Happy Hallowing… I guess

Weather is finally turning cold. I noticed with some despair this morning as I was cranking up my various pieces of media that the temperature was hovering around 30° which means they'll be ice in places. Not that bothers me since I don't really have anywhere to go today still though it testifies that even colder weather is on its way for the next couple of months.

I have to admit I am becoming a little concerned about how much of a homebody I am becoming. I don't know if I need to be pressing myself to find things to do outside of the apartment complex more than I already am are except the somewhat reinforcing behavior of hanging around my apartment in doing maintenance operations like my daily arm bike, adding to my blog picking up around the apartment, washing the clothes cooking and try not to eat what I cook. I still have a couple of meetings a week out in the community but should I be doing more? I don't have anywhere to go for safe to visit. I should but I'm just not doing that. A little worried about my butt I don't want to put any undue stress on it but I think I should be doing more. Having said that it seems whenever I go out I just spend money and am getting so I don't enjoy spending money for fear of becoming impoverished I feel impoverished but I don't think that I am tomorrow is the first and I will pay some bills and then see I have significant amount to live on the rest of the month. Of course that means December will be upon us in 30 days or so and then I had the same stress during the Christmas gifting but little bit I do.

This morning when I weighed I was at 104.4 kg this is actually down to kilograms I think. If I lost anything but certainly not as much as I thought I would and I can't tell if the apple cider vinegar diets have an impact I need to be patient. This means I'll just have to be hypervigilant, eat more salads and watch the amount of input I do caloric wise. I was really hoping I would've lost more weight chair felt like I was starving the last two days but maybe I lost some and it's just one day the time that's what I'm doing on this Halloween day 2018. Hoping to lose weight 1 cal of the time heading into the most caloric written months of the year. Happy Halloween

Half Way

I'm halfway there. Where ever “there” is. It was last week and I was out cruising around in my power chair when for one reason or another I glanced down at the odometer and saw that it was standing exactly at 2600. 2600 that's miles I put on this chair since I got it a couple of years ago.

I was so disappointed when I got this chair. I really expected so much more when I sat down with my physical therapist at the time. I actually was still taking my physical therapy/medical services from the University of Utah. Sadly, I cannot remember my physical therapists name though I totally believed in her. She seemed to me to do everything right, she was your hip totally cool, feminist/gay professional. I will call her Sandy for now, but I remember sitting down with Sandy and the marketing rep for the durable medical operation I was purchasing my chair from and going over what I wanted and what I needed in my power chair and what my insurance would cover. The covered a lot of stuff that day and I really thought I put my foot down on a lot of stuff that I didn't want. I wanted power chair that would go 8 miles an hour as fast as the chair that I was giving up. I'd pretty much worn the guts out of my chair it was time for something new. There is also the problem of keeping my feet on the foot pedals of the chair. I didn't realize it at the time but the problem I was having was not necessarily my foot pedals is much as it was the stenosis I didn't realize that was occurring. It seemed my legs) more and more spastic. Sandy and mind durable medical guy started talking over my head like I wasn't there. They talked about a “foot box” in the maybe even showed me a picture and all I can see was what looked like a giant front loader on the front of a power chair. I did everything that yell that I didn't want this device and I really thought I'd made my thoughts known.

A month or two later I was notified that my my new chair was in and I needed to come and pick it up at the hospital as well as to have my physical therapist and durable medical person finish fitting the chair to my body. I still remember rolling into the rehab unit at the University medical Center in seeing this power chair with everything that I did not want on it especially the “front and loader”. I wasn't going to take it was good to leave it there but in the end I caved. I think the chair sat in my living room a week before I started using the chair. Not only was the “front loader” offensive but the charitably go 6 miles an hour. I had to get special authorization and justification to get the extra 2 miles an hour from the chair which I would love to have had but was not to be especially sense I was no longer working. I think now I've almost had the chair possibly three years and I've grown to really quite enjoy the product. However, the chairs making very strange noises grinding noises when I lay my chair back are bring it back up to a sitting position. I've grown to totally love the “front end loader” even after my stenosis operations I need to have the foot boxes on my chair to keep my feet on the chair especially when I transfer from my bed to the chair in the mornings getting up. I like the boxes so much that I found a pair of use boxes over at UCAT/create which I'm having installed on my back up chair when I can. I'm so excited to have a back up chair that really will be usable when I need it. Quite frankly I don't know if my current chair will last another two years. The image on the posting today is the picture of the 2600 miles on my odometer. The last picture like this I posted is when I let go of the other chair and it read 5000!

Happy Birthday My Friend!

I probably turn on my computer at least once every single day. And you know if your member or have a Facebook account, Facebook notifies you when people in your group have birthdays. I daresay that I consider this invaluable but it's nice and I usually go right then and there over to whoever's account birthday it is and leave a comment. This morning was no different in two of my favorite “Al's” came up. This is not a big deal except for one of the “Als” is dead and has been for a couple years. His name is actually Albert and he is my next-door neighbor when I lived in Murray.

Nothing exemplifies the huge machine that Facebook is more than these birthday notifications. Nothing is going to deter them from throwing up whatever information is written on their memory banks. I doubt that is by design that notifications spring up long after the individual is deceased. It's just that some of is too lazy to go in and clean up the residuals. Who knows, maybe that's exactly what Facebook wants to keep this record active for as long as the system exists. I must admit that after the initial shock of seeing my friends name come up and then the flash of anger at having lost a person dear to me and then thinking to yourself/myself why not? Treat the individual or notification as if they still existed on this plane of reality. Now Albert is not the only one this happens with. There's also my good old buddy Clarence McIntire M.D. Who also, I dearly miss. That's the only two I can think of right off. Maybe there are others and maybe there next of kin have actually gone in and remove them from the Facebook “family”. Seriously, Facebook is a relatively new phenomenon and what few people I know who are dead croaked long before Facebook existed.

I don't know what it was that clicked between Albert and me. We were fairly different in a lot of ways. Albert didn't really understand my way of thinking. Albert was logical and concise and very practical. Albert was exact he knew where everything was that he owned. He could never understand the fact that I did not really know what the budgets of my life were, how much I spent on this or how much I spent on that. I didn't do the books in the family. You is from a time when the had the family controlled everything. Many times he just looked at me and shook his head. That was okay he tolerated me and like a puppy fed once I returned over and over again to his porch to visit.

If Albert were still alive today Albert would be 90 something. I wonder if it's still be able to come out of his house as he always did and sit on the porch steps and visit with me. It would be different now even if he were alive and can do that since I don't longer lived next door. I really have not been back to my neighborhood sense I left the house couple years ago. I would however return today to my old neighborhood and Murray and sit in my power chair opposite Albert city on his porch and visit for as long as he could stand it. I miss you Albert happy birthday wherever you are and I hope your time is enjoyable.

He Ain't Heavy...he's adopted.

Halloween week started today I guess you would not believe it was the last week of October because the weather's been so beautiful. I noticed that particularly this morning but I went out to test the temperature to see if I needed to wear a jacket or a hat or whatever when I had to run to the market later on in the morning. The morning was warm and inviting. Later when I did go out to read, in the parking lot by my van, the wind was blowing. An autumn wind I really noticed for the first time because I heard the rustle of the leaves. I had noticed the least falling from the branches but they have been perhaps slow at first but now there are enough leaves to make that whooshing sound whenever the wind riles up and moves the whole group. I know now to what is going to change surely significantly so. I used to think that the leaves piled up in nooks and crannies in the neighborhood would last forever or a long time into the winter but I have been wrong. It seems like the minute I notice these piles of summer remembrances that the changing colts snap hits and is always accompanied by rain and our snow or both. The rain comes in saturates these fine piles of leaves which turns soggy and almost overnight seems to rot turn into a sludge, mudge of plant nutrient – – a dinner that only a plant could love.

I haven't heard a full-scale weather report today except for what little snippets you hear on the teasers between television shows about “big change in the weather is coming… Tune in at 10”. I did check out one of those Internet weather forecasting sites, you know the kind, the kind that has either the sunshine are clouds in front of the sunshine images over the coming days. Looks like the temperatures got drop 20° from the day (today was about 75°!) So were lI was workingooking in the 50s. It's not a huge drop but there's also a chance of rain by Thursday. The rain doesn't look significant at this point but who knows? I always have to remember that these forecasters are doing just their best guess scenarios and that with active weather happening all the time especially with the amount of hurricanes which seem to be operating off our coasts something might break off and head in… And I think it well. Probably not a lot of moisture but enough to make a lot of ghosties and goblins – – and parents – – uncomfortable for the upcoming all hallows Eve.

I almost forgot to mention, I was working in my bedroom this morning, hanging up the wash, and I got a phone call – – for one reason or another I can never answer the phone while the phone is ringing. I have to call back always. I didn't pay much attention at first because I thought it was another sales call but then I noticed the phone number (which I did not recognize) was from Idaho. I never get sales calls from Idaho so I called the phone call back it was for my older brother, Ross. I was a little concerned, Ross never calls me but he did today. He was interested in my finding of my birth family. Ross like me is adopted. It's complicated, but I really haven't told him about finding my family because I was afraid it would hurt his feelings and feel like I was abandoning him. He and I have been abandoned enough that it need to add another level to his feelings of being left behind. I felt bad and a bit embarrassed for not having confided in him. We had a good conversation talked about some old stuff and new stuff. He's healthy, he's cancer free and that means a lot. I love the guy he's my brother he ain't heavy… I just had to say that.

"To Sleep… To Dream"

Click this link for Talking Heads "And She Was'

I just love the , Talking Heads, don't you? I don't think there is any song of theirs that I do not like. I don't know if it's the time from which I remember I was first exposed to David Byrne and his music but the music has a great way of carry me away to another place and time. But maybe think of this tonight has been pondering flying dreams. This last Thursday at the Coffee Social I was surprised when I made the comment that of all the dreams that I have the dream I enjoy the most is the dream that I'm flying. I don't have that dream very much anymore, but I do enjoy the dream and sensation when I have it. I was kind of surprised when I found that when I said this all the other ladies (yes, I am the only male participant that regularly attends the social and I am the youngest) excitedly agreed. All of them went out on a tangent of talking about their own dream and how strange it was to them. Now, this was kind of a bummer for me because I was using this suggestion of the dream phenomenon of flying to segue into the dream I have of walking – – now I do like I said, have that flying dream – – and how that dream makes me feel.

Of course, did not have this dream before my accident, 50 some years ago. I don't remember how soon after the accident that I started having this walking dream. I do not have the same dream of walking, I have a dream that I'm walking, but it's always in a different environment. Sometimes I had the dream that I'm up and walking and other times I'm sitting, not necessarily in my wheelchair, but then I well for one reason or another standup and walk. What is really weird to me is that I will be walking then suddenly realize I am walking and have this weird feeling that I should not be doing walking. Sometimes I become somewhat frightened that I will suddenly stop walking and fall. This rarely happens in the dream. Another dream I have which is somewhat similar is becoming aware that I'm walking in my dream sequence and not really understanding how I am doing this but it seems somewhat normal. And all the situations I am not walking really well. I sort of have that cerebral palsy stumble phenomenon going on. I'm not embarrassed or frightened as much as I am in a state of wonder, knowing that I should not be walking or that I can't be walking but I am.

When I was an adolescent. My dad and I went to this process of getting me up and crutches, which was really unique for someone with my spinal cord injury. Luckily I had spasticity so significant my legs to stay straight and allowing put weight on them, with great effort than I could actually drag 1 foot in front of the other. I doubt built parallel bars for me to use which I walk up and down every day for a couple of years. And like I said I would also get myself up standing with crutches. None of this, however, was productive and eventually I just realized I'd always be in a wheelchair of one sort or another. I'm not complaining. I just want to share my “walking” dream which I have every once in a while… Not as often as I would like that. Then again I never tire of a walking dream.

Cow in a Can

Click for a pdf of beef receipts

Last night I was hunger bored so I opened up one of my cans of “government beef” (GB). As the dedicated reader knows I am eligible for food bank or as I call it food bank Saturday. That's the day I go across the street and see what treats I get from my food bank. The reader also knows that I am very keen on collecting giveaway food at the sharing shelf at the apartment complex for I love – – that place where people who have something they do not want can leave for somebody who might be interested. On the third Friday of the month here, people who are eligible, get food boxes. I did not, but many people when they get their food box do not want puts inside. It's just many times. The food is the same every month, dried beans (all different kinds), canned vegetables, juices, all kinds of food that people get inundated with an rather than drag a heavy box home leave what they don't want on the shelf. I of course then swing by and cherry pick anything that I want. I often grab the cans of beef, USDA canned beef. Really big cans of beef like stuff you could make a whole meal out of. I must confess, I've gotten four or five cans of this product, but I haven't really used any of the canned beef. Truth is, I've been a bit intimidated on how to use the beef when I open the can.I keep getting the cans of beef just because It just seems like such a valuable commodity. It's that part of me that survivor part that wants to put it in my closet for a rainy day, i.e. when there's no other food available.

I was enchanted/thrilled at how appetizing (to me). This little lump of beef is. I ate four or five fork fulls just to check the taste. I immediately saw how I could use this product is so many things that I consume. Sloppy Joe's, marinara sauce, tacos, stirfry, casserole and on and on. I even got inspiration to see if there is any kind of recipes developed for canned beef, preferably, USDA canned beef. I was delighted to find there is a number of links to various recipes or sites dedicated to cooking with USDA products. I even downloaded one sheet of recipes. It's fantastic! It looks like it was initially released in the 1930s, probably during the Great Depression, when canned beef and other delights were being made available to people caught in that low financial cycle. I'm going to try to include that for the image on this posting this stuff is great. If not, I'll try to go back and find a link to this page. I don't expect anybody else to be as excited as I am about finding a way to utilize this government supplied food, but it's there if you want it. Brown hash, panda cabbages and corned beef, hot beef and onion sandwich, tamale pie and so much more. And these are all items I can use the USDA can be for. I've got a can of sloppy Joe mix been kicking around my closet for years, I think I'm going to use that can of sauce today and add the rest of the canned beef to see how it works for sloppy Joe's.

I'm going to continue collecting these cans of beef now the beef up my pantry (excuse the pun) and I'm going to use them all through this next winter. Play like him in a depression, and somehow have been given this can of meat product and totally enjoy the illusion.

Halloween Party!

This week is turning out to be a very busy week. Today is always a busy day, as I see busy days, but when I was at the Independent living center yesterday, Deb let me know that today was the Halloween party.she also on the nullified be able to come. I have not made a Halloween party in so many years. I figured why not. I have the coffee group in the morning, which is done now and I have a break with the number of hours before the 4 o'clock bookclub. I have more than enough time to head back down the Salt Lake to the independent living center and hang out for a little bit.

There are four items that always had to be in the independent living centers, newsletter. I was the editor of the newsletter for years and years when I was at the independent living center. Really the only thing the Wasatch Scope really was the announcer mechanism for upcoming events. The independent living center offers a Christmas party, summer picnic, Halloween party and the summer camp out. It was the hardest thing to try to ride herd on all the different people at the independent living center to get the articles I needed so I can put the paper together and have it proofed and okayed and sent out in time to be an effective document lay people know of the upcoming event. I was putting together the Wasatch , Scope in the old days when the independent living center had quite a small staff five, maybe six people. It was like pulling teeth to get these guys to write articles regarding their programs. I don't know how Kim/Deb publishes the Scope now with a staff of like 20 or 30 people. Publishing the newsletter now would drive me crazy just as well that I'm gone.

Today is one of those calendar events holiday party. In the old days, the party was held at the disabled veteran center and would run from four in the afternoon to about 8 o'clock in the evening. Now, however, the Halloween party like all the other events has miniaturized. Now, which ran from around 11 o'clock to 2 o'clock, they usually offer a small lunch of some kind, today I think it's chili. Deborah encourages participants to dress as their favorite character, but I never do. The closest I ever came was wearing a black turtleneck with a piece of white tape and call myself a priest.

Over the years, some staff has tried to encourage some gameplaying is a way for staff to intermingle with the consumers. I've never really got any traction. The population. The independent living center serves as significantly changed as well. There used to be a lot more folks with physical disabilities and their families. In many cases. There was occasional DD folks who are also part of our service base, but not very many comparatively speaking. There are other programs in the community that better met their needs. The phys/Dizz component is all but disappeared and their service contact is largely developmental disabled populations. That's all good, more or less. Kind of odd, though folks with physical disabilities only are falling through the cracks. Once again. History is doomed to repeat itself.

It should be fun going to the center and just hanging out and doing some visiting …saveand knowing I can leave whenever I want.

Already Wednesday?!

I think I would much rather stayed home today and sat in the sun and read the book I'm currently “sawing” through. It's a huge volume by my standards. Maybe close to 900 pages, but I'm working through it day by day, night by night and enjoying the read as I go along. Today would've been perfect for a epic read, but no, I decided I would go in and visit with Deborah my old boss and maybe go to a DRAC meeting. I'd forgotten it was the last Wednesday of the month. Dick for DRAC called yesterday and left a message on my phone. I knew what it was about. I was almost resigned to the fact that I was not going to go. However, since I had promised Deborah that I would visit with her some afternoon regarding the phenomenon of my finding my bio – family, I figured why not do it today?

I only outlining the premise the back story because I wanted to reinforce the issue which is much as I like to think I'm a technical guy, Mr. computer head, Internet guru. I am really just an Internet idiot. Another old guy who likes to think they're cutting-edge but whose cutting-edge has gotten dull, very dull. I had brought my 10.1 tablet so that I could show Deb images of the new family. I know Deb loves images/pictures. Of course, when we finally settled down in the afternoon sun. I can't access the Internet the way I need to. I don't really have many images of the family, but different members of the family who have Facebook accounts have posted a host of images. I was hoping to tie into one of those Facebook accounts to show Deb just how many of us there are. As I said I couldn't get any images up even with Kim, there who is a major computer had and knows how to do this kind of stuff par excellence. We got a few images up. However, enough to stoke the conversation and keep it going. In the course of the visit, I found that tomorrow is the annual Halloween party and maybe I can back up some images that show Deb, then.

I don't know why I just can't stop going to the DRAC meetings. I clearly don't enjoy the meetings and I feel guilty eating their food, but not really offering a great deal. I soothe myself by saying this group wants as many people at their functions as possible. I was late getting out of the independent living center. So I came on to the DRAC meeting after it had gotten quite a bit into its agenda, which was okay by me. I ate a big bowl of potato chips and a piece of chocolate cake with a little bit of frosting. I was not glared at and no one asked me to participate. So I sat there like a bump on a log and waited for the meeting to run its course. I give them credit because they continue to meet and they really do continue to want to change things. Today, some attorney Guy who is affiliated with DRAC was rambling on about things, if he is an attorney, I question how good of attorney he is. Truly, someone who likes to hear themselves talk. He's doing this pro bono I guess. I'm sure he's going to charge DRAC and they're going to pay. Like I said, I continue to show up. I don't quite know why, except I do like to encourage the underdog, even if that underdog does not know how far it's under.

So, I didn't get any time to read during this day. Hopefully I'll go to bed early tonight and munch some chapters then. But, I must say it was a good day. I touched a couple bases. I felt somewhat accomplished and got to ride the system.

Sky Pilot

Big, John Longo

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As my best ex brother-in-law Johnny Longo would say, “this is been a perfectly righteous autumn afternoon.” I just got in from riding the system to and from my regular Tuesday meet at Assist, Inc. We gave away a couple of thousand dollars and home repairs, and I feel great. It's hard to see the change in season here in Taylorsville, but when I get to downtown Salt Lake my eyes are opened to the colors and the majesty of leaves turning with the season. It is still just a little early for the trees to begin dumping their leaves. In fact, the trees, a barely began to turn but there is certainly on their way. I suspect by my next Assist meeting believes will be falling in earnest, then marching down the sidewalk in great parades as the wind blows and the leaves dance.

Johnny Longo is my favorite sky pilot, a born-again, saved to the soul Bible thumper. I doubt if you will ever read this, John, if you do know that I say these things in love and respect. Johnny, of course, is ex-military living in the backwoods of North Carolina. He's kind of a hero to me. If not, legend. I first met John, of course, when I was married to Dianne in the early 90s. Johnny had just joined the family or something like that, but he was coming through a couple times a year to the Air Force Base, 50 or 60 miles from Salt Lake. I was so impressed because when Johnny could he would actually write his bike or a bike from the base and Ogden, Utah to our house in Murray. He would pump it like the distance was nothing. This guy loved life. I think he still loves life.

Johnny was a lifer in the Air Force. He spent a lot of time in the Middle East doing who knows what Air Force people do over there. He also had some “special assignments in the Middle East after his retirement. John is now fullbore Christian. I think he should be a preacher, Johnny would be a great preacher. As I mentioned, he might be a little intense for me but for others, I'm sure Johnny would be the perfect pilot to get them through life's rough seas. Since I'm no longer part of his family. I just track Johnnie through social media and can see that he is blending into the community very well. He drives bus like public transit. That worries me a little. Just because there are so many crazies out there and many of them use public transit, believe me I know. Maybe this is exactly where Johnny needs to be. Maybe a greater power knows this is where Johnny can do the most good with the zeal and commitment. The man has to the Word. I hope he is finally called to a service that he truly deserves and desires to spend his hours, days, and life in the service of his fellow man, and Jesus Christ.I miss my ex brother-in-law, not that we were ever very close, but his intensity is quite enjoyable in small amounts.

Monday Musings

Weight: 104.2 kg

It's going to be slow and I'm just going to have to be patient as I whittle off the weight that I put on last couple weeks. I don't know if it was a homemade pizza or a Mexican dinner that I stretched over three meals or movie popcorn and a half a box of milk duds, Dana my home health person says it's most likely all the above and I think she is right. However, I am down .2 kg, which is about 1 pound. I suspect. I'm in it to win it. I'm in for the long run. I just came in from sitting outside trying to read in what's left of a quickly dwindling Indian summer. The clouds are moving in with possible showers tonight and tomorrow. I am doggedly holding onto my short pants for as long as I can. I do wish summer would last for ever. Tomorrow I have my weekly meeting downtown, which I plan to attend rain or shine. I'm just glad I have some her that I have to be.

For some strange reason I have taken to reading beside my wheelchair van out of the back parking lot of my apartment complex. I like to be there during the Indian summer type days. Even though the sun may be not all that warm, having the sun reflect off the white van increases the warmth I feel. Plus, I think I like the fact that my van is there – – even though I do not drive it myself the van is still there it's a link to my past life. Is that strange? I would have no problem giving the van up for the right amount of money, but still, because because the van is there I feel comfortable I feel comfortable sitting beside it catching the heat often old friend.

These are Monday musings. I know. I really don't have a real focus today on something I can write 500 words on. Actually it's not completely true, I did have a thought while I was just beginning my arm bike workout. I flashed on an idea that I was quite intrigued with and felt that that would be the subject of the day. I conned myself into believing I would remember this subject when I was finished. I'm so dumb! When I learn seize the moment! I should've stopped un-gloved and either dictated or written down enough information that would allow me to go back and developed a thought,of course the topic is gone. I've been pondering this do in fact I only get one topic per day? And if I don't move on that when I receive the inspiration. I'm left out in the cold. Well I'm sad to say I think that's exactly the lesson that I'm being trained on. Seize the moment – – there's nothing more important than that thought at that moment and if I can stop what I'm doing and document the thought that's what I need and I'm going to do. Because now I have an addiction. I have to write every day, and I want to do the 500 words at least every day. Even if it's just a day of musings like today… Monday musings.

Sunday Frustration

I'm so frustrated. I just needed when I can't figure out technology. I mean, I'm not a real genius in the first place. I'd like to think that I was especially in the area of technology, but it's just not that way for me. Anyway, for the last couple of months. I don't know what the problem is with my bed, but often when I hit the mattress to go to bed at night I start hearing a clicking sound.

I can't remember, but I think I've written about my motorized bed before. This is the bed, Dianne got me when I was in the hospital actually when I set the rehab facility. This was the bed. I was going to use… Probably for the rest of my life. Anyway, it's not a bad be. The bed is totally motorized up function down function, raising the mattress plus I can raise the foot of the bed, as well as the head of the bed. If I did not have this piece of equipment. I could not live independently, as I am doing now. I think this bed is the next step in technology. It does not have motors as I remember on other hospital beds. I've seen from the old school. The actual mechanism that moves the mattress up and down are actually hydraulic pistons. Pretty interesting set up a lot less complicated than the old mechanical motors. However, as I've said, the past couple of weeks when I transferred in the bed and got situated on my side, how I usually sleep turn off my light, and then try to sleep I start hearing these snapping, clicking sounds. I've been at a loss in describing the sound however, when I described the sound to my health care professional/Dana. Dana described the sound as “settling” and that was exactly the sound I'm hearing. It's like a weight hits something that is being suspended and then that suspension process accepts the weight, but in doing so, there is some stress and that sounds like a clicking noise. Is that makes sense? I don't know how else to explain it. I almost forgot. I also get the sensation at times that the bed is sinking or is lowering itself.

As I said hydraulic pistons drive the bed. I'm wondering if these hydraulic pistons are wearing out. This is where I start diagnosing any problem that I trying to work out and develop all kinds of scenarios of what the problem might be. I think after a significant amount of times and I'm thinking seals on these hydraulic pistons might be wearing out. The clicking sound is something to do with the hydraulic not being as strong as it once was, and it sort of slipping. Like if I don't raise the top of the bed. There is no sound. So if I can learn to look sleep horizontal with no lift on my head up at all. I'm home free. But, there's something wrong. When I called them, manufacturer, I got hold of a guiding Cedric. Of course he didn't know what us talking about and like an idiot. I offered the idea that if he heard it, but that help but of course he said yes because that's going to buy him time. I'm going to have to figure out how to send them a copy of the recording of the sound. Guess what? I got a copy of the sound. I sleep with my cell phone. Anyway, in case of emergency. So when I woke up the other night and the bed was making the sound. I flipped on my cell phone in the video mode to record the sound is a video. I know there's a way just to record the sound as a recording, but I don't have that figured out yet. I figured that if I just did a video that would still present the sound even if I took just a video and there's nothing there to see, that's okay because it's dark. Anyway the middle of the night. Well actually, what happened was I started recording the video and then promptly fell asleep and I guess 59 minutes later, my cell phone shut itself off. Actually, the bed only made noises for about 18 minutes, then I guess equalized or whatever it does. The problem now is how do I chop the video up just 18 minutes or even less, but I need to send the guy at the electric bed manufacturing place. So, I figured I could just send the document to my big computer where I have video software I can edit the document up. But, of course, the file is 3 GB , and there's no way I can send that via email. I'm going to figure it out just to take time, but it sure is frustrating.

Rabbit Ear knot

I just chugged my second 16 ounce Bragg cocktail of the day. So not only have I consumed 2 tablespoons or more like 4 tablespoons of the Bragg apple cider, but along with that 32 ounces of liquid which is kind of rare for me. I mean, I know I should be drinking that much liquid if not double that, but I rarely do. And now I am. Drinking more liquid by itself is exciting is exciting. Truly, a win-win situation. Now, having written all this I must not confess that I'm really beginning to delve into self-defeating behaviors. It's almost like I'm watching myself sabotage myself. I got a loaf of bread. This morning at the food bank that I didn't need an shouldn't eat, they gave me two bags of cookies I didn't declined those either. Worst of all, they actually offered me a package of raw cashews. A hole sucking pound of raw cashews… Free! As well as a bag of pistachios. I took them both, but I ended up putting the pistachios on the sharing shelf. I still have to quarters of a bag from last week and I really believe the pistachios are part of the reason for the accelerated weight gain. Someone's got to be a fall guy. The cashews are going to be a challenge, no question about that. I am hoping that I'll be strong enough to use the cashews, just in cooking and perhaps salads. In fact, I did get a bison steak at the food bank today is toying with the idea of frying some cashews with the bison steak for dinner. I'm slipping. I can feel it.

I think another one of the problems I had last week was the Mexican dinner I had last week. Even though I direct the meal out three days. I'm sure it had a detrimental impact on my weight gain. I really want to believe if I can drag the meal out over days I can enjoy the meal and not suffer from the weight gain but I'm also just whistling in the dark. So with that in mind I a headed over to the Betoes Mexican restaurant just down the street. The day was so beautiful. It was practically begging me to be out in it. I really wanted to order a complete meal that I was strong. This is the place for I got the meal that really put the way done last week and they had the best frijoles. So even though I really want to get the complete meal. I got to half pint cups of refried beans. I have this fantasy that I'm going to stretch the beans out for a couple days to have with some hamburger I cooked up a couple days ago with a taco are two. Sabotage! I'm such a fool.

It took me forever to make my decision of what I wanted to get at the restaurant. Luckily no one else was in the place except me (customer wise). I agonized over my decision, but I finally made it, and I'm sure the señorita was totally thankful. She brought over my 2 cups of frijoles in a plastic bag and commenced to do the rabbit earknot before I could stop her. I don't know what it is with checkout people and restauranteurs who put your food in to go bags with the love tying the knot in the top of the plastic bag which for anyone with limited hand function is a curse. Rather than try to labor over who knows how long it would take for me to tell her to undo the knot that she sold carefully tied and then pulled tighter to make sure it wouldn't come undone. I just put the beans in my box and headed home. I had to use my teeth to open up the bag when I got home, but I got it done and had a couple bites of the beans. It wasn't too bad of a day. Totally enjoyed the sunshine… And my beans.

I Can Do This…

(104.4 kg)  

A couple of weeks ago I went to the yearly open house at information fair at UCAT ( Utah Center Assistive Technology). It's a nice opportunity for folks who are heavily involved in one form or another of assistive technology to get together to show the community, but they've got. When I was working. I always make sure my agency had a booth at this open house. In years past when there is much more funding available to everyone they actually offered pretty good food at this event. It was usually nothing more spectacular than pizza, but it was good pizza and you could even call what they offered a meal. For many of the vendors and agency folk like myself we often left our officesin the middle of the afternoon to set up for the event and then just stayed there all evening long. We think it finished till around in a clock or nine and so the refreshments which the agency offered was the only meal we got that evening. I always appreciated whatever they gave us.

I don't know what I was expecting when I went to the open house except to satisfy a promise admitted to my friend Kent that I would stop by. But I was pleased to see a friend of mine who is a service provider and my wheelchair lift mechanic, Justin. Justin owns operation called Mobility Solutions, Inc. they been keeping my van on the road for at least 25 years. To be honest, I did not recognize Justin when I first saw him. You know that feeling you see something or somebody and you know that you should know them, but that's how I felt. It took me a few minutes to realize that the person I was looking at was my buddy Justin. Justin had lost a major amount of weight and I was impressed. I of course made my way over and we had a major discussion where he shared with me that his solution to his weight problem had been the apple cider diet, the same diet, which my dear wife/X, Dianne, I tried to get me to do. I didn't do it, and I should've and I apologize. Obviously, the apple cider diet works. Interestingly, Justin shared the taken him a couple years to achieve the appearance he currently enjoyed. In fact he shared with me that he no longer really use the sour extract of the Apple for a weight issue as much as he just liked how the daily drinking of apple cider vinegar made him feel. He felt he had better digestive capabilities and he just felt better, all the way around. I was sold.

Soon afterwards, I picked up a bottle of apple cider vinegar that has to be this specific vinegar, Bragg apple cider vinegar. The bottle has sat on my table for about a week and a half. I'm home health person, Dana, has noticed as well. Dana has been very influential to me as far as dieting. This last couple of months, maybe year are so. She's been very big into Weight Watchers but now she's watching me to see if I will do anything with the Bragg vinegar program. I been dragging my feet. I don't know why, but this morning when we did the way in. I was up about a kilogram, which is around 2 pounds. That makes 104.4 kg, which is way too much for me. I was recommitted and I want to lose some weight and I'm going to see if Bragg will let me do it. I started this evening. I knocked back 16 ounces water with about a tablespoon of vinegar mixed in. Interesting. Justin does about three shots a day and he says it's really done him well I hope he's right. So today I weighed 104.4 kg. Maybe next Friday. I'll list again but my weight is. Everybody, wish me luck.

Kindred Spirits

Another Thursday! How quickly the weeks revolve and once again, it's Thursday, coffee group, today there is a Medicare awareness event, i.e. lunch at 12. Then it's off to bookclub around two or 3 PM and then home to watch my two regular Thursday night offerings Young Sheldon and The Big Bang Theory. And that's it for my Thursday. Granted, I must squeeze in a bus trip two actually. This will make for fairly busy day.

I actually verbalized an interesting thought. I have had at coffee group today sharing thought like this is kind of unique for me. But this morning on waking, I was pondering the idea of how cool it would be if Nora Ephron was still alive. I would've love to talk her into producing and directing the third film of the You've Got Mail and Sleepless In Seattle movies. Sadly, I don't know if anyone but the Efron sisters could do this, but kind of breaks my heart. But I'd like to see some kind of a mash up of the two movies for each one of the couples, of course, is going to die as they age and then somehow having these two get together to finish out there respective lives. Of course, you can only do this while Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were still alive to give the whole thing true “credibility”. I would've just like the scene. What happened with each of their lives. So, what I'm really talking about could be more than one movie could be to three or four movies depending on how one was to sculpt them.

I think what got me going on this thought process (aside from the thought that I have always got my mind on the two movies by Hanks and Ryan), but an NPR article I listen to. Yesterday was talking about how strong romantic comedies or romcoms were popular these days. So I figured if there is ever a time to do the follow-up to these movies it would be now. Since the two main producers are gone. I don't think it's going to happen, which is kind of heartbreaking, but I just wonder who, if there was anyone, to pick up the mantle and put it on and carry forth with producing a new movie (S).

The best part of the discussion I thought this morning was the thought that men don't go to these kind of movies when you're talking about romcom's. I suggested that maybe they do, and they may even like them even though they say they do not. They are directed these movies by their wives/girlfriends. I think they're more males interested in the romcom, then one would think. Then again, I am, peculiar I know that. I loved Music Man, My Fair Lady, Paint Your Wagon, West Side Story and on and on. I hope, but did not reveal too much about myself this morning. Not that it would make any difference. It was nice to know, however, that I might be with kindred spirits.

Indian Summer

I should be outside doing something. It is officially “Indian Summer”. I've often use the term and I always looked forward to the season of “Indian Summer” but did not realize it was an actual time period. What got me really thinking about it last night, watching the weather. Our weather guy said it was officially Indian summer because we've gone through a freeze. He indicated that Indian summer was that period of time following the first freeze of the season or “the killer freeze”. Today, in a fit of academia are did some research on the Internet and the good old Wikipedia indicated that indeed the time following the first freeze is the Indian summer. Who would've believed?

I believe I stated in an earlier blog how I was getting worried about myself really not doing anything productive. Sitting around my apartment, reading, writing, drawing, and occasionally cleaning and straighten things up. I'm not going to be cliché to the point where I say something weird like “is this all there is.”? But sometimes I begin to feel a little guilty for not doing more with the time that I have. When I get real concerned. I try to remember what it was like when I was married a few years ago living in Murray, Utah on Utahna Street. If I wasn't doing something like working out at the wellness clinic sugarhouse, are going to one of my meetings (which I've continued to do when I am either notified or remember the meetings committee to going to be held). I would just be hanging around the house. If I was lucky to get to my wood shop. I would be making some hooks. Dianne and I would go to doctors appointments, then out to lunch or whatever, but eventually coming back and just hanging out at the house. So kind of really not much different than what's happening now, except what's happening now is that I am alone and perhaps that makes me focus more on the fact that I'm not doing very much.

It's Indian summer and I should be doing more, because the weather is “usable” and I guess I'm feeling guilty for not using the heck out of the atmosphere that is so usable right now before the next step in the weather becomes inclement or cold to the point where I will not want to go out. Yesterday afternoon I went to my bus stop got on the bus and headed south to the regal theater and enjoyed a movie. I must be careful regarding how I spend my resources. Maybe if I had more funds I would do more stuff and go more places – – but that's not true either, because it is truly some great places I can be going, which are for free . I just have to get myself to the event. Perhaps that's where I can make more effort to be doing stuff. This morning I went across the driveway to the senior center. I'm really trying to force myself to use that place every time I get there I just get this side of disgusted. I went to their little shop where they sell donated donated items. I was really looking for some envelopes. I didn't find any envelopes, but I did find some microwavable bowls and I bought them. I now have proof that I went out, socialized, purchased in this part of the community for however long that was. I am enjoying my Indian summer.

Where to Boss??

Click to hear from the BOSS

“Hey boss,” I'm always taken back and a little chagrined when for some reason I do something are him somewhere and the service provider is addressing me. Now I say “hey boss,” or if it's a bus driver. “Hey boss, where to?”. It seems I went for ever not hearing this term of salutation and then all of a sudden it seems I'm being addressed as “Boss” everywhere I go. I immediately feel self-conscious, I know it's just a term, something cool to say, perhaps as a way to address an elder person or maybe it's the socialistic term of addressing someone who has purchased something one way or the other in the case that I'm thinking of twice while riding the bus went on my way to a movie and on the way back. The driver referred to me as “boss”.

Another very good boss, I've been a boss, I don't do the boss thing very well. I was thinking about this today as a matter of fact I still have a letter opener from the days when I used to work at the state of Utah as manager of the Access Utah Network information system on disability questions. It's a pretty neat little letter opener does a great job. If you can keep hold of being. The letter opener was a tchotchke (I'm sure I have spelled tchotchke wrong but it's close is a good a get today), we would give away at information fairs and the like.It was kind of a joke, me being the boss. There are only two of us operators at Access Utah. In fact I was so unprepared to be a boss that I finally got my boss to take away my designation of being a manager. I just have a difficult time telling people what to do. I'm sure if you asked one of my ex-wives or little brother or sister. They would gladly tell you that I have no problem bossing people around at all. However, as always, they would be wrong. I don't do bossing well. I don't manage well that's all I can do to manage myself. I'm doing better, managing my staff. I have noticed of late. I'm sure I can still do a better job, but at least I'm more comfortable telling them what I need done and how to do it. I've realized a number of great lessons about how people want to be told what to do and to let them know if they are doing what you want them to do correctly. It makes sense if I'm paying them to do this service, and they're taking my money to do the service. I still get self-conscious after a certain period of managing however.

I think in another life where I had been giving the opportunity to manage or even instructions as to how to manage I could've done quite well in this area, but that was not to be. It's nice, however, every once in a while when I pay for my bus fare are flash my bus pass the boss looks at me and seriously says, “were you off… Boss?”

I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

Image of me enjoying my new headset
click for video

All in all I am not doing too bad with trying to keep my house in order. Granted, I could be doing a better job, but I am able to keep the chaos at bay. Of course, I don't do this by myself as much as I'd like to think that I could and is much as I tell myself I could but I think I'm past that point in my life. The last time I tried to vacuum. I broke the vacuum cleaner and my brother had to come over and fix the machine by putting another built on the roller. I haven't really tried sense the repair. Carl did such a good job vacuuming. I don't think I've had to, but there are a few things that need to be vacuumed up so soon I will fire up the machine and be careful what I rollover. In that same token, when I wash my clothes every week I hang them up within 24 hours of when I've washed them. It's a small thing, but it helps keep the chaos down.

In the kitchen. I don't think it's necessarily a question of chaos as much as it is surface cleaning. I have limited shelf space, which causes me to put a lot of stuff on what shelving/counters. I do have. It's easy to let this clustering, get out of control and I have to force myself usually in the morning right after rising to try to clean off counterspace, and even wash down the front of the oven/range. Again, something I am having difficulty with – – and I really shouldn't. There's no reason why I cannot wash the floors and especially the kitchen on a regular basis. I have actually been able to mop up a few spells that I've made from the refrigerator to the countertop. Spells that I thought would be wise to take care of quickly like vinegar from the pickled peppers are milk that I've spilled are even blood from meat that is dripped from thawed out prizes from the food bank. The problem is I have not done a good job mopping the floor to the kitchen and I need to get on the job in the bathroom as well.

Sometime in the afternoon yesterday – Sunday – I got a posting from Mark Anthony that if it was okay. He would drop by. Later in the afternoon, which of course is fine with me. Mark has been doing this the last couple weeks. We visit, and while visiting Mark is busy picking things up off the carpet, sweeping the kitchen and reaching things for me that I have not been to reach. Yesterday, he swept the kitchen and actually mopped it. I mean really mopped up with Pine-Sol and everything. I never use Pine-Sol. I'm lucky just to get the mopped wet and on the floor to clean up whatever mess has happened. Mark also looks after my IT needs. It's great that he works information technology during the week. He really knows what he's doing. A couple of months ago I purchased a headset to use with my new computer. Actually, the headset was the backup. Another had said that I had that wasn't working very well with my speech to text, writing software. I realized one evening that there is no place for me to hook new headset into said to have plug-ins and I could not find the receptors on the new CPU. I pretty much wrote off the headset. Mark happened to come across the headset yesterday when Mark was cleaning up my desk area. It wasn't long until market found the correct ports for the headset to plug-in and now I'm dictating better than I ever have before.

I still need to keep searching for someone to replace Cindy my last housekeeper. It's hard to do that when with a little help from Mark Anthony, or whoever is around. I can maintain myself fairly well as well as the apartment. I don't want to get too comfortable with Mark Anthony stopping by once a week picking up and mopping, but I'll certainly enjoy. As long as I can.

Rags?

I washed clothes. Yesterday morning as I do, usually every Saturday morning as early as I can. I tried to keep my dirty clothes in the dirty clothes hamper or in my case, basket badly damaged basket, but that's another blog. One piece of clothing went rogue and less nestled on my backup chair where I had tossed the shirt the night before. I noted as I snatched the long-

sleeved T on the floor with one of my hooks and deposited the offending garment in the basket that may be I should hold off. Maybe, I thought, it was time to throw this piece away. I washed the shirt anyway. My first thought about not washing the shirt was that the shirt is really turning into a rag and if I wash the shirt I would have to dry the shirt and I've noticed lately that it's taking more than the one $.75 cycle to dry my clothes. I know babbling about the cost of a dry cycle makes me sound cheap but it's true, I hate the fact that I cannot purchase smaller segments of time. I have to buy $.75 of time and nothing else, just get my wash entirely dry. The $.75 is one thing but having to wait another 45 minutes to dry is quite another. I'm wandering from my topic sorry. The point of trying to make is, I need to just throw some of my clothes away and get on with living.

This morning as I was hanging yesterday's clothes, I came across the purple T-shirt and a black long-sleeved T but I think by daughter, Bridget gave me a couple Christmases past. I love both shirts, way beyond sense. However, I must confess last couple times I've worn the shirts in public. I felt a bit conscious of how I look. I really am becoming a “rag man”. I look like one of those homeless guys you see downtown who have nothing better to wear the what they are wearing. I love the shirts because they are long and tall's. They go all the way down in the back. I never have to worry about flesh showing. Because the shirts are long-sleeved, I can push them up over my elbows many times. Sadly, even this no longer hides the tattered ends of my sleeves. The purple shirt. I could actually use for rags around the apartment and possibly the black shirt too. Regardless, I need to get them out of my clothing cycle and out of the wash cycle. I hate letting the shirts go. I've had them for over five years I'll bet you and I've always felt warm and righteously covered. I don't even know if I can find a heavy cloth of which these shirts are made. This heavy cotton cloth is truly fabric made from another time. I'm just terrified that like the commercial for “what's in your wallet.” The guy throws is wallet into the bay that as soon as I cut up or throw the shirts away. I'll say to myself, “… Going to regret that.”

Good Bye Irene

Click for "Come on Ileen, not Irene but close enough

I cannot remember when I first time met Irene here at the apartments.I'm sure our meeting was in the washroom/laundromat. Soft-spoken kind of ethereal, dark complected but extremely nice. Irene was Roman Catholic she did not for a religion on you but it certainly showed in her comments and in her lifestyle. I always take one of my hooks with me when I wash to assist in pushing the buttons on the washing machine as well as pulling the closeout of the washing machine and dryer with it.Irene was fascinated with my hooks and after she can have which of course was no problem with me. When she saw my collection of wooden sticks she was immediately drawn to a heavy duty piece of Oak that I had fashioned into a staff couple years earlier. The staff was heavy and I did not use it much less I had to reach something and nothing else was available. Irene thought it was heavy enough to use as an exercise device. I gave it to the woman without thinking twice hope she's been able to use the staff.

I'm now going on my third year at the apartment complex so that means I knew Irene for these two years. At times Irene can be a little challenging. I always enjoyed time with Irene however even in challenging moments. I saw Irene for the last time a couple weeks ago. I did not visit with her,in fact I may have dodged her so that I would not have to spend time communicating. I found out yesterday Irene had passed away last week and that was the first I heard. That was kind of weird.

I can imagine that Irene was a good girl. I'm sure she always want to catechism every Saturday and had all the rites of passage for young Catholic women that she was heir to, active in the Newman club when she went to University/College and then perfect I like. I likewife for a while. In the short visitations we had I felt there was a dark period Irene had pass-through towards the end of her life. She talked about kids I've never seen but I am sure there were. Soft-spoken, kind Irene was liked enough here at the apartment complex but she was not one of the stellar characters roaming the halls here. I'm sure she was never a cheerleader but was active in the pep club. Irene is one who could be counted on. I'm a little embarrassed because one of the first things I thought of when I heard of her passing was that “how can I get my stick back?”. I'm sure the stick is a goner and that's the way that it should be. But it was a nice stick and I would've enjoyed having to stick around to remember Irene

It's kind of weird, I've been at the apartment complex now going on my third year and in that time maybe two people died in the last quarter/summer three or four people died here at the apartment complex. Perhaps that is the reason Irene's passing has been so passé. Interesting however the way they just leave the card in the foyer of the apartment complex for everyone to sign I guess for the family since Irene I doubt is going to read the card.

And Then Again… Maybe Not

Blog 101218 – – Friday – – computer giveaway

The weeks are going to quickly, it seems the days vanish one into the other is another Friday and I'm looking down the barrel of the weekend which excites me yet frightens me as each day brings me closer to the end.

The storm which has the lingered all week is finally moved out. The temperatures dropped and fall is definitely here. My little tree, the one on the other side of the drive from my apartment, will finally begin turning its leaves in earnest now that the summer has gone its way. There's snow in the mountains now and there is even talk with snow coming to the valley floor in the next storm coming around the first of the week. But today, brisk as it might be, might be a good day for traveling and for me to get out for a little while. The independent living center is having their annual giveaway day. I generally is not participated in this event but maybe today I might drop by. I certainly don't need anything from the A T closet but it is always fun to “window shop”.

The independent living centers like the CREATE operation have become the depository of literally tons of assistive technology (A T). Millions of dollars of equipment that has been abandoned another in the community has come to rest at these places. People die, people get new equipment, and people just really abandon equipment they cannot sell. Ssome programs like CREATE halfheartedly try to get this equipment back into the system. In places like the independent living center, and other like private nonprofits have their “loan closets” where some of the equipment is recycled back into use. But so much comes in that never goes out and just piles up. Now in an effort to create space these agencies are having these giveaways. Power chairs, power beds, manual wheelchairs, cushions and so much other stuff which is just stuff. If I am interested in anything it would be some safety belts for my power chair. I don't need these but it might be fun to have them as backup and they would not take up too much space. I need to visit with Deborah the filler and about my reinclusion with family. I'll take my large tablet and spend some time with the IL folks... that is I feel I have the time after I work out and listen to Science Friday.

I changed my mind. Soon after I'd written the first part of this blog my occupational therapist showed up for a home visit. This is a good thing. Typically, I don't use all my benefits the way I should. And so I'm using my home visits to make my living more ideal. We talked about some ideas and some changes in the possible purchase to make my kitchen more usable and visually more acceptable. My OT is a big guy like me. He shared with me he had recently been diagnosed with type II diabetes. We mourned we talked about the challenges of middle-age, weight gain and the monstrously difficult task of losing the weight once we have bound this unsightly mass. We talk like friends (and we are) but at 60 minutes he was out here after all Casey still on the clock. He gets talked about possibly picking me up my van driving over to his woodshop and making some hooks. I think would be fun but I don't think I will be anything and a client that's okay too I would be using Casey to get back to making hooks so what's the difference.

By Your Records...

Mother Duby at age 70.

As I reported earlier this summer I've become aware of my biological/natural family. I am trying to downplay this event and having to accept the fact finding my bio-family is a major event, something so huge I still am trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I have access to people very much like me.I have not jumped on this new family yet. Quite frankly I don't really know what to do or how to become more involved. I don't know really how to treat this group. Are the folks that I call the help move or more likely are folks that he shared DNA but still are basically strangers and always will be. I don't know.

My “new sister-in-law” Carla is a doll. I mean she is taken on so much responsibility in ferreting out all us brothers and sisters. She has done this single-handedly. When the final birth parent died I understand that Carla went into clear out the house and that is when she found numerous records all the births of all of us kids. Until that time all the children which is been adopted out had no idea of their other family members. Thank goodness mother Duby kept such copious documents. Mother D kept record where every child was born and of course the date, the hospital itself. This information greatly facilitated the operation of finding the kids.

I've been sort of amazed over the years at the fact that I am kind of driven to keep records if nothing else just of myself. I don't consider myself a really good keeper of records but I feel compelled to keep a record. An example of this of course is my blog. I have over 2000 postings. I've always kept a journal of one sort or another. My problem has been keeping a hold the Journal once I've written them. I'm so distressed at how many journals I've lost over the years. I treasure those that I do have. I've also been extremely interested in the past 20 or 30 years at other peoples journals when I can get a hold of them. I believe so strongly in documenting one's life that I've also began “arm-twisting” all that will listen to consider documenting their life. I just think it's so important. Anyway, the past couple of days for one reason or another I've been pondering where I've gotten this trait. And I'm wondering if I shared this trait is my birth mother or vice versa. I am hoping Duby was a journalist and am hoping some of those journals survived. The back of my mind, I know this is too much trouble for but just the same I never figured I would ever find one birth-parent let alone both of them.

Carla lives in the community about an hour away from Salt Lake. Traveling is not that easy for her to my brother, I realized that especially now that winter setting in. Even on the best days when it's cold, and even if the streets are clear, it's hard to travel. I would be happy to meet my family even in Utah County where they live. This would involve me getting on the train and riding to Provo and Santaquin then jumping a bus and meeting the family summer for lunch or dinner or whatever. I would not have a problem with this but they may not knowing really, my abilities. So right now, I plan to take the easy route of and text for this information. I would love to read Duby's journals that they exist.

Internet: A Failed Promise

I get so frustrated with the Internet and particularly the promise of the Internet. I believe so strongly in this device and always, almost always, come away from any real Internet exercise frustrated and disheartened. I have been considering all week writing a post on social media and other pieces found on the Internet which a total mind and time gobblers. I still may end up writing on that particular area which I'm feeling stronger and stronger about as I seem to lose more and more time to the ITG (Internet Time Gobbler. But I'm afraid I will have to wait today I'm writing about the crushed promise.

As always, I had a few minutes this morning, actually I had all morning and really all day so I jumped on the Internet to start my blog entry for the day – – I always believe I'm going to get this task done early and not have to worry the rest of the day. I don't know how came about but I started thinking about an old best friend David Udy, with whom I went to junior high school. Udy Is a member of my Karass(For more information consult Kurt Vonnegut's Cats Cradle ) That mythical grouping of like psychic people. I don't know how comfortable I feel that off-the-cuff definition but will have to work for now. For one reason or another I always keep coming back to Dave… That is when I can find him.

That's how I start a lost day. In the old days the Internet was pure and actually fairly healthy to be involved with. There were a number of search engines where you can actually put in someone's name and get an address or phone number right off the bat or worst case you go through the Internet phone directory and pull up a number or address that way. But as the Internet grew and more and more things became monetized real assistance from the Internet became a joke. If one had the desire to spend money that perhaps you could find the information needed but unless one committed financially the Internet was just a barrage of information vanishing as one got close to the destination. I always sucker with the hope that today I will get lucky. I jump from one website to another thinking I'll get some form of contact information but am always blocked until I get frustrated to the point that I quit my search. My friend David Udy is an incredible person – – as always been such a developer of souls. I will devote one whole post possibly more to this person someday. David is a schemer, use a PhD psychologist some of the truly believes in the person. I always wish I knew this person better. I knew David for only a short window of time, the three years junior high, of course after my accident I lost contact with that whole crew in many cases decades if not forever. It seems I have to work so hard to maintain these relationships.

I started this project this morning about 9 o'clock and by 12 I realized I was not going to call David today. However, I did find an address, street address! I have stamps, I have paper a the Postcards. All relics of a day gone by in which I still highly believe. I love the written word, I love to write and I have the patience to see if David will respond one way or the other. I don't know why I continue this one-sided venture but something in me, perhaps my Karass compels me to try to keep this relationship verdant and healthy. I am a selfish duck wishing to keep my friends close regardless of the cost.

Taking Care Of Business…

I wish I had better image of me sitting next to the van reading. I don't, this is the best I can do.

Click for video

It's Tuesday and finally were having a meeting at Assist, Inc., is supposed to be a weekly meeting but it seems we've hardly had any meetings last summer and early fall. I don't remember going so long a time between meetings. I know is directly related to funding but still quite frustrating from the standpoint that I am sure there are large populations of folks who can use the services our program provides and when were not meeting I guess the funding is not there. This means roofs aren't being patched, storm windows being replaced and water heaters not being installed and most of all I'm not having a place to go. Let's be honest here I really need my weekly Assist, Inc. meeting to be validated as a person's of value/merit in the community.

I have never been more surprised than the last two years as I tried to literally find things to do with the community to give back. I wish I could say that I was altruistic and I was out in the community trying to benefit my fellow man when in fact I'm trying to benefit good old Mark Smith. It's hard doing and doing good should not be so hard. I have to admit there are days, more days then I would like to admit, that I am mildly excited at the prospect of having to do nothing. I mean it's not like I'm doing nothing it seems like I have something to do all the time even if it's puzzles, my one game on the computer and movies I can pull off the Internet or “stream” as that term is. I sometimes feel like the quote from Chicago's Taking Care Of Business “I love to work at nothing all day”. In fact is getting easier to do this everyday… Work at nothing. I think I've written in the past about how on Monday mornings Dana, my home health staff asks me what I did over the weekend or when I venture down to get my mail and run into other people from the apartment complex and these folks will ask me what I've been up to and more often than not I have to reply “nothing”. Not only is this a small humiliation and minor producer of guilt I also get a little worried that I'm not doing enough at whatever I'm supposed to be doing which I'm sure is, not nothing… That make sense?

I do two things everyday, more or less, I do my blog and most days I told my arm bike. When I'm very lucky I have an event of one sort or another. Today it's Assist and Thursday its coffee in the morning and then bookclub in the afternoon. And some of these days I go to the market, I'm going to the market less now, just trying to conserve money and not spend just to spend. Even if I do shop I find myself gravitating to the computer to shop online even for groceries. In many cases is not only cheaper to shop online but much more convenient having someone drop my order, and off at the door to my apartment.

But sometimes it frightened finding myself dozing off sitting next to my white van pretending to read in the afternoon sun and totally enjoying the heat and the quiet of late fall afternoon and hoping no one will see me working hard at doing nothing all day.

Stop Me If I Have Said This Before...

One of my major fears is that I will become redundant writing this blog. So, when I have an idea that I feel like documented before one where the other I will spend a few minutes searching the blog looking for references for actual blog entries I may have written before. I so do not want to be one of those old grandpa/fuddy-duddies that does nothing but repeat themselves.  I have just finished doing such a search and I am stricken with mourning the loss of literal years of my posts to my blog. I usually just “slap myself” and tell myself to get on with it but I'm having a problem getting past this acknowledgment today.

I wish I could, with certainty, document when I started this blog. I know it was well before the turn of the century because I was working with the State and I know we're in the old building on 500 E. and 300 S.. The reason I know that I was blogging than because of that's when I learned about blogs and people who were blocking. I started working for the state of Utah when I took over Access Utah Network in August 1998. I never had as much access to the Internet as I did with this position. I had time between phone calls to search the Internet pretty much for anything that I wanted.  

I've always kept a journal or “log” if you will. Sometimes more religiously than others but I've always tried to keep a document of my life. I've lost so many journals over the years. I grieve for all of them as part of my life lost. I really do believe the Mormon saying “by your records you shall be known”. In one of my positions/jobs early on I worked at a Deseret Industries. I worked in a small office the back end of the operation I called in the “batting cage”. Among other things part of my position included assigning trucks to go out and pick things up for the Industries as well as other assignments. Early on the day I had 10 to 15 minutes I had felt and I started using my time to type a log of my work life and daily life. From then on every job I had I would use the first half hour to one hour of the day (much of this time, I saw was lost, when staff would just wander around visit/gossip about what was going on in the office that day or what it happened the night before. Rather than wasting time this way I chose to waste my time keeping a journal. I was so pleased when at the Independent living center I finally have access to a computer that I could keep my log on my system. I do see my problem however is that if you lose your computer and later your Internet presence that you've lost your whole journal. As I said when I went to work with the State I started keeping an online journal, log on more specifically blog. This is when I started my practice of writing at least 500 words a day in an effort to keep my integrity as a “writer”

I'm surprised because a couple of my searches rendered losses of posts I did not realize I had lost. First I was bummed out but the more I considered the fact that a number of my posts have disappeared that I'll be able to write new posts. Now, I only worry that the posts I do write will not be as articulate, endearing are enjoyable as my previous posts which have been lost. I also need to figure way to backup my previous posts before anything else happens i.e. the complete and utter destruction of the Internet.