Worst Version Of Myself! :-(

I am such a mean individual and I just hate that. Most people do not see this unless you're married to me or very close to me. It is taken me three marriages I think to come to the realization how big a creep I can be. This is one of the biggest character flaws I have that I need to work on to be a better person are the best version of myself. I'm sure this a lot other items which could be worked on but this one for sure must be prime.

Thursday morning was the usual coffee social which is held every Thursday morning at the complex. Anne is the social worker, the organization does not call her that but she has for all intents and purposes. She's a really nice person and remained occupational focus is to assist folks with issues they are having particularly with government and other bureaucratic agencies. She also hosts the Thursday morning coffee club. I of course recognize this just because I am me the cynic. Of course did not see this when I first started the coffee group but then realized that people are recorded maybe not specifically but the number would attend and the strength of the group seems to be an issue. Like most groups there is a core group, those folks that show up every single meeting week in and week out. Over the past couple of months the group's got a bit smaller. Some weeks the number inflates but usually the core group is the same or little less. We have had a number of new residents will give the apartment complex and many “tried” the coffee group on for size coming once or twice but as a rule the club is pretty much stayed the same. I was intrigued to see if posting earlier this week indicating that one of the own health providers would be attending the groups meeting Thursday. This group of care provision usually comes later in the month in the late afternoons to provide awareness of its services by providing blood pressure and wheelchair maintenance – – which I am rather impressed with be honest – – but I was a little irritated of them enter loping into our coffee time just another cheap capitalist trick.

I had kept myself busy in the apartment up to the time of the coffee group. But is able to make the group on time. Of course the jackals of the blood pressure cuff were already there and listen to be available free for all going. A lot of moving around a lot of raised voices talking to each other about the din. Did not think much about what was going on except for it seemed a bit chaotic. It was when Anne commented on how great it was to see such a motion in people communicating and perhaps we should have other vendors visit,for some reason this was the red flag and I responded. I told her I thought it was a bad idea didn't like the chaos. Instantly, I saw a flood of pain flash across Anne's face. Most people would never noticed but I did, mean old Mark (MOM) why do I do this? Anne was absolutely right. People were enjoying themselves, people were moving around talking, laughing, engaging drinking coffee and having a good time. For some damn reason I could not accept that I had wrecked it after all I am Mark, the great destroyer. I did not recognize this at first but as I have thought about this event all day Thursday morning after coffee and I have become chagrined and repetitive. So much so that I even trekked up to Ann's office but she had already left for the weekend (she leaves early on Thursday afternoons which I still can't remember her new schedule). I felt doubly vulnerable. Now I have to wait until Tuesday or whenever Anne is back in her office to apologize.

I have to watch myself, I'm really trying to be a better person you know the best version of myself that I can be seems to be the hardest task of my current life…