I
don't mean to be an alarmist or histrionic but I feel something is
happening, I don't know quite what the somethingbut Is happening and
I can ignore it any longer. It's not painful at this time but things
are changing. I don't feel quite right inside myself. I've noticed
this change most since I had to replace the motor on the bed. This
change could have happening before the motor broke on the bed but now
it's obvious to me. When I tumbled into bed at the end of the day I
try to get comfortable. I sleep on my right side I guess I always
have especially since the accident. Now, I think it has something to
do with how my one side is less strong than the other but I do sleep
on my right side pulling my right leg up underneath my left leg. When
we got the motor switched and I got into bed everything felt
different. I just wrote the feeling as “new” item phenomenon in
this case motor phenomenon. I was pleased at how well the motor
worked and how silent and efficient the motor now seemed over what it
was. But the mattress just didn't feel quite right. My brother had
done excellent job remaking the bed really much better than my
caregiver does. I should've been in seventh heaven and I tried to be
but I couldn't get out of the telestial Kingdom.
Not
only this physical thing of not feeling comfortable in bed anymore –
– and let me say that being comfortable may not be very accurate
because I really had to struggle to even get a feeling of comfort but
I could achieve that eventually. Now does not seem to be so much.
Springs to mind some of the memory thing I'm going through right now.
Many times I wake up and I believe I'm forgetting things. Dreams are
one thing I expect to lose those on achieving consciousness either
quickly are over a period of time but many times as I lay there just
post sleep I feel I'm forgetting all kinds of things. Things that
should be remembering and it feels like it's getting worse. This
morning I had this feeling strongly. So strong to the point I got a
little nervous if not frightened. I'm wondering for example in my
having many strokes is that why the bed this him feel like it used
to? Do I have onset of Alzheimer's and is this anxiety I'm feeling
the feeling of memory loss? Not that it makes a whole lot of
difference and I don't know if I has any bearing on what I'm writing
about now by boss but waking up quite early 2:15 AM 3:15 AM and then
just barely sleeping past that point this is when I and up pondering
these frightening things to me. What's odd is that often I go to the
day with very little impact as far as sleep loss goes. Sometimes it
would be grand to take a nap but I never do.
What
I think is a good thing or me just in the bargaining scenarios is
that as I gain consciousness and begin my day. Getting up and out of
bed is best example I am okay. I swing my legs out of bed over the
chair grabbed my trapeze and do the switch line up my legs then
sliding the my power chair, pull away from the bed then we positioned
myself and then off to the races I go. If it's an odd day I wait for
my home health person, I make the coffee, do some dishes clean up the
kitchen I'm doing everything okay. If it's not day I do the business
in the bathroom, do my shaving get dressed get breakfast and get on
with my day. I'm doing good. Even now as I write this I'm thinking I
might just been histrionic? What is going on? I feel great, my words
are coming quickly and smoothly. I'm enjoying my day, I'm reading
well and I want to go out I could do that. I just don't know what is
causing this other feeling of anguish, memory loss and discomfort as
I sleep are trying to sleep through the night. A lot to think about
for the old guy but I'm glad to be where I am... I just have questions.
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