Struggle

It's April and that means April showers. Already this month has brought a few very warm days with temperatures in the 70s but we have also seen much lower temperatures in fact tomorrow forecast is for snow on the valley floor and of course tomorrow being Monday is a workday. I will be out in the elements going back and forth to work in the rain and snow. That's okay, it's Spring. I don't think I've ever noticed how April is such a month of struggle. It seems the very world is struggling to pull itself out of the grasp of the frozen clutches of winter. I have never noticed how April builds off the herculean efforts of March to begin this separation process. I witness how April struggles to wrestle its self free. There was a time when I was impatient with this month, I wanted every day to be warm and dry and to be out in the month as much as I could. I would be so frustrated when the day would present itself to be cold, wet and dark and sometimes even snowy. I've grown to accept this is April, this is the way it has to be for a host of reasons. This is April's going to be cold and it's going to be wet but it's also going to be warm some days and dry and eventually beautiful more days than not. I'm at peace with this.

This is April the second month of my retirement and I am amazed at how difficult this transition is becoming. Perhaps, if I had been seeking retirement, longing for retirement, this transition would not be so difficult. But, I felt the retirement somewhat forced on me particularly physically. My body just could not tolerate continuing to work at the way I have been working. The fact that my position was no longer be funded also contributed to my decision to leave the workforce. Again, I am eternally grateful that I had a boss who went the extra mile to make sure that I had a safety net to catch my fall. I am also grateful that I had the health and the commitment to work not take off time needlessly but just when I needed to to have amassed the sick leave and vacation time I would need to bridge the gaps until I reach Social Security age. Still I am struggling. As I have noted earlier I continue to go in to my old position at 211, as a volunteer, once a week. I have enjoyed doing this, I have enjoyed staying in touch with not only my fellow workers but the feeling of occupation, being occupied one day a week not having to think what to do with my time, with myself. I've been doing some cooking, trying to do some artwork, try and do some writing but I feel I'm not doing enough. I am wasting days, I am wasting the final days of my life and that's unconscionable. I am struggling to come to grips with what to do with the days of my life. I sense that I am using my one day of work as a crutch and I will shortly have to make a decision of ceasing this behavior. I'm going to have to grow up and figure out I plan to do the rest of my life and do it.