Home Bound

I should have called my cousin’s shop yesterday while I was at the office—but I didn’t. True the phones were busy for a Friday but not busy enough to have taken five minutes to call the shop and get the definitive information as to the status of my van. I used the excuse , ‘it’s Friday afternoon and nothing practical could be done on Friday afternoon’ so I will just call Monday. So why worry about something I have no control over till Monday. The truth is I am frightened, maybe just depressed know the “fix” for my van is going to be well over $1000.00. I don’t have a thousand dollars in saving and don’t have a thousand on my credit card. Maybe, I can get more money on a credit line, or maybe I can go to one of the programs I refer callers to everyday and get a low interest or no interest loan or maybe even a grant or a partial grant which will allow me to get the van repaired but this is going to take time, something I can start exploring on Monday not Friday afternoon.

The family reunion is next weekend. I am not going to make it as I see things right now. Even if I got the van up and running I will still have to pay for the room, meals and gas. I was planning on putting these expenses for Dianne Anakah and me on the credit card which would just about max me out and a burden I would have to shoulder for a number of months but doable. Now, I cannot see how I can do it

The biggest drawback of not going is not seeing mom. Mom is frail, living in long term care and has been living for the reunion when a major portion of the kids will get together. The short period of time an aged mother lives for her only validation that she lived, had a family and that family remains intact. A quick 24 hours of crammed family, a shot to last her another year, if she has another year—most likely not. The brother and sisters and extended family I can miss for one year—I hate to but I feel they will understand but mom I don’t know. Actually maybe I am just flattering myself maybe there will be so many people there with grand kids bouncing off walls , tables and laps the wheelchair guy will not be missed, maybe a collective sigh will be heaved, “ now we can go to a real restaurant or even to one of the houses steps and narrow bathroom doors.”

You know what is really weird? What if I did not get my van fixed?

Could I go a year with out a van—really rely on public transportation and my power wheelchair—make it to work, meetings and life? It’s a seductive thought for me, almost selfish. No gas payments or maintenance no vehicle up keep. Still, in the heat of summer is one thing but in the rains of Fall and snow of Winter is quite another.