It is the weirdest thing I
have to admit. After yesterday's revelation about what the members of
the chapter bookclub whose staff died recently. I did not think this
really bothered me too much as we plowed into the next few chapters
of the volume. I figured we are okay and I figured I was okay but I
think I was wrong.
After I returned home I
had a regular Thursday night and try to get to bed a little early so
I can do some reading and take some weight off my behind which I've
been trying to do all week. I read for a while then figured I was
ready for sleep the sleep is not ready for me. I think somewhere in
my subconscious I was trying to process the death of Kellie. I'm not
sure how she spelled her name. I tossed and I turned searching
desperately for sleep but could not find the unconscious anywhere. I
watched the clock go from 10 o'clock, to 11 to 12 and later. I was
surprised at how cool the weather got. I had my window opened a crack
all summer long and it was just a small crack but I found the
temperature cold even under my great white Pdiddy jacket. I was even
frightened that I wasn't going to make it through the night myself
that my staff would find the this morning at 7 AM dead in my bed.
2 o'clock went to 3
o'clock and and for a short moment or two I began to get drowsy
hoping desperately to fall asleep. However, the drowsiness left. At
this moment I decided to get back into my book and read some more
which I did for about a half hour. Finally around 4 o'clock I began
to drowsy out again this time I actually slept for about an hour. On
the days my staff comes I try to get up by 6 AM so that I'm ready. I
also like to have coffee made it be in my chair so we can get the
business done and I can get on with my day to let my person go to
hers. I was totally enveloped in that fog of lack of sleep but I did
get up. I was kind of excited for the state because I would be having
lunch with two of my previous bosses and I was excited. By staff
actually gave me some great information about processing the death of
someone by a doing a ritual of saying goodbye. This sounds a little
New Age but what is there to lose? That point in the day/night
anything is open discussion between letting the deceased go even if I
didn't realize I needed to do so.
I'm tired and I'm really
hoping tonight I'm going to find some sleep. Think I will come not to
worried one where the other. I don't think I'm going to be as
fatalistic as I was last night however I am thinking very seriously
about developing a systematic end-of-life document that my kids will
be able to use to clear the old man out. So the next couple of weeks
going to be contacting the crematorium as well as anything else I
need to set up for such an event. The event is coming one where the
other… No doubt about it.
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