Dark 930!

It's not even 9 o'clock in the evening and the night has moved in, it is dark outside, two weeks ago , it was still light enough for kids to be playing out in the park, people were still doing some are things but now the changes happy darkness moves over the land I went home earlier each evening making me want to stay home, kick up my shoes maybe make some coffee or hot chocolate or something I shouldn't eat just to celebrate the end of the day. Tonight I actually had a couple of beings I made earlier in the week and surprisingly the beans were tasty they needed was a hunk of cornbread fresh out of the oven covered in butter begging to be eaten.

There was a time I could eat anything even after my disability I could eat something and not necessarily gain weight at least I was not so focused on gaining weight that I regulated my caloric intake not so anymore. Now the calories are dictating my life. I know, I am letting this caloric dictatorship happen. I cannot do anything food wise without worrying about what the end result will be. I don't even think it's vanity,o I'm sure a little bit is driven by self-esteem and how good I look with or without clothes but there's still the issue of weight on my butt, safe transfers and getting even heavier.

I am finding I'm even using terminology like “guilty pleasures” every time I eat something that is unjustified like potato chips, anything deep-fried and of course anything sugar-based like candy. I wish a strong enough to live by these dictatorial leanings but in the end I am a weak vessel. Right now, I am hovering. My weight seems to be stuck at 100 kg of or 256 pounds. I weigh each time I'm showered with just three times a week. My home health aide says I put too much emphasis on the scales on my transfer machine. She says the scales are probably off and what's important is not necessarily what that number is as much as having that number become less and less. It seems since my stenosis operations I have only been 96 kg at the very lightest. Now, I would kill to be at 96 kg – – well not kill, but you know what I mean.

We're still quite a ways from officially being an autumn. The farmers markets have started and I'm seriously thinking of checking them out this next Saturday. Or maybe even tomorrow, Friday but tomorrow's also food bank day and I usually try to help with delivery boxes. Food bank runs about two hours in the morning. So, I could go on Saturday and then I would place my regular food bank day. If I had patience I would just wait until next Friday to go to the farmers market and get tomatoes and who knows what else. It's now 9:30 PM and is really dark so dark I just wanted to turn the lights out top in bed with a new book I just started the day and read until I conk out.