Craggy faced Robert Redford died today. It's not like I was one of his major fans but I guess kind of deep down I was but perhaps even more than that is that he's a touchstone of my past, he always seemed to be around after a certain point. His movies are classics and he just showed up every once in awhile which I thought was cool. He also joins a host of individuals from my life and past that are all dying- - everyone's dying. Somehow I thought a lot of these icons like Robert Redford would last forever. I know there's human and they're going to perish and die in fact the image they posted of him being 89 shows a man who's pretty well thrashed and that's all right he's earned that. But what really Spooks me as each one of these folks that die brings it closer to the reality that I'm getting ready to die no I'm not being suicidal just being a bit more realistic than I like to be.
You know I don't know which is worse to live along life and have it dwindle to an end meaning that you're going to dwindle with it and little bit by little bit you're going to lose your ability to do stuff. This kind of scares me to death since I live by myself With a Little Help from My Home Health people. I suppose I'll have to have more and more assistance as I age and dwindle down in abilities. Or I could go out any day as I go about my regular life crossing streets and riding buses. I've noticed lately but I've had a number of close calls when crossing streets people not watching to see if anybody's in the intersection. Sometimes I think I can almost feel the crunch when that car that I don't see who doesn't see me rolls right over me. That's an example of somebody taking me out quickly and maybe I'm done with everything I suppose. The bright side if there is a bright side of something like this is that at least I won't have to degradate myself into submission of total assistance and of possibly going into long-term care. That seems to be a bad thing at least that's what I hear and everyone seems to fight against it and talk about it as if it's the worst thing in the world that can happen to a person. And I suppose there are those facilities that are are bad I just hope I don't inherit one of those when it's time. Every morning when I get up and I transfer from my bed to the chair I am amazed that I've gone through another night unassisted. That excites me enough to get through the rest of the day even on those days when my home health person shows up to help me with my shower and pooping. These are not pleasant things to address but it's just an example of I wouldn't have addressed these 10 years ago I would have been humiliated trying to explain about movement that was unexpected now it's just another thing that happens at this stage of life and it's acceptable somehow I think that's all kind of weird but it's acceptable
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