Week End Ready

It never fails it's a broadcast day and a day I want to be sure I get to the office on time, if not a bit early, and the arm, the complete arm of my wheelchair falls off. Dianne has been working especially hard putting together a case and I know stayed up late last night and needed the sleep but I needed her to get up and get my “amputated” chair arm and see what could be done until I could get into work and haven, at least Frank look at it. I vaguely remember the last time this happened I did almost the same thing—drug the stupid part on my lap, on the train into office and Good old Frank put me back together again.

I did make it to the office without falling out of my chair—I am sure I looked pretty stupid holding the arm of my power chair on my lap looking and feeling like an Uzi sub-machine gun. I am surprised I was not rushed when I boarded the train. It took Frank a few moments to recall how we re-assembled the chair the last time but we finally got the chair together after which I scampered across the hall and finished putting myself back together since finishing dressing without the left arm of my chair is challenging. Today of all days is important that I looked at least a little presentable since it is a broadcast day. If I did not have the chair reattached I would look like one of those listing old post polio crips. But we fixed the arm and I did the broadcast and even made my meeting away from the office. I am ready for my weekend!

Going home

I talk off and on about the INTERNET broadcast I do called Access Utah Now. A twice a month broadcast originating out of my office her at Access Utah Network. I feel I have been doing pretty good and have more the forty broadcasts under my belt but I have just about use up the obvious easy targets for interviews. Now, as I venture into year three I am having to dig a little to find organizations or people to interview. I put out a pleas the other day for folks interested in being interviewed to get in contact with me. So, I was intrigued this weekend when there was a message on my Facebook page from the coach from one of the local wheelchair basketball teams asking if his organization would be appropriate for such as interview. I answered message with a return message indicating that I was interested possibly doing and interview and left my number and requested that he give me a call.

I just got off the phone with Larry, the coach local ball team, who seems like a nice enough guy. We talked, I explained the show and how broadcast and I think basically sized each other up. I was not sure if I could this show. I have not been a huge fan of this team too much over the reasons, I think because they often considered the flashy, elitist team. The wheelchair team is directly affiliated with the local professional basketball team. As I understand it this team even has sort of tryouts, and real sponsor ship.

I worked for a long while in his city for the Independent Living Center and the ILC also supported a basket ball team of their own and Of course many of the members of this organization were fellow who, for one reason or another did not make it on the team elite. The street wolves were a rowdy, rag tag group of people with spinal cord injuries who backed down from no one or group. They were/are some what legendary. I had a number of pretty close friends on that team they made sense to me for the most part, even their self destructiveness to a certain extent. Many times players who started on the street wolves or Utes team would be cherry picked to the high end team.

I have to admit I kind of neglected the whole disability sport thing as much as I could choosing to focus on a couple of the”out bound” type organization. These organizations seemed safe and middle of the road but in speaking with th coach this morning I began considering interviewing this area of disability sports—why not just as I don't slant the interview or beat anyone up. I can also do another group of sports figures who have been generating some positive press. Murder Ball. A very completive and aggressive sport. I wonder how it would be to interview one of these guys. A little spooky but interesting.

Luckily, I will not be doing any of these interviews now until after the first of the year. Again I don't want confrontation as much as I want enlightenment. But maybe I am asking too much.

BACK ON LINE!!

Finally I'm back, yesterday afternoon Dianne and I were on the NET with our respective systems and suddenly we weren’t. We were getting the dreadeed “cannot find the page” or “you are not connected...” What was happening? Neither of us were doing much more then just “net surfing”. The great Wasatch Front is currently being washed over by a number of cold and wet storm systems. I kind of suspected the problem lay with our carrier and not with the systems, router or the connection. Dianne did however call our carrier and then for the next forty-five minutes worked with the tech support idiot who led her on numerous trip between the desktop in the our computer room and the garage where the “box” to the INTERNET lives. Sanchee or what ever the guys name had Dianne plugging and unplugging cord to the computer , router or 'box' and nothing she did got us back up. The called ended in frustration and an appointment for Monday afternoon between 12:00 and 4:00 pm when some professional nerd will come over look and do something minor and say—“there you go fixed.” and walk a way. We spent a nice quiet night in...actually even before the nice night in we made oatmeal, raisin, cranberry and walnut cookies. I have been craving homemade cookies for the longest time. Following the cookies and some reading time I threw together a fried rice dinner which turned out OK , not stellar but OK for sure and great for a Saturday night.

This morning I made bacon and eggs not bad. I cook the whole package of bacon and then use the bacon the rest of the day and week to nibble on or for meals like BLT s. Sometimes this bacon may be the only thing I have for breakfast, which I grab as I head out the door for my morning bus.Cleaned the kitchen a little following breakfast and then found I was able to connect to the NET but Dianne has not be able to connect as yet. I even charged up my old Toshiba laptop in case I need to use it a bit. I used the older system for quite a while yesterday when Dianne was trying to reestablish out connection. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed using the system. I have found the old Toshiba has a firewire plug. Mark and Jasmine were over briefly on Friday afternoon and he told me the newer Toshiba lapptops did not have this feature. I want to use my old Sony DVD camera to run some broadcasts from home for the other show I am considering producing.So I may just use the older lap top exclusively to produce Meadowlark's World.

The rest of today I plan to make soup ,later on in the afternoon, read some in a new book I started yesterday and work with a video file I am currently trying to down load. For some reason I AM connected but the connection is mosterously slow. Maybe the tech will find something.

Please--play with me...

I new it was going to be a long ride home on the bus when I boarded and informed the driver where I needed to get off and a small voice across the is pipped up”That's my stop too” like we were cousins or something. The owner of the voice did not look too weird, tall unshaven but basically OK dressed, he looked like a worker coming home from a day at the grind.

I pretty much leave my office the same time each day, ride the same train with the same
driver: I'm consistent. I know my surrounds ,usually all the time no matter where I am. So I was a little taken back when the guy chirped up about getting off at the same stop. But oh well; stranger thing have happened. So I returned to my book, a book I would like to finish sometime this week if at all possible. Then I heard, “I live on Emerald Isle. Do you know where that is at?” Argggh, and open ended statement with a question mark!! Do I answer or pretend I did not hear or just be pretentious and just ignore? Why do I have to have so many questions at the end of the day when my butt hurts,I want to get home and just me left alone? Maybe if I just respond with terse one or two word statements the guy will get the point to leave alone.

The guy, I am sure, is developmentally disabled, one of those who can pass for normal, lives in the community with supports, maintains a job and for the most part is socially acceptable and rides on buses, the same buses as I. The guy is also a 'low-talker' some one who mumbles and you cannot tell if he or she is talking to you but you don't know so you ask before you have time to think better and before you know you are engaged in a full-blow conversation you did not want be in. Well he snagged me twice but I was able to deftly disengage. Somewhere along the line he has learned that he can get a lot of attention with his low-talking. Well after being snagged twice I ignored him as he trolled for attention The second snag, ” hey, do you smoke? I am out of smokes until Thursday. I knew I was being scammed and went silent . He managed a few more snags other travelers before our bus stop. Just before we downloaded he tried one more time,” He do you have twenty-six cents?” he managed before the bus drew to our stop. He raised up his over sized (gallon) Mountain Dew mug. I could get it full if I had twenty-six cents. Actually, if I had not been totally packed up, I even had all the pockets on my backpack zipped, I would have flipped him a quarter or even a dollar, since I usually have wadded up piece low denominational currency in my pocket for just such circumstances-- buy not today. In fact I replied as I got of the bus. “I probably saved your life”. I am not even sure he heard me. He dismounted the bus first walked a couple of feet down the street on his way to the Emerald Isle turned and waited for me to come down the ramp like we were going to walk home, together, like old friends.

Not tonight, I hit the sidewalk with my joystick pushed all the way to the max. I cut hard to the left taking me on to sidewalk which led me to the parking lot of the stake center, I cut through the church parking lot each evening, by myself. I looked back to make sure he was not following—he was not-- he was just standing there like a little kid wishing for something the big kids had...quite possibly ...a life

It's early, dark and overcast this early Monday morning. I am waiting for my coffee to drip and get my day and week started. The days now, feel like Fall. I want to stay in wear socks and read or if I go out migrate to the local coffee shop( in my case Beans and Brew) get some coffee and read the free underground newspapers, write in my carry journal, sketch and try to be cool. Especially if there is rain. I have been threatening to take on of my laptops with and use the free wi-fi but have not had the complete motivation o action as yet.

This weekend was much busier then usual with the visit from Brooks—who came down from Washington to participate in his friends wedding. A shame though, Brooks was sick as a dog for the whole time he was traveling. The actual wedding took place in Boston where Brooks was before stopping off in the Salt Lake area. H was in the city for about a week but was so ill he could not enjoy any of his time with friends and family. In the time Brooks was here we went out to et twice and had an evening at our home when local family came over for Ribs and Gumbo by Gabel which were excellent and conversation which was even better. The dinner was Saturday night and Sunday we had our farewell breakfast at the local IHOP an then Brooks was off to Vancouver.

I did manage to have sometime to myself Saturday morning—Dianne and th girls wen to Thriller. I read in the driveway and then powered up to State street to the KFC and I also go some leather gloves for the upcoming old morning powering up to the bust stop. Friday we lunched at Morelia's( Brooks pick) and Mark and Jasmine joined us and that was fun, good to see Dave and the Morelia crew. It I always good have a reason to go to morelia's. I got my new cell phone when Mark an Jasmine joined us for lunch:Casio Exilim C721

The Exilim C721 seems to be a great little cell—the phone is military grade and seems like the cell will be rugged enough to with stand me and all my turbulence. I really like the camera feature what little I have used the cell so far. The seems heavy but feels right in my hand. The camera seems very good as well. So begins a new week a week which I think the weather will change and I hope my options increase. I seem t have rambled enough.

Broadcast day! Funday then the weekend and a new cell phone.

Next ?

And then there four. Last week another member of our little work group slipped away. She was 'let go' a victim of the financial down turn, a general cut back of State dollars. A case of soft money just drying up over time. It's always sad to have to say ' goodbye' even under the best of circumstances but when a person is doing a great job to let them go because there is just no money is a shame but it's real.

We did the open house for this person—she was and has been quite active in the local service community. We had the staff special lunch and in stead of going out somewhere special we “ordered in” and had a pretty good lunch and time and then at last, I stopped by her office and said goodbye—I had to leave the office early to participate in an open house across town which would have me out of the office for the remainder of the day.

I had visited with my officemate earlier and she seemed OK—she is working on her advance degree which is “drilling” her hard and I have been amazed at the amount of work she has produced here at the office while at the same time being demanded for a colossal amount of work for her classes at the University. She told me she had some money coming into her from her family and she had also put some money away—so she would be able to devote almost full time to her academics which I think will be blissful for someone like her. I did note that she was still paying close attention to “positions listed” on the State roster. So she is still looking. I am not worried about her because she is one of those folks who always seems to land “on their feet.” She has enough professional work under her belt and local repetition that she is going to be able, I think to just about call her own shots as she needs to. I would not be surprised to see her settle down into some teaching slot at one of the academic institutions in the valley here or maybe even the national game if he desires. Either way she'll do good.

Now our little office is down to four and a person who works out of our office but is not an official member of our staff. Its a good staff and I believe we work together well all things considered. I am not rally part of that staff, or not have been but over the past couple of years in an effort to “save” my position, I have had to have more and more financial help—as my funding streams have dried up-- so in a sense I AM becoming more and more 'them' which I guess is good but which will not help me if I cannot find replacement money...I very well could be next—I probably am—its just a matter of time.

This is an early image from my new coming collection Burros of the Apocalypse. I don't know where the project is going but is fun dabbling with it right now.

Retract

I suppose by now you have all noticed that I have taken down the video of the Open House I had on over the weekend. For one reason or another the segment would not load properly offering at best just the audio portion of Friday's event. The segment would also load automatically when the blog was dialed into and just start running. I would prefer that the viewer be able to start the segment at their leisure. I am also a little nervous about the amount o time which the feature runs and noting is happening, specifically me wondering round in front of the camera doing nothing. So I am going to have to do some major editing and boiling the four hour event to maybe one hour. When I get that document done I'll post it again and see if i can get to run correctly.

Big week, company coming, boss back in the office and Broadcast thurday!?

Cooler

Today is cooler, way cooler but it is Saturday and it feels great and I have been doing a lot of cooking, breakfast, helped with some bean and bacon soup and just cleaning the house in preparation for company which will be coming next week. I guess our company will not being staying at the house but I am sure will there will be some home visits and entertaining. Our company, is Brooks,our second son, now lives in Portland is coming to Salt Lake for his best friends marriage. Brooks will be here for a week or so and has not been home for a couple of years and has lots of friends and places to visit. We are excited and hope to see him as much as possible.

Thursday, I had to be at an open house, the open house was work related and I had an information table and since I do not have much advertising materials I decided to use my ustream.tv.com and let the camera run for as long as the camera will. Here is a link to that event I did not get the whole event but three or so hours—let me know what you think.

Like Blood On the Water...

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a cartoon like on Who Framed Roger Rabbit or any other piece of animation where the main character is swirling round a drain just waiting to get sucked down and disappear. As many of you all know who read this blog with any regularity is that I work for a State agency, funded by four ( or rather I used to be) separate State of Utah agencies. As the economic down turn has ravished State agencies especially those agencies who fund me/my program, they in turn have, either , reduced their grant or cut the funding stream all together. So little by little I am becoming invisible or about ready to go down the drain.

At the beginning of this granting year my one remaining main funder informed us that they most likely would not renew the grant this coming year which means that quite possibly, I would/will be out of this job and into dire straits come July 1. So I am scrambling. My direct supervisor is scrambling and the CFO is scrambling to find a funding stream which will keep me here at this office or any office. As the Baby Boommers age more and more money is being deployed to aging agencies and programs which serve this population. Directors all over the Utah area swimming in the State and private non-profit sea waiting for grants top be dropped into the water, like sharks. Recently a couple of grants have been released one actually funded at 200,000.00 dollars for three years; talk about blood on the water. I went to meeting today to cover for my Boss who is out of town on vacation. I went with my friend Frank who is our financial man. I kinda of knew this project was going and I knew my boss was acting as my/program advocate I just did not know how far along the project was and how my program was being written into the project. I think I have had the option to know more but have really kept a low profile. Today, was enlightening kind of energizing. We might get a small slice of the bigger pie—it may be a slice large enough to keep my project going for a couple of years but who knows.

What I saw today was encouraging, but nothing definite, not by a long shot. There were a lot of players at the table some like me and my program a lot and others not so much and many who do know anything at all about whom we are or what we do. I was felt I was being thrown back into the “shmooze” talk, talk, talk, smile, smile smile and kiss a whole lot of butt. Don't get me wrong I can kiss butt right along there with the best of them—I mean come on I AM a State employee. I just have not have to in a long time. So there I am, back up on the big screen of life running in the opposite direction of the water plunging down the drain, just being a cartoon...just being me.

Early train! Fall rain! Dede drove me to train station.

STELLLLLLLAH!!!!!!!!!!!

The Fall storm moved in this morning—the sky was fairly clean when I burst out the door this morning as I headed for my train and it was still fairly warm but by the time I got off the train at my downtown stop there was enough morning light to highlight a dastardly bank of clouds to the South and East and the the organized them selves into a storm. And you know, the temperature is not cold but the temperature looks cold and the appearance of cool is all that I need.

I knew the storm was coming in so I dressed appropriately my new boots, and long shirt and my hood. The weather guy is calling for rain off and on all day if not all week long., so I also carrying my new rain poncho and Dianne sleepily told me if I saw rain on my train trip home to give her a call and she will meet me at the train station. So I guess I am covered no matter what. My life now just feels cold I actually plugged in the little space heater under the riffed operator's desk and wore my hood a good part of the morning. I am going to be cold for the rest of the year into Spring.

So you all know how I hate change. Change is such a disruption, I call it Old Mans Disease (OMD), anything which make me cranky we now cal OMD my newest symptom is a sever outbreak of new shoes! Dianne recently ordered a pair of new shoes, boots really she figured I would need for the coming Winter. These boots are similar to my last pair of senior shoes—those shoes with Velcro closure –except the boot are have higher sides which , actually, aid in keeping the snow out of my shoes when th snow does fly. I have not not given up the first pair of Velcros it's just hard to keep these shoes on my feet since the stitching has started coming loose make them impossible to stay on my feet in fits of spasticity. I was kinda surprised when the shoes showed up at the house this weekend. I tried them without socks and they were OK, but his morning I decided to put the shoes to the test and wear them all day long. So this morning, the challenge was not only getting m,y socks on independently but my shoes too-- this was a time consuming task but I was able to pull the whole operation off, get breakfast and still get out the door in time to catch the train into the city.

The first few minutes, hours were rough with pain and discomfort trying to get some used to these new shoes but as the morning wore on so did the shoes and now they are feeling pretty OK—not great mind you but survivable. To my major surprise the cynics at the office were impressed with the new boot, they called them, motorcycle boots which actually made me feel so very much better. Motorcycle boots has kind of a cool feel to them now I just have to get a black leather jacket with, chain,buckles and studs as in Street Car Named Desire ...I'll be so cool.

I'm Uncle Frank

Today is just beautiful, 80 something degrees, Dianne and I have been out in the yard working all afternoon—actually Dianne has been doing all the work. I did hold the water hose for hour or so deep soaking' the new trees in the front strip planted by the city earlier this summer. I really like the trees and will love to see them mature in the coming years. But, really all I did was water but I was in the yard being noticed by neighbors and in turn noticing neighbors. We smiled yelled greeting and waved back and forth as we did the appropriate Saturday things. We saluted the postman and made sure he got his Snickers bar and watched the next door neighbor's driveway and front fill up with trucks and as a birthday party seems to be taking off. It's a Fall Saturday afternoon.

As I sat watching the friends of the neighbor pull up and noticed the other cars of the neighborhood pass by I fantasized to myself—how weird would it be if my brother or cousin happened to drop by. I have a brother who lives a couple of blocks away and cousins who live a couple of miles away but I never see them unless its a national holiday, death or some other family emergency. I then started thinking,how come no one ever just drops by? You know the “ I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I would stop by and see how you're doing.” Wow, that would be so cool! As I whined about this to Dianne she skillfully brought up that this works both ways. This of course got me thinking about how I never did the drop in' when I lived in Boise decades ago. I came up with all kinds of excuses like—at this point in my life I had little of or any disposable income which I could afford gas to make the drive across town trip and he hunted all the time and when he was not hunting he was over at his in-laws and the best excuse then as it is now my brothers homes are not wheelchair accessible—but still, I could still stop say “hello” and be on my way—at least I would have made the effort. So, I need to stop feeling sorry and be the brother I always wanted to have—is this too corny.

This is another weird post,where is it coming from? Yesterday or day before, I was talking bout my brother Ross how I should call him and Dianne took my cell dialed Ross's number and before I knew it I was talking with him and as we visited we both come to the conclusion we had become our Uncle Frank,my father's brother—the family member no one quite new what to do with—it made sense...we were Uncle Frank!

It's All Fiction

I called my brother Ross the other day- Ross lives in Boise( my home town) so I do not see him very often. I should communicate with Ross more then I do. Ross did not attend the reunion this summer. I am not surprised. Ross feels he has been forgotten by the family actually I do too and it is not necessarily forgotten possibly more like disowned or removed. I really don't think disowned is the right word but I know what he means. I have labored the point before that we ( our family)was all adopted one way or the other. I have know this forever. The fact that I am adopted child was never hidden from me. In fact the fact I was adopted was always a point of honor between my mom and myself and my world. Mom would always go on about how she had choice of accepting and adopting whom she did.

I think I really first started feeling an “outsider” in the last years of my mothers life. I started noticing more and more a feeling of difference between me and the rest of the kids and how mom treated us. It there was nothing sinister of despicable, just different. I noticed more contact with the cousins and aunts and uncles. Mom was always writing letters and send cards and trying to keep the family together but we were drifting or at least I was. There is always the incident of dad's funeral and how I almost missed the whole event because I was not called—I wrote it off as just getting lost in the mill—so much was happening. Dianne and I made it to the funeral proceeding but just barely, after driving all night. Then there is all the missed ball games, church programs and barbecues where we just were not invited. And I know my sister Faye, is going to call me 'crybaby' and who know, Faye may even be right but isolated an disowned is what it feels like.

In the past couple of years since all these feelings have been popping out between me and my brother I have tried to down play the whole phenomenon, first to my brother, my wife and even to a little bit my grand daughter,who is always searching for someone to play with and of course one always looks to cousins but the cousins or opportunities were few and far between, seeming to have to move heaven and earth to pull off such an event. So I noticed with interest, I was engaging my brother Ross,for the first time as a confident and visiting the issue of being the family outcasts. I am still not at the point where he is where he just will no longer engage with family or participate in family functons.I most likely, am just in denial or fear that Ross is right ( which I believe he may be) I don't want to face the beast head on and cut myself loose—I do love these people,I do. I did not move. I still have and history and feeling with those I felt I was raised. I still have a need to see them and hear their voices and know how they are doing. I need to have the “Walton experience” of belonging to a tribe of believing I have the Saturday Evening Post cover of Thanksgiving: huge extended family sitting round a holiday table laden with the turkey, and fixens and unconditional love and acceptance. The great American fiction.