I'll Cry if I Want To

It's birthday week, more specifically my birthday week—the middle of this week I will turn 60 years of age. 60 years is the first birthday which really has rattled me. All other celebrations of my birth have been just regular birthdays; maybe a party, a car maybe some money,maybe even a party. When I turned 40 and had the party with black balloon party I laughed and thought cute but really did not have an impact on me, the same with my 50^th birthday although in the back of my mind I was doing arithmetic 50=1/2 100 anyway one looks at it but still life, family and work was keeping me busy but this birthday is something all together different. Perhaps with all the medical stuff I have been involved in the last couple of years, perhaps with the more and more things I have had to relay on Dianne and other to assist me with my mortality is becoming more and more real. Friday, my latest round of medical tests came back. High cholesterol, I have never had high cholesterol before now I do and I am having to really watch what I eat, and how much. I may be having a party but I'll cry if I want to.

It's a month since Christmas and the days are still cold, and storm come and go and I guess actually we are in the dead of Winter but with the daylight increasing each day I am feeling more and more like Spring. I am leaving the Christmas feeling behind totally and looking forward to Spring and warmer weather sans jacket and socks. It's that time of the month and so at lunch I decided to sprint up to City Center and get my February bus sticker, cash a check I have been carrying round for a month and get some chips for lunch. As I was waiting for my train I noticed folks at KSL broadcast cube taking down the Christmas lights. I don't know the workers were jabbering away in Spanish or Bolivian “picking lights” For a moment I though these were Christmas trees being harvested after the holiday.

Busy day. out on the system for meetings&gettg ready for tomarrow.

A Sign?

My office sits almost in the heart of downtown Salt Lake City. /we are kind of urban, or at least it feels as if the city is trying to grow and be more urban then it actually is...or maybe I am just in denial. The building my office is in used to also house the Mexican Consulate which I thought was pretty exciting from the Mexican flag on the building to the crank calls and threatening call we would get from all over the State bur mostly Utah county about how bad the immigrants were and how the caller was watching us and if we did not raise the American flag higher then the Mexican the caller was going to “come down there” and make things right.

Well,last year the building was sold and the Mexicans moved out and we have been the sole renters but a couple of months ago we got word the new owner had a deal with an Asian agency of some kind who was going to rent the rest of the building—since then the upper floors have been inching toward renovation. Seriously most of the work seems to be being done my one little African senior citizen. That's OK with me it's nice having the entire parking lot to ourselves and its been quiet up there but I have to admit it is a little lonely being the only tenants in the building. Well, something is happening I am not sure what because construction is not picking up from what I can tell but someone is noticing. Yesterday when I came into work we had a new tag on the building—seems like someone or someones are getting nervous. A sign of thing to come?

Busy week': broken tooth repair,broadcast, birthday!

Houses

I grew up in South East Boise in the late fifties an early sixties. We had a small farm in the rural area of Boise. Lots of kids in the family and even though I don't remember our living as being 'poor', I think we were. Oh, we did not go hungry, ever. We raised our own beef and always had a huge garden and there was lots of canning we always had vegetables and fruit throughout the winter. Mom, bought our clothes from J.C. Penny's and Sear Roebuck usually on “Layaway”. The clothes were never the styles I would have liked but they were good sturdy clothes and shoes. So, maybe we weren't “poor” per se maybe we were just low middle class. I did not think about status much. I had the love and support of a huge family and the fun of living in a fun area and time. Still something was different.

I was in Cub Scouts, which I firmly believe, I would never have been except the program was pushed my our church and so u sort of had to go. The Cubs met in the Sister Hessing's home. Sister h was the wife of Bishop James B Hessing our religious community leader. Jim was partner in the local Plymouth Chrysler dealership. I don't know about anyone else in the ward but I thought the Hessings were rich the house they live in was huge but so was the Hessing family. The Hessing home was in the suburb Greenwood circle, a place where many professionals lived and the median income seemed higher then the rest of the South East Boise rural area.

I went to East Jr High located on Warm Springs avenue and I think for most of us rural kids,raised in the farm area it was the first time we were exposed to the “city” kids in the South East section of town. I did not think too much about it till the bus rides home. Our bus would head East on Warm Springs past these , what I thought were mansions. I would just stare in disbelief and wonder who lived in these places, these palaces. I knew these houses were where a lot of the students lived, I went to school with but it never registered. They just seemed like regular kids to me. On the bus I would look at these home and wonder what Christmases or Thanksgivings were like and thought to myself, these event must be wonderful. I imagined servants, huge gala parties and lives of grandeur. I was not envious just amazed.

I have become quite active on Facebook and Twitter and have re connected with a lot of the kids I went to school with before my accident and recently one of these kids, Ricky Hale has started posting images of some of these places identified who lived where. I have been fascinated and I have really appreciated Rick's effort on this project. I have even mentioned this and lso how I thought how wonderful it must have been to have lived in these places. I was pleased and excited when one of these folks actually responded to my comments by indicating living in these homes was just normal like everyone. Yeah, just like everyone. I am still intrigued by these houses and still wonder.

It Never Stops

I love my “doc”, she is really a nurse practitioner but feels lik a doctor to me. Her Name is K- and I have written bout her before and I even think I have published her image as well. She is just great. My appointment was in the morning on Thursday. Dianne came into the city and picked me up and we drove up to the University Medical Center. The event went off without any problems. I love taking Dianne with me because she gives such a better report that is happening in my life then I do and there my check-ups are much more through and better. As I surmised the medical appointment is just the beginning. The doc wrote orders for the X-rays of the shoulder where I have been having my pain, then she notices how poorly I am sitting and orders a re-evaluation by my seating specialist and then notices something in my chart and decides I need to have a complete blood work being done, of course which has to be done fasting which means there will be another trip to the facility soon to draw the blood early some morning because the blood must be drawn after a 12 hour fast.

So we leave the facility with orders for a full blood draw, seating evaluation and 24 visits to the physical therapy outpatient clinic oh yes and X-rays too see how bad my should joint is injured. There was discussion as to a torn rotator cuff which if this is the case is a surgery consult with an orthopedic which if I DO have a torn cuff and elect to have the surgery mean I could and most likely would be down up to two months which means I would most likely have to spend some time in some sort of P.T. Center i.e. long term care facility!! hat was a lot for me to absorb right there and I had to get out of the medical center as fast as I could. The X-ray process was even more challenging then I thought. The radiology techs could not get a clear clean shot of my shoulder. I think they ended up taking more then 7 images. At one time there was a tech pulling my arm, another pushing be back in my chair and a third pushing me over to the side in an effort to get the best shot. I'm surprised I am not glowing who knows how many rads. Now we wait. Oh I almost forgot we also got orders to be seen by the Rehab nutritionist to develop a diet which will assist me shed weight.

I did not want to have to return the next day to do the blood draw but Dianne convinced me to get the blood drawn and out of the way besides if we came in early, first thing Friday we could grab breakfast at the hospital cafeteria. I hate fasting—and really eating and going to bed and not eating till the next morning till after the blood draw is nothing but the whole process bugs me. But instead of getting up early I actually slept in and we did not even get to the hospital until ten thirty or so. We drew the blood and it's done. Now we are just waiting but I am glad I can eat anytime I want until the results return then I am sure I will have diets modified big time and more medical intervention...it never stops.

Shame on Me

My appointment with the doc is for tomorrow at 11:00 up at the university medical center. I am being seen for the severe persistent pain in my left shoulder. I have been placing hot packs on it for the past couple of days. I packed the shoulder over the long MLK weekend and I was surprised at the amount of relief I enjoyed so much so I decided I would continue the relief giving process while working. Somewhere over the years I picked up 'bean bag', a vessel like a sock has about three or four pounds of rice or bean sewn inside, throw the bag in the microwave for3-4 minutes and your get a burn center certified implement of destruction. Seriously, I have to be careful. The bean bag has two rope handles and I wrap the burning bag in a Boise State University Christmas Claire gave me and I still have to be careful that I don't burn myself. Over the years I have done stupid things like this and been burned, sometimes significantly so. I hate to wear my RX's on my sleeve but the office harassment over the stench caused when I heat up the compress forces me to look as pitiful as I can to justify the odor.

This morning the the office confab , you know that time that staff stands round the secretaries office and gabs and today the discussion took a serious turn as whined about the physical challenges I have been faced with the past couple of weeks and specifically rehearesed my fear of falling while transferring from one chair to chair or chair to bed etc. I explained I don't know what will happen when I fall, and I will sooner or later even if my tendonitis clears up completely...sooner or later I am going to fall and really, if I cannot get hold of my son-in-law or Mark A. I will be up the creek, so to speak. I mean we would be forced to call Murray Fired Department(MFD) who does have a station round the corner from the house. I do have a brother who also lives five or six block away, and he is strong but he is ten years older then me. I could call once same with MFD but that is all you get before they start talking about locking you away for your and their own good.

But there are programs which are aimed at keeping people with disabilities living independently in their own homes. I have not explored these options because I think I am going to get better, I am going to heal and not have to think about this nasty stuff any longer—I am too young for any kind of assisted living. You know what? Am dead wrong!! I need to jump in with both shoes on and put the “system” to work assisting me stay at work.!! I need to be proactive and

Would You Like A Cookie??

Anakah or Ani as we tend to refer to our near resident granddaughter, we are one of those lucky sets of grandparents who have a granddaughter in close proximity. Both parents work and with Dianne home at the time its a natural that the kid is over to our house numerous times during the week and usually at least once on the weekends. Anakah is one of the fabrics of our life tapestry(thanks Carol King ).

Ani's latest challenge has been to dive into Girl Scouts, I kinda think for the outfits—Anakah knows what looks good and what looks good on her. She has been in the organization a couple of months now and has not tired yet of the meetings, other scouter or the leadership. I thought sure with the onset of the annual girl scout cookie drive that Ani would start cooling on her feeling for the quasi-militaristic out fit. Saturday Anakah was at our house with her official Girl Scout cookie order form. And ready to attack our neighborhood.

Two years ago, during the summer Anakah made a small fortune selling soda's in front of the house July morning and afternoon snagging many of the cars cruising the neighborhood scouting out the garage sales. The kid can sell she is a natural, she just needs an audience. It was after lunch when Dianne and Anakah took off to make the rounds and see what could be sold and a few hours later returned with nearly $200.00!!!! Granted Girl Scouts price on cookies has sky rocketed to $3.50 a box but still my granddaughter trooped up to every door, knocked and widely smiled at the neighbor who broke down and grabbed for their purses and checkbooks and these were not event the next door neighbors who we held the most hope for sales.

Now its my turn—so impressed with Anakah's sales I volunteered to take a sign-up sheet to the office and see what damage I could do with the staff.. I know this is Anakah's project but I think she did quite Ok on her own and if she had a day off of school and could assault the office her self. I know she would be in here making the sale. I waited for staff to be in and really it's only four staff besides me but the Director is a former Girl scouter and there is another grandfather here even older then me, if that is possible. Nearly the whole staff committed. Eleven boxes—unbelievable.

Believe me I know how obnoxious these sale programs get themselves into and I know how obnoxious it is to have some yokel at the office pressuring you to buy this or that for their kid or in this case grand-kid and I have paid my dues, purchasing everything from coupon books, candy bars and magazines...I am just trying to get a little back.

bring on the Heat

I have been in major pain the past couple of weeks. The main has been coming from I believe my A/C joint- a small joint located on the shoulder. I think when a person uses their arm to lift themselves up as I do when I must transfer into or out of my my wheelchair on onto or off the bed. The pain was significant to the point that I made an appointment with my medical provider for this next week. In the mean time I have been spending this holiday having hot compresses placed on the painful joint and the endeavor seems to be working. The pain has subsided allowing me to regain a great deal of my independence. I am still experiencing some discomfort particularly doing my ADLS, but at least I can just bout do them again independently,

Now, with the pain subsiding, I almost feel compelled to cancel my medical appointment but canceling would be foolish. I need to have my medico help me figure out how to use a diet that will allow me to drop some weight which I feel might be key to my transfer issues. I also want to see if can get some physical therapy, do some strengthening. Any strengthening will greatly aid in my ability to live independently. Now if I combine the strengthening with loosing significant amount of wieght I shall be on my way back to a more acceptable quality of life.

I am enjoying, yet another, holiday weekend. I am odd tomorrow to enjoy Martin Luther King DAY (MLK). The day is cold but warmer then many recently have been. We have been promised rain not snow for today which we hope will scrub out the dirt atmosphere. I really could use surgical mask.

Broadcast day! First this year. fun!

It's What I Do.

I don't mean to, I really do not mean to but I cannot help it. I seem to destroy everything I touch or in some cases run in to. This mode of destruction, I seem to live in, did not seem as severe when I was pushing a manual wheelchair but when I up graded ( or down graded) to power wheelchair things changed. The weight of the powerchair along with my mass, body weight, made me a force truly to be reckoned with. I have permanently marred the halls of my home and office—there is a line scribed where the handles on the back of my wheelchair have scraped. I have left marks on the trains I ride, the buses and even public building in Washington DC. I am not the only one who has these issues but I AM one. This is not so bad with vehicles or mass transit or the people building in Washing DC—there are many other powerchairs at any one of these places at any given moment—BUT at my office this is another matter.

Something is happening to me as I age—I am sliding out of my chair more and more and it really takes all of my strength to drag my but back into my chair—literally. I think part of the reason is the chair I have now, the foot peddle is not large enough to adequately hold my feet and my feet on the foot plate and add spasms to the fray and soon I am sliding to points South. So I am struggling all day long pulling myself up and one of the ways I do this is to position myself directly infront of a hard surface like a door or wall and drive into the surface and use that surface o push off of placing myself back into the seat of the wheelchair. Sometimes I slip and push forward with a little too much power, sometimes causing me to break through the drywall. Mind you I try to uses surfaces which will not give, like brick walls of the tires of vehicles like trucks or cars.

I don't mean to destroy...it's just what I seem to do.

Terror Babies

My little call center is a microcosm of a huge call center. Our call volume is much smaller then many call centers allowing me to take lots of time with each and every caller. I am fortunate and I like this ability to render this kind of service to my callers. I have been working for information lines or systems, it seems, all my life from the old hotlines I worked in Idaho to the disability information line I operate today one thing all these line have income the lines tend to breed 'chronic callers. These “chronics” for one reason or another all call daily, weekly or monthly but they always call.

Jim is my current chronic caller. Jim has a disability but I think just barely. He lives in a motel in another county not from Salt Lake. Since our info line had a toll-free number we get calls from all over the state and country for that matter. That is how I first met Jim, he called the '800' line wanting me to make calls for him in the Salt Lake area which he did not have long distance for. I made a couple of calls but that was all. Jim called a week later wanting information about this and that but clearly more important then the information was his need to just talk. At first he tended to rank and rave a little and then wanting to know about local governmental systems of operation. I ge the impression that impression that jim is a bit of a hobo who landed in this forsaken community, landed in a low-income hotel and is too poor to leave the county. Jim is a bit of a conspiracy theorist and redneck conservative., was that redundant? But he calls and we talk and I bounce ideas off him, he takes them and then ruminates over them for a week or two then I hear back from him and e o to the next level.

This week, or month the topic has been food banks or pantries in ti small community. The man pantry is run by the local triple A (Area Aging Agency) i.e. the Senior Center—the local independent living center also has a food closet and the manager has not gotten back to Jim so now Jim is building a theory they are discriminating against him. I don't think so—I think the manager is busy and that she is part-time labor. We talked for over thirty minutes and I gave him my take food banks, FDA, USDA and their food donation programs. We ended the call by him taking a couple of dollars and walking over to the Senior /center where they senior lunch program to see if they would sell him a meal. Jim was convinced that these food programs were scams perpetrated by mothers of “terror babies”: minority moms having children to defraud the local government and systems.

What Jim does not realize is that he infact is also a scammer, a guy with a questionable disability working the system for all he can get. I think old Jim is turning round and sooner then later he will be back in the system maybe even working in a food bank. Stranger things have happened.

Frustration

Today's Train People

I don't know quite what to do. I am really getting worried about my ability to live independently! In the past year my ability to transfer has degraded to the point I am afraid I have damaged my AC joint making my transfers almost impossible. I think I took almost an hour to dress this morning and I was exhausted by the time I finished the task, then I had to transfer to my power chair. This was all proceeded by a Herculean effort to get back into my manual wheelchair from the shower. I believe I am experience some form of arthritis issues aggravated to some extent by the low and high pressure systems as they pass through the State.

So, do I start thinking about attendant care options, jumping back into the P>T> world and try to do some strengthening or loose weight or both o just what. The worst case ( aside from death) is I would have to relocate to a long term care facility for rehab or living options if I can not maintain at home. I am getting really frustrated though.

Could They??

Today's Train Person--taken from the archives

Another front pushed through last night not a killer front but a big enough system to clean out the air. The local air had been dirty and congested for the past week or so...burn warnings and car pool adviseries have filled the air waves but last night's storm blew it away today—but where did it go? So today we had blue skies water dripping off the icicles on the west side of the house. We will have a few days of cleaner air and looks like we will in for a group of storms coming into the area the end of this coming week and the beginning of next. The quiet and solitude of work is now beginning to slip in to memory as the calendar get closer and closer to the new legislative session. This year's legislative session looks as if the session will as fiscally deadly as the last maybe worse when one considers all the fat and now most of the muscle has been cut. The talk says the legislative boys will be going for 11% in cuts-this is not surgery any more it's just dissection. But, I am OK for some reason. I know I am cool until July 1. I have been working with Frank and Claire trying to develop some sort of game plan if the worse case scenario should occur. Somehow, I don't think the worse case will happen. True this might be naive, I mean how could they get rid of me Mr I&R? But THEY could. THEY have gotten rid of a lot more important and valuable state workers then me.

Its OK, I am not scared—the one thing I have learned over my sixty years is that life goes one no matter what happens, it does not stop for anyone even me. I have decided to start emptying my office little by little until July. I learned from my last exit, from Utah Independent Living after being there for over ten years just how much junk I collect. Well, I have been with State for over ten years and guess what? I have a bunch of crap I need to clear away. I better start tomorrow.

Made it to 211 waiting to start presentation.

Taxi!!

Today's train person

This is going to have to be a fast post. I am scheduled to do a presentation over at 211 i&r AT 3:00and because of events to be explained and taking a taxi service to my meeting. I have know about this meeting since before the holidays. I had forgotten that 211 and the food bank had moved. In their old location there was poor,poor public transit service-- so I was going to drive in today to make this meeting.

So this morning at 6:15 I am dressed and head out to the van. I did not wake Dianne today since I was going to drive in and can just about do all things independent. Anyway, I get in the van—is is dark and sub freezing cold. I have transferred from my power chair into the drivers seat of the van. This is dark, difficult and cold, I reach for the ignition key and twist the key to start the engine the keys fall from the ignition and my hand onto the floor amid curses of frustration and rage. Remember it is very dark in the van and cold. I have to reposition myself in the drivers seat so I can reach down to te floor to find my keys. Luckily I instantly put my hand on the keys and pick them up only to find that I had broken the key in the ignition. Again, this is my fault since I leave my keys in the ignition ( so I know where the keys are at) and being out in the cold made the key brittle and it broke!!

So, I regrouped climbing back into my wheelchair and headed back into the house to warm up and change into my great white coat and then head up to the bus stop to take the train into work. I finally got to work about an hour late which is not too bad. I was going to cancel my presentation but then staff indicated I should take a taxi to my meeting, the office would even pay for the trip. I have never used the taxi service in the city and we really wanted to know how well the system would work and that is what we are going o do. I am scheduled to have the taxi pick me up at 2:00 and then after my meeting the taxi will take me to the train station—sweet!!

Even more sweet. Dianne called mid-morning telling me that she had gone out to try to fix the problem i.e. dig the broke key tip out of the ignition or see how bad the problem was and what she found was the tip of the key lying on the floor of the van right under the steering wheel!!!So, no trip to the lock smith. Or dealership or what ever and I still get to make my 3:00 o-clock meeting!!

So I feel I really dodged the bullet on this one plus we checked out the taxi service to see how well it worked. I am using Yellow Cab—they use gold cross( more on that later) $2.25 to pick up and drop the flag and then 2.20 a mile after that!! This is truly doable—plus I am not returning to work when I am done—heading on home...

Taking calls and giving out info...

Train person on this morning's ride into work.

It is always weird returning to work after an extended amount of time away. I came back today after being gone for more then a week. I was pleased to see and hear there had been no traumas to speak of-I did fill out my time sheet incorrectly and I was “texted” about that and I called into the office and cleared that issue up. I sifted through my emails( I had accessed my account nearlier last week so I had an idea of what was there) an there were no bombs there. There were a few calls to be returned but staff had answered my phones and left pretty good messages. My office was still mess—the way I had left it. The Christmas cards and gifts were scattered round my office looking like orphans. I really need to do something with the mess but I'll start tomorrow. Today is a settle in day—return calls pull a rabbit or two out of the hat just to let staff know I am back, taking calls and giving out info...it's what I do.

Transition

It's cold outside, it's cold inside and I am sitting here typing about and thinking about jumping back into the whole work thing tomorrow morning. I have been off work since before Christmas Eve. I have enjoyed not going into the office, I have enjoyed hanging round the house with Dianne and my granddaughter. I have enjoyed the days of presents and the feasting and the neighbor drop ins and drop offs, I have enjoyed the surprise calls I make of get from folk I never hear from except during the Christmas holidays. I really enjoy watching the tapes or DVDs we have that we never watch except for holidays, we even red Boxed ( I would have liked to have done more but enjoyed the movies we did do. I also really enjoyed getting gift cards and “on line” certifcates to bookstores and Amazon.com. I have ordered and those volumes will be here shortly and the gift cards allowed me to get my immediate fix of holiday, first quarter reading. But as this Sunday expires I am ready to get back into the mix.

Really almost ten days away is almost too much time—I feel I need to get back and see what kind of calls I have waiting. I did look at my emails and I do not see any bombs there ready to explode. No emails from my boss which says “see me”. I have remembered to grind baggy of coffee, a quart sized baggy because it seemed to me I was almost out of coffee a couple of weeks ago. Ten days is almost too long to go without the office gossip—I need to be back in the swing and to find out what is going on in my office but in other state and private non-profits offices round the State. I hope my plants made it—our office s not the best for plant support-we'll see. There was at least one snow storm while I have been gone and that storm was the the tail end of last week, weekends and holidays means there has be little to no snow removal. Dianne has agreed to drive me to the bus station for the next couple of days until people remove snow or thaw takes place. I should be OK once I get on the train and I think downtown sidewalks and streets round my office will be clear. I have not yet got a new bus pass, a pass for January. If I have time after we get to the train station tomorrow morning I can buy a Transfer from one of the drivers and be OK. I probably will not be challenged tomorrow but if I do I want to be ready. Of course not having a pass means I will have to bolt for the downtown bus service center and purchase my January pass.

So, I anticipate a busy tomorrow: make coffee return calls,mail Mac's letter, purchase pass and eas into the new year. Happy New Year I hope your transition is smooth.