Frustration

I think one of the worst parts about disability is losing one's Independence. I think I've stated the number of times in this document that I was totally independent as an adolescent before the wreck that made me a quadriplegic. And afterwards I got around that whole concept of dependency at least I conned myself into believing I was probably more independent than I was but I still did a lot of stuff by myself after the first couple years of the disability coming back home living at home and going to school again as a person with a significant disability. But nothing stopped to me I eventually got to be able to dress myself again bathe myself toilet myself and basically push myself to do things that other quads couldn't do even though it's only a partial quad. Now that I've had my, what I call second disability, and that's the stenosis I had a couple years ago which took basically took away my right side more or less- that's the way I should not complain because I still have quite a bit of ability on my right side but not like I had before. I can't get on and off the toilet by myself nor can I get in and out of the shower by myself which I could all do before the stenosis. Tonight is one of those nights I wish I could throw myself back on the toilet like I used to take care of my business and get on with my life. My stomach's gurgling tonight which might be air / gas or it might be a wet runny one. I don't know why tonight would be the date for unexpected bowel movement like certainly feel it and if I had my arms back I could do just that I could transfer onto the toilet dump my load and get back into doing what I need to do- - just like a normal person but now I'm a quadriplegic for sure. I texted my main caregiver that I'm having gurgling sounds you might not make it through the night. However, tomorrow is her early day that means she shows up around 6:30 a.m. hopefully and if I am a mess we can clean it up early me along with it and then I hopefully will be good to go for the weekend. I am fortunate that I have Melissa who does like me a lot and will really drop a lot of stuff to give me support. All I need to call her day or night if she's needed and she usually gets here relatively soon, usually. That's okay the service provider that I use who basically hires Melissa doesn't have any kind of a backup system for when you have emergency poop outs so I don't feel bad Contracting with the girl on our own time and paying her direct. Now totally appreciated her being able to focus on my well-being trying to be as independent as possible. It could be a long night but I plan to double up on my checks and pull out one of the giant diapers that I have access to and hopefully that might mitigate the issues if anything does happen it's all quite frustrating…