Writers Guild and Voices In The Night

Biological mom and dad

Today was what we used to call writers Guild, two writers in whatever I am which meet every couple months talk about be used to think how we're all progressing on our writing careers. Of course only one member of the group was actually getting paid to write on a daily basis. I cannot say the writers Guild has devolved into a social gathering of friends who love to be together and this is the rationale that allows us to do such. We do talk about What we're doing in the area of art or literature. Jerry is always doing something exotic and usually has a book he's just finished or one he is contemplating starting. Lori is just always in the middle of something literarily exotic. She's pretty focused on the play she is just written and I guess produced in work-shopped . If I'm lucky I'm either reporting on my newfound family and how I've coping or how I've found what art style I seem to a fallen into by happenstance. I trust these people probably is much such as my family (real or adopted) that's pretty cool.

Like today it seemed I was all about downplaying any any involvement with the new family. This is good for me to hear myself talk about this stuff with other people because then I realize where I'm at with the situation. I don't necessarily know where I'm at and tell I can verbally bounced off my friends of the writing Guild. Today I learned him relatively indifferent As to my natural family, my bloods. I'm even beginning to find myself distancing myself from specific members. I don't know if they embarrass me or I'm embarrassed being related to them. I do not necessarily like myself feeling this way but certainly seems to be a trend. In fact at one point I was really thinking about one of the “found” brothers who lives in Sacramento who is expressed verbally that he wants nothing to do with this familial organization which has found itself. I was thinking maybe this guy is right this guy hasn't together enough to say leave me alone, my adopted family which, by the way, is MY real family.

I did share one other thing with my “literary” family, today at lunch, and that's the tendency I have to experience what I have to characterize as auditory hallucinations. I was kind surprised because I really haven't shared this with anyone else primarily because I haven't thought of it as a problem is much is just an interesting anomaly that I experience periodically. I noticed a number of months ago or maybe years ago that sometimes as I'm in that twilight dream state I will sometimes hear things for instance often now here three knocks as if on a door knock knock knock. Like that scene from Matrix When the guys in front of his computer and the computer reads “knock knock knock” and suddenly hears that sound. The first time I heard the sound I actually thought some is that the door. I talked myself out of checking it out but I kind of thought there was somebody out there knocking on the door. A couple of nights ago I was in the dream state had barely gotten asleep when I heard “what you looking at Mark!”. I was totally startled out as a sleep. I am almost sure the voice that I heard was that of my mother's. I have to admit I was kind of spooked and then I just started churning about what if I was schizophrenic or psychotic and having auditory hallucinations? What if there really was somebody in there, another personality, trying to come out are finally coming out. But that person/thing wanted to control me. It didn't take long for me to start possibly freaking out but eventually exhaustion one out and I tumbled back into a fairly decent sleep. But I share this with the group and they were very supportive which I appreciated a great deal. They didn't try to talk me out of my ideations of mental illness but the same time did reinforce me with the idea that they had experienced similar situations and they thought it was relatively normal. Like a drowning man thrown a life preserver I clung on to their thoughts and statements and got back to my life. We agreed to meet again in the next month or so as soon as Jerry gets back from spring training, and Lori hones her play and I make a few more bookmarks and hope for hallucinatory free nights…