"21"

Tears from the 12th floor

I'm really trying to be compliant, I'm really trying to be a nice guy but you know what it's getting harder and harder for me to not the acting out can acting like a turd. The issue I'm having the past couple days has been catheters . I just can't seem to get a stockpile of catheters but I can use when I want to use them. It seems part of my Rehabilitation is to find a catheter that I can use independently but there's a problem I already have all that stuff Kama a catheter I can use independently.

It seems one of the issues I have is that while I am in the sniff as well as the hospital they have to supply my medical needs in this case we're talking about catheters. Now couple times well I've been in the bathroom using are trying to use a catheter nurses have wandered in and out and who else I don't know and I don't mind that this fact as far as who watches me or whatever in fact I kinda like that butt next thing I know is that I'm on some sort of regimen to maintain my toileting schedule. I know at one time I indicated that I'd sure like to make it through the night without having to pee but I didn't think I was saying this as a goal that I wanted to achieve I think I was just making a statement and I'm wondering if that had some form of impact on how this got started. Now all these nursing folks are trying to find the right catheter for me. and it's not like I have not said I don't need this kind of support when I do they start giving me the fish-eye making me feel very uncomfortable. it begins to make me paranoid like I'm not doing what I should be doing. we have a meeting once a week for all the docs get together and talk about what my needs are and outcomes I might be Lookin at then they write out these goals and I've got a sign on and all that kind of stuff it's kind of weird to know that they're talking about you like that. They want me to try all these new different catheters MA times I already have and it all worked out well for me and that's why I don't use the catheters. the catheters. And then I start making noises like look I'm okay you don't need to be doing this then they start giving me the fish I again and I start feeling uncomfortable and I feel that better at least go through the motions of using these catheters just to keep these guys off my back. I mean if it come up with something that looks like it'll work and I'll be happy to go ahead and use it and Incorporated in my life but that's not what I'm all about and not what I'm here for least that's what I think. I'm just here to get some strength buy some time and then get back to my home.

 I started getting into this weird habit of referring to myself as the meat when I was at the sniff . It was just something that I did that I thought was kind of cute it was also a way of me talking about how inconsequential we were as people to these folks we are just their meal ticket we are just their piece of meat for the table we are what they did to get by. Now however I really do feel inconsequential I've been here for 3 days and noticed the Habit that the staff do when referring to one of us folks on the ward are the floor and that's referring to us by our room numbers like I'm in room 1221. I'm on the 12th floor in room 21 so whenever there is a staff member with me and they get buzzed on there intercom systems they wear around their necks bill just referred to the person they're working with as in my case I'm just" 21" meaning I'm room . Never do they refer to me by my name. Maybe I just want too much