No SurrenderToday

It's 5:24 a.m. and I been layin here since Before 4:30 a.m. Trying to go back to sleep. I guess that's OK I've learned especially when I go to bed ,what I think is fairly early like, 11:30 PM. I'm going to wake up pretty early. I need to accept that and get on with the fat that that's how my life is right now and for no reason to I think it's going to change especially as I get older. The bottom line I guess is that I'm OLD and Getting up early is what old people do. It's been difficult to accept this agent thing from my body becoming more and more decrepid to these weird feelings of not being able to sleep and wondering what's happening in the world. I'd like to think perhaps it's the pandemic that scripting the world right now but somehow I don't think so. I'm sure if it wasn't the the pandemic could be something else.

Accepting becoming elderly has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Compared with my spinal cord injury, spinal cord injury was a walk in the park or should I say “role”. I was young extremely optimistic and believe anybody told me and didn't know a single thing about disability. This I believe is my saving grace. I did things which seem to be impossible because no one told me I couldn't. Perhaps if they had I would not have been so independent. Kind of thinking this senior crap is the same thing. I've been fortunate to not really act like a senior just because I don't know how. Living here though at the apartments I guess I'm getting lessons. For the most part I'm not paying a lot of attention to the lessons (and perhaps I should). Maybe I need to figure out a way to take a nap midmorning or midafternoon. For those early mornings when I can get back to sleep. Maybe I should learn to play bingo, card games at jigsaw puzzles which seems to be a staple of entertainment for a lot of the folks here. That's asking a lot of me which I don't think I would be able to comply. So right now I and of yawning a great deal, I spend a lot of time with my chair laid back trying to catch a week or two during the day that may be as close as I get to a nap. As I'm writing this I'm changing my direction even as I type. I was going to write this from a place of compliance and acceptance of the old age label but you know, I'm just not there yet. True of almost 70 years old and that is old by any definition but may be by clarify it or at least deny it by indicating I'm a “young” almost 70.

Never before have I been as careful in my transferring from bed to chair and back again as this year. Even just sitting in my chair, now I'm feeling at risk. If you hours ago I spent 20 minutes pulling myself back into my chair when I thought I was going to slide out. I had undone my safety restraint when I cathed And neglected this class of my restraint. So far I have been able to mitigate these kind of issues. But I also recognize just by process of aging is going to come a day I'm going to need a lot more assistance but thankfully that is not today…