Fear No More

The novocaine from my dental experience today finally wore off a few hours ago. Diane drove me in to my dental appointment around 1145. I was scheduled to go when the drill about 12 o'clock. As it happened I probably didn't start drilling till about 1230. I don't know what is happened in my life but this dental experience has been smoother less traumatic and less anxiety provoking than any experience since the mishap with Dr. Froggly way back in the 50s, When as a three or four-year-old I chomp down on his fingers and I did see a dentist again for nearly 7 years. And never have I not seen a dentist that I was not nearly traumatized by the time I got to the chair.

You'll remember that I had to have those molars extracted wisdom teeth taken out a couple weeks ago actually almost a month ago. My dentist wouldn't pull them and sent me to an oral surgeon for which I am totally grateful. I held out and had the surgeon knocked me completely out. It was the best decision I've made in years. And quite frankly I was not all that stressed-out on that appointment either. I think I have lived under the hammer of my diseased teeth going nuclear for so long that I came to grips finally with my dental neurosis I was willing to do what I had to do to remove the threat of agony. I just knew that there was nothing drew Luke could do that would be comparable with the extraction of my offending molars. Nothing. I also knew that whatever discomfort I might feel would be extremely minimal, I would be numbed up as drew Luke always does, to the max and I would come down eventually ready to enjoy the days ahead

A couple years ago still after I had gotten my new power chair with the reclining seat my dentist, drew Luke, stop have any transfer from my wheelchair to the dental chair. With the amount of spasticity that I have I've always had a difficult time knowledge transferring but staying in the chair, the dental chair once I got into it. Staying in the dental chair was aggravated by the fact of my spasticity and how much of that spasticity could be triggered by the ongoing dental treatment I was suffering/experiencing. There was something calming to me about being in my power chair reclined and I think the dentist quite enjoyed somewhat less triggered patient however minimal the reduction in anxiety was. There's just something about getting done with the procedure turning on the power chair driving away and not having to deal with the trauma and drama of being transferred back into my power chair. Getting drilled in the chair is definitely a win-win. As I said I had five cavities taking care of today. Five! That's a record for me. Drew would've done the other two had I wanted. But five was enough for anyone sitting for me. I scheduled to have the final two taking care of this coming Monday and I'm kind of looking forward to this experience too. The Novocain has finally wandered completely out of my system. I can drink without drooling I can chew without traumatizing my mouth cheek our time and I can taste fully again and enjoy my mouth. I am amazed that I am feeling no after paying from where the Novocain was administered are for the drilling took place. My mouth feels exactly like it did before the numbing process happen at lunch. I feel blessed Not having to experience the trauma of a visit to my dentist. Maybe, just maybe I'm growing up.

Somebody Slap Me Please

Today is a holiday, Memorial day, not telly a big one as far as I am concerned. I have never quite understood the day. I remember the parents and grand parents always called it Decoration Day, a time to go over the cemetery and put flowers on graves. For a long time I really did not know anyone who was dead so the day was empty for me except the holiday was usually a celebration of being out of school for Summer or close. We usually had relatives over or would meet them at a park for a big pic nic. I don't remember ever going over to put flowers on graves.

Now, I know more and more folk who have died, both of my parents, a couple of close friends yet I don't get all stoked o go over and put flowers on their resting place. Mom and Dad are over at Santaquin Cemetery about sixty miles south of Salt Lake. I should go over more and I never go over on Memorial Day its a long drive for me and kind of dangerous, Santaquin is smack dab in the middle of Utah County, enough said. My next door neighbors are older, even older then I and they really celebrate the day purchasing I don’t know how many flowers and the deliver the flowers to no less then three cemeteries. I don't think they are doing the cemeteries this year. One of the neighbors had an automobile accident a couple weeks ago and we almost lost him but I think the family is focused on Albert this year and his rehabilitation to decorate graves like the usually do.

Holidays are different in retirement just another reminder that I am no longer part of the workforce. I woke this morning wishing I had somewhere be, a job to get dressed for, a reason to jump the train and head inbound and do something for 8 or how many hours needed to be done. In fact I am thinking of volunteering at the Arts Festival year, an event in downtown Salt Lake City at Library Square . The Arts Festival is a pretty cheesy event but still, volunteering/ working at the festival would give me something to do. The library is right on the Trax line so transportation would be a non issue and maybe even fun. I must need a work activity of some kind. I cannot believe I am this shallow. Why can't I enjoy retirement like everyone else lucky enough to live long enough to retire?

Somebody slap me please where is my sister Faye when I need her? Faye is a great slapper, she is always good for reset. I am really damn lucky, I am retired! I can do anything I want. I have been given a great gift and I best not squander this gift. So get in line to slap the dummy who cannot see how good he has it most of the time. 

Gardener Me?

I have never laid claim to being a master gardener. In fact I used to think that I hated gardening and anything related to gardening. I like to think I can blame my upbringing for that. My dad I think in his ideal world would've had a giant farming operation, cattle ranch or truck farm. When I wish small probably around five we moved from the city out to the countryside. We moved from Boise city of the South Boise which was fairly rural at the time. My dad was able to get a 14 acre farm much of which was pastor our hayfield, thank goodness. However there was enough space for what I thought to be a huge garden.. My dad planted rows of tomatoes,Sweet corn, peas and carrots and anything else he thought would grow. I also think my dad thought this garden would be a great way to teach my older brother and me good working habits. All I know is gardening was a vexation on my life. For one reason or another it seemed I was the one who had to work in the garden. My brother seem to get out of a lot of work, a skill I just didn't seem to have. And I must admit I didn't do as much work as I like to think that I did. My poor daBelievest've been heartbroken the government every night from his hard work and find little or nothing done in the garden. She would end up having to work in the garden to keep the weeds at bay until he himself gave up. The weeds grew huge choke the life out of any green thing in the garden, tomato worms marched in legions over the fruit that real in spite of my poor gardening commitment. The weeds and bugs and size of the garden just overwhelmed me. That's why I'm so shocked at my current behavior. I'm actually trying to have garden. The last couple years the gardening bug has been investing me, given me the urge to go out and break ground, plant seed and enjoy the literal fruits of the earth. We mandatorily excavated a small space in the backyard or garden. We've implanted starts in hopes of bringing fruit to bear. It never worked I just couldn't get to the garden to maintain it or I worked all day at my job and did not have the energy garden after work.. However now that I am in retirement things are different. We have a space behind the garage, a concrete slab with a good Southwestern exposure. We've never really used the space productively however this year I thought, why not try to have a garden space that I can reach that is accessible by wheelchair? Not really I can be totally responsible for the garden. I had water, cultivate, pick bugs/tomato worms and whatever else I need to do. And this weekendDianne and I actually set up a garden space on the concrete slab. It took us most of the day Sunday to do this, cleanup purchase the vegetable starts and then organize and set up the garden space. We didn't! We are excited enough out there every day making sure the vegetables are doing all they can do. I'm finding I love doing this, I love having a garden I just wish my dad could see me now.ave

Its Monday Morning Time for a Change?

It's Monday morning, I am up and dressed and I am doing my day. I have scheduled my next dental appointments—remember I interrupted a bunch of dental work to have the extractions and the I was to return to my dentist when I was healed for the remainder of the work. It has been more then a month and I am well healed and I am scheduled to begin the work next week. We are trying to get all the work completed by the end of June which the end of my insurance year...starting July I have to start deductibles and such all over again. I have nothing scheduled for the remainder of the day, however I do want to get up to the hospital and spend a little time with my neighbor who was moved to “rehab” over the weekend. His move to rehab is a good sign of the progress he is making. I am a little excited because I think with a little rehab his over all life will be greatly enhanced. I intend to visit this afternoon and should take up the remainder of the day riding public transit. Other things I want to accomplish this week include, get the new lifting machine home from the sports store. Follow up on my new garden Dianne and I did yesterday. I turned the back unused porch into a crip garden. A raised garden which I can reach and be responsible for. We put in a lot of work getting the area ready and then actually replanting the items we picked up at a couple “nurseries” we stopped at. We got the usual egg plants, peppers lettuce cabbage and other little guys I have completely forgotten. Its a cute space. I'll post images later. I also wish to continue my work outs with my SS and rickshaw. I must admit I have been consistent with my work outs. I am anxious to use the new lifting machine. We must work in some swimming and should have the physical piece complete. Now, I just have to focus on some socialization getting out and interacting with living people! This is the challenge but I bet I can do it. You know how you ask someone, when you leave them, 'is there anything I CAN DO FOR YOU'', and you think that you really mean it? Well as I was getting ready to leave my buddy who is in the hospital, Saturday. I asked him this question and I was shocked at what I thought/think his response was. I think he looked at me, smiled and said something like “talk to the bishop”. I am writing this event off as part of his general confusion. And even if that is what he said does he mean he wants another blessing ( I understand he has already had two maybe three), or talk to the bishop about me. Now, this guy has not been religious at all in all the time I have know him, but he also died twice last week and what else better to sharpen one's focus on how to save your fellow man. The day before I was totally blown away when the charge nurse looked at me and asked”who are you?” in my relation to the patient and my neighbor seemed to instantly focus for a second and said,” he's my best friend!”. What is strange both of these incidents of clarity are what I would refer as Steven King moments—a moment when supernatural forces intercede to change a story...has my story been changed?

Neighbor

- This is the end of one strange week. I knew something was wrong I first noticed the neighbor’s sons truck parked in front of my neighbors house, first in the middle of the week and then again on the weekend. There were national holidays or family celebrations, which is the only reason I every saw the blue truck parked out front in the past. Still I wanted to take the easy think out so I figured the son was helping with some difficult tasks—which is good. Then I noticed the son was mowing the lawn and then sirens and horns went off in my head that altering me there was something amiss. My neighbor is the kind of guy who has to have things done a certain way and that way is to do the job himself. HE WOULD NEVER LET ANYONE MOW HIS YARD BUT HIMSELF...unless he couldn’t. So with great trepidation I powered my chair over and caught the neighbor’s wife out watering their yard and asked her out right where he was. It seems my neighbor was involved in a vehicular accident last week, the air bags deployed slamming the mans head back giving him a brain bleed and who knows what else. He was in the ICU at tn the University Medical Center. Wow, I was blown away. She indicated she did not tell anyone because she did not want the extra attention—it just the way they are. They have been great neighbors over the twenty plus years we have lived here. She also told me her son had been over everyday to drive her up to the University to visit her husband since their vehicle is “totaled”. The car is fine except the air bags have to be re-installed at a cost of $5,000.00. I could not believe that. So the next day I saddled up and took the bus and train up to the Medical center to visit my neighbor. I have to admit I was little spooked at what I might find. I was amazed though when I got off the bus at the hospital's front door who should I see my my neighbor's wide and son in the lobby. I called out and finally got their attention. They were a bit taken aback to see me and to find out the only reason I was there was to visit my neighbor. They told me he was eating lunch and I should wait a bit before going up, which was fine with me as I headed for the cafeteria. I gave my neighbor a hour before I finally went up and found his room. I was a bit surprised at how little difficulty I had getting on the floor and rolling right into his room like I owned the place. I was shocked to see how debilitated my friend was: dazed and confused. It took couple of seconds for him to locate me—he seemed to hear my voice yet could not see me while he looked straight me—be his vision did kick in and he eventually saw me. My neighbor was amazed I was there visiting him—I answered by asking him where else would I be? Its not like we had a real deep conversation,I could tell I was difficult for him to keep focused. I went up again yesterday and he seemed a bit more stable but he was also busy. The P.T. folks were up and had him up and out of bed. He was so exhausted that buy the time they got him back to bed he was zonked so I left. I plan to go up today to. I'll visit again next week. Its the best thing I can do with my time right now...I need the work.

We saw smoke last night, coming from a light,we thought, above my sink in the kitchen. The smoke was not billowing but a whiff circling the light which plugged into the wall. The light was hot to the touch and we had figured we had isolated the problem. Dianne had invested in “puck” lights a few month ago. The small round lights which are battery operated and are great for closets, cupboards and place you need light. These lights are great for emergencies like last night. We really thought we had solved the problem so imagine my shock this morning when I was doing dishes ,I saw blue smoke coming from here somewhere in the back of the sink. This was totally weird I could not really see where the smoke was coming from. I called to Dianne to help me find the source. We had to do some major searching but finally found a socket and the smoke seemed to be seeping from behind the plug. The plug was hot to the touch so we unplugged all the items and sure enough the smoke ceased and thanked the angels or who ever that we still had our house and our lives. We have been in this house over twenty years. According to my neighbor, who was one of the first people in this neighborhood when the who neighborhood was a brand new sub division built shortly after World War II or Korea or something like that, anyway a long time. Somewhere along this houses history the owner added on and added new electrical stuff, circuit box, wiring, etc I m sure this guy thought he was quite the handyman but I think he did a half assed job. The electrical guy we called sort of thought a half assed job was done somewhere and he was glad he was here to fix the half assed job, cha chng!! We have had lights which have stopped working, wall sockets which will no longer hold a plug and other electrical mishaps so we decided to see how much we could get fixed in one visit. The cost it turns out to be in the thousands!! The electrical guy not only can repair the work but offer financing two or three different packages to choose from. But he I nice guy and seems to be willing to work with what ever we can do. I just want the place safe,the fridge on and cooling and the light switches to work when flipped. Once again, I feel like I/we am/are being watched over; most likely Dianne not me, I m sure if it was just me I would be a cinder right now. We took the financing and are getting most of the work cited done. We should have done this work years ago and it is a shame we wait till something serious threatens or happens. I keep getting the test and failing. How long will I test before I learn the lesson of living life proactively and save bundles of money in the process.

Kind of a Crazy Week

It's kind of been a crazy week, I really don't know where to start but the week is been for and somewhat excited. The spring that should not be too dismayed at the inclement weather I have survived. All week with temperatures have been depressed and there has been a good deal of rain. That's all good it's spring and I expect that. So Monday I did not go to 211 since management asked me to specifically start coming on Thursdays because that was the day there is a staff meeting, and that the staff meetings they often have presenters from the partners we represent. I cannot fault management for this move but I just have to say just one more stress or change 211 as inflicted on me and I was just enough for me to make a decision to discontinue my association with 211 and the good works that they do. I am trying not to be too much of a boob about this whole thing but I specifically opted to volunteer for Monday's because that's when I saw the need. Monday's are also good for me because it got me out dressed and out the door in downtown to an office setting given me the feeling of work. This set the tone for the remainder of my week all around the Monday volunteer day was a good experience. Wednesday night and Thursday morning I wrestled with my sleep and finally somewhere early in the morning I realized I was done with my work at 211. Where the decision was somewhat painful I felt good making the decision and moving on with my life. After all I had volunteered many hours at 211. I enjoyed the people I worked with so very much, I enjoy the building, I enjoy being downtown. But with this last decision of working Thursdays I just cannot do it. I suppose I could've done better as far as dropping the bomb on everyone all at once Thursday morning but it was the best I could do. Of course my fellow workers were bummed out and certainly went out of their way to make you feel guilty, in a good way. I suppose they would've liked to have some sort of a going away party but that's exactly what I did not want. They did however send around a number of cards which they signed small sayings it was nice. I was surprised at how emotional I was as the day ended there was a round of funding and a few tears as I headed out the door for the last time. Earlier in the week I was on a bus route that I rarely take going up to University medical Center to get signatures for a bus pass. I don't know why I was on the bus that bus but at one stop in the avenues the person entered the bus stopped and called me by name and I was shocked to find Steve Erickson, a person I been thinking about a lot in the last few weeks but there he was. I think this meeting important in that it may have something to do with the next step in my life as I close out working at 211.

Hello Thursday

Its Monday and I feel I should be at my volunteer job at 211 but as you can read I am not. I am at home trying to stay awake and trying to enjoy my Monday. I even went with DD this morning for her mammogram over at St Mark's being the wonderful supportive husband that I am. Then we visited with Bridget an Asher ending up at Mc Donald s where we had a fine visit. We next spent a couple of hours at Goodwill. Whats with this time ? I was pulled aside during my last shift at 211 by the new director and asked if I would shift my volunteer to Thursday. Thursday?!! I chose Mondays because that use to be the busy day. I also like Monday because it the first day of the week. I like the fact I have to be somewhere on Monday morning early. I stop at Starbucks get my latte, socialize briefly the travel into town and “work”. This routine feels good for a Monday I don't know how this fly on a Thursday. It seems the new director wants me to attend the staff meeting held every Thursday afternoon at 3:00 pm. Many times at the staff meeting a guest from the outside is invited to present about the organization they represent. This in service training helps the operator keep on top of services and resources 211 represents. It makes sense but I hate being messed with. Thursday is getting to the end of the week, I like to feel things are winding down not starting up. It just feels weird but I really do not have anything else to do. I no longer have Wellness and I work out at home. So I am going to give Thursday working a try and see what happens besides it will just mean getting done with my day a little early since the meeting begins at 3:00 pm and I leave at 4:30 so I will be done with my phone day when the meeting begins. Perhaps the real question I need to be considering is “ does 211 still need me”. One of the big pretenses I used to keep on at 211 was the fact that Monday traditionally was the heavy call day all the traumas and question would be unleashed on Monday no so anymore, many times I will go minutes between calls, that use to never happen. The have more then enough operators, maybe I am not needed like I used to think I was, maybe just maybe it's time to move on.

The Shame ...Oh the Shame

Lawn mowers cutting, edgers making a racket and the odor of fresh cut grass fills the air. Saturday morning in the neighborhood. I really miss not mowing my yard.. I think I loved mowing yards so much because the function of mowing is so mindless, sort of like coloring, one just has to stay inside the lines—actually mowing is more forgiving the coloring because , with mowing I could always go back and fix the problem, coloring once your outside of the lines the mistake is there for all to see, perhaps the mistake can be fixed but usually not. I guess if there is a draw back to mowing the yard, depending on how big the yard is, is the monotony, pushing the angry little mower round and round in an ever smaller circle or just back and forth in row after row for the entirety of the lawn. But I truly think I like the process and the ability to look back on the job completed and see what I had done. I do not get that pleasure much at this stage of my life and disability. I don't know the reason or problem or if there even is a problem but we have not been mowing our yard as we have in years past, so the yard had grown almost wildly which doe not bother me too much except I KNOW that our neighbors care a lot about how their lawns look and I think there by default how our yard appears. Nothing has been said but I could sense a subtle tension growing in the neighborhood. I notice when yard worker trucks go past our house, many time they slow when they see the height of the grass. In fact I have been approached twice while siting on my ramp in the front of the house by “land capers” who want to know if they could be contracted to mow our yard and trim our trees. I always say no and let it go. A couple of weeks ago and I was approached by a industrious Hispanic fellow. He asked the usual, could he mow that yard and I said no and he left. So the next morning imagine my surprise when I heard lawn mowers crank up and I heard regular Saturday morning racket for the neighborhood. I figured it was Lew my next door neighbor but the mowers sounded way to loud and when I looked out the door, it was Pedro cutting my lawn. I of course was still naked but Dianne was dressed and I sent her out to check out what was happening. I heard the mowers shut down and I thought that was that—but almost as soon as they mowers had shut down there were started back up and Dianne returned to tell me that Dan the neighbor across the street had payed to have our yard mowed. In a split second I bewildered, shocked, grateful and humiliated. What was Dan the neighbor doing paying to have our yard cut?? WAS I THAT SLOTHFUL ENOUGH as a neighbor that my neighbors were paying to have my yard look presentable? The feelings I was experiencing was like the time at Barnes n Noble when the soccer mom bought my cookies—but that was different, I never had to see the good Samaritan again but I have to see Dan everyday, I like Dan I actually care when Dan thinks of me. Dianne said Dan just wanted to do something nice for us, so he had the little guy cut our yard once. How sweet! But I got the message—get your yard in order or we will do it gin until you break. So we did. Pedro is now coming over every two weeks throughout the summer mowing the yard front and back—and we can afford it. I still have yet to talk to Dan about the whole thing, I let Dianne thank him—I have waved at Dan a couple of times but no communication about the lawn mowing. I wish my wife would let me buy a riding lawn mower.

May Day 2014

Like a script, like a schedule May began today as a beautiful, clear and warm morning followed by a spectacular day of calm breezes temps in the 60's a perfect day. I of course botched the morning by staying up till 2:00 am this morning ( stupid !). I did not even get up until 10:00 am—the morning gone and all the things I could do. I plan to change that behavior getting to bed by ten and waking by six a.m. to get the most of my conscience day.

Now that I am not going to Wellness, I must be vigilant of my time and not waist time as I have a tendency to do. I have so much more time to fill, its easy to do nothing. I continue to be somewhat faithful to my workout schedule. I spinning at least three days a week as I did when I was going to Wellness and lifting (rickshaw) at least two days a week. Once I get the rickshaw in a more accessible spot I may press more. I am anxious to get something I can use as a rowing machine. I still peruse KSL.com to see if a cheap used home gym might be available—still if I were to find such a device where would I keep it? I am deluding myself in to thinking I could keep the machine out on the deck and use it there during the warm, hot and dry months, and keep a tarp or something over the machine when I was not using—again what would I do come winter season?? I have also just about decided to return to the Senior Center and force myself into their weight room and make that resource available to me—and others in wheelchairs. Am I BEING too redundant ? Have you all heard this rant before? How do I move on. I also fear being at home the mount of time I am I am now have the experiences to keep a blog populated. Oh well, OI think the real challenge is to just keep writing and the content will follow.

Alan K., a figure from my past has actually reached out to me lately, via Facebook and we are going to have lunch sometime next week. I am looking forward to spending time with Alan to see how to old crips are settling into old age. Alan is a para and of course Al is a lot more physical then I am but I think we still have commonalities and a shared history of no little color. Once I have lunched with Al, I then have a number of other friends I also wish to lunch with-- these are guy in wheelchairs, guys with disabilities I have a shared history, people I feel are really interesting and have interesting stories.

Dianne has really been working hard on our computers cleaning them up, ridding them of viruses and kidnapping bugs. She has done great and impressive job she even has my scanner working again which means I can get back to the Image project which really excites me. We also have to get back into the garage, to do some cleaning and arranging and allow me to get back workbench and hook project.

I love May. May gives me such hope...