Is this the part of the movie/book/life narrative for everything changes? I hope not, but sure as hell could be. This morning in a fit of bravado I had my home health person snap a couple images of the pain in my butt. Yeah I know there's all kinds of jokes one to make on this but I think something's happening that I need to have checked out. My home health person drew in her breath space when she saw the wound, I knew then and there was bad, but dutifully Melissa took the images and I figured I would send them in the day to the medical provider I use. I saw the images and yes the wound looks bad but surely it's treatable. I spent the day trying to get a hold by medical providers to get them images of this world so that they could assign a home health nurse to come and take care of the wound on my butt. Seemed pretty straightforward to me. I had Melissa dress the wound and put some really good medicine on it and apply a breeding Band-Aid bandage or covering. And I sent Melissa on her way.
My one main health provider is an internist who I like a lot but seriously going through some life changes right now. He's getting older any sort taking on a leadership role in the practice he's in mean he's not there to do patient care like he used to be. Then I finally got a physiatrist which I saw last week for the first time. This guy should be aware of no all about problems of decubitus sores and spinal cord injuries. We'll see how things handling this quasi-emergency I find myself in. I kind of felt myself frustrated most of the day. I had to get cash for my clean person who is coming around 3 o'clock when I thought turned out to be a fast one hour trip turned into a epic trip first to the ATM at the local community college (which I broke) then to the bank itself to get a new card ordered. This'll take about 10 days at least like the other which means I have to use my debit card now. I did get the cash I needed then back to the apartment. Oh and all the time waiting for the doctor call me back which never happened. I have the calling back around 4 o'clock and got the email address to send images to an hopefully someone will look at tomorrow. Gloria, who provide some home health/help also came over to do some housecleaning. All the time sitting on my wound.
Finally this afternoon late early evening I was visiting with by ex-wife Dianne who is also a major influence in my life who very much those medical system of the problems I have. As we talk she could sense my frustration on everything I center an image of the wound I think she was going to start crying because there's so little she could do to assist me. And I'm so obstinate anyway. Dianne then did the bravest thing she could suggest that perhaps I need to possibly consider assisted-living! This totally set me off amid stupid remarks like “I would probably rather die than go into assisted-living” I guess you could interpret that as I'm not going to give up what little bit of money I finally have to go into a assisted-living and lose my ability to be independent. I think being independent is much more significant than I think it is to me. I think I shocked Dianne by my comment of death over AL I don't know if that's true. I'm way too frightened to death to give it up over principle. I'm thinking in the back of my mind that I will heal up for a quickly from this wound on my butt. Part of the problem was I got into a cushion and my chair that gave me no protection for a couple of days which made the wound bad. While cleaning this afternoon Gloria found the bladder that goes inside the cushion that protects my butt. We put the bladder into my cushion but then forgot to change out the cushion them sitting on now which is doing the damage. So many things to think about.
Dianne made a number of references to her for getting things and doing things that seniors tend to do. I've been totally blocking this crap out of my mind. Am I forgetting stuff? More than I usually do? My losing stuff? In my losing money… Recently Dianne sent me the debit cards worth $25 of $225 which I may have jettisoned thinking them email spam. Am I doing senior dumb stuff? I don't think it's any different that I've always done. Then halfway through dinner I realized I still had wash in the dryer that I put it 3 PM. Luckily today is a light washday and there were other dryers available. It's just that I totally spaced that I was washing close today primarily because it's not the day I usually wash clothes. This is a weak defense I know. But I just not ready to give up on regular living just yet. Though I would do what I had to do to stretch out my breath of life on this earth possibly even assisted living…
1 comment:
Don't give up your independent life! You do very well, and don't gaslight yourself or let others gaslight you into thinking otherwise. I have seen this often with older individuals in my life and it never turns out well. It always seems to start out the same way; you are told by someone that they cannot or should not do certain things that they always have, and slowly but surely they start believing in this downward spiral of lack of ability. Over time this belief in lack of ability becomes a reality and many time unnecessarily so. Everyone has their days of ups and downs and you will get through this like so many other things in your life. Keep your chin up and believe in yourself, because I believe in you!
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