Loving Larry

Tears from the 12th floor...

I'm beginning my last week here on the 12th floor I believe. There is a white board underneath my TV screen that says quote looking at 4/15/16 - 4/18/16 for length of stay. This of course is next week I don't know if it's one day or if it's all the days for next week or something in between. Regardless, my days here are numbered that's fine with me. Regardless, I am kind of anxious to get back to the house and begin living life again. I have to admit I'm a little spooked about living life on the outside. Oh I don't think I have really any reservations significantly about living life on the outside oh I don't think I have really any reservations significantly about living life on the outside but there is something there makes me a little anxious. I am excited about taking the skills I've picked up here in a few weeks I have been at IMC and adapting them to living more independently at home
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Last night I was visiting with one of  my old friends who was is a para . I've known this guy for almost 20 years we've been through a lot together. its not like we are best friends or anything like that in fact I am somewhat impressed that he spends any time with me at all . His name is Larry and we work at the same operation for a while end socialized after that off and on. I've always been impressed with his vast knowledge of Music, art and all kinds of things that I don't even know anything about. He's a man of the world live life with gusto and continues to stay alive Against All Odds. That's really impressive is that of all the people I know are who know me he is only one of two that have taken the time to come up to see me since this has been happening to me. Not that I really care a whole hell of a lot it's just interesting. I doubt it any kind of divine intervention that sent Larry up here but his visit has sure helped me and putting my life in perspective.

Larry has lived an extremely rough life by my standards. After a spinal cord injury which left him a paraplegic he's got involved quite heavily in Wheelchair Sports everything from downhill skiing , competitive basketball and tennis. Larry has done his share of camping as well. He has really pushed himself or his body. The result has been some but devastating his body is beginning to fall apart literally. I thought I had it bad with two stenosis but Larry's literally been drug the ringer. Pressure sores , bladder issues , shoulders and even legs have kept him in the hospital for months decubitus or pressure sores so bad that for nearly a year he had to stay in bed 20 hours of the day. That would literally drive me crazy , push me over the edge. But Larry keeps on going. He's nursing his body back to life and takes time every once in awhile, when he thinks he can afford it, and playes a game of tennis, take in a play, or have a decent meal out. Larry is one cool dude who never ceases to amaze me.

I just hope that when my body gets as bad as Larry's that I keep having an attitude as good as Larry's.

The Great Catheter Battle

Tears from the 12th floor

 If I had to title this posting I think I would title it The Great Catheter Battle. That's I'm sure any of you who is spent any time at all reading this blog know that I use catheters to drain my bladder with. I have to use the catheter 3 or four times a day actually and if I were to do my cathing like the folks here it the hospital with like I would be cathing 4 times a day no once every 4 hours. It's not complicated just something I have to do and I'm ok doing it I've developed a system and that's that. But is near as I can tell the people at this facility this Hospital is interested in rehabbing the entire me not just the parts that I think our want to be rehab. One of these parts is the catheters I use it a process I use in using. Simply stated what I use as a straight catheter inserted it into the penis, up to the bladder which drains then into a bag that I carry with me that I have liberated from the hospital when I was there for stenosis II which is basically a feeding bag called "kangaroo bag." Like everything in the universe there a correct way of doing things and I do the wrong way. The proper way is to use plastic gloves, swab areas with iodine solution and soap you know the drill keep everything a sterile as possible. Well you know what that doesn't work in the real world and never has work for me I just carry some BZK cleaning solution but seems to work just fine and lube up the street catheter that I have and use my plastic bag that works for me. However there is a nurse here at the hospital, actually nice guy, but he's focused on getting me to try something else, catheter wise, something he feels be much better meet my needs and I'm sure makes him feel a lot better about my lack of sterility. So he is made contact with a couple of catheter vendors and one sent of a bunch on interesting catheters to say the least and what are the products has some potential as a product I would use in an emergency or a product I would carry in the bottom of my backpack. It is a self contained system, even has a baf attached to the end of the catheter. the system looks funky as hell that is oddly usable. The biggest issue I have is dumping a bag of piss and the public garbage system. I guess it shouldn't bother me to much but just seems gross even for me. The system is quite complicated to use, the system requires a lot of hand function and if I have the time it would not be so bad but using the cath in bag in a quick need situation, I can't see its use ability. Its a product that was made for a paraplegic not a person with limited and function such as me. All the different catheter systems that were sent me requires just too much hand function. I wish this was not the case but it is. Now the nurse mopes around like I have insuted him , it is enough to wear a person out.

 Fortunately for me, I have noticed this evening , there is not so much a press on me trying out the new catheters. The only drawback now is, they issue me one catheter at a time and its just a little unnerving having to go up and ask for something to stick in my dick every 4 hours. Sometimes though they give me four catheters at a time which sets me up a little bit.

 seriously, do you see me as a high-maintenance patient? I don't think that I am I just want to be able to pee in peace like everyone.

The Weekend

Tears from the 12th floor


Saturday ,The Weeknd a time to slow down do something different , enjoy the ride. The same holds true in the rehab industry. Today should have been a slow day and it kind of was but because of some weird issues going on about the rehab but because of some weird issues going on about Therapy sessions scheduled so close together that I was not able to shave or even cath I had finish my pt way late in the afternoon ans I guess that is alright but I did feel like it was a regular rehab day. I did find some time to steal away downstairs and sit in the sunlight for a short while but I did feel like it was a regular rehab day. It was good feeling the solar heat on my face.

I was surprised to see that even though I have a reduced day of therapy they had smashed all the therapy sessions together which is a bit frustrating plan the nursing side of the coin is trying to managed by urinary output. Therefore I am supposed to be in taking fairly large amounts of fluid during this time which means I'm going to be urinating I'm having to urinate afterwards at some point in time comma therefore I don't need to drain at some point and as it turns out right during the time I need to be out of my chair on the mats and one can imagine that time consumption it takes two then to be back in my chair and get back to my room. So what happened today was that as I was going into physical therapy after a strenuous morning of ADL occupational therapy Kama I had to excuse myself and head back to the room to catheterize. So what this ended up doing was taking another half hour session what physical therapy to the afternoon which I guess is ok but I was kind of looking forward to a major block of space or I could do nothing but maybe sit in the Sun.

So I wonder if this is an age-old battle between nursing and the Therapies. Not saying that's the nursing system is ratchet based but still they tend to push their will over that of the therapies and of course the consumers the one caught in the middle ... as always. And then if you have consumer such as I who is trying to be compliant then you're really caught in a bind. I really want to be in therapy I really want to be on the mat and doing the things I need to be doing to get my self out of here and make myself independent on the homefront. I can't do that if I'm shooting myself in the foot by trying to maintain this crazy schedule.

"21"

Tears from the 12th floor

I'm really trying to be compliant, I'm really trying to be a nice guy but you know what it's getting harder and harder for me to not the acting out can acting like a turd. The issue I'm having the past couple days has been catheters . I just can't seem to get a stockpile of catheters but I can use when I want to use them. It seems part of my Rehabilitation is to find a catheter that I can use independently but there's a problem I already have all that stuff Kama a catheter I can use independently.

It seems one of the issues I have is that while I am in the sniff as well as the hospital they have to supply my medical needs in this case we're talking about catheters. Now couple times well I've been in the bathroom using are trying to use a catheter nurses have wandered in and out and who else I don't know and I don't mind that this fact as far as who watches me or whatever in fact I kinda like that butt next thing I know is that I'm on some sort of regimen to maintain my toileting schedule. I know at one time I indicated that I'd sure like to make it through the night without having to pee but I didn't think I was saying this as a goal that I wanted to achieve I think I was just making a statement and I'm wondering if that had some form of impact on how this got started. Now all these nursing folks are trying to find the right catheter for me. and it's not like I have not said I don't need this kind of support when I do they start giving me the fish-eye making me feel very uncomfortable. it begins to make me paranoid like I'm not doing what I should be doing. we have a meeting once a week for all the docs get together and talk about what my needs are and outcomes I might be Lookin at then they write out these goals and I've got a sign on and all that kind of stuff it's kind of weird to know that they're talking about you like that. They want me to try all these new different catheters MA times I already have and it all worked out well for me and that's why I don't use the catheters. the catheters. And then I start making noises like look I'm okay you don't need to be doing this then they start giving me the fish I again and I start feeling uncomfortable and I feel that better at least go through the motions of using these catheters just to keep these guys off my back. I mean if it come up with something that looks like it'll work and I'll be happy to go ahead and use it and Incorporated in my life but that's not what I'm all about and not what I'm here for least that's what I think. I'm just here to get some strength buy some time and then get back to my home.

 I started getting into this weird habit of referring to myself as the meat when I was at the sniff . It was just something that I did that I thought was kind of cute it was also a way of me talking about how inconsequential we were as people to these folks we are just their meal ticket we are just their piece of meat for the table we are what they did to get by. Now however I really do feel inconsequential I've been here for 3 days and noticed the Habit that the staff do when referring to one of us folks on the ward are the floor and that's referring to us by our room numbers like I'm in room 1221. I'm on the 12th floor in room 21 so whenever there is a staff member with me and they get buzzed on there intercom systems they wear around their necks bill just referred to the person they're working with as in my case I'm just" 21" meaning I'm room . Never do they refer to me by my name. Maybe I just want too much

Meat on Their Plate

Tears from the 12th floor

Nothing reminds me more of how much physical disability and Industry then being here at the neuro rehab spinal cord injury facility. It's kind of fun to see how these folks try to regard themselves as Humana is humanistic and really outgoing to serve the person with the spinal cord injury. In the final solution everything in the rehab boils down to just time, time charged out is money collected.

This morning was a good example it was a bugger of a morning, now my mornings are completely buggers , because I'm having to dress every morning or try to dress every morning and it's a thing that wears a person out. Seriously I start out buck naked on the bed trying to figure out how to get the clothes on my feet and my pants pulled up. This is a focused energy session that can go up to an hour it seems . It is so hard trying to sit up and then trying to negotiate pants over my feet then pulling them up over my legs. There are times I feel that possibly could cry it becomes so frustrating. my therapist gives me plenty of support and reinforcement but I know that's just what it is reinforcement tell the kid he's doing good maybe he'll do better. I struggled and struggled this morning but as the time got close to the hour I can sense the therapist getting antsy and finally he agreed to help me pull on the rest of my pants and then transfer over to my chair. The golden hour was up you had to go and reinforce somebody else and that's okay I know the dance I had my partner and now it's time to move on.

 I know time is money and I know I am making money for the operation here I just wish the professionals would be just a bit more aware we are the meat on their plate the protein that lets them play after work.


Tears from the 12th Floor

Another Day on the 12th Floor.

Tears from the 12th floor

 Surprisingly, it was another good day here on the 12th floor I may have to be careful and change the title from this mini series of blogs I am doing from the 12th floor of IMC Hospital in Murray Utah. I passed a good night surprisingly again, I slept all the way through until 6 o'clock pretty much. I'm not going to give the credit to the new fluid schedule that has been posted on my wall but maybe there is something to to the schedule and the ability to sleep through the night . the major issue I'm having with the schedule is that it's have to drink like 8 glasses of water a day anyone who knows me knows I can't tolerate that much water but then again there I go being a boob and not seeing the benefit this all might be for me. So what I think I'm going to do is drink as much as I can close to the schedule and see if it does significantly bring out better sleeping periods. I mean I can always change my fluid consumption at another point in time.

My mornings started for me like 8:30 when I have an ADL class I actually work at getting dressed. I work at this while in the bed and it really is a workout really great cardiovascular for sure and seems to take forever I am so pleased the OT who's working with me takes the time for me to explore all the different options. Tomorrowm I'm going to try to dress like I did in the old days out of my manual chair. I can tell already the added weight does greatly affect how independent I'm going to be. if I think about the weight issue and other things too long ever going to get somewhat depressed as far as thinking of how I'm going to come out of this situation. Once again I really wowed the crowd down at the gym on the mat. Today I pulled myself from the prone position to my kneeling position and then I climbed up a chair so I was like straight up and down kneeling up. That's something that done many times before at earlier times in my life perfectly and trying to get myself back into the wheelchair the manual wheelchair. So, I was able to pull it off but again staff was just totally impressed and I didn't think it was all that much. I did have lunch today in the dining area and actually sat with another individual patient. She is a stroke person and she came up and sat with me I was somewhat surprised at that. Her name is Jeannie it seems a little bit spooky but it's pretty nice. She has a small farm out in Draper actually it's an acreage but she has some beasts and such which qualifies that's a far much more than our one chicken run around independently did.

Sometimes I get good feelings about what's going on here and other times I get somewhat depressed because I can see the handwriting on the wall and I don't like it very much. Butt we have committed to getting through this trial one day at a time One Challenge at a time and sometimes that's all you can do..

Yes I Can

Tears From the 12 Floor.

Luckily today was not a cheerful day but I like the title so much I think I'm going to keep it for a couple of days. I was not sure how I would function today because I don't remember sleeping a whole lot last night. But I was able to get through the day quite nicely in fact I made quite a hit during this afternoon mat class physical therapy session. I was a little uneasy because I had to cut the middle of the class to go back to my room to pee. Took longer than I anticipated and I did not dream as much as I would have liked but I got back and soon I was on the mat doing all kinds of mat stuff.

No, I like the mat the ability to really move outside of my chair. I like to roll around I like to do the push up things like to just be able to exercise without limitations and the boundaries of a wheelchair. I spent a good part of my life well when I was younger on the mats either as wrestler, tumbler/ gymnastor just goofing n the front yard on fresh mown grass in those wonderful warm nights of summer. Working out on the mat is one of the big things I miss about being disabled. So whenever I get a chance to get on the mat and do some running around I take it.

 So this afternoon I was pleased 2 transfer from the chair onto the mat. I did a little stretching but not much just taking the direction from my physical therapist. It was after some working around and doing some stretching on the side she asked me to try to push myself up from the stomach or down position just to see if I could. Well I knew that I could I mean I haven't done that particular maneuver pushing myself up to a kneeling position in quite some time but I knew I could do it I knew I had the musculature to do it. Then so I proceeded to do it and push myself up and all the sudden everybody was astounded I could not believe it. I have to admit it did take some challenging muscle work on my part but you know I expect that it's been a long time but expect everyone to go all Goofy on me. That's what they did I have to have it for a short time I was the star of the gymnasium and it felt pretty good. I think my doc, had he been around, would have even been impressed. I was pleased because does my bladder we had had a shortened physical therapy session but I've been able to pull a rabbit out of the Hat and with my push ups saved my day not that it was in jeopardy.

So today was not a cheerful day in fact it ended on a high note Bridget stop by to visit for a little bit before she had to pick up Gabriel. We had a short visit and she was on our way into the storm of snow which had begun to fall.

Tears from the 12th Floor

( this should have been posted yesterday but for some reason my tablet as been going bonkers on the 12th floor)

I am here I am actually at IMC Medical Center on the 12th floor , on the rehab unit. I have been here two days now and it feels like I've been here forever. It was a trip getting this thing accomplished at the end of the sniff time but we all got together and here I am. Got me here on the weekend meant that I have an unreal vision of what OT in PT will be like in the days to come. Most of the therapy that I've gotten has been orientational / accessing my abilities and my needs. So it'll be different when I actually get into real therapy. However today was kind of an indication in that the PT actually had me doing stuff I had never done before in an effort to strengthen my left side. I can really see this was helpful and really gives me a little bit of Hope this experience might be more positive then I anticipated. I just might be able to strengthen my left side back to some form of normality that would be too cool.

My room is small of course , it is a hospital room what do you think I have a great View of the city looking to the north which is kind of fun. I can see where Main Street takes off about 45th South and go straight North to really a great scene. kind of weird being here for therapy and using all the sidewalks and walk areas for therapeutic uses like yesterday the OT had me driving my chair all around the sidewalks of the hospital kind of weird that I did really good I mean like what else am I supposed to be doing? I mean I use of wheelchair / power chair everyday day in and day out I better be good or better be dead. I've been having my meals in my room everyday. They do say they have a common area where the meals can be served and I tried to use this area as a dining area but nobody else ever showed up. I would like to have some serve social experience but doesn't really look like it it's going to happen while I am here. Particularly since a lot of the folks who are here are major head injuries sad but true so I'm going to focus on just strengthening and getting on .

Dianne and the kids got in last night fairly early I'm surprised they got in when they did but it was good to have them back in the area. They didn't come out last night I didn't think that they should they are all pretty exhausted from the long trip. However they did come up today and it was good to see him all I mean it was just anakah Bridget and Dianne but it was fun to see him and talk with them it's been awhile. Dianne even was able to join me in some of my physical therapy and she seemed quite impressed with what I was able to do. Dianne certainly made me feel good.

So I'm in my new place and I'm doing okay. Dianne and family are home and that's great so all I have to do now this focus on getting better and waiting for the spring to come to CVS the new season will bring

I Don't Know What To Think!!!

My started the day the with a bit of trepidation , I wasn't sure what the day would bring but knew I had to get through the day just the same. I finished packing the room after breakfast and begin waited for the driver to get to the facility and I finally got everything together, the driver got there got the van packed and drove me over to the facility. I was pretty Jack'd at this point. I was met by one of the women I talked to  yesterday about transitioning into this facility the intake nurse. She gave me some pointers I thought would help out now I have second thoughts but even then I don't know if it would have made much difference. basically she said to under sell myself as far as my abilities go and its what I made sense at the time. She essentially said to show her the weakest side of my abilities in the hopes that you be able to gain skills and muscle while here.

I finally met with the intake doc around 5:30 or 6 p.m. the doc is an OK guy he is just doing his job. I pretty much was open about my disability band he was pretty straightforward with his impression. Essentially he doesn't think I am going to progress too much while I'm here - - he's thinking 2 to 3 weeks at the max. I will work, primarily on some skills like transferring dressing things like that but that's about it. He does not think I will be able to gain any strength to speak so that will help with what I need to be doing And he says I will not be able to ever get to the point of Independence I enjoyed  before the first stenosis operation back in January of 2014 and he feels I will need a significant level of assistance from this day forward IE Home Health Care alright got the impression that he won't turn me loose unless that happens just pretty damn scary. This of course is stuff I'm going to have to speak with Dianne about who pretty much wants me to be totally independent again. I do not know what will happen if I cannot reach that pinnacle of physical success . I really might have to consider some form of LTC if we cannot get affordable home health healthcare. Dianne and I have a lot to consider and to talk about when she gets home in a couple days from California. I think I'm going to hate this place when all said and done.

It's Time to Go

It's time to go, I've been here a long time almost 100 days. Time days in minutes is what they keep track of here at the Cascades very closely. Everything revolves around how many minutes of therapy you have during the day and how many days total you been allocated for your stay during rehabilitation and in my case that's 100 days.

I have to confess I'm beginning to suffer a little separation anxiety as I get closer to the end of my stay. Some of that anxiety comes from how this is all going to turn out and just how am I going to transition from this facility to the next. At the end of last week I made contact, or rather the social worker here made contact with Intermountain Medical Center rehab center where I hope to end up. I'm a little concerned in that I have to go through an interview process to ascertain whether I am an appropriate placement this kind of freaks me out but it's the way the process goes and so that's the way it is. I am also concerned because as of today, Tuesday, I have not yet heard back from IMC which I think I should have by now specially with the end of my stay at the Cascades zooming right up. The second issue I'm concerned about is that Dianne is gone to California right now with the kids for a short vacation which she certainly deserves. If I don't make it in time to the next facility and Dianne is not back to the house which means I need to stay at the house on my own. This would be for just one day or so or until they get back. This should not be a trauma and it isn't just a little concerning I just don't know how smoothly this is going to flow and am I going to transition back into my home at the end of this whole thing.

I am a little concerned at how anxious I am to return home. If I knew it was a guarantee that I'll be able to get on with my life without all the financial stress and trauma that would be one thing. I don't have that feeling of security because if I can't take care of myself it means we will be thrown back into home health care which frankly we cannot afford, does that mean I then am faced with long term care? what has been good about this day at the CasAcades is that I can face long term care I am nursing home and survive. I doubt I would get any kind of facility is nice as the Cascades has been but still I think I could manage such an institution / system if that is all I can do. Living here has been quite easy and even though I've had to deal with being away from Dianne and the house and all my things being here has been ok and in some cases enjoyable. I am in the place so I have my meals prepared for me, I have someone that gets me up in the morning and throws me to bed at night and likes me and does it happily or it seems that way. Someone actually cleans my room and helps me whenever I need it. I don't know if I could trade everything I have for such a situation but it probably could and at least I know I can survive sad as that would be. it is a shame everything always comes down to money.

So it's just now me and my room contemplate wale be like not to be here any longer. I will need start packing my room making decisions and hopefully find a place to go in just a couple more days