spend time in the hospital and then spend time in a long-term care facility i.e. nursing home rehabbing. So I know this is all going to have it is real now I can almost touch it. However, when I got home today from my workout sugarhouse, Dianne informed me that the surgery is not 10 December as I have been told surgery is now 14 December. Changing the date the surgery is not really a big deal but just sort of irks me. But I remember when I had a discussion with nurse Susie about when I wanted it surgery she often the 14th and I said no I want the 10th  soon as I could this was the first surgery date that was open on Dr. Daly's  schedule.They can be so screwed up and just doing the calendar what else can they screw up on? Like I said it's not a huge deal is big enough to be just a little bit of stress.

I've been having trouble trying to get my posts on any type of regular basis I don't know why except for I think I'm a little bit shy in dictating to the machine when other people are around. So I try to find times when I'm alone but they never get around to dictating the posting. So for the first time I think I'm going to start working on posts that may be less than the 500 words  I have labored to do when updating my blog. I would like to get into some sort of rhythm With my blog posts but that can be real difficult next couple months as I deal with the surgery and its consequences. I would just have to do the best that I can and hope that everything is not surgery focused… I really am trying not to be a major drama mama on this whole thing.

December 10, 2015

I got the word yesterday. I spoke with one of the people from my neurosurgeon's office. My MRI has finally been read. My medical professionals have this great program where they list all of your medical stuff on the Internet and you can go access that information as soon as it's published. Dianne found my MRI results and Printed them out for me. However, I was not able to make heads or tails out of the document except for getting a bit of a sinking feeling that all is not as well as I felt or looked. I figured I would have to call Dr. Daly's to find out more information and see what my next step will be. So I was a bit relieved but shocked yesterday when I got the call From daily's office. I don't remember much the call at least the specifics the feeling I got was the dark Dismal. All I remember was the woman on the other end of the line saying “Dr. Daily feels we need to get that stenosis out. We can schedule you for December 10 or anytime after the first of the year.” After that nothing else was just a buzz In my earpiece. My knee-jerk reaction was by all means January or as long outdoes I can make it. I did the cowardly thing by deferring my decision of the surgical date until I had time to speak with Dianne.

It's kind of funny about how putting a date or time Event suddenly makes the event real or concrete. The changes from something “out there” to actually something definitely concrete and going to happen. When Dianne got home I informed her and she looked at me like what you just take the date December uncolored good? I just want to make sure the date was all right and would not conflict with anything else we were doing so close to the holiday season – – like we do anything for the holiday season. I was just doing my last bit of denial.

So I called yesterday – – Wednesday – – let them know that December 10, would be fine just fine. It's funny how do them/staff of the doctor or hospital is just another date on the calendar. I could visualize Susan Scribbling my name down On the calendar or type my name in the computer calendar, popping her gum and going for next task, Not knowing or possibly even carrying about what that date means the person on the other end of the phone. But that's okay – – more I thought about doing the operation sooner than later probably works out for the best. Even though I lose Christmas and New Year's I would've lost those holidays anyway fretting about an upcoming operation. Now for better or worse surgery will be done by the time the holidays roll around and hopefully – – I'm still around – – I will be recouping heading towards a better life of less tone and doing rehab get myself ready for the summer of my 65^th year. It's going to be a very good year

No Strain No Gain

I'm just in from working out. The season has finally caught up with the calendar. It's cool and wet outside with the breeze which makes me ambient temperature of 57° feel even cooler to me. It's Monday and really it's the first time back to the gym this week and I missed Friday because I had forgotten to plug my chair and Thursday evening. Even though my chair probably would have made it to and from the workout I just didn't want to chance it and stayed home. I knew the weather was going to be cool. I still have my window cracked in the bedroom and listen to the rain overnight and it was chilly this morning when I got up. My brother asked if I wanted long pants but I'm sticking to my shorts right now… Don't know why except for one of the longest summer and be as little problem was possible for those who have to assist me in my activities of daily living like getting dressed and undressed. So I dressed in shorts and found a light sweater to wear knowing I would be cool and thereby uncomfortable all day.

Dianne my coffee in the to go cup that how to secure top that wouldn't spill easily And out the door I went. I was uncomfortable but not too bad Sort of like a toothache that has not gone nova. It's always a cool wind that blows down State Street. I just focused on my cell phone reading emails waiting for the bus. But the bus did arrive I was more than pleased for the hheat coming out of the door. I was early today so I dallied here and there on the way to Wellness. Stopped at Barnes & Noble checked on the titles for science fiction also stopping in Whole Foods and snagging samples were I could. Got some nice cheese samples and of course grapes. I have been out of grapes for a couple days.

At Wellness it was good to see the folks I usually work out with and it was good to see that Ellsworth was back from his nose operation and recuperation. He was off all last week. Not many people at Wellness this morning but those who were there were quite labor-intensive for Ellsworth and he was the only one on. So I chatted with Mark and Mark and Tony when he came and finally Ellsworth was able to assist me in my lifting. However, I mentioned to Ellsworth that My right wrist was hurting and my hand was intermittently numbing. I had already done the rickshaw and chest press and was working on rows but after my first set I mentioned that my wrist hurt which began Elsworth interrogating me as to when, what was I doin when I first noticed the pain and how severe is the pain Ellsworth essentially shut down my workout at that point in time. Indicated that if there was pain I was not to work out. I was amazed but I follow his lead and he seems to know what he is talking about.

I've also noticed that where my glove on my bike also irritates the nerve on my the ulna on my right wrist.I do not plan to stop riding my SaratogaBut I really want to get rid of this pain and and frames not related to my stenosis… Just another thing to ask neurosurgeon if and when he ever calls back.

Sunday Limbo

I had really hoped I would of heard back from my neurosurgeon by now. It is now been more than a week since I did my MRI. I mean the whole point getting my MRI done as quick as possible as to get results and begin developing the next plan will be. We did hear back anything by Thursday Dianne finally called on Friday to be informed that Dr. Daly was away on conference would not be back until next week I guess for Monday. So the MRI has not been read And we are sort of sitting in limbo.

The weather has finally cooled with a cold front wandering in last night clouds the day and rain overnight. I still have my window open a crack the cool wind feels great over the evening hours but that be ending shortly as the temps continue to drop. Sleep is coming somewhat better as the meds continue to get a foothold on the UTI. I have rough nights though,last was tough with only a couple hours sleep—waking feeling like I need to drain but only draining 200 Ccs and then not being able to return to sleep. I'm a bit groggy but not too bad. I continue to wear my shorts. I think this year is record for how late I have worn shorts into the fall. I may even wear the shorts longer because I feel shorts are much easier to dress me with then long pants.

My current Project is trying to sew my hoodie that I tore up a year or so ago when I was wearing my hoodie around my neck and the garment got caught in my wheels and rip the hell out of the hood. I finally got some thread and Needles and have started the job of sewing the item back together. This is good and being much more difficult task than I like but something do. I don't think my sewing the last But maybe long enough and I can always go back an resew If I need to. I just hope I get this project done for spring that sort like to use the hood on my trips back and forth gym.

Its that kind of Sunday, Not much is happening just trying to get by. About ready to go start mixing up a meatloaf for dinner. I love meatloaf with lot of ketchup and a baked potato with sour cream perfect menu for cool autumn day.

Waiting By The Phone

The autumn days just keep coming One perfect day after another. The mornings are cool but quickly burn off to beautiful afternoons. Saturday was such a day Saturday my date for my MRI. See what the weird time 1 o'clock in the afternoon for my MRI. Usually I have these Procedures in the early morning. But since I kind of demanded that I get the next earliest appointment I got stuck with 1 o'clock on Saturday afternoon. That's okay I doubt that of been doing anything significant anyway.

We got To radiology right on timeAnd I was kind of surprised at how busy everything seemed to be. I kind of expected tumbleweeds for Saturday afternoon radiology clinic. Dianne had taken great effort to make sure that I was wearing clothing without any mental saw we not have to strip down and do the night thing. Of course they had no lift speak of so they had to get muscle to load me on to the donut. I once again selected Billy Joel for my music after complaining that the last time all I got was to Billy Joel songs and then selections of near like Billy Joel songs. This is because they use a music provider like Siri or something but forgot about his way to load up a bunch of Billy Joel's from the Internet.

They laid me out on the machine and I sort of think my spasms are getting worse – – maybe more about that later – – however I was able to lay pretty still for the duration of the scan spasming only two or three times and even then not very noticeable. The selections of music worked really well and 45 minutes seem to fly by which was a blessing. There is something awful snarky about doing an MRI on a Saturday afternoon. Anyway the tech said I did good and got very good images what that means I can only imagine but we'll see now.

So now it's Wednesday almost half a week since my scan and no word from the Neurosurgeon. So, taking matters into my own hands and make a call this afternoon I got home from Wellness. Of course I was immediately stuck into (hold time) But eventually someone answered the phone And after giving that person more information informed me that of course he could tell me nothing about be sure to relay this information forward to the surgeon or clerk of the surgeons business someone would get back to me hopefully by the end of the day. I'm sure I hope they will not tell me anything and that the best I'm going to get is a date to meet with the Doc again When we will really get down to business of whether or not I will need another operation. As I indicated earlier I sense and other people have told me that I am getting stiffer this of course means spasticity is increasing. Nothing like I had before and still not a good sign and I am sure something that Doc will want to hear about. I just wish things would go back to being normal or maybe this is the new normal.

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The Incredible Shrinking Man

Last night when I went to bed Dianne noticed that I had to small skin breakdowns on my butt this is kind of terrifying to me. Decubitus ulcers are pressure sores are some of the worst things people spinal cord injuries have to deal with. Over the years my skin has become more and more delicate and I must be very careful when I do get these skin breakdowns. These breakdowns I'm convinced are directly related to my power chair being out of commission having to use my backup chair. I love having this backup chair and the ability this chair just me to be independent And carry on my life. However, the chair is too big for me and I do not have the appropriate cushions for this chair which therefore leads to a rocking back and forth when I drive the chair which wears through my skin. Dianne has crafted a synthetic skin Which works pretty good but still I have to be careful when I am up in my chair. Therefore my activities on the outside have come to a grinding halt. This used to drive me crazy but now think, I am beginning to accept the fact that I'm not as “not as out there” as I would like to be or even as I perceive myself to be in effect I am becoming invisible. Like Frodo with his ring I feel I am becoming more and more invisible each day and somewhere deep inside I am okay with that. Last week I only went to one of my Wellness programs meaning two days I did not work out lifting heavy weights. I think I only used my Saratoga silver three days Because it was too painful sitting up on my sore butt.

I called the durable medical provider today, the company that I bought my power chair through, they indicate another week to seven days before parts arrive needed to repair my chair. This used to infuriate me but now it's like ho – hum... Okay. I'm spending my days tilting back in my chair trying to squish the squishy stuff in my cushion back under my hips for comfort and protection and this seems be working for the time being. I'm even considering with enough Amazon Prime selections on my cable staying bed all day And tell my repaired chair arrives or mighty pressure sores heal. Right now the breakdowns very small and I don't think would take much down time to heal and I'm willing to go that road if I have to.

But back to my main point regardless of the issues I'm becoming smaller and smaller and soon I will be invisible and perhaps that is not all bad. But maybe when I get my chair back and back in my regular cushion again maybe I'll get rejuvenated now be able to push back the desire to rub the ring and be less seen.

Death Be Not Proud

I'm going to die! I wish this were not the case but I'm having to come to grips with the idea of my evitable end On this last marble. Oh let me put your minds to rest, I don't have cancer, at least not that I am aware of right this minute, and have not done the MRI that we spoke of yet which may or may not have some liked to timing but the fact that I'm 64 and and questionable health is making me consider true end-of-life scenarios.

I cannot believe how typical I am of the baby boomers. I'm essentially poor, I'm thankful for health plan that I have but It's a pretty dismal The plan really leaves me the lurches in the number of ways. We are caught in the feeling of circling the drain of our current style of living. Just one pick up medical or Otherwise we would be down the drain. So we are living one day to the next hoping for the best.

When we met with my neurosurgeon last week speaking of the remaining stenosis and what happened what could happen when he tries to remove stenosis you actually said I could die from the operation, if the operation is warranted. He did not say to get my life in order our anything as dramatic but I got the message. In fact the past couple of years Dianne and I talked about how he want to and for each of us to play out If and when The dark Moment comes. I have even considered writing my obituary just so no one else will have to deal with that issue. I assume that writing some other person's obituary is always a drag or at least it would seem to be. If the person's death was not scheduled and an obituary is not written someone has to make something up pretty fast and I've seen some of those obituaries and they are not pretty. So writing one's own second allows you to exercise your creativity at fiction more important have some degree of control into the process and how you'll be considered in the end.

I do not have the time or the inclination at this point to discuss my conversion from a burial to cremation Let's just say been a long time coming And though I'm not completely comfortable with the concept of being incinerated I no longer feel that burial in the ground is the only way out. It must have been a large part of the decision has been based on cost which is not cheap and how rude and crude the whole concept is when one thinks about Ground burial.

So I'm thinking “why not?” After I made this acceptance I started thinking about where I would want my ashes spread. Truth be told that many places left I would want to be spread. The little farm I was brought up on as long since been dissected into smaller homes. The “cabin” my brother and two friends used to hang around as kids I'm sure has also been co-opted some sort of river bottom estates which is a shame And two half acres which is to be desert property of my families as long as so and I'm sure also been gentrified.. So I've contemplated what was left: there's the Boise River By the islands were used to hang out as kids and again I think like our It is co-opted by rich people. It seems like such a waste dump my ashes in the river just because it's the river. I'm thinking which might be a good place might be table rock. Table rock had a quarry at its rear and rises up ove Boise city And I think well stand there for the next thousand years at least. There's a regular housing that has taken over Table rock but I'm hoping the quarry still remains and if so can I get someone that is indeed there? I think that's the place. Of the four of us to enjoy that area one has cancer, one has Parkinson's getting close to the end stage and one is my friend John who to my knowledge has no significant health issues aside from aging. Have not yet talked to about this idea and whether or not he would even go through with it. We were relatively close growing up to adolescents and then went our ways but we'll have to see. We'll have to see.