Christmas Eve almost 9:00 pm and I am wishing the holiday was over as I am washed over by a sea of emotions the majority of which are probably on the negative scale side of the emotive scale. Feelings of inadequacy of a parent ,of a son , husband , brother, nephew friend and on and on and on. Christmas day has turned to a nightmare of trying to meet and fit schedules. Actually it is not so much as fitting schedules as trying to make sure my mom is covered. Part of the issue is being able to physically access the place where she lives and make sure she is not by her self on Christmas day. This has never been much of an issue when mom was living with my aunt and uncle the seemed to keep themselves entertained and were miles away. I had a good excuse, not only was my mothers home not accessible she was miles away. Now mom is six blocks away. I still have to be sure someone will be at the house to make sure I can access the place. So , now I feel I have to make a reasonable attempt visit. Then my poor brother who has taken mom in is truly a saint and I am sure is caught in the same guilt ocean as I am paddling. My brother id very involved with his family and they have a Christmas afternoon movie tradition and I know mom is not going with them. So, I am thinking to myself if it were me I would be feeling pretty abandoned if I were by my self on Christmas afternoon. Actually feeling the way I am right now I would see the afternoon to myself as a gift in and of itself. But that is me, not a 90+ year old women who still believes in the Hallmark/Norman Rockwell concept of the Christmas. She is grieving the aspect that she can not the gifts she had stored in her garage in her sisters home and now she has moved to her son's home, the gifts are somewhere in his garage and she had not been able to access the gift let alone warp and get them to her hundreds of grandchildren and great grand children.
Mom went to her sister's this afternoon at 3:00 or so and I was surprised when I tried to call her a few minutes ago and she was not back yet. I am afraid she will be exhausted tomorrow and maybe prefer to sleep all of her Christmas Day.
Still there is my son who is married and who is trying make arrangements with us as to when he can be by to do the gift thing as well and this should be done before 3:00 when he has to do the Christmas thing at his wife's family. Dianne is going over to the grandchild's at 7:00. I am going to stay home and work out the arrangements of how I will get past the day with as little guilt and grief as Possible. God bless us every one!
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