Dreams

Blog 043018 – – Monday – – Reoccurring Dream

I don't know why but I've noticed recently I have had more and more reoccurring dreams. You know the dream which occurs over and over again or at least twice. I had such a dream this morning and the dream was a good dream as far as I can remember. I should've written it down but I did not  I thought I would surely remember the dreams content but as this day wears on my recollection of the dream becomes more and more distant. There are moments when I get a feeling of what the dream was about almost a fuzzy fuzzy image in my mind and the fuzz sharpens but when I focus on the dream the dream of course vanishes away in dream vapors. What the frustration. There is something about a detective , in the dream, and wheelchair detective and his partner but the more I think the dreams content more I'm realizing it is already been done.

On waking right after my dream I consider the dreams content has been already written about but with the dream still clear in my consciousness I can see there was a significant difference between  the dream and what i'm now thinking make this dream interesting. The dream seemed to fit itself into a script format but I was more interested in the general written form of making the dream real. However, as deeply as I try to delve into my consciousness I cannot bring this dream into focus. As always the vision keeps just beyond my reach. Maybe in the hard reality of consciousness, full consciousness the stuff of dreams is really telling and it is only within  the dreams  silly putty reality of unconsciousness/dream state do the dreams make any sense at all. As I said the dreams are reoccurring. The dream feels like an old friend when I find myself in the dream. Funny however I'm not flying or even walking. I do not see myself but I know I am still disabled but everything seems to make sense in the dream particularly if I were part of a crime-fighting team. Weird, as I write this I feel glimpses, almost there but for the other part of the dream was about and the stuff of that dream had to do specifically with my disability.

I have three or four reoccurring dreams that I recognize throughout the sleep cycles of one year. And as I said, they come to me as old friends. I'm an active participant in the dream as well as an audience viewer of the dream.  How I pull that off is anyone's guess but I do and it seems most logical and the time. Either way I'm excited to hit the sack each night to find out what will transpire in the next segment and hope beyond hope that my dream catcher does the job and keep the bad guys out. However there's one thing I'm going to do from now on. I am going keep next to my bed the tablet in the form of a cell phone – – actually I already do this – – but I'm going to force myself when I have such a dream to wake up enough to write down the basics of the dream perhaps a little bit of what intrigued me so much about the dream. Who knows what this will produce but surely, will cut down on the anxiety I have now and not being able to remember such exquisite art forms.

Dem Bones!

Today turned out to be somewhat beautiful to look at but a bit challenging to be in even if the temperatures were in the 70s. I was a couple times to test the weather and each time the cool drove me back in the apartment. I have spent the entire day nurse-maiding a pot of beans. Pinto beans I've had such good luck in the past doing pinto beans I was quite surprised that this batch has been so difficult. I purchased what I thought was a package of ham hocks but turned out to be neck bones. I'm sure the neckbones well be all right the bones are just awkward in the crockpot full of beans water green peppers chopped and onions chopped.

My butt hurts today I don't know why. I don't think it's pressure I just hope is not cleanliness after all it's the second day and tomorrow Dana returns. I am pleased that I've gotten everything I needed Saturday so I did not have to go out today. The wash is done leaving me to focus on my beans. I got up late, not sleeping very well so I really didn't have a good breakfast except for a slice of spam but actually I opened an slice last night so it would be easy access to make a great breakfast this morning then I blew off the opportunity. I also got the hamburger out to de-thaw. The hamburger bled over everything. Truly turned into a pain in the butt. Thought about meat loaf or maybe meatloaf patties but the day ran out of time or I ran out of energy or my butt hurts too bad. I did some drawing and watched a movie. I really appreciate the ream of paper Mark gave me a couple months ago is working very good for this art project of red donkeys and black donkeys, apocalyptic donkeys. I need to be drawing every day. My relationship with my Neverland friend is very good for me and my trying. I'm just amazed how much drawing they do, real artists. She teaches art/trying all day and then draws all night it seems like. I communicated with her a little on Friday she was just out the door to Rome! What an interesting life she leads she is truly a professional. However, when I chat with her I like to tell her I've been drawing she likes to hear this, I think. I'm somewhat embarrassed when she sees my work but she's very supportive and I like that.

For some reason like beans are like tender today so I'm going to cook them into oblivion even I have to leave them warm all night long. I would not mind if they turned into frijoles by data that would happen I think I used way too much liquid. I was also surprised at how much fat the neck bones rendered . I don't think these beans are going to be as good as others I've made. However I've enjoyed the process even though I destroyed my kitchen once again. The cleaning woman comes on Tuesday.

Woof

I woke up confused, I actually thought today was Sunday. The day did not feel like Sunday however,my mind kept trying to adjust and hit “reboot” and finally I slipped into Saturday mode and all was well. The day felt perfect for Saturday. By the time I wandered in the consciousness this morning the time was almost 7:30 AM. I enjoyed more sleep than I usually and I felt fine. I woke up with an excitement I was going to fulfill a small promise I made myself earlier in the week that was to take in a movie I've been following a couple of weeks. I was a little worried that I had not yet gone to this movie and was a little afraid the movie would leave before I was able to take it in. Especially with the summer blockbusters beginning to surface. I thought about going to the latest Stan Lee offering but I figured X-Men would be around for some time. So I went to Isle of Dogs at Asian gift of animation that I quite enjoyed. I'm not quite sure I fully understand what happened in the movie but I got the general impression. I may watch it again if it comes out on Amazon prime or the red box, there were only three or four others in the theater with me. The theater cannot be making much on audiences this small to tell thanks Ithem how to run their business I just got a great but hey who am IThe film has been playing for weeks I'm surprised it is hung around as long as it has I'm just glad it has and I finally got to watch.

I actually caught the bus early and made my way to the bank/credit union deposited most of the money my brother Carl had given me yesterday for the reimbursing me for my payment on park pavilion for the reunion this June. I was still quite pleased at having been part of the solution to what could have been a pesky problem and I was also pleased with myself for not spending the cash as I usually do in these kind of situations – – I tend to treat the money as a gift and not pay back piss the cash away. I actually went out of my way, on a Saturday morning, to find out whether or not the credit union was even open and plowed the money back into my checking account. I have to admit however that I waited until the movie was over.

Keep in mind that the whole day took place in beautiful weather, the winds picked up in the afternoon but the temperature was in the 70s almost 80. Granted, a low-pressure systems coming in tonight pushing those temperatures back downback in the 60s which will feel like freezing compared to the beautiful afternoon temperatures up today but that's okay I got to enjoy today. I stopped at the market on the way home from the movie and got some pork neck bones from being I am it for tomorrow and the rest of the week. It's been almost a perfect day. I've been out doing things, being productive and somewhat responsible. I don't know how many more days like this I will have been sure thankful for this do I need to say anymore?

Clean Woman Blues

Cleaning Woman  Blues

My home health person/my attendant care person was in today to do shower and toileting as she does every Friday. She looked around my place and asked if my clean person has flaked out on me… Again. I said yes and Dana my attendant asked if the reason was because of illness something other. I try to remember it was something like my thinking persons husband was home on the day scheduled for her visit and she asked if she could spend time with her husband and I of course said “yes”. My attendant was not being judgmental she was just commiserating with me because she is kind of searching for a home cleaning person but she reconsiders whenever she hears stories like mine. I know something needs to be done relatively soon. Last week one of the ladies who lives here(this is the same lady who led the attack on me last week about my beliefs on natural selection) at the apartment complex brought over some fried potatoes and she looked around my unit and quietly asked or suggested that she could get a couple of ladies together at the apartments to comment in “give me a hand” if I needed. No, I assured her I was just waiting for my cleaning lady. Still her attitude reminded me of when I lived in the house on Utahna drive and the neighbor across the street actually hired a lawn cutting crew to come in and mow my yard because my yard had not been cut in a couple of weeks. I was definitely receiving the same vibe.

I really like my cleaning person, I think we work really good together. I had people in my life coming into my home on a more regular basis… I mean visitors , people I cared how they felt about how I lived perhaps I be bit more stringent but as it is I know Cindy well, around eventually and I will have a clean or at least organized living environment. I knew when I engaged Cindy that she had some health issues indicating her frequency and commitment to times fixed maybe sketchy. What I really like about Cindy is that she used to be a CNA or personal attendant so she knows many ways that my needs are. I also feel comfortable in asking her for help (if I should need help in a CNA kind of way) and I could call on her and this means a lot to me. So it goes both ways I give her great latitude as she does me.

I'm going to drag out the vacuum cleaner at some point this weekend and go over the living room rug and pick up a little bit here and there. Straighten up my rack and for some dishes away. It's still about five days before Cindy is scheduled and I want to make sure my living environment is somewhat presentable. One never knows who is going to come knocking on the door and once these old ladies start talking then it's all over.

Super Charge And More!

I'm sitting here patiently waiting for my chair to charge. I usually charge my chair every night. There are those nights when I no I do not have to go anywhere the next day I don't charge but usually after a hard day of rolling the pavement I charge. Last night however I realized my chair has major problems my equipment needs attention. I should've attended to this fact long before last night but I didn't realize how severe the problem had become. To my knowledge I have only two chargers left in my wheelchair charger arsenal (I used to have about six). Little by little have used them up.

The problems I have now are one charger connector plug has come undone. I set that charger aside and started using my backup which worked okay for a couple of days until I ran over the connector one morning and separated the connector from the major cord. The connector was still more or less intact could I still more or less use the device to charge my chair which I did until a couple nights ago when the charger began to blink red. I did some research and found out when your charger flashes red this is not a good is not a good thing. I should've dropped everything right then made arrangements to get something fixed. Last night I tried to use the wire hanging charger and when I went to press it into the charging slot on my power chair there were sparks in the acrid smell something was definitely wrong and I certainly did not want to damage power chair's control box which would be major expensive. So I went the night without charging knowing next day I have to head over to first chapter on this charge and more importantly I have to figure out a way to power my chair when the charge in the battery exhausts itself.

The only option I figured I had was to head out right after the coffee club's over to Create and have Tom the coordinator look at my problem. I made a call to find out if he'd be in and he was. And taking both chargers with me because I really need two chargers one in the bedroom next to my bed or a charge all night and one by my computer in the living room where, if I need to do an emergency charge I can while I write, watch movies or just search on the Internet. My plan was to have Tom fix the one charger which I pretty much knew was an easy fix. I knew someone who knew what they were doing could easily undo the connection and then reassemble the connector the correct way. I kind of wanted Tom just to swap out the bad charger with another charger and if that doesn't work maybe he can fix that charger somehow. I want to do this and get back to the apartment where I can then charge my chair for a couple hours before Next Chapter.

I am kind of surprised how fast I got to Create and I was right, Tom undid the charger and then put the device back together, the way it's supposed to be and the job was done. Tom did not swap out the charger as I was hoping but he is going to splice a new connector onto the cord and that charger should be good as new. I got back home and started charging. My indicator looks like I still have a good half charge left… I probably could've made it to book club back but I did not want to take the chance. I am sitting here charging.

Well I made it, the indicator on my controller did not look any different than before I started charging but in my heart I knew I had a good two hours charge in the batteries. I sailed like a champ there and back again. And tonight I'm going to give it a good long charge so I will be up for what ever the weekend might bring..:-)

Sorrow

Is getting weird it seems as if death is working overtime right now along the Wasatch front. A friend of mine recently lost a child like friend or a friend of one of her kids that was always there and felt like a child of hers but he overdosed last week. I got word that my aunt Elaine has been admitted to hospice at one of the long-term care facilities in the area and it is just now a matter of time before she passes. This morning when I called the ramrod for a program I am a member of to find out where our meeting was,  I was informed that the leader of this group, the person I've known for 30 years, as long as I've been in Utah, had passed. For me this was

 a lot to contemplate. The lad who overdosed I really did not know except through my friend. So I'm not too invested with Brandon though he seem like a good person I wish he had a chance to get past his youngness. My aunt is in her 90s and my friend Barbara who passed was 89. Two grand old ladies  I will dearly miss.

Barbara was a legend. She was an Army nurse during the Korean conflict it was during this time she contracted polio leaving her paraplegic. People in wheelchairs in the 50s were rare but they began to become more visible because the polio epidemic. Barbara survived in Salt Lake pretty well however in the 80s Barbara became involved with independent living movement. Barbara became radicalized and she never looked back. I met her around 1984. I've just been employed with the local Independent living center and she was on the Board of Directors. It took a while for Barbara to become radicalized Barbara looked like your grandmother or relief society president a benevolent leader of the local ecclesiastical women's organization. Whereas she might've looked benevolent and she was a great and wonderful grandmother she is also radically committed to the rights of people with disabilities and other populations disenfranchised from the main population of our community here in Utah. Barbara was committed to making the public transit system accessible, wheelchair accessible housing more available to people who needed housing. Barbara was also active on the national front for accessible transportation. As recent as a few months ago Barbara was in Washington DC protesting for one thing or another to do with disability. As a rule she went to protests twice a year. Barbara was a national icon in the disability rights movement. Barbara will be missed.

Death is a natural part of life, except that, kind of. It's weird to think of these people gone to somewhere else. I will miss my aunt Elaine and she finally passes in the not-too-distant future. She has been frail for the past 10 years and I'm quite frankly surprised she's made it this long. We were fairly close in a distant sort of way. I loved who she was and how she loved me. Aunt Elaine accepted me as I was and always appreciate that consideration. But aunt Elaine is tired and she desperately misses uncle Jess and wants to get back to him as soon as she can shuffle off this mortal coil.

There is too much death right now I will be glad when this time passes.

Checking My Options

I'm kind of excited. Little by little I have been piecing together tools I need to begin minimal production of some low-tech assistive technology. I genuinely miss producing my hooks taking a piece of wood from the furniture mill dumpster and then with the aid of tablesaw, hand orbiter ,sandpaper and drill then turn that piece of wood from this raw material into a functional piece of equipment to assist folks live more independently. Long time readers of this document will note numerous postings where I speak about my hooks, their production and their use so I don't really feel the need to really go into that too much here except that when I left the house/my garage-shop I did not know what my options were going to be for doing anything like what working. I left all my tools behind and just tried to find new living situations. Landing at the apartment complex where I live now. I have had over a year to figure out some options and the options are kind of exciting.

Living in a place over a year certainly allows a person time to realize what they have. Even though it looked like I felt like I did not scramble very hard , I was scrambling . open writerI got situated in a nice place --I was down lucky. I was challenged as well as my abilities to live independently. Luckily I have some physical help from home health professionals. I have clothes that seems to work  but my wardrobe is wearing out. Dianne used to buy all my clothes and keep me dressed fairly decently, Dianne is now out of the picture so trying to find another resource to help me find clothes that look good and fit properly. I did find someone but she vanished when Sears vanished. I have my wheels underneath me now and am feeling much more confident. I think I know what I can do I've been given options for my workshop. I sent away for a folding workbench. This bench has a built in end clamping system but I'm looking around for a vice that I can put on the bench. I worry that the bench is not very sturdy after all cost the bench cost only $19. I am expecting that piece in any day. I stopped the pawnshop last week and picked up a drill for five bucks. I ordered a chuck key in from Amazon for about five bucks. Yesterday, I got a quarter inch spade from True Value across the street which Ihave already used to prepare a fingernail clipper. Now as soon as the bench arrives I am hoping to repair some of the hooks around my apartment and make a couple more.Now I need to get one of my friends and family members to head over to the furniture mill in Murray to pick up some stock that I may have around to work on my project. I want to make make sawdust, I want to release a smooth rounded stick from his rough square form. I want to twist the hook into its end making a tool, something completely useful… I just want to be useful.

Mark's Art in the Park

About 10 years ago (See blog posts around 2008 or search "broadcast") I was involved in doing a program called Access Utah Now. Access Utah Now was a interview show I get almost weekly for about a year. I love doing this show. I would interview, usually, an executive director of one of the local private nonprofit agencies or programs or state programs which assisted people with disabilities are in some cases low income. The format was half hour show whenever I could talk to folks into coming to the office for an interview. We are very low budget of course I was the talent in my other operator was the technical side. The operator was Tory and she was great and when Tory quit I had our office executive assistant act as the technician. I used a program I found on the Internet which allows you to broadcast through your computer camera. I surprised myself and everyone else our staff at how many of us as I headed up broadcasting it was kind of a high point of my employment life actually. I even got an award from the state which I know is hokey and I forgot all about it until last week when I went over my resume I pulled out for the theater application for work.

Yesterday when I was in the park sketching enjoying the sunshine I begin pondering an idea which I thought might be fun. I was thinking I could do a broadcast/podcast about my life as it is these days not dissimilar to Meadowlarks Mind except rather than the written form the podcast would be of course video so maybe it would be a podcast is much videocast I don't know if that makes that much difference the point when the I would be broadcasting again. The technology has greatly increased for doing such an event. When we get a Access Utah with other cutting-edge using a laptop computer for the camera. The office actually got us a laptop specifically for a Access Utah. Nowadays you certainly can't use a laptop but you can also use your cell phone are your tablet which will provide good quality feed. I would just need some support to help with the project. I'm thinking that maybe drafting some of the folks here at the apartments to hold the camera if I should elect a do a broadcast. I suppose I could figure out a way to prop the camera/tablet in such a way to allow me to do the podcast. Oh, and the broadcasts are now called podcasts. Before I used a broadcast service called Ustream.tv. It was a remarkably simple operation and what I really liked was a catalog all of my broadcasts. The only bad part was after I'd stopped broadcasting I think they ended up dumping all my shows. Some people have told me the shows are still out there somewhere but I have not been able to find them and Ustream does not seem to have that either. It's not that I really want to watch any of these productions again except for amusement or to share with other people.

Don't know how seriously I'm going to pursue Mark In The Park but the project is something fun to think about and I will think about it. If not just for the summer to see where it goes…

Marks on Paper

I love making marks on paper whether those marks are letters which form words which in a sense draws or paints a picture for the reader in their minds eye. Then there is making marks the other way, actually making marks on paper in such a way these marks render an image or an idea. I of course enjoy making marks always but of late I am focusing making marks on paper more than ever I before. Part of the reason I believe is this focus I have been on in trying to find an instructor whether at a community college or otherwise. Isn't there a fable , saying or is a backdoor something like “when the student is ready a master will appear”? Oddly enough the master has appeared kind of.

For the past couple of years I have been following two or three artists that I've come upon. I found these artists on Facebook oddly enough. I found the one and then exploring their “friends” I found a few others. These artists are all in the Netherlands which is kind of interesting. Actually, the first artist was in French-speaking Québec. Her marriage dissolved while I was following her and she moved back to the Netherlands. I marvel at these people who work as artists, art is their livelihood. I am so impressed. Anyway, one of these artists whose work I find it intriguing I actually left the message on Messenger and she responded. Interestingly it's a little difficult to carry on communication with someone who is eight hours distance from. However, when this individual found I was also very interested in drawing and myself drawing whenever I could she informed me that she was a professor in the area of commercial art. She indicated she would be happy to instruct. I do not know if this is what I want however just visiting with this person has encouraged me to draw more frequently than I have been. She wants to look at my work and critique my work. This is a little spooky for me and I really don't know how much I could learn from long-distance teaching but hey I want to give it a shot. We will see.

A year ago my son purchased a box of paper at what he thought was a deal and I think it was if you are in the market for legal size computer paper. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with that much oversized paper but I told him I'd be happy to take ream (I think arenas like 500 pages). I wasn't sure what I was going to do with that much oversized paper but I have found these oversized pages work excellently for my art. I do not have dealt for making image after image on this paper which I almost immediately throw away or through or throw away when I'm finished with that session. In fact I may even try to get some more if my paper source holds onto his cache. Earlier last week I stopped at the community College and picked up an art clipboard you know the kind of big rubber bands. Weatherwise today is a beautiful I took my clipboard and markers and went to the park across the street from my apartment's and drew. It was crazy at first difficult since I didn't have something to rest my clipboard on but then I found these tables picnic tables with elongated ends which allowed wheelchair to easily fit under. Fantastic! I knew these picnic tables for their but I never considered why these tables are longer, unobstructed at one end – – and I should know this! Great honk, accessibility was part of my career.

I have everything I need to move my drawing the next step, even without enrolling at the community College, which I still plan on doing some time.

Armrests And Hope

I have been trying to reach Brian the wheelchair guy for the past three or four days, ever since he left a message about the motors, I'm thinking about getting on the new power chair if and when I orderat. Actually I am a little confused from what he says Brian makes it sound like possibly he is working on an order now to send to the insurance people about further refinements to power chair I'm using currently. I asked about the reality of getting larger motors and he said he would check into it anyway, he got back to me or to my answering service that, yes he can get the motors but the trade-off would be I would lose much of  ability to climb hills in trade for the speed I crave and he continued saying that not only would the ability to climb hills take a hit but the larger motors would also drain the battery's that much quicker. This information really did not surprise me I kind of thought the larger motors might have not only that but with my weight that's also got a be a drain on the batteries.This kind of threatens me however I find few hills and I could possibly live with the drain on the battery… I have before and got fine.

One of the things that has vexed me ever since I got this chair has been the armrests. I'm still trying to wrap my head around why anybody would want to put quick release arms on a power chair like I've got. To store! In the rear for the armrests traditionally is bolted on the chair instead of bolts holding the arm onto the chair there is a quick release button. When one presses this button it must engage something like a ball bearing which allows the arm to quickly become unhinged from the chair. This is the principle for quick release tires on solid frame manual wheelchairs. This technology allows the user to quickly pop off the wheels and store them in the back and allow the chair to be put in the back of the car. I was surprised the generalized the technology to armrests which is still good. If one presses too hard against the armrests that actually will pop the armrest off which just happened to me number of times. Because my scoliosis (which is getting worse and worse) I throw now, a great deal of weight to my right side pushing against the armrest. Casey, my occupational therapist, is also provided me with a 2 inch form piece that I wedged between myself and the armrest which allows me to sit a bit straighter in my chair the only problem is this past to the pressure against the armrest. During the season of inclement weather or cold weather I will wear a jacket of course adding to the pressure against the side of the chair and eventually the quick release button pops off. Now that I wear my seatbelt most of the time when this happens the popping off of the armrest at least they in my chair if not I can see myself falling out of my chair. When this arm becomes disengaged from the main body of the chair I am at, I feel, great risk because the site also houses the joy sick I used to drive my chair. It's very difficult to drive the chair with this arm piece down. Again, if I'm lucky and I have the side of the chair and lock in to its housing arm just sort of the way down however if that peace is not locked into its housing than the arm hangs loose hanging on to the chair only by the court from the drive box and this is very dangerous. The arms, disengaged a number of times when I have been transferring my bed to the chair in the mornings. The drive box is quite heavy and add significantly to the weight of the arm and at times it is all I can do to stay in my chair and tried to lift this disengaged arm at the same time and try to put it back onto the chair. At first I cannot do this now I can but is still difficult and disheartening.

In meeting with my provider, Brian, I brought this up and he almost nonchalantly said yes the company's discontinuing that feature. I was so pleased to hear this that I pretty much lost my anger at being put in this position for as long as I had suffered with this defect. So, the new chair should have permanently attached arms and in the meantime we're going to figure out the specs for the right side of my chair.

So I'm almost a ecstatic about repairsto my chair and having open conversation with my OT and durable medical provider this reality is almost more than I can bear. I just hope I can get the process started and repaired before anything that really happens

Silence Is Golden

I wish I were smarter and more self-controlled and a pretty long way from my outbursts of earlier todays. I've been pretty well from staying away from traps, verbal traps. I'm not saying what happened on Thursday morning was a verbal trap but I certainly got caught up in something. Maybe because it was Thursday and I had a lot going down yesterday all and I was anxious to put my face in to the group and be done with that and then out on the road to catch the bus northbound to find a pawn shop.

It was the regular Thursday morning coffee group. I was a little groggy having trouble sleeping the night before but not as bad as many times. I was doing pretty well keeping up with the chitchat going on with the ladies. I still don't remember the circumstances that led into this discussion but all of a sudden my was asked something which evoked a reply for me about supporting views of Charles Darwin and natural selection. Suddenly the conversation stopped at my table and two ladies who I think a great deal of turned to me and asked if I was joking ever sure I was joking because of there is there is no way I could support anything that evil as natural selection. In the ensuing minutes a very nice older immigrant northern Europe area gave testimony of her conviction Jesus Christ and that Charles Darwin was a emissary of the devil. Janet, good friend of mine that this group asked if I can explain to her why I felt the way that I did which I recognized as a setup for a Christian attack. Red flags went up everywhere inside my head. I immediately wanted to go for the throat but I held back trying to keep from being too combative. In doing so somehow Donald Trump came up in the conversation which again I nearly salivated and went to pounce as the European lady swore allegiance to the GOP monster. I attacked she supported the president and the rest of the ladies at the table who looked like deer in the headlights, began to join the conversation by pressing the unwritten rule that discussions of religion and politics were not welcome at the tables. I tried to refrain but the way just Sticking me with openings I cannot resist.

I hate these kind of discussions and I try not to be part of them but once I am drug in such a discussion I call for blood – my mean comes out, I want to hurt the person, I want to destroy the person. The moderator at the discussion, the plant from management just wilted and vanished into herself. What seemed like an eternity but was really just a few seconds passed we quickly found the trail back to middle land and got through the rest of the morning. The first chance I got a vanished and got out of my day try not to worry about the events of the coffee group. I noticed a strain today cruise around the common area. I have not run into Clarice or Janet. I don't anticipate any issues except for now Clarice is vowed to save my soul. I think sees saving my soul as her calling…

Words – Words – Words

The blog is dead. I heard this the other day on NPR not most direct words but essentially the same thing. The commentator was babbling on about how the concept of the blog is dying out because blogs are taking too long to read. I certainly can appreciate that got to the thinking about all the other platforms especially twitter: which used to regulate you to X amount of characters (I don't know if that's true any longer because I see a lot tweets out there want within 144 characters or whatever limit used to be). I guess this revelation does not really surprised me. Everything does seem to be condensing is just weird that's all.

For me the death of the blog does not faze me. I really do not have that many subscribers are followers probably no more than six and I think those of fallen due to boredom and or divorce. Again that does not bother me. I did not start writing my blog for recognition – – though the recognition would've been fun as narcissistic as they seem to be – – I developed by blog so I would have a platform to publish on. I really don't need to publish, well actually I do, I need to write. Something inside me wants me to write if I don't have an organ like Facebook I don't think I will write everyday and I need to write every day if I'm going to play like I'm a writer. It was hard to write everyday at first luckily I started when I was working and I had an hour every morning before the phone started ringing. That was when I stopped reading other people's blogs and began writing one of my own. I really have hardly told anyone that I write a blog. Sometimes I tell people I have a blog and they even visit my blog once or twice but then I think they become overwhelmed with the words, so many words. As those of you who read my blog with any regularity you know my goal is to write 500 words, at least, everyday. I try to do this I have well over 1000 posts to my blog in the secret I must tell you is that I am beginning to go over 500 words a on a regular basis. That's kind of exciting to me. Now, I need to really begin to extend my stride and begin writing fiction on a regular basis. How cool would that be?

I was able to unpack my resume from the PDF file that I downloaded yesterday. Big problem, the resume construction did not survive the unpacking so basically I have my resume on word are some other platform without proper formatting. So the next couple days I will spend formatting my resume. I may have somebody else just retype the resume, who knows?. My luck now is that I will get hired at the movie theater and really start working again which will suck to some degree now that I am writing. We shall see.

The blog may be dead but I doubt the blog form will ever disappear. Every post that a writer posts is a little part of themselves out on the Internet. Blog writers are narcissistic in nature they have to be why else would they spend their time writing and throwing their thoughts and feelings out in the ether for anyone to look at? The answer is publishing your blog meets a primal need in their/my Constitution that up until the Internet came along was almost impossible to fill. If nothing else my blog makes me feel like I am a writer and therefore me the blog will never die.

A Bit Of Over Kill

All I want to do is take tickets, maybe answer the phone, maybe even vacuum the floor something low-level. I was really hoping the process would be talking to the theater manager explaining to him what I'd be interested in doing and seeing if he would be receptive to whatever. Of course I kind of got the bum's rush by being given a brochure and being told I have to apply online.

Near as I can tell Regal theaters is a national chain and all their hiring is done through company central office somewhere in Tennessee. This was kind of disheartening because I also recognize this modus operandi as a way to basically bums rush the applicant right out the back door. I have seen this method used of places that I worked at, hell I've used this method to get individuals I don't necessarily want to deal with at the work/employment setting right out the back door. Someone today laughed when I told them about this and said “karma” and she is right I suppose my karma is just coming back on me, chickens coming home to roost and I'm sure this half a dozen scriptorial references for the same. The local guys take no responsibility they just pass the buck up the chain until the buck gets to Tennessee. I still cannot get the teenagers are zombies taking my tickets every time I go to the movies out of my head and think to myself 'I can do that'. Somebody had to hire these yokels and these yokels had to fill out the application online just like I'm having to  maybe it's all just process.

I smiled to myself and stuffed the Regal propaganda the kid behind the window shoved at me, when I told them I wanted the application,deep into my backpack. Of course I cannot find the paper in my backpack this morning so I went to the Internet and searched until I found the online application. I filled out the application's best as I could, until I came to the one part which was to include a resume. I have not both of m resume for years. I thought I was finished with such documents. Actually, a couple of years ago right after retirement I was thinking of volunteering at my local hospital but was stonewalled when the volunteer wannabe had to submit a formal application with an attached resume! That was the last time I really thought that my resume and I refuse to put that much work into a volunteer position. Anyway today I panicked and I realized I did not have a copy of my resume that I'm aware. Perhaps, on the hard drive of the computer Dianne now owns there is a copy but I do not have access to that. There was a “skip” button at the bottom of the page which I selected which took me to a page or I can fill out information on my last three jobs you know the drill. As I filled out this material I kept thinking I wonder if my last place of employment has kept my file and if so there would be a resume there. I called my old office, the director retired last week, and my personal contact (that I still had) at the office was able to find my resume. My resume is a PDF file or on a PDF file that you sent to write over. Theoretically, I am almost a happy member of this theater group "family". I actually have my own page on the theater on page that stores all my work related information i.e. resume. Now I have a password and identity I can go back in and edit my page and submit my resume in the PDF format. I do not want to do that however until I can change a few things like phone number and address and have the resume resembled more of a resume of a person who is retired. To do this I must change the PDF file to a regular document make the changes then send the updated resume to the theater group. All I want to do is take tickets this seems a bit overkill to me.

Tax day

Tax day today is tax day, actually tomorrow is tax day because the federal government has a glitch in their computer systems. Irregardless of tax day being today or tomorrow I'm not filing this year. I'm a little spooked, no question about it, but talk to at least three people who should know and they indicate that I don't need the file taxes as I have no earned income. What income I do receive has already been taxed I suppose Social Security and pension. This of course all makes sense to me but you know bureaucracies especially the federal bureaucracy with me a little uncomfortable but let's see what happens. Worst-case scenario I get fined and have to pay taxes. Even if I have to pay taxes can't be that much because I don't have that much zero from zero is still zero.

Snow fell during the night actually it was snowing when I went to bed last evening and it was still snowing this morning when I woke. Tuesday morning I wasn't sure if we would have a meeting at Assist, Inc.I was prepared to go in for the meeting as I see kind of excited to get out the foul weather wearing my foul weather gear but of course, David elected not to have a meeting and promises one for next Tuesday. It was like a snow day. I was out of school and I was going to make the best out of it. I was like waking up some of the time I got finished talking to David and visiting with Prof. Elshke in the Netherlands and by the time I got dressed the morning was nearly finished. I started my workout routine on the arm bike and then decided it had down to the moviehouse. I think I'm making it financially but just barely. I probably do better than that was too much work to figure it out. Either way I need to, I feel have a little more income. I've been toying with an idea for a few weeks now. Whenever I go to the movies a couple blocks from the apartments and always amazed at the ticket takers – – there either almost feeble or adolescent zombies. I always say to myself as I did find my tickets “I can do that”. So today I decided I was going to fill out an application for work at this moviehouse. I figure what the hell even if there's hardly any pay that's okay I understand from visiting with some of the movie staff they get to watch all the movies free and are not working. I figure even if I just got minimum-wage and a few hours a week I'll bet I can cover the cost of a little bit more home health care. I asked what seemed to be management there a theater for a resume he just handed me a brochure which indicated the company's website and set I needed to apply online. This of course makes sense and I will do so. I asked him if he thought I had a chance he rolled his eyes and gave me the “look around” look that said yeah, you have a chance.

Going back into a employment worries me a little bit especially having to be on my butt for sure and for a significant amount time not that I'm not now. It's just that it all changes when there's money involved. But seriously, the place just down the street. I use the bus to get there and back but I rolled numerous times. I'm dependable and not be willing to take shifts that may not be easy to fill as well as I could be back up to cover shifts at a moments notice. A phone call that I could be here at 10, 15 minutes plus I wanted to wear dorky company shirt.

To Be or Not To Be... On Facebook?

Another Monday and a stiff wind blows from the South ,meaning one thing: a storm storm is bearing down on the Wasatch front. Weather reports indicate the storm will be in this evening sometime late tonight or early tomorrow morning with plunging temperatures and possibly snow to the valley floor. Makes sense, tomorrow is Tuesday and David over at Assist has promised to have a meeting of the advisory board tomorrow. I participate on the citizen advisory board for an organization which helps elderly and low income folks with architectural issues. If we have the meeting I will go regardless, weather does not faze me as far as this meeting goes. I just bundle up in the jacket and bus in from 11 o'clock meeting. I certainly hope David does not cancel the meeting. I'm the youngest member of the group and the weather does not affect me as it does the others so either way I have things to keep me busy.

I got an interesting Facebook posting from one of my childhood/adolescent friends one who I just reacquainted with the last five or six years his name is Edward or just Ed. Ed announced his farewell to his many Facebook followers. Ed did not give a reason he just said he was leaving Facebook and canceling his account and his page. I quite liked Ed growing up . I did not meet him until the seventh-grade. We had a couple of classes together and we hung around the same group. Of course, Ed was one of the people I lost contact with following my accident. He of course I with his life, high school, the military (Vietnam) and University and then a very successful career and technology. I was just blown away when I met him again a few years ago. His life is so successful and professional I would never have imagined that success am so proud of Ed. Edward finished his soliloquy in his Facebook suicide by saying those who wished were welcome to write him or call him to keep in touch. I will give it a few months to see if one he stays away from FB and to gauge how much I want to keep in contact with a good friend.

I'm curious about what is going to happen with the whole FB phenomenon particularly with all the publicity going down about digital security and what Mr. Zuckerberg is going to do about it. I kind of think people don't really care. The beauty and wonder of being ability to instantly stay in contact with people you've known, and grown with and love all of your life is so much more important than digital security. Come on, the giant corporations were screwing us already at least with Facebook it feels like were getting something for all our cyber indiscretions. I know I'm going to keep my account in fact I would actually consider doing a subscription if the cost was not too much. I don't like twitter very much nor the other platforms which is because I'm old and I don't like change. And now because our “commander-in-chief” users twitter as much as he does is all the more reason. The other platforms are just too complicated or I don't see the need. I can get in all the trouble I need on Facebook ;-)

Something Differet

What a perfectly beautiful day! We were socked in with dark menacing clouds this morning and it looked cold outside but I was still excited about the day. I was late getting up I decided to cook breakfast anyway. I have been promising myself GARBROC for a number of days and decided they would be the day. I had corned beef and I had to check to be sure that I had the broccoli crowns and the crowns not turned too yellow and that I had the other ingredients. I found a movie on Amazon and worked hanging up yesterdays wash. I even spent some time sketching. I'm feeling motivated after visiting with my Dutch friend who is a professional artist as well as a professor in graphic arts. The day has been productive and best of all the sun came out.

I checked the movie schedules as well as the bus schedules and decided there was nothing I wanted to watch right now and public transit runs a very conservative route schedule time on Sundays. The buses run just once an hour on Route 217 and I'm sure the 47 Route is just a slow. As a rule I try not to go to the market on Sunday – – it just feels right a holdover from my youth – – I still have a great deal of salad but I'm running out of dressing ,Zesty Italian. I promised myself I would only spend cash  in my wallet and not use plastic. I have to admit I'm somewhat proud of myself by keep my promise even though I did some impulse purchasing. Two bottles addressing instead of one,one pear and here's what Ican really impulsed on, Tortino's pizza i.e. frozen pizza. A nice little frozen midsize pizza on sale for a $1.77! Back in the good old days Tortino's offered a fairly good sized frozen pizza for a dollar and if you're really lucky on sale $.75. They are perfect little individual pizzas at a perfect price. I would buy five of these is little guys on the weekend then eat one pie a night all week long. Many people hate these pizzas characterizing the crust as cardboard and I cannot mention their comments regarding the toppings. Me however I love the crunch of the crust and I love the ability to jazz up whatever minimal toppings are included with the pizza with my own toppings which I did tonight cheddar cheese, green peppers, chopped sausage, and onions all ingredients I had already processed from scrambled eggs I had made earlier in the week. Remarkably, and I set off the smoke detector and fire alarm only once. I figured this was going to happen especially when I opened the oven door to remove the pizza. I have my cell phone with me and it took a minute but I finally roused the resident advisor was asleep in her oversized chair who can turn off the alarms from her living room and cancel the arrival of the fire department who supposedly gets notified every time I set my alarm off.

I almost dumped the pizza when I put it in the oven and again on retrieving the superhot pie 21 minutes later amid a blaring of three different apartment alarms. I got the pizza out  and placed on my work area and cut up the pie with my rocker knife. I loved the pizza. I ate way more than I should have totally enjoying the flavor. What a treat? I did not need to go to the market I have perfectly good leftovers that I would love to eat. I'm still working on the spaghetti I made on Wednesday or Thursday. Sometimes though just have to treat yourself to something different

Artistic Hope

My other brother is an artist, he should have been. He certainly has a gift for art, one I have always been envious. There is art in me I might even be an artist but I'm not a very good artist – I have had no formal training in the way of art. I have always messed around at sketching. I have always liked making marks, where ever I can on paper, on wood,walls any service I can get my hands on. I wish I had payed closer attention to this need to make marks growing up but I never did. I wish someone had seen my attempts and encouraged me are on into the art field. Alas, no one did. I can still remember in seventh grade when we were given the documents that fell out about classes we were electing to take I saw “art”and I really wanted to take it but was afraid that I would be a fun of if I did. I think I took German or speech instead. I wish I had done art.

Over the years, especially in university I was always purchasing art supplies mainly sketching pencils, a tablet here and there or ink pens. I would hang out in the liberal arts building, where the art classes were instructed and where arethe majors hung out and wished I was part of that group. I loved the art exhibits in the halls of the LA building every semester. I especially loved the smell of oils, Clay and paper from the various art classes would seem to permeate the building. Even now I continue my quest to audit art classes at my local community college. As I've written about recently I just cannot seem to get the permission I need from what the art instructors to audit the class. I will continue this for the summer semester. Deep down I hope of getting an art class.

I don't know when I found this website or Facebook page of a couple of years ago, when I was bouncing around a number of Facebook pages of artists and found an artist in French Canada. This artist was actually Dutch and she did a lot of interesting work. I have followed her for sometime and a bout a year ago I happened on to one of her friends on Facebook who's art very much interested me. This person was  Dutch could actually lived in the Netherlands. Her work is mostly pen and ink but I really liked what I saw. I considered her as with her friend as being in the big leagues.Both artists have over 1000 followers. I was just one of the masses admiring their work. Two weeks ago for some reason I actually messaged this artist about how much I enjoyed her work and wished her a good day. She actually responded! I cannot believe it and she speaks some English. But, we began to communicate. This artist is seven hours ahead time is at 6 o'clock here to 11 o'clock where she is in the evening. Today, we had our first extended conversation. I told her about my art attempts she was interested she said she's an art professor And she was help me. I don't know how serious she is, I even texted her some pictures. So I figure by not? It cannot hurt to have a friend of the Netherlands is also an artist and willing to help.

You Ride The Little Bus!

Of all the days the week the worst weather fell on the day that I had to be out and about. The day was wet and cold accompanied by a chilling wind. Luckily I did not have to go far in my travels. Across the street in the morning in falling snow to my dentist office and later in the afternoon when the whether was just cold to  book club.

The book club is held in the afternoon, the late afternoon, the day had taken a drain on me. I was cold and tired by 3:15 PM when th 217  stopped to pick me up for my journey to the library. I was getting in a mood, you know the kind that mood when you just want to be left alone being enveloped by heat in the bus and get on to your destination. I figured I would get some rest maybe a micro-nap and be good for First Chapter. I got a weird sensation when the bus pulled up and I was wondering if the driver was going to tell me I was going to have to wait for the next bus because he was already carrying two wheelchairs. (There are only two wheelchairs stations on each of our buses here in Salt Lake). The premonition was partially right. There were no wheelchairs but one individual deboarded the bus using a walker, that's cool but as I boarded the bus, coming up the ramp and turned the corner there was another individual with a walker being moved from the seat covering the tie-downs where I would have to be seated and this individual was not a happy camper. Her face was a storm cloud of anger and it was all directed towards me. I at first thought that she was possibly a person with developmental disabilities and she very well could have been, but then I realized she was a person who had a significant head injury. Regardless of ideology of disability she had pure hatred for me and soon as you let me know “why don't you ride the little bus?!” “Make him ride the little bus!” This woman with head injury was obviously talking about the Flex-trans vehicles operated by Utah transit Authority for people with mobility disabilities. This was the last thing I wanted to have to deal with right then.

The irony of the situation was he was a person with a disability significant enough that she could be riding Flex trans herself. If in fact here was somebody who was supposed to be using Flex trans it was her. In another situation I would have been proud of this person choosing to use the public transit mainline. I wanted to engage with her and tell her that I've been part of the battle to make these buses accessible to everyone. I want to tell her that I did not believe in the “little buses” because they were not only politically incorrect but not fair to populations of people with disabilities who turn on each other in situations like this. I also wanted to attack this person because of her disability, because of her ruining my trip to First Chapter. I wanted to use words and inflect my voice in ways that would hurt her because of the disability she had. However, I also realized that no matter what I did or said she would not understand, she would not care all she knew was that she was getting kicked out of her seat by a wheelchair person that she felt did not belong on a public bus. Nothing, I could say would change her mind. The best I can do was to clam up turn and look out the window and enjoy what I could of this ride on a cold and wet Thursday afternoon to my First Chapter book club.

Hooked On Hooks

Somehow Tuesday when I was out and about I think it was either on my way to my meeting with the occupational therapist or to Claire's reception but somewhere along the line I lost my hook. As hooks go this hook was was small and very humble. Like many of my hooks these days this hook was larger at one time but through time became a great deal shorter. Most likely at some point the hook got caught beneath the wheels of my power chair and I snapped the stick in two, leaving a sharp jagged area at the point of the break and if lucky the hook on the opposite end. This particular hook I have grown an in ordinary affection. It was fairly short as my sticks go but the hook itself had long ago lost the rubber like material coating leaving a vicious looking steel hook. The sharp end and where the stick snapped, I sawed the the sharpness of the jagged ends off. I then wrapped the blunt sawed off end with this great plastic material called dycem which is almost sticky. I rubber band the plastic to the end of the stick. It's just a beautiful little stick which helps me pick things up as well as reach for things. Perhaps the most important assist the hook offers me is pushing the “on” button on the washer in the dryer. I also use the hook end of the stick to snag clothes out of the dryer as well as snagging the clothes off the floor when I need to. I need another stick. I only have three or four hooks left. I have a number of broken sticks kicking around that I need to use and turn into the short hooks but to do this I need to set up some sort of a wood-shop. Sometimes, in the early morning when I can no longer sleep but do not quite want to get up. I consider possible alternatives I might use in the creation of a workshop. Maybe during the summer months set up my sawhorse vice behind one of the shops across the street – – if they would let me – – and process my sticks behind the shops. There certainly is the space I would need and no one seems to clean up back there very much so why not? I've even thought about setting up such an operation in my kitchen. The kitchen is certainly big enough. I'm just have to clean up each day following what work I did. Of course ideally finding a place here at the apartments would be perfect but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I really believe in my hooks. I just did a quick search of “hooks” and I feel I might be a little fixated on my wooden, low-tech assistive technology. I use my products that least once a day and usually more from dressing in the morning to undressing at night and even in bad dragging covers over my toes. In the kitchen I use hooks to reach pots and pans, appliances and reach items in the refrigerator. And recently, which is why I'm even writing this post, I've been taking the hooks with me on the road so I can pick up things like my backpack when I drop the pack along the way. I love the idea that I make these hooks from scrap wood from dumpsters. I like the work I put into each stick to make their surface smooth and the hook useful. Somehow manufacturing my hooks makes me feel the same way.

Desperately Seeking Clothes

My very tired clothes

I kind of dressed up yesterday not so much for my showing at the rehabilitation facility and meeting with my occupational therapist but for the retirement function I went to later on in the day for Claire my boss of yesteryear. I was a little embarrassed, when all I started out because I didn't have a shirt that really didn't have holes anywhere on them. I have a pair of dockers that passed muster but I actually felt a little embarrassed about my shirt. Honestly, my wardrobe, what it is, is wearing out. I have a couple pair of slacks I could use if I have to do another retirement function, funeral or function that would take place in a church for one reason or another. But, my tops are wearing out. Sometimes, if needed, I can get away with wearing a fairly decent shirt covered with a vest. I have one fast which gives me the illusion of being somewhat dressed up. I relied heavily on Dianne and Bridget who tried their best to dress me for over 20 years. I did not appreciate their efforts and help and now I am out on my own and looking like a ragamuffin.

I have tried. I have really tried and I just cannot do it. I cannot find clothes that fit. I have a mental vision of myself/size that does not compute with the real world. Invariably, I buy clothes that look like they should fit get but when I get home and try the clothes on the garment is too short, too tight or just unmanageable. I'm going to have to embark shortly on another scouting trip to see what might be available. I refuse to accept I have to shop at someplace like Big And Large! I should be able to buy off the rack, I'm not that big. I see guys walking around out there with much bigger bellies than I have. Last summer I thought I had my problem licked when I, on a lark, was downtown coming home from meeting and stopped in at the Sears and was trying to find some T-shirts for summer. I had gone through the racks two or three times and did not find anything which looked like it was in my size. Then I was approached by this ancient woman who was a store employee and asked if she could help. I said sure – what do I have to lose? I told her however there is nothing in her store that would fit. She looked at me and smiled (she really was a doll). I was shocked/blown away when she returned with three or four shirts. She knew exactly what she was looking for and where to find it. The shirts fit! I was going to return a couple months and search for slacks and other pieces of clothing but Sears collapsed. Sears had been in the process of closing the Utah properties in my downtown Sears was the last in Utah. I don't know what happened to my older lady friend who knew exactly what she was doing but Sears is gone and so is she.

It's hard to shop, for me to shop by myself, I can't try things on like normal people. I don't have anyone to go with me to see what looks good I might look good on me and particularly knows if something might look good on me or fit me for that matter. I've got to find some who can. I spent a couple hours with my friend Lori this morning over coffee and she had an interesting suggestion that I consult my occupational therapist see what he says. I balked at the idea at first but the more I considered my thoughts you might have something. Casey my OT might have an idea. I doubt if he would go shopping with me but he might know somebody who would. It's worth a shot.

I have sport jackets I just need a couple pair of slacks tops maybe a sweater and another vest before fall in the Gala holiday season

Like Songs on the Radio

My boss Claire!

I was not prepared for today's weather. The weather forecasters said the temperature would be in his 70s today and I believed them but you know what? I've come to understand there is a warm temperature number and there is a cold temperature number and today was definitely the cold temperature number. The sun basically disappeared early on this morning, not long after sunrise and a fairly constant wind blew from the north making the temperature of 70° plus feel downright chilly. Of course, I would been wiser had I taken a jacket with me on the first part of my trip. The second part of my trip later in the day, even with the wind, the temperature was not bad but I was carrying my black hoodie just the same.

My first destination was over to Tosh, a rehab facility and I cannot remember what the initials stand for. I was meeting with my occupational therapist and durable medical provider for a power chair review. To my shock/surprise I came away fairly positive. We're going to tweak this chair a little and see if we can stretch it's life another year or so until I'm eligible for a new power chair. What was very encouraging was the conversation about how this chair has been sort of a test model to find out exactly what we need to order on this next chair. I like the sound of that I like the positive outlook all three of us felt in this open discussion of what my needs are for the next vehicle I am to get. I'm even considering figuring out a way to purchase or upgrade the motors I am eligible for with this new chair. I really want to go with motors that will produce a speed of 8 miles an hour 2 miles an hour faster than the chair I use now. I know it does not sound like much but another 2 miles an hour makes a big difference when your power chair is your primary means of transportation in every kind of weather the universe throws at you.

My second destination for the day was to make an appearance at the retirement function for my last supervisor, Claire. The open house was held in the state building primarily because of the expected attendance of a large amount of people. The planner for this event wise made a wise choice. Claire has impacted many people in her sojourn through Utah state government. Many of those folks were people with developmental disabilities. These folks were out in force. It was good to see these people with developmental disabilities being treated like all the other people who came to wish Claire farewell. There are many state employees as well in many upper management state officials. I was not really prepared for this and was sort of taken aback by many of my old friends and acquaintances in the state.

There were two double layer cakes: one white and one chocolate. There were fruit trays and the remnants of mixed nuts. There were enough mixed nuts left for 2 cups, 1 cup I'm munched on while visiting with various people and another cup I took with me for my trip home on the bus. I like salted, mixed nuts. I smiled a lot and courteously nodded and acknowledged people as they came up to me acting like they knew me I sort of remembered their faces from a faraway place. I felt like the lyrics from a song on the radio about how we all used to work together, get together on Friday nights and embarrass ourselves at Christmas parties, I felt I was is an 80's music video. There were hugs, there were selfies and there were promises to get together which you knew would never happen the only thing that would've made the scene perfect would've been a dark, rainy, night in which to vanish.

Beep Beep!!

Rain fell during the night, I know that it did, I heard the rain on the window by my bed so I was quite surprised this morning when I looked out and saw blue sky and sunshine. What a beautiful day. I had to hustle this morning. I slept till 6:45 AM and I rarely sleep that late, especially on the day my home health staff comes. I like to have coffee made and face shaved by the time she gets here. I also like to pick up a little bit if the need is present… the need is always present. I could not figure why I felt slow after all I had 90 more minutes of sleep than I usually get' I was surprised that I felt a little groggy. After Dana left I made myself some breakfast. Still I felt good for Monday morning and was going about straightening apartment and wash a batch of clothes.

I think I've discussed in the past that I live at the end of the hallway with the door to the outside leading to a resident parking area and the dumpsters. I don't mind living where I do even with the noise the electronic doors make when they open. This sounds circus goes on all day and sometimes all night. Today the sun was just too bright and after I finished dressing I rolled out to the dumpsters to get a feel for the day. The morning was crisp and pure still feeling with the dampness of the late-night rain. The sun felt good and there was no breeze and I felt perfect. I knew the day would only warm from that point forward and everyone should take advantage of this early spring gift. I want back into the apartment put the dirty clothes into the wash basket and made my burrito, Chinese noodles and jalapeno breakfast washing everything down with fresh coffee. I had NPR on in the background and suddenly I wanted to go out side and check the temperature.… I thought about dragging my phone with me so I can continue listening to Radio West, a local broadcast show which is surprisingly well done. I figure the radio is too much bother and go out and I am immediately greeted by superbly warm air. I was getting drowsy, sleepy as I left the building and wandered into the sun. The morning sun felt delicious. I wandered past the planting area over towards the dumpsters which are loosely enclosed within concrete walls. I sometimes hang out in the dumpster area where I can read. I can feel like I'm hiding, unseen, I enjoy the anonymity. Today I noticed the way the sun was coming up over the building the white wall of the dumpster area was illuminated so not only were the sun rays feeling warm but the refracted light from tehe sun lit wall intensify the heat. I made sure I was out of view, turned my chair so was facing the sun and then tilted back in my chair so I was magically comfortable. I dozed but I didn't care. I had nowhere to go nowhere to be except there.

I felt more than heard the diesel's throaty rumble and the “beep,beep,beep” backup horn of the garbage truck. Everything felt and sounded distant like a dream. Then I felt the ground trembled as the dumpster in the first section was lifted and pounded into the dump truck then crashed back down to the ground. The driver said he honked but I don't remember hearing the air horn of garbage truck but the next thing I remember was the garbage truck lineup beside me the door opening up and the driver asking if I was all right. Sheepishly, I dreamt that I was in through my chair and gear and left the immediate . I watched the garbage truck empty the dumpster was sitting next to. I briefly talked to the garbage guys they thought it was pretty funny – – I kind of think they thought I was dead. I wasn't I just looked like I was.

It was only after I went back into the building and started thinking of stupid I was and how bad things can be gotten if the drivers have not seen me. I really thought I was in a safe spot. I only wanted to get a little sun.

Relative Confusion

Yesterday, Saturday, I made dinner for my week. I talked about how I made spaghetti. The spaghetti turned out pretty good.I cooked the spaghetti then been drained than transfer the noodles to a huge mixing bowl I found, which I a used to mix the spaghetti up with the marinara sauce. I let the concoction cool all evening and then packed everything all the spaghetti into a nice plastic box my older brother sent sent over a number of months ago full of food.

 Yesterday while I was cooking I received a text message from my cousin. My cousin who lives not far from me not far from me. Taylorsville. This is my cousin Scott, who owns and operates the Mechanic Man, a full-service garage Murray Utah, not far from where I now live.

Scott's grandmother is my Aunt Elaine. My aunt is old-school, from that segment of the US population were family matters. My mother and aunt Elaine were sisters both sharing the same philosophy. When my mother was alive she insisted that I take my vehicle to Scott primarily because Scott was family who would then be forced to give me a deal. When my mother died, aunt Elaine turned on the family mythology of if you have a private business you have to get deals your family.

Scott is my second cousin, Scott is my first cousins Jess and Judy's kid. Scott is like one of seven or kids. But I was driving my van and using Scott as my mechanic I think I wore my cousin out or more likely my mother and his mother what amount forcing him to work on my vehicle. I finally stopped taking the vehicle into his shop such in his frustration. But Scott and I are still cousins and I definitely appreciate Scott being in my life. Scott helped move me when Dianne and I broke up. I still have possessions stored in his holding lot. Scott and I will still connected by Facebook's and we chat, not regularly but we do stay in touch. I am totally amazed at how active Scott S with his family and doing family functions. I love watching his Facebook posts and all the neat things they do. Yesterday Scott posted is making Hulu hulu chicken and wanted to know if he can bring some over… Silly question.

I spent the morning trying to bring order from the chaos I created last night cooking the spaghetti and was more than pleased when I got up message from my cousin that he was bringing dinner over. Scott brought over the chicken of course but also rice, cauliflower and broccoli, homemade rolls and a deluxe homemade fruit salad of watermelon, pineapple and grapes. This was a feast the best part I still have chicken parts for at least two more meals. I still have the meal on my table giving fragrance to my entire apartment. I get the feeling that Scott thinks I'm his uncle, I'm old enough to fit that relative slot and it just feels right for me to be a uncle versus a second cousin. It's relative confusion, I understand that a dilemma often suffered in Mormon families. Whatever the breakdown am thankful for my family ties and occasional dinners.

Saturday Night chaos

It was exactly 7:07 PM I was just getting started on fixing dinner. I've been thinking about building a spaghetti dinner for the past three days. I took out a pound hamburger on Thursday thinking I would put together a spaghetti dinner then the one thing led to another and my day just got away from me. Today is my food bank day I usually go on Saturday I go to the food bank and today was rather remarkable. I really was thinking I was not going to go to the food bank today because they're supposed to be heavy rain this morning. My food bank window is from 10 to 12 and usually there's a pretty healthy line to have to wait through.. Only one person can go into the food bank at once it takes about five minutes for that person to circulate through. I have only been going to the food bank for about two months now. Theoretically if you qualify for food bank services you can go up to three times a month to get a food box. The weather has been wet and cold the last couple weeks I've gone to food bank. However, I stood in line with the others and went through the doors when it was my time. It's not like give you a box you did go through the line and select different things. I think the food bank volunteers think I am finicky because I often turn down the selections they offer choosing really just a few of their offerings usually frozen meat, fresh vegetables and sometimes some of the baked offerings. What was spectacular about today the rains did not come as forecast and there was no line whatsoever when I got to the food bank. Not a single person was in line about right in. I got three frozen choices today 1 pound hamburger, frozen chicken breasts and a pound of frozen turkey ham – – the turkey ham is actually really quite good. I spaghetti macaroni (is that redundant?) Can of potato slices, strawberries, a lot of very nice wheat bread and a host of other items included a mystery bag (a life-sized set paper sack full of anything they can think to put in their but you don't know what it is when you get) the last mystery bag I got was full of candy bars good ones baby Ruth, the peanut butter bar and others in some hard cand. Today's mystery back however was full of popcorn the kind you put in the microwave. I would rather pop my own corn on the stove but it's always good to have microwave Orval Redenbacher popcorn if it's available and today it was.

At 7:07 PM tonight as I was beginning to process vegetables for spaghetti sauce I heard three explosions close by. I thought at first these were gunshots but is really too loud for that. There's a nice little park adjacent to our housing complex a lot of low-income folks, Third World or is in minority folks use that park throughout the year I've heard gunshots there before. On the third explosion I think caught a flash out of the corner of my eye. It was definitely the explosion. Next, I heard and saw fire engines and he stopped right across the street from my apartment's. There is rain falling out as much as I want to go out to the fence to see what was going on across the street I stayed in and worked under. A few minutes later the rain ceased and I ventured out. The fast food joint, Arctic Circle, across the street was dark, very dark, not good for Saturday night. Emergency vehicles were parked across the street and there were a few people wandered around the building. One of the neighbors of the apartment complex standing with me noted that it looked as if one of the telephone poles/power lines on the corner of the building look like the top had broken off. It then made sense to me the explosion of flash I witnessed was a transformer exploding. The explosives are very loud I'm afraid that Arctic Circle may be toast.

I chopped onion, green pepper and garlic which I added to the hamburger and fried everything up. One of the cans picked up at the bank today was spaghetti sauce which are added to the hamburger and vegetables. I cooked spaghetti which I also got from the food bank today and eventually added everything together it was kind of dry I added another can of spaghetti sauce. The entire kitchen took a hit. The kitchen is chaos I will work on it tonight and tomorrow. I'm waiting for the spaghetti to cool and I will but the spaghetti in a plastic container to eat next week. I've even got cookies for the food bank which I usually never choose but today I felt special. Chaos in my kitchen on Saturday night.