Look Away… I'm hideous

Even though I don't believe it when you are person in a wheelchair you can just about get away with everything or anything you want if you do it just right. Not that I do that by any means, one also have to have major self-esteem the pull something like that off but I do okay.

Storms are coming to the Valley so they say. Begin to realize “they” say a lot as far as weather goes and rarely does the weather they say come about that's okay perhaps today was just the warm before the storm. Anyway, went all the way to the end of Redwood Road almost. I had to go to Create to get a replacement module for my power chair. Actually it's a knob which modulates the speed of whatever power level the chair might be in. This is the third knob I have had on this chair. I don't know what I did a couple weeks ago but all the sudden I noticed I did not have the knob and could not find tune the speed that I wanted. I actually at one point figured out how to keep the power setting that I wanted but I had to keep the chair at that speed I couldn't easily increase or decrease the speed I needed. I got by for a while but realized that I had to replace the knob for sure this morning in the shower when I noticed that my foot was kind of bloody. No, not super bloody but I remember last night running into the bookcase. I had my chair setting at power level for and all the way up within that level. So, even if I made a mistake the chair was quick to respond and by the time I knew anything was happening at rammed my foot into the bookcase. It didn't feel too bad and I didn't have any secondary symptoms such as pain are increased spasticity saw as a little surprised when my shower person revolted from my foot. There I realized I needed to fix the problem.

I was expecting pretty bad weather this morning I got up. However, by the time Dana left and I was dressed and ready for the day I could tell that the weather was not going to be too bad for a while. I figured I had time to get in to Create an back without enduring any major weather. I've dug out my foul weather/winter clothing in this year I've added to my arsenal of weapons against the cold. I have started wearing a lap blanket. I know this makes you look totally institutional and old but I don't care. I'm going with comfort. I'm also going to start collecting flannel blankets (that's what I'm using those flannel end cuts you can get at fabric shops everywhere). I was a little self-conscious at first but now I don't give a rats ass. And I think it does the job keeping me warm. And even if you end up looking like a complete dork doesn't matter because everybody thinks you're great for just doing it and they're happy as clams not having to see your pathetic disabled scrawny legs till next spring.

Dropsy Do-

I don't know what is happening to me. I don't know if it's aging or possible further debilitation of myself just from disability or from my disability the head injury part. It would not surprise me, not the very least, a fired to be getting some form of dementia or Parkinson's disease. I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that I just seem to be knocking everything over. Like being super clumsy. I'd hate to think what I would be like if I were walking around. Sometimes, I'm backing my chair into things and sometimes turning to quickly and bumping into a wall or an appliance of some sort. Again, luckily I am not around enough people that I've bumped into them causing them pain and or injury. I've noticed the clumsiness most in the kitchen when I'm cooking especially over Thanksgiving. It's just all go to move my handle catch something all of a sudden I'm a cup of coffee over or the can of coffee beans or something on my workstation in front of my computer. I just have to accept this is happening and not get upset and realize that whatever happens I'll be able to clean it up and so far I have been able to do exactly that. This week I've spilled coffee, grapes from their bag, medications and at least one cup of coffee. And like I said these are big deals but I am astonished at how many of these events of been happening. I even brought this up at Thursday morning social group coffee and immediately other precipitating members of the coffee group started sharing their frustration at the same issue. I have to admit that was a little bit reassuring. So maybe I'm not in full-blown Parkinson's mode but I just wonder what is around the corner.

Along those lines, last night was another challenging evening. My butt was hurting a little bit last night so I decided I'd go to bed early and read as long as I could. I started my new Steven King and look forward to laying in bed reading. I read till about 11:15 p.m. and then decide to crash. I was not surprised but I woke couple hours later with a full bladder. This of course is not a big deal it was 2:15 AM not that well that's cool I'm sure I'll have no problem getting back to sleep. And things went fairly well I was encouraged and tell I was raising the bed a little to hang the bag of urine on a hook that I would drain in the morning. I sat the bed control to the side and use both hands to twist me further so I could reach the hook for the bag in doing that the pendant/bed control slid off the seat of the power chair where I had thecontrol laying. The controller was on the floor between the bed and the power chair. I was going to have to try to reach down between the bed and the chair to retrieve the control. Sadly, with my limited hand function I was not going to happen. I did at one time grasp the connecting cord and pulled which did not help, my efforts caused the pendant to slide between the wheel of the power chair and the body of the chair hooking itself and making it way difficult to retrieve. The worst part of this was that I had raised the back part of the bed in the seating position in order to cath. Normally this is a safe position but last night it was a bit precarious especially since I couldn't actuate controls. I could not reach the floor any further to try to grasp record. I was on my side also precariously close to the side of the bed. If my leg was to go off are both legs I would be stuck and have to find some sort of support to get me back in bed which would mean calling the emergency responders or wait in till five or 6 AM, brother to see if he could stop by on his way to work and save my scurvy ass. Luckily I had two or three hooks close by the bed within reach one of which I was able to snag onto and with major effort was able to snag the cord and eventually worked dependent free from between the we'll and chair. I doubt this would qualify as a miracle not yet anyway. However, I was totally thankful that I was able to mitigate the issue I'd gotten myself into. Though I did thank the Lord modified to get back to bed. Problem is that I was so awake but I'll think I really ever got back to sleep. That's okay though I am tired was the middle of the day and I'm doing okay.

I'm watching myself to make sure that I'm not debilitating and if I am I would deal with that to and tell such time I'm really living one day at a time… And that's the best I can do.

Wash Day Blues

I should be folding clothes, I washed today. I'm finding that I'm washing twice in the week as opposed to just once a week which I've been doing for as long as I've been washing my own clothes. I was hoping that washing the clothes by Wednesday would make the load small enough that I could dry with just one cycle which costs $.75, three quarters. Well that didn't work. It's not like I change my towels every week, and probably would not be a bad idea but just the same maybe I will start. As it is now the towels that I wash today were a set that I tossed in the corner when we changed house and I was not ready to wash clothes when I was ready the towels bulked up the pile of dirty clothes so much I was afraid the get clothes get a decent washing. So they I watched the regular washcloths of which there was a goodly amount (why I don't know), two sets of towels red and white, and my regular shorts and shirts. When I finished the wash cycle and through the closing to the dryer I was hopeful that this amount what cost less to wash. When I checked at the end of the first cycle as always the closer just a little damp. In my best conspiracy theory mindset I am beginning to think/wonder if 1. The centrifuge on the washing machine is wearing out and no longer spins at that velocity it once did with nearly rendered the close dry from the last spin cycle or more nefarious did the owner of the machines tinker with the centrifuge causing it to spin less aggressively. I swear the last couple of washes I've taken out of the washing machine/front loader have felt heavier with moisture/water than that used to. As a board member of the organization which owns this property I hate to think we would support management that would contract with an individual who would knowingly condone setting the washing machines such that water extraction would be less than optimal. I want to believe that the machines are just somewhat wearing down and no longer spin with the velocity to drive out as much water as possible from the fabrics. You've heard by great before that the owner of the machines has been featured the drop of coins a specific way to ensure that as much money as possible spent with this ordeal of washing clothes once a week. For example most laundromats I have used have had a way during the dry cycle to increase the length of time desired for the close to dry. By using nickels and dimes a person could buy 10 minute increments to finish the drying cycles process. That is not the case with machines that we use. Here at Plymouth view Apartments a renter just has one option for drying a $.75 drop (three quarters) and if your clothes are still damp at the end of cycle one you have to buy and other complete cycle of $.75. I know it does not sound like much and I guess it isn't except if you're living on a fixed income everything counts. Yesterday it the super Smith's store or the Smith superstore I noticed a number of options are contraptions one could purchase to hang clothes on just this scenario to dry. If I had a way to carry one of these racks home I would great idea worst-case you can even use a hand dryer to finish drying these clothes. I might go back someday and get such a rack.

Yep you guessed it just another Wednesday, but one I'm truly thankful for…

Senior Second's Terror

I don't know if I want to address this issue as a senior moment but it was some kind of a moment and it kind of freaked me out. I've been having some issues with my bank account and when I went to try to work it out over the phone last week it seems I had forgotten my “secret” word that would allow the bank representative to work with me over the phone. This was a security issue having nothing to do with my banking questions. Anyway, I hate passwords, I am always forgetting passwords, I don't think I am alone in this problem. What little I have heard on NPR and other kind of talk shows everybody is frustrated with forgetting passwords and being able to access their accounts. I was given the option, since I could not answer the security word, I can leave a call back request and someone from the bank would call me back and help me work the problems I've been having out or at least answer my questions. The only problem is that the bank would have up to three days to get back with me over the phone. Today was my toenail clipping day. I saddle up and head south on real good road all the way down to 90^th South which is quite a ways down there. I know I will pass my bank and figure it would be worth my time stop by the branch on the way back and get my questions answered.

This is where gets kind of weird for me. It must have been a slow day when I entered the bank because one of the guys said that the desks waved me over when I came in even though there was a teller open. No problem I thought and cruised over to his desk. He is a great young man, and really went out of his way to address my questions. We finally concluded I was having to do some editing on my bank account and for some reason I was asked to verify my age. I was suddenly struck with an almost feeling of terror when it wasn't a matter of not knowing my age as much as it was not knowing the year I was living in right now! Luckily, this did not last long and I gave him my age but I wasn't really sure if it was the right age. Many times I do this trek subtracting my birthdate or birth year from the current year. Today I could not locate the current year, just briefly. I really couldn't securely say that it was 2019 are 2018! I I finally said 67, and thank goodness that was the right birthday. Am I losing it? I've been thinking a lot lately of the roaring 20s of the 19^th century. And somehow I'm just amazed that in two years it will be the roaring 20s again acceptable be 2020. This threw me when he asked me the year because somehow I was thinking that the 20s would start next year. I was really relieved to find that I was one year less in age than I thought. This happens a lot to me around this time of the year. So I guess is nothing new, my confusion of age but still it kind of freaks me out. I've become a bit more hypervigilant regarding what I can remember and how well I can remember what I can remember. What little research I've done indicates that folks with significant head injury are candidates for Alzheimer's and other senior problems. That's all I would need on top of everything else but seriously, I think I would rather greet with open arms a good case of Alzheimer's/dementia when cancer. I don't even know if this makes any sense all I do know for a few seconds this morning I was really scared.

Mark Smith RIP

I'm not sure when I found Mark Smith, Mark E Smith but it was during the days I worked for the state of Utah as an information specialist in disability questions. It had to be as when I first started using the power chair and when I first ordered by first power chair it was a Pride Mobility Product. When things started going wrong with my chair I started doing online research and found a website by this guy named Mark E Smith and I was quite intrigued mainly because his name is basically my name. This Mark Smith actually had his own blog with lots of images. Essentially had his own job with lots of images what a sweet gig to rep a major power wheelchair company. That had to be in the late 1990s or the early 2000's. I spent a lot of time on the Internet just cruising around during the early 2000's.

This Mark Smith got around. I remember at one time during the Clinton era actually two times during the Clinton era I actually got Christmas cards from the White House signed by Bill Clinton. Obviously Bill didn't have the right address are the right Mark Smith. You know what? I actually thought it was for me just as when  Justin Dart, the great disability leader , visited Salt Lake and addressed a number of folks with disabilities. He mentioned a number of folks in the community of Salt Lake/Utah who are making changes for the good for people with disabilities. In that address he mentioned Mark Smith. I don't think it was me. I think he was referencing Mark E Smith not Mark L Smith. However in my own cynical way I actually thought he probably had advance people come into the community and find out who's who in in the zoo and make sure to drop those names in the address. It really had nothing to do with me I know it was about Mark E Smith.

I really wish I knew the whole story of Mr. Smith. He has a Masters degree and he really is a hotshot VP or something for mobility products quantum division. I follow this guy with envy over the last two decades. We had a couple houses one in the country with a giant front yard that he actually mowed himself with a riding lawn mower. This guy had pretty severe spastic cerebral palsy but he got around great. He had his own van but I doubt that he drove but he did get around taking in professional sports activities as well as his own companies work. He traveled coast-to-coast and even further. He must've made decent money to live the life that he did. He had a daughter but seemed to be the center of his life I was always impressed with how much they did together. He goofed around and she put up with his goofing around. He was her dad and she didn't care if he had disability are not,hell she probably didn't even know he was disabled, Mark was just always there.

I was shocked this morning when for no specific reason I googled Mark's name and found out that he died yesterday of cancer. Unbelievable. How unfair to have everything and have it all gone so quickly. Of course, that's the first thing I think of. I'm sure everybody else will note how good/great and happy and's brilliant and special this guy was. And he was all of those but most of all his name was Mark Smith and maybe that says it all.

Christmas Time

We are exactly one month away from Christmas day. I really have this weird preoccupation with the 25^th of the month regardless of the month. I tend to focus everything on how far that 25^th day of the month is from Christmas. I don't know why actually a do know why. I think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year – – I know it sounds like a song but that's why it is a song, cliché or whatever. I live in perpetual hope that Christmas is going to be wonderful.

I'm anxious to start everything Christmas. One of the first things I do is try to get my Christmas cards out. I put them away after every year and then take you forever to find them the next. I have an idea of where my Christmas cards are at I just have to dig them out probably tomorrow. I begin with my relatives pretty much my immediate family. With 10 brothers and sisters (adoptive) that's quite a bit of cards to fill out. Postage never used the matter but now at almost $.60 a card wow. Have addresses for all my brothers and sisters except one. I sent him a card anyway via his older brother who usually knows how to get a hold of him when the need arises. Now there's the whole new “other” family I need to think about – – notice I did not say “worry”. I would just like to get one or two addresses to begin with send cards to. That there's a host of friends I would love to send cards to but I have no addresses. I kind of hate contacting somebody via the net and ask about what their physical addresses, and I must be very sure to let them know what it's for so they don't think I'm totally strange. But is it strange to send cards anymore? In this stage of multimedia, is that the right term? Maybe I should use term social media perhaps is just as best to send a card by the Internet. Perhaps a virtual card is okay for acquaintances and folks that you deal with once or twice a year but even then I don't really like sending personal greetings over the Internet. I should get over that obviously that's the way things are going. I like having a naturalist for a person so I can make out a card and send it. The person gets the card opens it and hopefully is delighted to see that someone thought enough send them a card. That dumb? If it is than I am.

I love the specialized programming of the Christmas season – – not so much the Christmas specials those are kind of trite – – but the great films and the not so great films. Holiday Inn, that one with Jimmy Stewart, Scrooged, A Christmas Carol (Dickens) Home Alone (the original) and a bunch more that I cannot even remember. Even if I don't sit down and watch these videos I hear them in the background and I've seen them so much but I know exactly what's going on by what I'm hearing. It just makes you think of Christmas.

Even though I rarely drink anymore I would like a good gin and tonic, black/white Russian and maybe a blush with a good meal of roast beef and are ham.

Cookies, I would like to take an evening to bake a couple of dozen cookies. I don't care what kind possibly very old-fashioned peanut butter crisscross cookies or oatmeal cookies with lots of raisins and nuts. Possibly sugar cookies cookie cuttered in the shapes of bells, Christmas trees, sleds and drums with that shiny red, green, white icing. This may not be the right place but I would also like a bowl of nuts, nuts in their shells that you have to crack and dig out. There's also peanuts I can't find them anymore that taste like what Christmas peanuts used to taste like. There is nothing special with them and they don't think they were necessarily roasted but there is a special flavor to the Christmas peanuts that I would get in my sock every year that I could not duplicate at any of the time of the year.

We are a month away from Christmas. I should start but I will wait until the end of the week for December 1. But already I'm getting filled with the spirit…

Snow Flakes on a Saturday

Snow fell during the night, the first snow really of the season. They said it was going to come but still looking out my window this morning and seeing the snow falling still kind of surprised me. Thank goodness it's not a whole bunch of snow not that I have anywhere to go for a couple of days thank goodness. Snow on the valley floor still means it's going to get cold real cold and there's more snow forecast later on next week. So it's the season and I might as well enjoy the snow while we haven't.

Last night or more accurately this morning was another challenging event. I don't know how it really happened at around 3 AM I noticed one of my feet sleeping off the bed. I knew this meant trouble and tried to sleep through the event knowing it was just 1 foot but like everything else 1 foot seem to creep further and further off the bed pulling my whole body with it and soon I could tell the other foot for joined in the foot creep to freedom from the mattress. I was pretty tired but I figured I better take action I lowered the foot section of the bed and the head section lowered the whole bed towards the floor as low as it would go. I was quite surprised at the result of lowering the bed. Before when this is happened to me and my bed was in the up position, as high off the floor as possible I couldn't pull my feet up on the bed. Which ended up contacting the resident aid when he was still here or my brother or my home health professional person. By lowering the bed to the lowest position even if my feet hit the floor it was just a matter of pulling rolling back on the bed. I must admit I did get my key caught in the sheets which worried me for a little bit but all in all it wasn't such a better deal. At least did not have to call the fire department authority other family members.I tried to get back to sleep thinking I could get a few more hours in before my home health person/Dana would show up for my morning ritual. Typically she never does me on Saturday but yesterday being the morning after Thanksgiving and after her partying a good part of the night she was pretty zonked so a let her have Friday morning to recover. I actually enjoyed having the extra day except for my bowel was getting kind of full and I sort of feared doing a bed poop or transfer poop. Either way I did not yet much if any further sleep during the night. But, I've done pretty well today. I didn't do much except watch the snow fall, fold clothes from the weekend wash and put away the new slow cooker or worked on that project. I did work out, doing the arm bike for the last time this week. I am in a little discomfort tonight having some sort of infection between my scrotum in my leg. I think it's a hygiene situation may be brought about from the length of time going from Wednesday to Saturday. I am always in pressed at how well Dana washes me. She did a good job today I just hope it does the job. I'll look through stash of medicines I have see if I have any of the medicines Dana talked about.

It's the cold season, I went to the food bank today and got more chicken and steak. It wasn't too bad rolling over in the snow I continue to wear a red blanket over my legs now. Sure makes it look really crochet disability wise but hell it's comfortable.

On My Own

I don't know if you can tell that sometimes I am just beside myself at how well am doing, living on my own ,in this apartment, in this part of town in this power chair. I don't talk too much about it for fear jinxing myself but really everything that tits up right now this very second I would feel I've done incredibly good. I wish that all David Riser, my retired physystrist, can see how well I was doing. He would not believe it, Riser barely believed I did what I did when he knowingly and he saw me doing it. But seriously, damn I am doing great, enough said I don't want to jinx.

I was plenty worried but I moved out of the house after the two surgeries, in-house rehabilitation and then outpatient rehabilitation. I really wasn't terrified of living on my own (well kind of I really sat down and thought about so I try not to think about it. I just made my contacts and tried to go to the next step all along the way and not think about what could've happened in just settled on thinking about what is happening. I still am and wonder when I do stop and think about what is going on.

I am making it on three poops a week with accompanying showers. I have to go at some. During the week two nights without without assistance in the toileting area. I'm just so surprised that I have not had an accidental poop yet. I know the poop is coming, the poop's got a be coming because the poop hasn't come yet. I get up in the morning, shave and stuff , make coffee get dressed, then I do my day. I know the sound minimal but for me the maximum. Even I don't know how I do it.

Last night I was laying in bed and thinking to myself what was the best part about paralysis. I laughed to myself and thought it and thought “this is it, right here laying on the bed. I can lay here right on the edge of the bed all night and be okay because I won't move because I'm paralyzed. Now, there is the issue of an occasional spasm which could actually throw me off the bed if I wasn't careful. However, I try to minimize this risk by parking my power chair right next to the bed my legs should they fall off the edge. I sure hope that does not happen. However it has in the past. Most the times I have been able to correct the problem myself and hold myself back onto the bed a couple times I've had to call people who come to rescue me and that's worked out. I know most of the time I have been darn lucky. At one time I believed living on my own and falling out of my bed would've been the end of the world now I know you just call the fire department. It's all kind of crazy to me. Even with all that I'm doing it on my own. Well maybe not all on my maybe I have someone looking out for me… And that's okay too

Fit For Me

Today was kind of weird– – Thanksgiving – – I felt like I was in the race and I was not in the race. No one was coming over, there is no reason to meet even finish making Thanksgiving dinner if I did not want to at least that's what I thought. But I felt reasonably good and finally got around to putting the dinner together.

Remember yesterday I made a dressing/stuffing and pumpkin pies. Should have put the pumpkin pies in the refrigerator overnight covered but I didn't. My apartment must be very dry the pumpkin pie quickly dried out kind of separating from the piecrust. I was not all that pleased with the piecrust this morning. Actually I thought/felt the crust tasted a little funky you know like too long in the freezer. But I leaned upon I anyway. I don't know how get it I will get both pies consumed is especially if I want to lose any weight. Today I was going to do the turkey in my new roaster. I got the turkey bags out and make sure I knew what I was doing with them and then finally finished the turkey out of the fridge. The turkey is only 10 pounds but still awkward the handle but I got out without issue. I struggled a little with cutting the that off of the bird and then getting into the plastic itself but finally got that accomplished too. Cleaned up the sinks earlier in the day make sure I had lots of room and the sinks are fairly clean. Took me forever to pull the guts out of the turkey cavities making sure I got the packet stuck out of the neck skin. I want the carcass then wrestled it to be making sac/bag. I'm just glad I did not drop the turkey on the floor at any time. You remember I purchased the roaster from my neighbor. I was feeling pretty stoked that I was not going to get the roaster dirty because I was cooking the turkey in a bag. I did everything right and it was kind of tricky getting the bird in the bag but I remember to put in the tablespoon of flour (so the bag would not explode) but I forgot but that venting slits into the bag. Then it also took forever to cinch the little plastic device around the neck of the bag making sure everything stayed in the back. I opened the can of cranberry sauce but it is a plastic container and then come out for the next 3 ½ hours. I got my armed bike workout finished. And as I got closer to the end of the cooking cycle I dug out three potatoes peeled them and got potatoes ready to boil for the mashed potatoes.

I was concerned because I think the bird at 350° which the bag said to do but the directions on the plastic bag particular called for temperature of 325°. I got kind of worried because I thought perhaps the extra 25° possibly my least to overcooking. I really had not put much thought into the endgame but sure enough. Little red plunger was sticking out at the best of Turkey like it was really happy to see me. Like I said I really hadn't thought through how I was going to get the turkey up to a level where I could pull the turkey out of the bag. I kept myself busy and let the oven/turkey cooldown to where I could comfortably work on the bird. Even when the temperature finally dropped 12 point of being able to lift the roaster from the oven top of the cabinets where I could work on the bird. I did not drop subverted all think it's I realized that's what I went to try to lift the bird free of the plastic bag that the task was going to be a really significant challenge. When I tried to lift the legs of the turkey deboned just slipped out of the leg portion. The same happened when I tried to lift the rib cage out and meet some finished it just fell off the bones. I had to pull the pieces of one piece of the time but on the plate.

I didn't open up any vegetables canned or otherwise except for the potatoes and mashed quite significantly with the electric mixer. I figure this is going to be basic meat and potatoes dinner. I don't know what happened to be brown sugar I know I have a new bag kicking around somewhere but cannot find them so I did not cook the candied yams which was a blessing and probably in a lot of ways. I didn't open the all lives.

About 4 o'clock I had my Thanksgiving dinner. A few pieces of turkey smallish but they were actually tasty. I really quite enjoyed the meal. I don't know if it would have been better with people all I know is accepted dinner fit for me.

Prelude To A Dinner…

I started with the stuffing – – it seemed like the easiest thing to do. Actually, it started way before then. For some reason I don't remember quite why but I started this project thinking I had a roaster for my turkey. As I got looking I remembered that the last turkey cooked was just parts of a turkey. Last year or the year before about this time I wanted to have at least a taste of the holiday so I purchased just a turkey breast and two legs. You know you can do that. The butcher in the back of well carve it up up to what you want really is quite nice. That is really what I should've done this year but since I did not buy the turkey, having one donated to me gave me the challenge of cooking another bird. There really is nothing like. So, my plan if you remember is to do my cooking in increments.

So get this I realized I didn't have any sage. Really, I know I have sage here somewhere I just cannot find it anywhere. So I took off immediately for the market across the street and as I was leaving my apartment I ran into my neighbor who was leaving for the senior center and suggested that I should check over there for a roaster at the senior center bizarre, and small little secondhand shop. I actually thought about checking it out but decided I needed to just give the show on the road about across street and purchased a roaster, a bottle of sage and a couple cans of chicken broth. I was set to go. (Interesting note as I was working out on my bike my neighbor knocked on the door to let me know she found a roaster but she brought over to see if I wanted it. I told her that I purchased a roaster but decided to check it out later anyway when I finished. Turns out it's a huge beautiful, almost antique roaster which cost five bucks, three dollars cheaper than the roaster from Fresh Market. I actually took the roaster back to the market returned the device picked up a bag of carrots.

I love the smell of onions, celery and butter wilting down getting ready to be used for the stuffing. I got a box of instant stuffing from the food bank I didn't realize what could use it but this morning Dana my morning staff said yeah just at the vegetables like you would the bread and stuff which I did and it turned out good enough for me for Thanksgiving and made the apartment smell wonderful . I threw it all together along with a can of chicken broth and the name but is in the bread pan and cook it for a half-hour. I will get tomorrow with my turkey. This will work just fine.

I gave myself a small break, did a cryptogram and started on the pies. I kind of wished I'd had liquor store and got a bottle of Tanqueray not a big bottle a mini if they still have those. I'm surprised at how well the pies went together. I had to private crusts frozen in the freezer I think from last Thanksgiving. They seemed okay a little crumbly. I slopped the pies pretty bad putting them in the oven but I got them in more or less they cooked. They're still in their cooling down. I hope they turned out okay. Doesn't matter I'm the only one who will know , one way or the other. So I'm kind of done for now. The kitchen is not that much of a mess which kind of amazes me. I even got some bags that I will put the bird in when I roast him tomorrow. I'm going to use the new/old roaster. It should be super easy to clean up when I'm done. I have olives, cranberry sauce and I'm thinking of making some mashed potatoes but will have to see about that. I thought about Jell-O but I doubt I will do anything and that area, just to messy. It's kind of fun. It's also kind of pathetic but I'm trying not to dwell on that.

It's In The Bed?

What's in a Bag? A simple question but could be a very important question are can be a very scary question. Bags left by themselves I've always kind of intrigued me if nothing else it always seemed to me filled with wonder.

I was pleased this morning when I made the call and found that we would be having a advisory board meeting this morning to allocate funding for consumer grants at Assist, Inc. apartment still looks pretty decent from the straightening up that Mark performed on Sunday. I seem to be fluctuating one moment to the next as to whether I'm going to actually do the Thanksgiving day feast I keep threatening that I am. I have everything I need at the marshmallows which I picked up tonight at the Walmart. At my meeting Dave did the “what's everyone going to do or the holiday?” Interrogation. Everyone went on and on about what they were going to do – – a lot of over the river and through the woods stuff, one person going to Seattle, one person going to Washington DC and others having family over and then suddenly it was my turn. I think I started bubbling. I talked about how I got the turkey and food bank on Saturday accompanied with the bag of fixings. I then rattle on about how I was thinking about preparing the meal differently than I've done before so the task does not overwhelm me I'm going to make parts of the dinner tonight and tomorrow and then took the bird on Thursday. That way I'll have it all done in parts. Even if things like the candied yams or stuffing is made before , days before, it really won't matter when you eat them or when I eat them. But all taste great and in small manageable portions. I have two piecrust in the freezer which is better than sometime hope the piecrust's are still edible. I could tell by the looks on people's faces that they were about ready to start making suggestions about what I could do for the holiday if I didn't want to be alone. I assured them I am okay. I let them know that nobody's home is accessible to a power chair without major intervention. I love not okay that in fact I was better than okay that I was looking forward to building the feast and enjoying the day on my own terms albeit Solitaire or what ever.

The morning was brisk and crisp as I headed out for the bus stop. I was a little concerned about getting to the bus stop in time before the bus around but I had lots of time. My curiosity was perks when I came around the corner and saw this bag sitting in the bus shelter. Really, it was kind of spooky that look like at regular backpack stuffed full with a hoodie stretched over the top. I don't know why but the bag felt nefarious. I don't know why it was just a feeling I didn't wanted to touch the bag. The bag was too neat placed with too much precision. I turned my back to the bag and turned my face to the sun and tilted back in my chair and waited for the 47. The driver commented on the bag and he indicated he had same feelings and then went into explanation of how the transit authority tells the drivers to leave such items alone or call him in the dispatch who will then have the bag retrieved one way or the other.

I'm sure the incident the black backpack at a most peaceful and rational explanation. I'm sure my imagination was just going wild but still the setup looked nefarious to me

Videos!

If you go to YouTube and when she gets into the YouTube site search for “meadowlarkmark”. As the constant readers of this blog know Meadowlark was a name bestowed on me by my good friend Alan Kimball are “almost Al”. And I really like that moniker and of used it quite a bit for passwords, login names and anything that requires me to have a alter ego name of one sort or another plus when I use the name in public like at a group meeting, group function of some sort it's a great icebreaker which allows me to go into great stories related to the name. Anyway when you go into you to type that name in the search function you should get a link to about 40 some videos either produced by me or videos I've taken of interesting events I was at. I forget that I even have these videos. These videos are quite vintage anymore some of the more than 10 years old. I really like them because of the ability that gives me the search around scenes that bring me great peace. I'm particularly fond of videos that show the interior of the house on Murray Street. Videos of my room and videos of the dining room. Even pictures of my old office when I was employed by the state of Utah.

The other day I really can't remember what the reason was but I sent a copy of one of the videos to my niece who lives in another state. What surprised me/shocked me was that she reported when she clicked on the link she got the message that the video was no longer there. I think that's weird because I'm still showing the video on my YouTube account. I'm a little concerned because I've noticed the quality of the videos seem to be deteriorating. I don't know the science/chemistry or whatever happens to a video over time, on the Internet but Bums me out because I like the videos that I have up. I don't know if I have the tenacity to contact you to and find out what's going on. I don't know if I'm that worried about losing the ability to have people watch me perform air guitar in my computer room in the Murray house 10 or 15 years ago. I suppose I'm just vain enough I will actually do that and effort to perpetuate what little celebrity that I have.

I'm actually thinking of starting are developing new videos. I just think they're so many great old pieces of music from my youth that I just love to lip sync. I've sort of an interested in the whole concept of doing some podcasts. I did these you know before they are really called podcasts. When I interviewed different executive directors from the state of Utah. I sure wish I had been able to keep copies of the interviews I think there is almost 100 interviews by the time I got finished was really kind of fun. They're easy to do an executive directors are pretty big egos.

I'm going to tag a video to the top of this post hopefully you be taken to the video.

T-Week :-)

It's officially Thanksgiving week which I love regardless of being retired or not. It's not like I'm going to do anything different this week except bake a turkey and maybe a pie and maybe some of the condiments that go along with Thanksgiving dinner but I don't think I'll be doing anything collectively with any group of people. That's okay, it's not a real big deal for me. I like to blame the fact that I'm living on my own and that even if I did have transportation (I do have a van that's true but I don't drive that have to have someone else do the driving) I don't believe there are any home as I could get into for the Thanksgiving feast short of my old home on Utahna drive, I don't even know if the ramp is still in place if I was able to get an invitation to a dinner there. I guess if I really wanted to (I was actually momentarily fantasizing sitting in my old manual chair and hounding relatives to the point that they would open their homes to me on Thanksgiving – – those that would be willing to drag me up steps and stairs). Wow, how desperate would a person have to be to go to those kind of length to get invited to a Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner.?

Oh yeah, Thanksgiving week, that's what I was rambling about before I got carried away into social isolation land. But I'm kind of excited. Yesterday, Saturday, as usual was food bank day. That wonderful day when I cruise across the driveway to the food bank wait in line with my little basket on my lap, with all the other “poor people” in this area, waiting for the doorbell the sound meaning it's my time into the food bank proper where I'll be bestowed my weekly ration of protein and Staples. Last year I really hadn't been using the food bank services very much at this point in time so I wasn't really sure how turkeys and all that would go. You will remember that I had us stint working with 211 a couple years back and truly, Thanksgiving and Christmas are major days in the food bank world were literally tons of turkeys are given away. Since this year I been much more active with the food bank program I was astounded to receive not only my regular protein allotment chicken frozen and a ribeye steak frozen but one turkey (10 pounds) and better yet the total fixings, well almost total but, the canned good fixings of a typical Thanksgiving dinner. One can of olives, what can of cranberry sauce, one can of beef gravy, one can of green beans one can of corn, two cans of evaporated milk, one can of pumpkin, one can of yams, one box of dressing (bread), one box of RiceaRoni the San Francisco treat. I have no idea what the box of Rice a Roni is for but I just did a quick search of the rice product and found all kinds of options. That's pretty exciting. Later on yesterday afternoon I did a quick trip over to the market and got some celery and onions just on the off chance I would actually make some dressing.

As I write this I must confess I begin to drool a little bit. A little disappointed in that I really am quite frightened that anything I eat can be added weight. I think I may put my diet on hold until after the new year – – is Kim would say is and that just stinking thinking? I cleaned the kitchen a little bit yesterday and I think I'll do some more work on it today in anticipation of doing some early cooking for my holiday. I have the turkey in the refrigerator of course and I think it's on its way to being defrosted. I might even put most of the meal together on Wednesday and then just cook the the turkey Thursday morning. What kind of proud of myself from the shopping expedition I did yesterday I did not pick up my customary Clover club potato chips figuring I have enough materials as it is.

Yes I am totally excited, not jumping up and down excited as kids get this time of the year but a small warm happy feeling deep down in my cockles knowing this is the season to be thankful and you know what I am.

It Just Doesn't Feel Right.

It's way too easy to shop anymore. I did it. I just ordered my replacement crockpot slow cooker. It was easy I just went to the Internet, fixed my Amazon account, cruise through a number of different options and found a crockpot, it was not love at first sight but this crockpot is what I needed. Crockpot is simple, looks durable and probably most importantly cheap. I spent a couple days wandering around Amazon is all kinds of “smart technology” crockpots but I don't need something like that. I just need something I can put a roast in or a couple couple of cups of beans and turning on and live my life. For a few dollars more I could've got all kinds of features automatic turn on turnoff lower temperature increased temperature at certain times probably if I really wanted to tie it into my Samsung and be able to run everything through my cell phone or tablet. But like I said I don't need that. Also they were a lot of things like latches that block the lid in place so when you went to grandma's house you wouldn't be slapping stuff all over the back seat. Seriously, I do not intend to be taking my pot of beans, roast or chicken anywhere except my house. I'm not sure what size my other crockpot was but I got the 7 quart variety/size. I'm sure it'll be just fine and 7 quart that's almost 2 gallons of liquid that should take care of any amount of beans I want to make it one time.

I felt kind of bad ordering from Amazon prime – – yes I am an Amazon prime member. I don't know if I have the KAHUNA'S is to cancel my membership with all the bad publicity Amazon has generated for itself recently. I really am kind of surprised I went to Amazon route. Usually I fret and try to go the free route if I could and if not that check out the options at Deseret industries hoping I can find an intact cooker at a good price. In that same vein I also considered checking out ShopKo even my local fresh market or a superstore where I see a section for appliances. That would allow me the enjoyment of having the product immediately not like I really need anything immediately. I still have half of my beans to go through and I don't think I really be making any beans soon. And possibly the most deciding factor was the fact that I would have to figure out a way to carry the device home on my lap. I doubt that I would have an issue with such a task. Carrying the device would just be awkward at best and I would be concerned about dropping the product but even if I did these items are generally packed fairly well. Not that was a big deal, as I said I won't be utilizing the cooker soon but it looks as if my slow cooker will be delivered sometime Monday, day after tomorrow!

So, UPS or somebody will deliver my cooker right to my door and all I have to do is open my door drag the box in throw it on the table and unpack my cooker. Amazon is definitely the bad guy, I can see that. Amazon makes it easy for me to spend money even if I can afford it, even if I should have it because I deserve it just doesn't feel right.

Friday Whine

105.1 kg!

right another kilogram! Actually 5/10 of a gram whatever that works out to be. Whatever the issue I'm gaining weight! I do not want to gain weight I want to lose weight. My home health person just shrugged and said “write it down. That's the only way you're going to be able to lose weight.” She went on to say that she was in the bill of major concentration weight loss anticipating the upcoming Thanksgiving eating frenzy. I don't have that luxury. I'm way beyond the comfort limit, in fact Dana indicated that doing up my pants this morning was a bigger challenge than usual inferring my weight gain. How is really hoping the vinegar of apples would make the difference but apparently not. I could grasp an excuse of I have not been drinking 2 cups of the solution as I'm supposed to do. Probably just a scam anyway.

I look with some trepidation at the upcoming holiday. I doubt that I will be with any family group at least of my own. I've also been dragging my feet as far as requesting a Thanksgiving dinner from Salvation Army. This is a program I remember working the phones on when I was with 211. I never thought in 1 million years one would be for me. I'm probably too late anyway. There has been a sign-up sheet all week in the front of the complex to make sure that those who are assigned gets Turkey dinners. I think I signed up for it last year and was not all that impressed. Since I'm overweight as it is maybe I'll just blow off any Thanksgiving dinner/treats this year. For that matter, I should give up eating till the first of the year. I mean I really need to lose the weight as a health issue and being able to be independent.

Still no storms to speak of at least here in the West for everything seems to be burning up, still. New York got a storm today which made the news still trying to figure that one out. Yesterday, I heard a roaring noise outside my window. I could not figure it out at first but then it dawned on me it was maintenance and they were out actually blowing all the leaves which had fallen and curled up on the grass and driveway into a giant pile and marching them down the driveway to the end where there be sucked up by a leaf eating truck or I'm sure they'll be turned into mulch or something just as disgusting. It's all part of the change get on board it's happening and it's happening now.

My apartment continues to deconstruct one day at a time. I really need to put some clean on the kitchen. I was semi-validated today and Dana asked me if something had died in the kitchen! She said she could smell something decomposing somewhere. I'd smelled something to last couple days but couldn't find anything when I looked. There are some vegetables on the table but the been there all summer, potatoes particularly morphing into something almost attractive but I'm sure some are rotting nothing spells worse than rotting potatoes. I should do a major throw away with things on the sink. I keep washing them and using them but never putting them away. I almost went out today to purchase a slow cooker and after weighing myself I figured I don't need to be making more food and need to be making less. I really like the effect the beans I've made have on me except for I'm sure the constant eating of the beans are not productive to my weight alleys to what I want to look like. Now to end on a positive note note my butt feels better …

My Old Crock

I just have to say I love my crockpot. I don't believe I've ever used my crock is much as I've used it since I've moved into this apartment complex. It's not that I'm a lazy cooker is just that having a functioning crockpot is just so much easier especially when you're cooking things like roasts, soups and more recently I've really began to cook beans and other dry products that take a long time to soften up and cook right. I tried something new the other day just to see if it might fly. I've gotten all these cans of what are called “vegetarian beans”. They look to me like maybe beings, or white beans and their canned in a light tomato sauce with very little salt. I've gathered these beings from the sharing shelf where they've got them from USDA food surplus for low income folks. I guess nobody really likes these beans or the people just become inundated with too many cans. Anyway, I opened a can and found they wash off quite easily put in a strainer. So I opened up three cans of beans Ford experiment.

I put the beans in my crockpot with the remainder of the bacon I purchased a couple weeks ago, onion, celery and celery nubs I found working from items sent home with me from the last family function here at the facility. If you're in a couple spices IE, pepper, salt and some other things which I thought might jazz up the flavor a little and then cooked for hours and hours. I didn't need to, the beans are already cooked when I took him out of the can. Surprisingly, the results were pretty good. The only drawback of using canned beans over dried beans is that when they sit for a couple of days in the refrigerator they don't break down into the delightful bean sauce/soup that you get with reconstituted beans setting for an extended period of time. However is quite pleased and will definitely try the experiment again because I have more cans of beans to consider. Next time I believe I will throw in more vegetables. I have a couple of bags of Asian mushrooms I've held onto for years that I believe and work quite well in garbanzo beans, black beans, white beans, pinto beans etc. etc.

Like I said I was quite pleased with the way this “bean soup” turned out. This was on Sunday I did not get around to washing the crock until Wednesday morning. It was early, I was trying to get a leg on my day before my morning staff showed up so as washing up some dishes. My hands were soapy and friend lifting the crock to rinse the receptacle slipped from my hands and edge caught on the stone masonry of the sink breaking the edge off completely making the crock useless. I thought about replacing the crock but cost to be $15 and then when I researched the heating unit I found out there was a recall other had been a recall for years on this heating unit! I figure it's just as easy to buy a new crockpot/slow cooker system. And really some are priced lower than the cost replacing the crock. I possibly could pick one up at Deseret industries or other secondhand store very inexpensive but I don't know the effort would be worth the end result. I did put a small notice on the Facebook by an off that will produce anything we'll see. I will probably just order the device off Amazon and get it over with.

It's kind of funny I still have quite a bit of beans left over but not having the ability to crockpot anymore beans right now I suddenly want to. There's nothing like a crock of beans.

Oral Stones

My life is evaporating day by day week by week month by month adding up to be year-by-year going by so quickly I can barely stand it. This morning while I was guiltily munching corn chips, huge Frito corn chips actually they're called Frito corn scoops for dipping, when all of a sudden I felt a rock rolling around in my mouth! I of course did a middle evaluation of everything had been that morning and they could not recall eating rocks. I thought of course immediately blaming the folks at Frito-Lay and immediately relinquishing them from blame. By this time, I had swallowed the processed corn chip and was playing tongue soccer with the rock. I finally coached the rock onto the tip of my tongue which I placed then on the tip of one finger to examine this foreign object. The object was small, very small tamales amazed at how large they feel in the mouth but on inspection are minute. The item was about a small but it was dark and black as if it was a meteor which had fallen through the universe of my head landing in my mouth. I then recalled the last time something like this happened, the debris was the same color however a bit larger and more flat. I searched my mouth with my tongue and indeed found a rear tooth facing hollowed out as if a piece had fallen off the surface of the tooth which indeed had. The small rock I now had on my fingertip another piece of my tooth are more correctly and ancient filling which no longer could hold on to the two and fell away.

This filling was no doubt put on 20 some years ago, at least by great dentist named Drew Luke. Drew of course has long retired and probably fishing salmon somewhere up in Alaska. When I went through this “terror” last year my new dentist assured me that it was good work Drew had done but had run its technological course with the technology used or available at that time. I put the new tooth and envelope marked “frag” and put it on my desk. Luckily, I'm experiencing no discomfort in fact I can't even feel a surface of my teeth wear this piece could've originated. There is a “post” standing all by itself in the very back of my mouth on the lower left-hand side , so far back that my tongue cannot get back there to feel the surface of that to I'm sure that's where it's from. And who knows maybe it's just a stone that has become dislodged from the lip or something. However with my luck I'm sure it's a good piece of work for Dr. Alan to consider. I'm not anticipating really any discomfort/pain except to my bank account if indeed we go that process. If it's the tooth I suspect the piece came from that must be saved at all costs, will sort of at all costs. If I don't have that molar it would be hard to do any grinding on that side of the mouth. I guess I could get one of those new 'teeth' drilled in to my mouth.

So tomorrow or Friday I'll call to make an appointment to assess the damage and see where we go from there. Sigh :-(

Bed Made.✔ Check

104.5 kg  

I don't go to Facebook like I used to. I am a little bit embarrassed to admit that at one time I was going to Facebook three or four or five times a day just to see what was happening and probably (more honestly) to see if there'd been anything written about me or had anyone commented on any thing I've done on my Facebook page. Now however, I go maybe only one or two times a day depending on how active I feel. Anyway, I was kind of interested today when one of my old time acquaintances had a picture of the bed, made up, with something like “how many of you make your bed every day or is it just an illusion” or something very near to that. I am not a great bed maker even before I had but some folks would say would be a decent excuse.

I think my mother tried and it probably was not just me but I never really had a clean room. I usually shared a room with my older brother so I should not have to take all the blame but usually our bedroom was a mess. And I think my mom wanted us to keep it clean or to try keep it clean but we never really did. Maybe she was just too tired at that point in her life to care “what the boys did”. Seems like once or twice a year she would have enough and say “All right, you're in your room until you get it clean”. This would take literally hours. Probably, when taking a lot less time if I wasn't so preoccupied with other things. Of course everything changed after my accident.

Following my accident seemed like my older brother was gone for one reason or another. I had a giant old hospital bed and I had a room to myself. Now I'm thinking back on my old room, after my accident,I had to keep a semblance of order to my room I would not be able to go anywhere in my wheelchair. I usually had a desk of some sort that I had my electric typewriter and whatever else I was playing with at the time – – it was a mess usually. Couple times my mom cleaned it and I always liked it when she did that was pretty rare. I didn't make my bed though.

In the previous six months before I was thrown out of the house I actually started making the bed as best I could. Remember, this would've been after my last stenosis but as trying to get my life back in order. I actually started taking some pride in throwing my bed back together. Even this attempt at keeping my room together was pretty pathetic the fact that I did something with my bed that mildly constituted order made me feel kind of good. Now days I am making my bed about four days a week. These are the days when I don't have staff command the toilet and bathe me. The person I have now, Dana, is great she always makes my bed – – and I must say it's not altruistic happiness in rainbows must do something for the gimp but she has to wait 20-30 minutes following the insertion mini-enemeez. There really is no other place my apartment to relax so Dana makes the bed and lays down for her “power rest” until I call her to finish by process. I don't do a very good job of making the bed, probably more characteristically I straighten the bed, if I can. But try to line the sheets back up as well as blankets and with my sticks push a little there pull little here and eventually the bed begins to look passable for being “made”. Some days are better than others but all days when the bed is straightened up the whole room seems a bit more livable, and so is my life.

Video Wasteland

Click this link to my YouTube account 

I forgot how much I enjoy working with video. For the past couple of weeks I've noted with some consternation that something is happening to my power chair. I suspect, but have very little evidence to validate, that what is happening is my spasticity had become gotten so significant that my tone has gotten so great that it's actually twisting my tilt mechanism on my power chair. I have not really pursued a remedy for this problem till today actually. If I don't take positive steps the the chair is going to go down on me and I'm going to be in major problems. The issue is do I go into the wheelchair shop which is a major hassle just because the shop is not located on a bus route. I have gone there before, in good weather, and is taking forever to get there and I really have to travel quite a distance. The other alternative is a said the truck over to collect the chair to do the evaluation that they either send the chair back to me or they do the work if they have the product they need to fix the chair. Traditionally they do not touch the chair until they have insurance verification. So, I thought and thought and figured I'd make a video and send it to the facility see what they thought. I've kind of done this before but when I want to send the video, regardless of how short I make the video, it's just way too much data to send over normal channels. However, I remembered a project that I was doing at one time and checked out my YouTube account and was delighted to see that the YouTube account was still active. I of course immediately wandered down memory lane watching some of these that produced for five years ago. So much as happened. So anyway I figured I could make a small video posted to my YouTube account and then have the wheelchair technicians check out the YouTube account and video is not to send the link.

After some finagling and trying to find equipment that would do the work I needed to have done I knocked off a fast video. I now have to try to find the old sales guy who also acts as my portal to wheelchair repair and see what we can get going. Chances are I'm still going to have to split with my chair for a while and live in my backup chair but I suppose that is what I would have to do.

I have about 40 videos on YouTube may be a little bit more because I have another account on YouTube that I cannot quite remember the name of. There was another program I worked with at one time when I was doing a couple broadcast a month for a couple years. Sadly I've lost almost 100 of those podcasts. Hundred seems to match but there is a lot of them. I really have some cute videos that I made a number of years ago. It's a shame that these videos seem to degrade over time which means at some point they will lose their integrity altogether but until that time there are still available and you can go there. Go to YouTube.com and in the search sectionn “meadowlarkmark” and this should bring my video account. Check it out you be glad that you did ...

Duby

This picture of my birth mother, Duby. For some reason I thought the spelling was Doobie like the brothers. I thought this is a new name for me actually but when I went back and checked my mother's are grandmothers Journal/history I saw the name written there as we. I don't know why it never registered with me but there it was big is Dallas Duby. I only have this image now due to the good works of my “new” sister-in-law Carla who diligently acquired this information and preserved the documentation. She is done a monumental job which I believe I have documented to some extent already in this blog.

It's strange to me to look at this black and white photo that has a date of 1953 scribbled at the bottom. Theoretically this photo was taken two years after my birth but now there's beginning to be some question as to my actual birthdate. I must say this has left is somewhat flummoxed as this familial rabbit hole just gets deeper and deeper. Luckily I have a birth certificate that says 1951 is my birthdate I'm going to stick to that. I was talking to someone a couple days ago who was suggesting that my birth year might be 1952 and possibly as late of 1953. I can't accept that however as desirable as that might be, knocking off a couple years of my age. That would be great but I don't think so. Not that I doubt that mother Maurine, my adoptive mother could've figured out a way to change the dates, after all she managed to adopt me as a single mother and Boise Idaho in the early 50s. That was one hell of a hat trick. There's also the case of how I fit in with my cousins with whom I was fairly close at the time. I fit quite nicely between Janus and Leah as well as my “twin” cousin Mike who supposedly was born on the same day as me. Still though just more weirdness on top of all the other weirdness. Seriously my life fits right in their with something from the X-Files or Area 51.

I looked at the photo closely trying to see part of me in there and somehow I kind of do. I don't know if it's the sadness behind the eyes or what. I wish I had a a clearer image that show the whole body. She just looks so alone and lonely. Oddly identify with the look, I seem to understand a little the feeling she seems to be radiating across time. I wonder if somehow I have been able to make contact with her in later life what we would've talked about. I think I would've asked her not necessarily why she gave me out (or the rest of the brothers and sisters) but what was her lifelike. Before her parents like in her childhood and what had been her goals and dreams had she had any. I would really like to of seeing if any of her nuances and issues or problems were passed down to me in one form or another. I wonder if we would been friends. I wonder she had issues with bonding and maybe that was why we kids were so easily given up, if we were easily given up.

I doubt I will ever know these things however my sister-in-law says that she was able to retrieve quite a bit of data when they cleaned out the home where Duby lived before she died . Again it was the boxes of records that Carla was able to find and then do the copious research to bring to light the information that led to revelation of this extended family! Maybe, there is a journal somewhere in the boxes (I hope there are boxes) which might shed more light on this fountainhead.

Insomnia

Insomnia by Stephen King is a great read. I love the book I try to read it once a year usually in the summer. What I like about the volume is it's about an older guy like me, someone on their own just getting by but all of a sudden he is suffering insomnia. It's a good read, for any senior, I recommend highly the book Insomnia. Anyway, I woke this morning at about 2:30 AM and really I could not get back to sleep after that. You know how goes you just lay there in bed wishing desperately for that tsunami of sleep to wash over me and take me back to sleep well for a few more hours.

I wish I did something more productive with my time, laying there in bed devoutly wishing for sleep, I could be writing this blog, writing in general I still have my three letters to write that I write every month which I have not written because everybody was in town last week when I usually write. Equally as interesting/entertaining as I have one thought after another which really sounds good as I lay there in bed pondering these actions but I never translated into action once I wake. I'm afraid that if I even move around enough to get my writing device and dictate a few lines that that will be enough to truly wake me up and never let me get back to sleep. Today for instance I actually have the idea to blog on the concept of insomnia. I also thought about putting together a number of short stories into a possible book format on a particular area I've been interested in for some time which would be writing a number of experiences from kid days. Now I have written about kid days a little bit in this blog but not in the short story format and even shorter than short story. Possibly a short short story a little bit more than a haiku. I don't know how realistic this is by got thinking about it when we were having our own reenactment of kid day last week. There were a number of experiences just short of miraculous that happened on Kid Day. One of my buddies from my work days often said I should write down these experiences I always talk to him about at work. I know other acquaintances I've indicated the same. I've always been somewhat intimidated to begin this project for fear I would not have anything to say. I wondered as we experienced kid day last week what would be really fun, sort of, is to write the story then circulated to the other members of the family who experienced the event to get their take of what they felt as we were going through the experience. I've even wondered about just doing, like these blogs, 500 word treatises of the events and that may be build on what but the other individuals think.

I'm so pleased that I remember this, even now writing this makes you feel I can actually pulled it off. I don't know but it would be fun to get the kids input once I'd written my example, perhaps even better would be to get their input on what was going on. This would indeed be a long process but she might be fun but also possible Thanksgiving project if I ever see these people in one place.

Oddly enough, I won't say I was bowled over by a tsunami but I did get enough wave action to feel like I got a little more sleep. It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon as I write this and I feel okay I don't feel the undertow of not enough sleep.

Blog 111018—Saturday

Insomnia by Stephen King is a great read. I love the book I try to read it once a year usually in the summer. What I like about the volume is it's about an older guy like me, someone on their own just getting by but all of a sudden he is suffering insomnia. It's a good read, for any senior, I recommend highly the book Insomnia. Anyway, I woke this morning at about 2:30 AM and really I could not get back to sleep after that. You know how goes you just lay there in bed wishing desperately for that tsunami of sleep to wash over me and take me back to sleep well for a few more hours.

I wish I did something more productive with my time, laying there in bed devoutly wishing for sleep, I could be writing this blog, writing in general I still have my three letters to write that I write every month which I have not written because everybody was in town last week when I usually write. Equally as interesting/entertaining as I have one thought after another which really sounds good as I lay there in bed pondering these actions but I never translated into action once I wake. I'm afraid that if I even move around enough to get my writing device and dictate a few lines that that will be enough to truly wake me up and never let me get back to sleep. Today for instance I actually have the idea to blog on the concept of insomnia. I also thought about putting together a number of short stories into a possible book format on a particular area I've been interested in for some time which would be writing a number of experiences from kid days. Now I have written about kid days a little bit in this blog but not in the short story format and even shorter than short story. Possibly a short short story a little bit more than a haiku. I don't know how realistic this is by got thinking about it when we were having our own reenactment of kid day last week. There were a number of experiences just short of miraculous that happened on Kid Day. One of my buddies from my work days often said I should write down these experiences I always talk to him about at work. I know other acquaintances I've indicated the same. I've always been somewhat intimidated to begin this project for fear I would not have anything to say. I wondered as we experienced kid day last week what would be really fun, sort of, is to write the story then circulated to the other members of the family who experienced the event to get their take of what they felt as we were going through the experience. I've even wondered about just doing, like these blogs, 500 word treatises of the events and that may be build on what but the other individuals think.

I'm so pleased that I remember this, even now writing this makes you feel I can actually pulled it off. I don't know but it would be fun to get the kids input once I'd written my example, perhaps even better would be to get their input on what was going on. This would indeed be a long process but she might be fun but also possible Thanksgiving project if I ever see these people in one place.

Oddly enough, I won't say I was bowled over by a tsunami but I did get enough wave action to feel like I got a little more sleep. It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon as I write this and I feel okay I don't feel the undertow of not enough sleep.