Blog
101119 – – Friday
It's
almost 12 o'clock! Years ago, I had a brother-in-law who worked for
the state of Idaho Department of employment as a employment type
counselor. His name is Jim and Jim was extremely interested in
self-defeating behaviors. Jim actually wrote a couple papers on the
topic and we talked about the concept a lot. I thought about Jim a
lot the last couple years and particularly myself and how I seem to
have a host of self-defeating behaviors which keep me from doing
things I think I really want to do. I really want to be drawing, more
than I am obviously. Sometimes weeks go by without making a mark in a
paper that can be called drawing. I fill my day with things I feel
need to be done and I wonder if in fact these are self-defeating
behaviors as far as drawing goes. I feel, I could drop best in the
mornings but I never do. I have coffee to make, morning bowel routine
three times a week, making my bed, washing dishes, and this was also
the morning that I pumped my arm bike(I've decided to go to working
out on my arm bike just three days a week as opposed to six days a
week. The other two days, Tuesdays and Thursdays and Saturdays I'm
going to push my rickshaw even though it's cold) this morning it was
washing clothes and now writing my blog. I also now am having to
consider for the close before bedtime because I always throw the
clean clothes on the bed forcing me to do something with them in
order to access my bed when it's time to crash. Now that I have the
new fileI feel compelled to download all my files from the boxes and
containers I have scattered around my art tables and bookshelves.
These are all items in my mind which need to be done but in fact I
think are self-defeating behaviors so I don't have to put a mark on a
piece of paper because I fear I will not be happy with what I
produce. Again, thinking back in the drawing class what I really like
about that project was I was drawing every day I was in class and
drawing with people not that that was a big deal but a kind of was
having a designated time and space and the task which was the
assignment of the day. It's a shame that I feel I have to do that in
order to draw—why cannot I do this on my own?
There's
really not a hard fast law which says I have to do this all in the
morning time but seriously that's when I feel most artistic and
creative not only from the dry aspect but also from the writing
aspect as well. When I leave my writing to the evening, past my
afternoon new show and 5 o'clock and 6 o'clock news and possible
offerings from the networks as far as TV goes and are Netflix Inc. if
I wait that long to write I get renditions of forced production
doesn't sound as good and I don't even try to draw at that point no
marks on paper now.
I
miss Jim and his astute ideas and comments regarding people's work
behaviors. Jim was/is a good guy and was not particularly productive
in the area of publishing his thoughts and ideas but he sure had them
and I sure enjoyed discussing them with him. However now, I'm going
to post this entry for the day is stop using this as my
self-defeating behavior And find something to make a mark on a piece
of paper today and call it drawing…
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