Death

My cell phone rang last Thursday it was Mom, she said she had been trying to get us for a couple of days and finally tried my cell. When my mom cells on y cell I know something serious is up. Mom begins with the history of this call, how she had tried our land line and either message box is full or the phone did not even offer the caller, her, the option of leaving a message. Which very well could have happened since I never check the saved calls and Dianne checks every couple of days, she following the phone report with how she has tried to get hold of my older brother, who lives a couple f blocks from me the and will drive over and check on me when mom does not get hold of me like she wants to but in this case Mom could not even get hold of him so she tried the dreaded cell phone and there I was.

Mom launched into telling me of the passing of my brother’s wife’s younger sister "
sister, who is about 10 years younger then I, a distant memory from my youth. Someone you knew about but only because you knew someone else but someone ten years younger then yourself and a member of your direct or extended family she just did not registrar until your family merges with her family. Still, Mom was go on about how she wanted me to drop everything and give my brother a call, or maybe drop them a sympathy card or something. I told her I would and went back to Bones which was debuting its Fall show.

I did not make the call and I carried my share of guilt because I did not call but really, she was my brother’s wife’s, sister! I did not really know her and hardly knew the family-still what was my responsibility. Dianne thought I should call but I resisted even more.

I guess I was not ready—maybe I was scared. I rationalized that trying to get hold of my brother at anytime is a challenge but really I was scared and angry at, Jackie the deceased; How dare she die making me examine all the fears I have of death, family and closeness and my own pending experiences with death in all of death’s form and especially, finally, mine. How dare mom call me on the American Christmas Week( see earlier blog) when I was nestled infront of the TV with great care. I was mad at every one for shaking up my little non important world!
The funeral is today, in about 45 minutes, I knew it would be. I knew that my brother would be home today, of all days, he would be home and I would be able to get old of him when I called this morning right after I got out of the shower. I braced myself and placed the call. It was Ruby, my sister in law, who answered the phone. I gave her our condolences and excuses for not being there. Only then did I realize that Ruby the oldest female child in the family would also be the “ramrod” who held the family together and most likely orchestrated all the events of the past week. I heard all of this in her voice and wished we had gone. With out any prodding she informed of the death, how and when everything occurred. She was retelling the story, she was processing she was beginning to heal. I listening and she promptly handed me off to Ross , my brother. I was also shocked to feel his grieving. I somehow could not see Ross grieving but here he was plainly glad that I had called. And again, I wished I had made the effort to go up to Boise for the Funeral, for the family, for Ross. I am learning so much as I grow older, I just hope I have the time to learn all I need to know.